SAT Essay Study Group

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101

This is a decent essay, the conclusion is excellent. The examples used are good, but the explanations are bit lacking. They seem to be a bit too repetitive, I recognize that the essay Is supposed to be focused in one direction, however your explanations don’t have much variety, they all say the same thing without much difference between them.

My suggestion to you is to use three examples that provide a different strength/weakness in each, explain how this is bad/good, and how it can be applied/fixed, and in your conclusion join all the together in your own fashion and if you can, use a quote that you like to sum everything up nicely.

And on a side note, Tesla worked on electricity his whole life he attempted to create ways for electricity to be free for all. Edison jumped in on Tesla’s work to create certain things and was able to create something that worked well and sold it for a profit. It’s an interesting way history class’s perspectives spin stories and if you get the chance should look it up.

102

@theultimatedream : Welcome back! We missed you!
Thank you. I really appreciate your feedbacks !

Anyway, I will consider your essay:“Do people achieve greatness only by finding out what the are especially good at and developing that attribute above all else?”

1.While seemingly good at the first glance , your first example didn’t clarify exactly what those kids achieved by concentrating their work and emphasis on one special quality they have which is intelligence. You gave us a idea about what school’s goal but you didn’t tell use what did the kids perform after receiving this type of education. In another word, your example would be perfect if you added some of kids achievements after receiving an education intensely focused on intelligence.
PS: Just keep all the example in one paragraph. Don’t mess up with paper’s apperance.

  1. You need to put more emphasis on how Alexandre" focused on his military bravery and courage to achieve global success. You can point to the WHAT is EXACTLY his achievement which is establishing an Empire ranging from Adriatic Sea to Persia including Fertile Crescent. By pointing to details, you will ensure credibility and straightforwardness. Believe me details are pivotal parts of the example. PS: Don't use middle school expression like "in summary", "in conclusion", "first off", second". These expressions are overused. Try something special and witty or don't use them at all.

3.Your third example seems to be too general. But, you throw up Edison to make it looks like an example. Clearly, the reader will nothing from your example about Edison except his talent in electricity. You can mention that he tried 1000 type of gases in order to discover the Argon (Ar) is the perfect gas for light bulbs. Try to be meticulous in your ideas.

Some spelling , capitalization and prepositions mistakes : “journeys”/ “Alexandre The Great” must be upcased/ “experiment”/“of being”

Remember that “Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication”. Surely, you must have diverse sentence structures to earn a good grade. But, if you try to impose something then it will a problem. Make your sentences clear ,provocative and impulsive in a way that catchs the reader, that’s what matter most.

I know that SAT graders are mechanic in their judgement that’s why your essay will be an 8 in their eyes.

Hope this helped a bit!

103

SAT May 2008 Essay @Dawn001

I’d give this an 11.

Your introduction is terse and straight to the point, but I suggest you list the examples you are going to discuss. I believe this will “order the rest of the essay” for you reader - sort of a “in this essay, you’ll be reading”

Your examples and conclusion are well-developed and insightful, and each detail is relevant to the thesis and reiterates it in some way, which makes them perfect to me.

104

@theultimatedream great essay! I would have narrowed/specified the third example though (it’s too general IMO) by even making up a scientist name or story if you’re in a rush - but overall excellent! I’d give this a 9/10

105

@theultimatedream

106

I would love to join this group, and am a bit new to CC. I’m a rising senior, so October is my last shot!

Could you guys possibly help me grade this essay?

Should books portray the world realistically or idealistically?

Books serve to educate the world on its eclectic cultures, religions, and ways of life. They bring insight, novel viewpoints, and room of rumination for their readers, and bring them a step closer to understanding human nature and other mysteries of the world. Several examples from modern literature elucidate the fact that books need to be straightforward and not overly idealistic.

In the renowned book, Interpreter of Maladies, Jhumpa Lahiri conflates a series of realistic short stories that teach readers about Indian culture, morals, and love. Her stories revolve around the recognition that human nature is flawed but not unfixable, that love is ephemeral, and that cultures have the same inherent basis. Lahiri does nothing to “make pretty” the problems of the world, and several stories revolve around cheating, angst, and death. However, students all over the country are still required to read Interpreter of Maladies in high school, and an overwhelmingly high percentage of these students believe that this novel has helped them understand society, different cultures, and human nature. The blunt realism and failure to illustrate events in a blatantly optimistic manner only develops readers’ trust in this book’s messages.

