@Dawn001 your last essay was totally impressive! I realize you used my tip this time. Your essay is very well organized, full of apt vocab, and insightful. This one was better than the other one!
I’d give it an 11 (10 at least)
This is a little bit tricky and though. Give me your opinions !
SAT October 2014 Essay:
Prompt 3:
Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.
We tend to think of envy - jealousy of others, whether for their good fortune, happiness, or success - as a bad thing. We are told from childhood that we should not be envious of others, that we should instead be happy for others’ good fortune and grateful for what we have. But envy has an undeservedly bad reputation. In fact, envy may help motivate people to improve themselves or accomplish their goals.
Assignment: Is envy necessarily a bad thing? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.
Essay:
People are uneven. Some are wealthy and happy because of their work, social class or talent. Others are underprivileged due to particular life circumstances. As a result, people should not be envious of others who are superior. Evidence from literature and history prove that jealousy is destructive for both individuals and society.
In Williams Shakespeare’s masterpiece tragedy “Macbeth”, envy led Macbeth to a life of guilt, shame and helplessness. He, the one who was once honored and sainted, motivated by his desire to take over the power and by envy toward the king for his joy, influence, recognition and wealth, listened to the voice of Lady Macbeth of killing the king in order to take his place. By doing this gruesome crime, Macbeth lost his sanity. And instead of being comfortable and at ease, Macbeth suffered from mania, hallucination and mental madness. He barely sleeps some hours in stretch due to nightmares that remembered him of his horrible act. His past haunted him and the memory of the stabbed king kept him always alerted due to fear and shame. Ultimately, he fell in the abyss of grief, depression and despair. All of Macbeth’s sufferance stemmed from envy and jealousy that transformed his existence to heavy burden. Had he restrained and avoided his envious desire, he could be happy and revered. He would be the legally next king.
Rome history is also replete with crimes committed due to jealousy. Julius Caesar, the preeminent Roman ruler was a powerful, astute and a brave statesman. He conducted some groundbreaking conquests reaching Rhine River in the East and English Channel in the north. He also introduced economic and social reforms, including the creation of Julius Calendar. These achievements enabled him to increase his power, influence and wealth. Regarding his unprecedented success and military glory, the Senates felt envious and grudge toward Caesar’s popular recognition. Their anger, hate, resentment and jealousy reached the peak when he started to exert total national as well as global influence over Persia Empire. As a result, they hatched a conspiracy to assassinate him. His death was tragic and disastrous as Rome sunk in the abyss of Civil Wars and political strife over who commend Rome. Clearly, envy was subversive to a prosperous Empire with a savvy leader.
Trough a thoughtful analysis of Shakespeare’s plays Macbeth and Ancient Rome history, envy was a turning point in the collapse of both individual’s and societies because jealousy and holding grudge are the catalysts of horrible acts. Decisions, also, taken under the effect of hate and envy are bad ones and could by no mean lead to the happiness or thrive.
@Dawn001
I don’t know If I am right and so if I am wrong please do correct me…
Your essay is well organized, has appropriate vocab and well is effective…
I guess u would get a 10 or at least a 9… 
Prompt 3:
Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.
We tend to think of envy - jealousy of others, whether for their good fortune, happiness, or success - as a bad thing. We are told from childhood that we should not be envious of others, that we should instead be happy for others’ good fortune and grateful for what we have. But envy has an undeservedly bad reputation. In fact, envy may help motivate people to improve themselves or accomplish their goals.
Assignment: Is envy necessarily a bad thing? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.
Envy is the mother of all hatred; it is the essence of all violence, riot, and warfare. As can be seen in the Cold War and The Great Gatsby, envy can only result in negative consequences. While it may be true that envy can lead to productivity and inspiration – for the majority, that is not the case.
During the Cold War in 1983, East Berlin was being controlled by two dichotomies: the USSR and the United States. The land of Berlin was abundant in priceless resources such as gold and silver that there was an extremely heavy debate on who gets to control the land. Eventually, the two countries came to a consensus and agreed upon splitting Berlin into two countries -East Berlin and West Berlin- so that it’s resources would be divided equally between the two of them. However, desire and jealousy for a superfluous amount of resources overcame the two opposing forces, and lead to major dispute between the two countries and erupted into malicious warfare. Due to envy, many innocent lives were lost and families were torn apart. Therefore, as seen in the Cold War, envy can only lead to trouble. Envy can also be detrimental on a personal level, as can be seen in the Great Gatsby.
