<p>Do you think an essay can receive a 12 if the essay states the thesis but the body paragraphs are just examples that support the thesis? What I mean is that the topic sentences are something along the lines of "An example of (thesis) can be found in blah blah blah."</p>
<p>that’s how you’re supposed to write it…?</p>
<p>I meant that do you have to give specific reasons as the topic sentences to support your thesis or is it completely fine to just state three examples and explain how they help your thesis?</p>
<p>Well there would be a reason for the examples to support the thesis or else you wouldn’t have the example in the first place. The examples demonstrate how your thesis is correct, so I guess no there isn’t any special “reason.”</p>
<p>So I guess not? I think you’re overthinking it.</p>
<p>2400 and all others who want to score well on the essay,</p>
<p>I’m posting parts of two responses I’ve recently written to other CC posters who have asked that their essays be scored on this forum. They both address the fundamental issue of the role of ideas versus examples in a high score essay. I think they are clear enough to be understood, and I hope the OPs of the essays partially quoted don’t object. Considering the purpose of CC, I am confident they won’t.</p>
<p>My thesis:
Too much essay advice focuses on examples as if having examples is more important than having ideas. The true situation is the reverse. Examples illustrate and clarify ideas; they don’t replace them. </p>
<p>Let’s say I told you that the secret formula is to have a clear topic sentence and three examples. The clear topic sentence is easy: the prompt gives you two choices, so pick one and state it. Okay. Now what? The three examples. What are they, and what are you going to say about them? Where do they come from? The formula may say you should pick one about Napoleon and another about some science topic and a last one about world affairs. Sounds good. So, what are you going to say about Napoleon? More importantly, what are you going to say about Napoleon that develops the topic?</p>
<p>That is where the formula stops. The rest comes out of your knowledge about Napoleon and your ability to think in a mature way. If you don’t have that, you don’t have a good essay no matter what the formula tells you to do. What are you going to do? Will you answer a question about ambition and opportunity by telling me Napoleon’s portraits always show him on a horse or with his hand in his coat? Are you going to say that Napoleon was very, very, very ambitious and that he set high goals for himself and then move on to your next example. Maybe you’ll tell me that Nobel Prize-winning scientists are very ambitious, too, and that that’s why they are credited with inventing a myriad (gotta jam in those vocab words) of new innovations.</p>
<p>I am an SAT reader. I hate to tell you how many thousands of essays I’ve read that are just like that. They scream “Test Prep Formula Crap” at me. Sometimes (nowhere near as often as I would like), I know they are written by someone who is following a formula, but they are still good essays. The difference is that the good writers have something real to say, even if I know they are making it up. (I like fiction, if it’s good fiction. But to be good, fiction still has to have something to say.)</p>
<p>The quotes from your essay below isolate the comments you made that deal with these issues. The first come from your body and the final is your conclusion. The rest of the essay was plot summary.</p>
<p>“Odysseus’s journey in Homers The Oddysey shapes him as an individual and changes his worldview.” (Thesis statement from intro.)</p>
<p>In keeping with your theme, your analysis to the Odyssey should show how the events of the journey changed Odysseus. That would logically require a description of his character at the beginning to the journey, a description of the formative events and what specific changes resulted from each, and a description of his character at the end.</p>
<p>“On his way home, however, he foolishly smites Poseidon, the sea god, who now vows to never let him return home.”</p>
<p>(This is actually plot summary, but if you had explored the reason WHY he did this and what specific lesson he learned as a result, your thesis would have gotten some specific supporting idea or ideas.)</p>
<p>“Eventually, however, he becomes ashamed for having betrayed Penelope,…”</p>
<p>(This is actually a comment indicating character, but it supports an idea in your conclusion. It would have been better to point out the idea of his strengthened appreciation of fidelity here and then repeat the idea briefly in the conclusion. Did he learn anything else as a result of his stay with Calypso?)</p>
<p>“By doing so, Odysseus hears the Sirens tell him about his own mind, wishes and feelings.”</p>
<p>Your comment is too general to convey much intellectual content. Tells him WHAT about his own mind, wishes and feelings? Be explicit.</p>
<p>I will repeat the final paragraph with comments injected.</p>
<p>Though Odysseus was unfaithful to Penelope through the trip and nearly died several times, the overall journey has refined him, putting him in peak physical position (condition?) and sharpening his mind (in what ways?). Although his reason for returning home is what drives him throughout his quest (homesickness, love of wife and son), he ultimately learns a lot (such as?) and emerges a better husband, father and king. (You wrote that he loved his family and country before he left. What is different now?) At the start of his quest, the Trojan War had made him barbaric and violent;(comma splice) his Odyssey home, however, has given him a new outlook on the ways of the Gods and of humans. (What new outlook? He is no longer violent? What did he do to the suitors? He is more clever? The Trojan horse was his idea, a disguise to get past his enemies’ guard. He enters his home disguised as a beggar to get past his enemies’ guard. He loves his family? He loved them before he left. What did he learn about the ways of the gods? What did he learn about the ways of humans?)</p>
<p>This essay had plenty of potential to score well. It was well-written stylistically, and you took on a challenging example. Your general approach was fine and your topic sentence and theme were clear and significant. But you need to understand what examples are for and how to draw ideas from them in order to support your theme.</p>
<p>A single complex example like this one is really all you need to score 12, but you have to mine it for all the ideas it contains. Odysseus offends Posiedon out of hubris and learns the awesome power of the gods over weak and impudent men. Calypso teaches him the seductive power of sensual pleasure and the slow, painless decadence that saps strength and weakens purpose. These are some of the lessons that Odysseus learns about the ways of the gods and of humans.</p>
<p>See Jasoncheung’s essay as well. A very good essay that could have been better had the ideas that the examples illustrated been expressed explicitly. I bumped it to place it closer to this post.</p>