Rowing Dilemma

Athletic Recruits
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<p>I have been lurking on this thread for many months, but have never posted. I must thank all of you for getting me through the tough fall recruiting process. I have been queuing "Dark Side"and raising a glass of wine with each of you over the last few weeks. Congratulations to all of you who have successfully completed the recruiting process! You have all worked very hard and provided much support both to your student athletes and to us CCers.</p>

<p>My D has a dilemma, and I would welcome some advice from you.</p>

<p>When D was a sophomore in high school, she was considered for the varsity A boat. She seat raced, but did not make it. No worries -- she was in a very good JV boat with some great girls for most of the season. Then, one of the seniors reported to the coach that some of the varsity A girls had been talking about cheating the seat races all season. Coach raised h**l and seat raced again. D won a spot in varsity A boat. Coach apologized for not recognizing the error but kept changing boat lineups. The whole episode created a lot of animosity between the girls and REALLY shook D's self confidence.</p>

<p>Last spring, D was consistently in the varsity A boat (she was never seat raced). Her boat had great successes -- Stotesbury gold, SRAA silver, A final at Youth Nats...but D was shaken all season with confidence issues. I took her to a sports psychologist all season, just to get her through. In her written eval from the coach, he commented on her lack of confidence. I really cannot express how worried I was about her nor can I sufficiently express how this all affected her.</p>

<p>Last fall, during seat races, her teammates, once again, talked about cheating seat races to exclude D from the boat. She had spent the summer at Jr. Natn'l Dev. Camp, and they thought she was "cocky" and needed to be "brought down". In reality, she was VERY insecure and the girls probably mistook insecurity with arrogance. ( I guess you'll just have to trust me on this one.) Needless to say, she was devastated. It was a tough fall anyway, with OVs, 3 APs, a bad car accident (she's fine) and the anxiety of the whole recruiting process. This just threw her over the edge. H stepped in and removed her from the fall program. He thought she had too many important decisions to make and was being distracted by the situation (really crying and losing a lot of sleep). Well, that just added to the maelstrom. </p>

<p>D did not tell the coach because she thought it sounded like sour grapes. At least when it happened before, other teammates had the courage to report it to the coach. I guess the team ran out of courage, because many girls knew about it (they told D), but nobody went to the coach. Also, it is impossible to prove cheating on a seat race. One teammate actually admitted that the girls were talking about cheating, but said that gossip is a "way of life" on the team!</p>

<p>D applied ED to her dream Ivy, and was accepted without athletic support. (I think she probably got a "push" from the coach, but we will never really know.) She turned down another Ivy, with athletic support and also turned down a NLI from a top 20 school, where she had been admitted to the Honors College. </p>

<p>It is now time to register for spring crew. D does not want to join the team. She said that she spends way too much time and just does not trust (or even like) the girls. She may, or may not row in college, although I would like for her to give it a try. She also has the option of rowing a single unaffiliated (no team, just D on her own) during this spring season.</p>

<p>H and I will support whatever decision she makes, but H insists that D explain her decision to the coach. I think she should at least try the team with the attitude that it doesn't really matter what boat she is in, or whether the girls cheat, or gossip or whatever...because she has already been admitted to her dream school. </p>

<p>Thoughts?</p>

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<p>Hi and welcome, rowersmom,</p>

<p>The only real question here is whether she wants to row. The other issue is whether she wants to talk with the coach about the toxic stuff going on. If he want her to row, he may force this conversation, and then she’ll have to decide how much to say. If she perceives that the coach won’t want to deal with the power struggles on the team and his poor handling of the situation, the conversation would just be stressful for her and yield no changes on the team. </p>

<p>When you say the coach might have helped with her ED admission, do you mean the HS coach might have said something positive about her, or that the college coach was recruiting her and might have contacted admissions to give her a tip? I guess I’m not clear about whether she’s planning to row in college and how that factors into whether she rows this spring.</p>

<p>Anyway, congrats on the admission to college and so sorry about the rough HS crew experience. Girls need a coach who clearly sets a standard of behavior with sanctions for those who undermine the team this way. It can’t be solved in one conversation, but rather by developing a team ethic over a period of years. Girls need to trust each other and a coach who puts up with this stuff will never have a team that gets very far.</p>

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<p>Riverrunner, this is an excellent post with great advice. Agree 100% about the team ethos.</p>

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<p>

I agree with this. Since she was admitted without athletic support, she has no obligation to row in college if she doesn’t want to. I would say that unless she thinks rowing in the spring would be fun for her, there’s no reason to push her to do it. And if she has to explain her decision to the coach, it’s up to her to decide how much detail to give. “I think I’d be too busy, and I’m a bit burned out” is sufficient.</p>

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<p>rowersmom,</p>

<p>Thanks for posting and congrats to your daughter for being accepted to her dream school. She must be a very smart and talented young woman. I’m going to preface my comments by telling you I know nothing about rowing, and probably never will. It looks very difficult, and very much a team sport.</p>