In the 1920’s literature novel, The Great Gatsby, jealousy lead to death aswell. Jay Gatsby, the main protagonist, had an immense desire to be with his love Daisy. Gatsby tried everything in an attempt to impress Daisy; however, he was so burdened by his illegal wealth, that he could never succeed. Furthermore, his wife Amy was insatiably jealous of how Gatsby constantly attempted to impress his love. Ultimately, Amy ended up murdering Daisy out of despise. As can be seen in The Great Gatsby, envy, again, can only amount to negativity.
After scrutinizing the events depicted in these literature pieces and historical events, it can be clearly seen that jealousy indeed can only end in turmoil.
OK, that was pretty bad. (I ran out of time after the first paragraph!!)
Thoughts?
Prompt 1
Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.
Many people believe that our government should do more to solve our problems. After all, how can one individual create more jobs or make roads safer or improve the schools or help to provide any of the other benefits that we have come to enjoy? And yet expecting that the government—rather than individuals—should always come up with the solutions to society’s ills may have made us less self-reliant, undermining our independence and self-sufficiency.
Assignment:
Should people take more responsibility for solving problems that affect their communities or the nation in general? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.
People should take responsibility in supporting their communities through great amounts of diligence. If one wants to support the entire nation, he/she must take the first step in such a great journey and initially better his/her community. Such a marvelous feat as improving the world can never be achieved single-handedly, which is why the challenge must be equally distributed between the candidates of improving our earth, us.
As can be seen in the environmental cause, Earth Day, it is none other than ourselves as individuals that can, through unity and perseverance, improve our nation. The cause aims to lessen the amount of pollution on the earth by decreasing the amount of carbon dioxide released in the air. This is achieved by inquiring people of all countries to shut off all their sources of electricity for a mere hour in a day. The whole nation ultimately benefits, but it is through the actions of the people and their own willpower and self-sufficiency that this is possible.
In the book “1984” by William Borough, it can again be seen that how, only on an individual level, that the nation has a whole can be - partially - rid of its issues. The time period in the book is one of major ignorance; people of the time believed books gave people intelligence which would result in destruction and as a result many people were devoted “fire-fighters” or people who lit books and libraries on fire. Bethany condemned these firefighters as she believed intelligence was the only way to progress her community, and ultimately, the nation. As a result, she took the initial action and started a petition against the government which was supporting the wretched and ignorant act of destroying books. While she did have to overcome a plethora of hardships - she eventually managed to persuade the government to produce books and rid the country of fire-fighters. Through her charisma and self-will, and not the governments, she managed to improve the nation by initially improving her own community.
After a scrutiny of the literature novel 1984, and the annual environmental cause Earth Day, it can be clearly seen that people taking responsibility for solving problems affecting their communities rather than the government is indeed the best course of action to be taken. If we rely on the government, then there is always the faint possibility that our communities and nation will become incorrigible. Thus, it is our responsibility as citizens of the Earth to ascertain that we provide a better world for future generations and ultimately mankind.
WHEW.
I did much better on this one than the other one.
Thoughts?
Just one! 1984 is not by William Borough
@CurrerBell17 trust me, I know. I forgot the author so I just made up a name. Most of these examples are bs’ed but that’s straying from the point. Alright then, if you were to grade just one then grade the second one.
@OneDoubleThree
Ur first essay was really good except for a few grammatical mistakes
But isn’t it like a bit short? And since length is also a factor I would give u a seven or maybe even a low eight (do tell me if I am wrong)
Ur second essay was also very good except for again a very few grammatical mistakes… (Like initially better u could just say to better his/her community, ryt?)
Anyways I would give it an eight (or maybe even a low nine)
@OneDoubleThree : Believe me if you don’t state the name of the author, it would be better. 1984 by George Orwell is extremely famous as a groundbreaking masterpiece. Any one with basic litterature knowledge would detect what you did there. I my self sometimes invent things but this is flagrant, in my opinion and can hurt your score.
