Hi,
I understand it is quite late to join, but would it be okay if I can join your group? Thanks!
@clpony7 Sorry, but I promise to become active again once I’m not dying of Chemistry any more, so about Saturday. Pinky swear! It’s just that I’m too terrible at Chemistry to slack off.
No worries! You show chemistry who’s boss. 
@Synonyms
Sorry, I haven’t been able to post for a while. First week back at school. I’ll be posting an essay in the next week days, and I’ll provide critique as well.
Is it to late to join
Sorry I haven’t been able to post for a while other! I will soon though, and critique as well.
Sorry @timana , it kinda is, but thanks for asking!
@clpony7 4/6. Your ideas are becoming a lot more clear, but you just need more substance to get into the fives and sixes. There’s not much I can fault in what you have included in your essay. You just need to repeat this clarity you have expressed and practice writing longer and more detailed essays.
Prompt: Are people’s actions motivated primarily by a desire for power over others?
"Generalizing that people’s actions are primarily motivated by a desire for power over others would be hasty. There are a myriad of examples which demonstrate that people are not always motivated by a desire to overpower others, including Sulla, Othello and James Cook.
Sulla, a prominent Roman consul in 80 BC, demonstrated that leaders are no always motivated by a desire to overpower others. Sulla wanted to strengthen the power of the aristocratic Roman Senate not because it would grant him further imperium, but because the aristocratic citizens were more educated than the plebeians. By allowing the relatively more educated and diplomatic citizens to govern Rome, Sulla believed that Rome would stabilize and enjoy prosperity. After Sulla introduced law in 81 BC, which transferred legislative and judicial power to the Roman Senate, the civil war which had deprived Rome of peace ended. Hence, Sulla’s intentions to pacify Rome through his seemingly controversial actions had been completed. Therefore, Sulla demonstrates that people are not necessarily motivated by a desire to overpower others.
Othello, the main protagonist in William Shakespeare’s play, “Othello,” demonstrated that people are not primarily motivated by a desire of power of others. Othello is represented as a moral leader who carries out actions with regard to the best interests of his soldiers. For example, in the play, Othello is given the option to execute his right-hand man, Cassio. However, despite Othello’s desire to satisfy his own mind, Othello decides against killing Cassio, who was accused of flirting and sleeping with Othello’s wife, Desmondia, because Othello’s soldiers revered Cassio. Hence, it is clear that Othello was able to subdue his own desire to overpower his soldiers and act in the best interests of his subordinates. This shows that people’s actions are not primarily motivated by a desire for power over others.
Captain James Cook demonstrated that the desire to overpower others was not the primary incentive for his actions. When he and his crew landed at Sydney Cove in 1789, they were confronted by the indigenous people of Australia. While they were threatened by the presence of these people, Cook made the decision to leave and settle further north along Australia’s coast. Even though these Aborigines possessed primitive weapons such as spears, Cook decided against killing the Aborigines with guns because he was not motivated a desire to overpower others. Hence, it is evident through the actions of James Cook that people are not motivated by a desire to overpower others.
Through a thorough analysis of the actions of Sulla, Othello and Cook, it is clear that people’s actions are not motivated by a desire to for power over others."
@clpony7 Apparently, Chemistry’s the boss. Thanks for the encouragement, though.
You essay is about 4/6. Like milopenguin said, it just needs a little more “substance”, and you’ll be good to go. And by “substance”, I mean something that sounds like it has substance. A “counter-example” of sort would do nicely. For example, with that prompt, in the third paragraph, instead of another example for how not working as a group is disastrous, you can talk about an example in which working as a group brings great results. Like, you can talk about how in WWII the Communists and Capitalists put aside their differences to fight their common enemy - the facists. Then, you can elaborate a bit about how exactly they worked together to end the war and change the world by cooking up some story about how the Soviet provided the manpower (a lot of it), the distraction (for the Western countries to regroup) and the roadblock and the Western countries provided the technology and the money (true story, but it’s not very exciting), or how the Siege of Berlin and D-day were synced so that the combined effect is maximum (I just made that up).
@milopenguin Upper 5/6. I notice that in the essay, you repeat the phrase “people’s actions are not motivated by a desire to for power over others” a lot. Like, 7 times, making your essay sounds really, really, repetitive, even though it’s not. The intro is clear, concise, and to the point. The conclusion is a bit underwhelming for an essay with such great examples though. I feel that had your conclusion been that bit more and you paraphrased instead of repeating the prompt word by word over and over again, I think you could have had a 6/6 in the bag.
@Synonyms Yeah, I noticed the “repetitiveness” of my essay as well - it was probably the time limit which got me stressed. Thanks for the feedback - I was a bit worried that my body paragraphs were going to be underwhelming. I’ve got quite a good grasp of the limited examples I know, so hopefully the essay topic can be something related to my examples. I’ll try to work on making more time for a solid conclusion. Thanks again! Feel free to post an essay - I guess we’ll just use any prompt we want?