<p>My two cents…I see three issues. </p>

<p>First, is your daughters mental health and well being. She has to get back to “normal confidence” above anything else. Her senior year should be fun, and she should do whatever she wants to do. She has earned that right with her performance in the classroom and in athletics. If HS rowing isn’t fun, she shouldn’t do it or be around people that don’t make her happy. She will have huge adjustments & decisions coming up when she starts college. Academic competition and pressure will be significant next year.</p>

<p>Second is high school rowing. It sounds like a caustic environment. The coach doesn’t have control over the team, and these girls. If she doesn’t want to row, then she shouldn’t row. I’m sure she can find an EC activity or another sport that will make her happy in her last high school months. This may help her confidence as well.</p>

<p>Third is college. If she is truly passionate about rowing, then she will gravitate to it without anyone’s help or guidance. A college sport is such a time investment that anyone who does it should really be passionate about it. The opportunity for her to meet women and men with a similiar rowing passion is there. My freshmen son plays baseball at an Ivy. He has 32 other guys on his team that have the same passion, and are instant “brothers” that have each others back. It has been a tremendous support system to walk into day one at his school. If I was in your shoes, I would let this work itself out the way your daughter wants it to work. I would keep an eye on her, but I would tell her that she has some choices to make. I know that is easy for me to say, but in a few months she is going to be making decisions without you anyway. Sorry to be the one to break the news to you ;-). As always, you are there for her to discuss but the choice is hers going forward.</p>

<p>I hope this helps, and she finds her confidence to make these decisions.</p>

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<p>I have to agree with everyone saying how it’s up to her if she really wants to row or not. I can say, currently on a high school team myself, that the majority of seat-races in high school are rigged. Coaches will favor girls, or the girls themselves with just cite fatigue in order to keep a teammate out of a boat that they deserve to be in. It’s nasty, and I hate it, but it’s not something we can change. Coaches can throw fits and threaten to scratch entire line-ups, but in reality nothing is going to happen. My advice to your D would be just to crank it out on the erg so that her teammates and the coach really can’t deny that she deserves a spot. Personally, I don’t have the best relationship with some of my boatmates, but I love the sport so much I just ignore it. It’s totally up to her, but I know that in college seat-races aren’t rigged, and to rowers have much more respect for each other.</p>

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<p>I don’t know anything about rowing, but in times of stress and uncertainty, I favor decisions which don’t burn all the bridges. Rowing unaffiliated seems like a good compromise right now. Your D can remove herself from the nasty high school team situation that has undermined her, yet can preserve/improve her fitness for the sport should she decide to walk onto the Ivy team next year. Also, rowing by herself will help her evaluate whether she loves the sport for the sport itself, or if it was more the team comaraderie she enjoyed or hoped for from the activity. Competing for herself might boost her confidence too.</p>

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<p>Seems to me, in the end, your daughter has the best of both worlds in front of her - once she’s graduated from HS. FIRST - she is going to the college of her choice, and rowing was NOT a factor. Because she’s at an Ivy, and there is no sport money attached her to her admission, she can either row or NOT row Freshman year as she chooses. You can be sure that any coach is going to love to have her as a novice walk on, IF she decides she wants to become a member of the team. She will not be behind any walkon because she took senior spring off. SECOND - because her college choice is not dependent on her spring rowing activity, there is no reason to row now if she does not LOVE it. I think if this were my S/D, I would push them to do something they would LOVE to do. The problem, I know - and this is where I really feel your pain - is if they do nothing for the rest of the year now that she is in college. If she makes a commitment to something active and with passion this spring, something other than rowing, that sounds like a great alternative.</p>

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<p>great post, imafan. I won’t name names, but I’ve known certain kids who chose spring of senior year to try ceramics, guitar, ultimate frisbee team, go to concerts on weeknights (gasp) and basically use that semester to learn a little more about time management while in school. Lots of kids are so scheduled through high school that they never have a moment to think about what they would do if they didn’t have practice. I think it can be very valuable to have a little time to learn to run one’s own life, including a few little skills like laundry and basic cooking while still at home. NOT being on the team could be the best thing ever…</p>

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<p>Stay away from mean girls and toxic teams. You always wear the scars…She’ll find her sport, and that’s what it is really all about.</p>

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<p>Rowersmom,</p>

<p>What did your family decide?</p>

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<p>Rowersmom,</p>

<p>We had a similiar situation with my son, but in ice hockey. He had much success on his club team and had an awful experience on his high school team. It got to the point where my son came home from a game and said “playing on this team makes me sad”. My instant reply was “if it makes you sad, don’t do it”.</p>

<p>He ended up quitting the high school team and he has never been happier. It was not an easy decision because he had played for 9 years, but it was the right one.</p>