@OneDoubleThree : for your second essay, I will mainly discuss ideas:
Earth Day is the result of a cosmopolitan cooperation. So it has nothing to do with solving COMMUNITY’s problems. People from around the world turn off the light for one hour to celebrate. It’s not a serious commitment to solve Community’s dilemmas. In addition of being shallow,This example is not insightful at all. It’s a bad one.
Your second example is fine but needs some work in terms of style, structure and vocabulary.
I will give it an 8.
@OneDoubleThree I thought your essay was pretty good!
My main critique would be to avoid some of the wordiness. “As can be seen”, “it can again be seen that how, only on an individual level, that,” and “people taking responsibility for solving problems affecting their communities rather than the government” are a few examples of sentences you could cut down on. “As seen”, “it can again be seen that, only on an individual level”, and “people taking responsibilities for the community’s problems rather than the government” are how I might change them.
I’d agree with Dawn001 that it would be best to leave off the authors name in such a popular book.
I’d give it a 9.
I’ll be happy to hear your opinions. Be harsh as much as possible !
SAT May 2008 Essay:
Prompt
Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.
There are those who believe that everything we do is inspired by the desire for power in its various forms. They maintain that our actions are nothing but expressions of a striving for power. In this view, even when we act kindly toward other people, we are motivated, whether we know it or not, by a desire to have some control over their lives, for our act of kindness puts them partially in our power.
Adapted from Leszek Kolakowski, Freedom, Fame, Lying, and Betrayal: Essays on Everyday Life
Assignment:
Are people’s actions motivated primarily by a desire for power over others? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.
Essay:
I cannot help but believe despite my slight ambivalence that people’s actions, no matter seemingly how kind-hearted, stem from a lust, an insatiable desire, to control, to retake control or to to strive for power over others. This philosophically and psychologically complex concept is widely illustrated in literature and history.
In Herman Melville’s Moby-Dick, charismatic figure Ahab, who lost his leg in a rough encounter with Moby-Dick, led a whale vassal equipped with harpooners and skilled seamen for revenge. By heading to this mission, the Captain wanted to retain total control, respect and reverence again from his crewmen. He thought that if his mission succeeds he would be the ultimate leader and the all powerful man in Natick, the whale vassals’ port. No matter how horrible was the fate of his crewmen who were doomed one after another, he remained persistent, bold and focused on his goal. He believed that he would get all the credit and the power if he kills the giant sperm whale in the Indian Ocean. Clearly Ahab’s actions were substantially motivated by an insane desire to retake full commend and authority.
In the twilight of WWII, Joseph Stalin, the chef of Soviet Union, was striving to be the strongest man of the world and to be the almighty feared not only by Russians but also by the whole world population. He installed a wide range of labor and concentration camps for people who opposed him or didn’t obey the orders. The Gulag Archipelago, as described by Alexander Solzhenitsyn, aimed to oppress, intimidate and terrorize while conveying a serious message to the world that Stalin is the unique Chief who controls human souls. He was on the top of a centralized rule tightening his grip on all the powers. He go further as he organized and led “The Great Purge” of the party, government, armed forces and intelligentsia in which millions were imprisoned, exiled or executed often without due process. Major figures in The Communist Party and many Red Army high commanders were lynched or killed for treason in Show trials. All of Stalin’s gruesome acts reveal his hunger to reign, to impose power, to control and to even “own” people’s lives.
Trough a thoughtful analysis of Herman Melville’s Moby-Dick and Stalin’s Soviet Union Era history, one can fully grasp that people major motivation lies within power pyramid. Regarding that hierarchy system, all people actions will be based on the passion to reach the top of the pyramid and thus take full control and authority.
@Dawn001 Your essay is great as in you fully convey the idea with good examples and vocab
However, I felt that there are some grammatical mistakes especially in the sentence : “He go further… Without due process”
And since length is also a factor, I would give it a 9 … (At least an eight)
Can anyone share his/her experience of how you improved your Critical Reading score? I have no problem with sentence completion, but long passage is my weakness.
@Dawn001
I really enjoyed reading your essay. The examples are great, and I like how you opted to just use 2 STRONG body paragraphs instead of 3 weak ones. Also, great job on the vocab, I feel like there were many different kinds of sentence structures that helped the flow of the essay.