@milopenguin Hm, I don’t know about that. If we actually get to choose which prompt we want to use, the surprise factor won’t be there any more. On the other hand, if someone chooses one prompt for everyone, that person and the people who read the comments after the first essay will lose that surprise factor, too. Furthermore, we don’t know if the others have done that particular prompt that we choose or not. So, I guess that each of us will just choose a prompt for ourselves by random? Btw, I think that we should do only 2 prompts a week. I don’t know about you guys, but after that first week, I feel kind of burnt out. Though that may just be because I was juggling finals and SAT at the same time.
I’ll post my essay tomorrow. Promise. I’ve just had my Chem final this morning, and I cam’t help but feel less of a living human and more of a zombie…
Eh, even if the essay topic isn’t related to your example, you can always either spin the prompt or make up an example of your own. Honestly, I find that practising making up examples is a better investment of time than trying to memories loads and loads of examples from every subjects ever. If you’re not aiming for a 6, that is.
Also, where’s @malfoythegreat ?
@Synonyms I’m cool with that. Just let me know when you’re going to choose the new topic.
@milopenguin Hm, I feel that I was being too vague in my previous post. I meant that we should choose prompt for ourselves. As in, you can choose your prompt however you like, and I choose my own prompt. Sorry for the confusion. In my defense, I was a zombie then, and zombies aren’t known for their articulation XD .
OK, jokes aside, here’s my prompt. Hope that it doesn’t turn out too badly because I made it all up (based very, very, very loosely on true stories) in 25 minutes.
Prompt: Should people make more of an effort to keep some things private?
In this day and age in which the popularity of social media such as Twitter and Facebook makes it easier than ever to share your daily life with your friend and family, privacy has become a coveted luxury that few can afford. As such, it is only wise that we make more of an effort in keeping privacy in place to prevent the disastrous consequences that a breach of security can bring about. This notion has been particularly well-illustrated by two recent events in our society: The Bellum break-in and the leak of the Sasebo slasher’s identity.
Being too open about one’s privacy can be dangerous to his or her personal wellbeing, as one Sarah Bellum found out too late in 2012. Living the middle-class life comfortably in Colorado, Bellum, a Twitter-obsessed woman, returned home one evening to find that her house had been robbed. The robber, who was one of her followers on Twitter, was lying in wait for her in the house at the time. Having learnt of Bellum’s schedule through her previous twits, the robber attacked her from behind and murdered her before making his escape. Had she not been so open about her daily life to an anonymous audience, her schedule would not have been known to the robber, and she would not have been killed.
Sometimes, the lack of privacy can negatively impact not only one’s self, but also his or her loved ones as well. Mayumi Kubo, previously known to the media as Girl A of the Sasebo Slasher incident, was in Juvenile Delinquent Center when her real name, face and location were inadvertently leaked to the media through a Facebook status update by her own mother. The leak subsequently caused a media storm across the country, ending with an attempted made on the life of the 12-year-old killer by a family member of her victim. Fortunately, the attempt failed, and she was successfully transferred to a safer location under an assumed name. However, even though Kubo managed to escape relatively unscathed physically, a normal life is now out of her reach for her face has been known. Had her mother been more careful about the family’s privacy, her integration back into normal society would be in progress by now.
As the two incidents above have shown, a breach of privacy can have alarming and long-lasting consequences for both ourselves and the people around us. Therefore, it is of utmost important that people put more efforts into keeping their private things private.
AH, I’m so sorry for disappearing like that guys!!! I have been so busy with homework and haven’t been able to properly balance the SAT essay with all my other schoolwork aghhh so sorry!! I promise to post an essay by tonight!
@clpony7 Your essays have definitely gotten a lot better! I also say 4/6. Your examples are proper for your argument, I just think that you need to expand off of them. Giving examples are just half the battle, but you can really get up to the 5/6 range if your state more in depth why your examples matter. For example, go into depth how when Jack got power in Lord of the Flies, that was his own personal goal, and did not even help the other boys, but merely drove them all off the edge. Something like that.
@milopenguin You are really good at remembering examples! I also give this a 5/6, because I think you should reallly state why your examples demonstrate your thesis. Your Othello examples does that really well, because throughout your paragraph you constantly refer back to your thesis. However, for the other paragraphs, it seems like you are stating facts and then giving a sentence or so about why it relates to your thesis. So yeah, otherwise it’s really good!
Sorry for being gone guys! Agh i feel so bad, I promise I’ll try to keep on point haha
I also agree with @Synonyms about doing the surprise factor for essays. I think it really adds to what the SAT would throw at us. How about I post the next prompt tonight ish?
Ok guys, I decided to get on it and write my essay. This is the prompt I used:
“Does fame bring happiness, or are people who are not famous more likely to be happy?”
Fame can be detrimental to happiness because it deters one from the simples joys in life, causing them to drown in their suffocating fame and wealth. Examples from literature, history, and pop culture clearly demonstrate how detrimental fame can be to true happiness.