<p>He is now rowing which is something he never had time to do and loves it.</p>

<p>Good Luck to your daughter.</p>

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<p>Hi all and thank you to everyone who posted and PMed. I knew I could count on all of your for sound, practical advice. It has been a shaky winter, but I wanted to update you.</p>

<p>First, I am saddened that this type of behavior is so widespread. I heard form many of you, not only on this forum, but also in many PMs, about similar situations. I suppose that we are all in the same boat (so to speak!) when it comes to not wanting to make waves (OK, I can’t help all the boat references!) When these bad situations come up, we all are reluctant to address them because we do not want to make trouble for our children. This is sad. We have found on our team that the really nice girls drop out during their senior year, and the “mean” girls seem to stay. The nice girls just get tired of the shenanigans and choose to study guitar and ceramics. We are happy that have found other outlets, but we really miss them and their positive influences on the team.</p>

<p>Our family had made the decision to not return to the team for the spring season. We agreed with many of you that it was not good for D’s mental health to be surrounded by such a toxic environment. H had secured a single sculling shell and had begun to register D for regattas as an unaffiliated rower. </p>

<p>Also, the college coach has made it clear that she would love to have D on the team. (We have met the coaches. D was not recruited, but we think they may have given her a “push”). I really don’t think it makes much of a difference to the coaches whether or not she competes this spring, as long as she arrives in good physical condition this fall. D has not yet decided if she wants to join the college team.</p>

<p>Over winter break, D met up with the former team captain in the gym. She is a really nice girl, and had also been the victim of seat race scandals. She is now happily in college and not rowing. She convinced D to rejoin the team. She made some very good points.</p>

<p>First, there are only a few (2-3) girls who are causing all the trouble. D actually likes the rest. Also, D LOVES to row and by leaving the team, she allows these 2 to keep her from doing what she loves. She would be letting them keep her from her 4 year varsity letter, her senior banquet and the opportunity to be on a team that will do really well this season. Why let the bullies win? D reminded her that these girls could effectively keep her out of the A boat by tanking the seat races. Friend explained that it really doesn’t matter if D is in the A boat, the B boat or even the Q boat. It will all be over in 5 months and then she will be in her top choice school. That’s what really matters. This really changed D’s attitude. She gained some sort of weird self confidence that H and I could never provide.</p>

<p>What was really surprising was the reaction by the team (parents and students) to D’s decision! I could never have imagined what a (bad) commotion this could cause – from phone calls from parents to frantic communications from the teammates. D handled it all very well and for once felt like she was in control. I think that everyone was nervous that D would report to the coach – which she did.</p>

<p>D called the coach and explained the story. He recommended a “meeting” between the girls. I was skeptical of his reaction, but his execution was great. He had the involved girls meet, with 2 female assistant coaches present to facilitate. I am not allowed to know the details, but D reported that she felt it went well for her. I do know that the other girls cried, but D did not feel the need to shed a tear. D feels confident in knowing that while they may not be BFFs, the girls know that she will not hesitate to report nonsense and gossip to the coaches.</p>

<p>Overall, I am proud of how D is handling the situation. H and I have reserved the right to “pull the plug” if things get out of hand, but for now, it’s smooth sailing! (sorry, couldn’t help myself!)</p>

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<p>Standing up against injustice is good whether there ultimately is a change or not. Frankly, there often is no change except change for the worst. Still, allowing people smooth sailing to persist in their wrong behavior, or wrong behaviior against you, isn’t loving to them or to yourself. I am so proud of your D!</p>

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<p>You would think that the coach would be able to devise the seat racing so that cheating is not possible and/or seat race in small boats. BTW, cheating happens in college, too.</p>

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<p>Rowersmom,</p>

<p>This is a great story and ending! What a fantastic life lesson you have taught your daughter. She is confident, and ready to take on the world. Kudos to you and your H for handling this extremely well.</p>

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<p>Bravo rowersmom! What a great end to a very difficult situation - you must feel so proud of your daughter, and the grace and integrity she has displayed throughout. I hope she has a wonderful spring, participating in a sport she truly loves :)</p>

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<p>Good news OP</p>

<p>Mean girl behavior exists in many places–and even into adulthood–sadly enough.
The great thing here is your student has learned something about herself, her priorities and set clear boundaries.</p>

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<p>excellent that your d stood-up and took care of herself. And didn’t let a few nasty individuals stop her from what she loves to do…however I must be blunt and say that your daughters coach sucks! There are mean athletes and cheaters on most teams and it’s the coaches responsibility to correct that behavior for the sake of building a strong team, which requires a team with the “right” attitude. Which means NO cheaters.</p>

<p>And any good rowing coach would spot 1 and especially 2 or 3 rowers “tanking” a seat race in 3 strokes or less. Sure these few girls are jerks but the blame is on the coach. It’s his or her team!</p>

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<p>Wow, that’s an amazing story. You must be very proud of your daughter for standing up for what she wants to do. Score one for the good guys! (girls?)</p>

<p>Best of luck to her in her spring season and in college!</p>