Some improvements: I’m not sure if its just me, but I really prefer the intro/conclusion to be longer. I feel like the conclusion especially just needs more “umph” to it, maybe another leaving thought to leave for the reader. Also, don’t you think you need a thesis in your into that includes your examples? In addition, making the intro and conclusion a little bit longer would definitely raise the score.
Overall, great job. I’d say at least a 9, if not 10.
@starwalker13 : I also have that feeling especially about my conclusion. I am really trying hard to make it perfect. But, I am always suffering due to time pressure since I spend a lot of time to clean up and well organize my body paragraph. Anyway I will try to expand my intro and conclusion. I also I don’t think I need to mention my example in the thesis because I always mention them in the conclusion.
This is a little bit tricky and though. Give me your opinions !
I posted this previously but I didn’t get feedbacks.
SAT October 2014 Essay:
Prompt 3:
Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.
We tend to think of envy - jealousy of others, whether for their good fortune, happiness, or success - as a bad thing. We are told from childhood that we should not be envious of others, that we should instead be happy for others’ good fortune and grateful for what we have. But envy has an undeservedly bad reputation. In fact, envy may help motivate people to improve themselves or accomplish their goals.
Assignment: Is envy necessarily a bad thing? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.
Essay:
People are uneven. Some are wealthy and happy because of their work, social class or talent. Others are underprivileged due to particular life circumstances. As a result, people should not be envious of others who are superior. Evidence from literature and history prove that jealousy is destructive for both individuals and society.
In Williams Shakespeare’s masterpiece tragedy “Macbeth”, envy led Macbeth to a life of guilt, shame and helplessness. He, the one who was once honored and sainted, motivated by his desire to take over the power and by envy toward the king for his joy, influence, recognition and wealth, listened to the voice of Lady Macbeth of killing the king in order to take his place. By doing this gruesome crime, Macbeth lost his sanity. And instead of being comfortable and at ease, Macbeth suffered from mania, hallucination and mental madness. He barely sleeps some hours in stretch due to nightmares that remembered him of his horrible act. His past haunted him and the memory of the stabbed king kept him always alerted due to fear and shame. Ultimately, he fell in the abyss of grief, depression and despair. All of Macbeth’s sufferance stemmed from envy and jealousy that transformed his existence to heavy burden. Had he restrained and avoided his envious desire, he could be happy and revered. He would be the legally next king.
Rome history is also replete with crimes committed due to jealousy. Julius Caesar, the preeminent Roman ruler was a powerful, astute and a brave statesman. He conducted some groundbreaking conquests reaching Rhine River in the East and English Channel in the north. He also introduced economic and social reforms, including the creation of Julius Calendar. These achievements enabled him to increase his power, influence and wealth. Regarding his unprecedented success and military glory, the Senates felt envious and grudge toward Caesar’s popular recognition. Their anger, hate, resentment and jealousy reached the peak when he started to exert total national as well as global influence over Persia Empire. As a result, they hatched a conspiracy to assassinate him. His death was tragic and disastrous as Rome sunk in the abyss of Civil Wars and political strife over who commend Rome. Clearly, envy was subversive to a prosperous Empire with a savvy leader.
Trough a thoughtful analysis of Shakespeare’s plays Macbeth and Ancient Rome history, envy was a turning point in the collapse of both individual’s and societies because jealousy and holding grudge are the catalysts of horrible acts. Decisions, also, taken under the effect of hate and envy are bad ones and could by no mean lead to the happiness or thrive.
@Dawan001 :
I really like the effort and eloquency you put to your essays. Kudos.
However, I believe that you should not put the “I” in the intros , it is something I learned the hard way. You are better off using we , one , etc… but NO '‘I’
Overall, I give you a 10 if not 11 on the first one.
Plus; A score of 11 on the second one , because I believe everything in it is perfectly put.
This is the task for the SAT October 2007; i think it is quite interesting.
Please criticize my work !! I know i still need to work on my ideas flow and time management. Please a sincere answer is needed. Thank you.
All people who have achieved greatness in something knew what they excelled at. These people identified the skills that made them special - good judgment, or courage, or a special artisitic or literary talent- and focused on developping these skills. Yet most people achieve superiority in nothing because they fail to identify and develop their greatest attribute.
Assignment:
Do people achieve greatness only by finding out what the are especially good at and developing that attribute above all else? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.