IN the novel, The Great Gatsby, by F. Scott Fitzgerald, Gatsby is surrounded by fame and wealth. He accumulated money and rose to fame and power in order to get the woman of his dreams, Daisy Buchanan. However, he was never truly happy, even with all the fame and wealth he had. Each night, he would stare longingly out across the lake to Daisy's mansion out on East Egg, wishing for the woman he craved so much. Although Gatsby threw the most extravagant, luxurious parties in all of West Egg, and could buy anything he wanted, from the newest automobile to the fines clothing, he was still unhappy because he did not have the simple joy of love. It was the only thing that he lacked, and in the end, he dies in the suffocating wealth of his mansion, with no love, and no true joy. Fitzgerald demonstrates just how detrimental Gatsby's fame was to him, because he rose to fame in order to get Daisy, which never truly worked out in the end. Thus, fame destroyed Gatsby's happiness.
As demonstrated by past pop culture, the fame of rock and roll singer Elvis Presley sent him over the edge with substance abuse and unhealthy eating habit. Originally, Elvis was perceived as an innocent blues crooneer, singing the songs that sent young teenage girls swooning, while he maintained the tile of a "mama's boy". However, as he gradually grew in fame and stardom, simple joy began to slip away from him. He lost his privacy, as well as his innocence, as Elvis became a major sex symbol of the 1960s. Elvis Presley had to live up the expectations of his fans, and the excessive adulation mad ehim overly self conscious. Thus began the extensive drug abuse, which he hoped would take him out of the stressful world he was caught up in. Not only was Elvis substance abusing, but he soon began to overeat, with a daily calorie intake of a baby elephant. What was one an innocent, young singer, became the depressessed, obese drug abuser that Elvis Presley was later known as in the 1970s. Fame took away simple happiness from his life, and thus proved to be detrimental to his health and joy.
Through the actions of Mother Teresa, a lack of fame proved to bring her the most happiness. As a nun from the poverty stricken country of India, Mother Teresa sought to feed and care for those less fortunate than the rest. She did not have money or fame to allow her to simply give the poor shelters or food. However, with what little she did have, Mother Teresa attempted to feed and care for those under poverty in INdia. Her goals were to give them salvation from the painful life they were under, as well as call attention to their needs. She did all of this without any true fame or wealth, but simply out of her diligent and caring nature. In the end, Mother Teresa regretted nothing, and even though she had hardly more than the peasants of INdia, she still had joy from seeing the happiness and welfare of others, versus having total fame and fortune herself.
After a careful analysis of The Great Gatsby, the life of Elvis Presley, and the actions of Mother Teresa, it is understood that fame is detrimental to true happiness. The simple joys of life are what really bring happiness. Abstaining from fame is thus to the key to real happiness and joy.
@Synonyms I would give this essay a 4/6. You have some good examples, but you kind of just state facts versus really going through and describing why those examples really stress privacy. For the Bellum robbery, you could have talked more about how everyday there was a daily tweet, which took away pieces of her privacy bit by bit. This naivety on her part led to the destruction of her privacy and ultimately to her death. So really just reiterate your thesis throughout your paragraphs.
For the second example, you really just stated the story of what happened with Girl A and I didn’t really see a lot of substance. Perhaps this is not that great of an example, because it doesn’t really seem like there is that much you can talk about regarding privacy, but that’s just my take on it. Maybe you could find a historical example on breach of privacy. For example, Benedict Arnold told the British all of the US’s plans on how they were going to attack them, and so that breach of US privacy was detrimental to Benedict Arnold because he became as US traitor, but it was also bad for the US because their plans were revealed to the enemy. Idk, historical examples usually seem pretty solid haha.
But anyways, hope things aren’t too stressful for you with chem!
@Synonyms 5-6/6. There was honestly nothing I could fault with what you’ve written. Your examples are well-chosen and well-elaborated upon. The reason I placed a “5” was because perhaps you could have included one more example. However, I doubt the markers would penalize you for this - you should easily be able to get a 6 with that essay.
@malfoythegreat Instead of generalizing “Examples from literature, history, and pop culture,” it’s probably best to give the specific examples. I found your Mother Teresa paragraph to be irrelevant, perhaps even contradictory. She was famous (perhaps after her deeds), and even after she was famous, she was happy. While you don’t mention this in the essay, it’s probably best to address this objection and provide evidence for the contrary (i.e. Mother Teresa was not as happy as she was when she was not famous). I see what you are trying to do with the Mother Teresa example (trying to show that no fame = happiness), but your thesis says that fame = no happiness. It’s best to keep it simple and argue for your point rather than adding that “twist” you would add in English/Humanities essays in school.
Your essay was a 4-5/6.
Thanks @milopenguin !!! yeah, I couldn’t really think of any other examples, so I kinda just morphed mother Teresa into what I wanted her to represent, which I now see really contradicted my essay. Thanks for pointing that out!
Agh, it’s just so hard to come up with good examples hahahaa