Answer :
Devotion is crucial to attain mastery. Mastery is attained only by excellency and perfection whereby both are required to achieve greatness and be among the best. Many examples of cotemporary studies, scientific fields, and historical figures, illustrate perfectly that greatness is achieved only by consacrating time and emerging into the field in order to enchance it.
As demonstrated in the schools all over the world , and especially in the United States of America, there are always people who take care pf young students with high IQ's , also known as "the special gifted kids" , the latters are well-treated and trained to enhance their abilities in the one field they showed excellency while practicing it.
It is undeniable to adhere the fact that doing something over and over will eventually pay off. For instance, how many of these students, did not end up excelling in it? According to the USIS report of 2012 no student was noted. The kids started treating their gift at an early age, jogging their memories by equations and concrete data, every now and then, for sure paid off. “Practice makes perfect” and to start at an early age treating one’s capabilities will make them even better everyday.
Second of all , many historical legends started off their journies ,as worriers, at a young age. For instance, Alexander the great, used to come to the battle fields with his dad to know more about the tactics
used in war. He started by beholding new sets of stratigies to understand more about winning wars. Hence he was coronated king of the throne at the age of twenty. Through the battles he took , Alexander was the invinsible legend of his own era , because he had excelled in stratagic tactics at an early age. Determination and understanding more about the choices he made , he was successful to be the legend and winner of all wars in his time. Hence achieving greatness and eternal glorification.
Finally, a lot of scientists spend most of their time trying to experement new things. They come up with new ideas and build on their work to come up with a satisfying outcome. Edison for exemple worked on electricity for his entire life, his perserverence and devotion brought his inventions to a universal laud.
Nothing stopped his ambition and the lurring expectations of his work. Therefore, if one grow up with the same goal in life to being a great leader , or to achieve an ultimate stance. He/She need to work more and develop new requirements to pull the task off.
Edison, Alexander the great, special gifted students are all examples , which prove that mastery is , indeed, the outcome of devotion and consistency. Besides, no one wants to be " A jack of all trades master of none", we do not need to try everything to have the satisfactory feeling that we are good at something. However, we just need to do what we believe we are capable of doing because only then we can achieve greatness.
Hi everyone! I’m new, I what to get that perfect essay, I recently got a ten and hope I can improve, and I hope that anything I share can be beneficial to everyone! I’m looking forward to giving my input on your essay’s as well as reviewing your suggestions.
Here is my most recent essay, I wrote it today in my practice test and want to get some opinions.
Prompt(from the 6th test in the second edition blue book): Can success be disastrous?
Essay:
Success can be detrimental if not planned for correctly. People who achieve success often have money to go along with this. Most people don’t know how to spend money wisely, to plan for the future, and be ready for whatever comes to them.
70% of professional athletes file for bankruptcy within 10 years of retiring. They live exceedingly luscious lifestyles, spending the money they made at will, not thinking about how the money they spend comes back, ultimately causing them to spend everything they made. On the other hand however there are people who invest and spend wisely, while also getting a job, allowing themselves to have money for as long as they live.
People say power corrupts, but absolute power corrupts absolutely. This is what happened with French king Louis XIV. He came to a position of great power and success without anyone to check his spending. Louis lived an exorbitant lifestyle, impoverishing the rest of the nation and sending the country into a debt that would take 100 years to crawl out from. Without anyone to check his spending Louis was able to spend incredible amounts on unnecessary luxuries and parties ruining the french economy for generations.
The same can be seen in the U.S’s own past. After the country discovered oil, learned a cheap way to make high quality steel, and revolutionized industry with the assembly line, they became the worlds economic superpower, leading to the roaring twenties, a period of incredible wealth, even the middle class felt save enough to invest in the stock market. However in 1929, Black Tuesday rocked the worlds economy, sending many nations into a depression that wouldn’t be recovered from until World War Two. The banks of the time no check, they could spend all the money given to them without a safety net, and when they failed to make money and everyone panicked, attempting to get all the money, the worlds economy came to a standstill.
Success and money are only detrimental when not appropriately tended to. When the money received is spent uncontrollably without a stop, or check, or recuperation people start to become detrimental to themselves. Most people will fail to prepare themselves and ultimately fail from lack of planning.