Similarly, Night, a novel by Holocaust survivor Elie Wiesel, successfully demonstrates the horror of Nazi imprisonment by portraying the world in a realistic light. Night documents the capture and release of Jewish citizens in Germany during World War II. Unlike authors of children’s novels, in which families sneak out of the death camp Auschiwtz during the day (an impossible feat), Wiesel is unafraid to recognize and depict the ugly truth: he writes that screaming babies were regularly tossed into fires, children were killed in front of their parents, and worst of all, parents and family members turned against each other just to get a morsel of food. These unfiltered horrors, manifold in the book, shed light of the workings of the Nazi party, on the cruelty and human violation endured in Jewish internment camps. Readers catch a glimpse and forever empathize with the people who went through the Holocaust, because of Wiesel’s frank descriptions.

Careful analysis of Interpreter of Maladies and Night leads to the conclusion that book should, indeed, be honest about the world. Idealistic books may be good for relaxation and fun, but they fail to deliver any substance or any knowledge. Perhaps the realistic world shown in books in terrifying and uncouth, but that is the world we have to endure daily.

107

http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/1806425-please-read-criticize-and-grade-my-essay.html#latest
Can you guys criticize my essay? I got 6 out of 12 on the june test and I am looking forward to improve my mark. Tell me my points of weekness so I can improve and work on them. Please dont ignore. I want to be able to get a score of 10

108

I should acknowledge that I have grammatical mistakes but I will try to avoid them next time

109

@emans4seam:
Welcome ! We are ready for help if you are !

1.In the first example you used a percentage, an approach that is not recommened for this type of subjects. Athletes are really immuserable so we can exactly calculate those who benefited from success and those who do not. It’s quite clear that no one will take the percentage you gave seriously so don’t use it. Just say “a lot of sportsmen” or “many”.It’s safer. Also, you first paragraph not really strong. You seriously need to back your claim by considering an REAL athlete who was bankrupted after years of glory and success. Personally, I don’t know any one. So I can’t help you.

  1. Your second example is fine but you need a final sentence to link it to the thesis. Additionally, you can also expand it more and analyze more facts which are substantial and critical to prove that his success is disastrous. I am talking about Louis XVI tragic execution after a harsh show trial following the French Revolution 1789. This will be great to boost your point !
  2. You can say U.S. history why" US own past"? I guess you mean "1929 The Great Depression". Your 3rd example is well written but need to be strongly linked to the thesis.

There are some style, grammar and spelling mistakes

I would give it an 8.

110

@gameplayer1234 : First, you need to post here. We go to search for your thread.
Second, you need to revise other guys’ essays, if you want to recieve feedbacks.

111

I can give feedbacks but they might be of a poor quality or insignificant because I am not good in essays. This is why I am asking for this group’s help. But if I should give feedbacks, then I will try my best.

112

@Dawn001 could you please revise my essay? It’s on the previous page. I’ll revise your next essays, since you have so much revision already :slight_smile:

113

@loveofthearts I really liked how your sentences flow coherently and your skilled use of vocab. However, I highly recommend you use the word “idealistic” or “Realistic” in the first sentence of your essay to let the reader know you got the prompt.

Your examples are well-thought and developed, and the reiteration of your thesis in each one reinforces them.
The conclusion is great. The word “indeed” really makes it stand out.

This essay deserves at least a 10.

114

@loverofthearts :
Your intro is fantastic, I loved the way you presented the idea.
You first example is well-written and covers all aspects of the issue.
Since, I read the novel “Night”, I would say that despite depicting a lot of facts about Auswitch Concentration and Extermination Camp, there are also a lot of half realities and fictif stories. Additionally, the book seems like the memoirs of a young guy who experienced a horrible days in the camp. That’s why all stories are marked by anger and grief. So since emotions interfere, we can’t claim that the book is realistic that’s my opinion.
Your conclusion is good.
Any way, I don’t think an SAT grader will notice these details. Your essay is a 10.

115

thanks at @Dawn001 I appreciate the feedback!

116

@loverofthearts
That’s a definite 12. Great intro/conclusion. 2 Strong examples. How many words is it?

117

Sorry that I haven’t been able to grade essays, guys. School just started for me.
@gameplayer1234 I feel like you can greatly shorten the length of your introduction. After all, it is longer than your first body paragraph. Additionally, I feel that your first body paragraph is underdeveloped. You could have talked about the terrible things the general (the traitor) could have done, thus preventing it and be suspicious all the more imperative. As for your second paragraph, I don’t really think it is a great example because it is only a formula that Collin could not remember. The situation doesn’t hold any real gravity. In your conclusion, you said that being suspicious is correct, which I think you simply made an error and meant to say ‘wise.’ Also, you never really briefly explained how your two examples answer the thesis. You just said that they do.

I would give your essay a 6. (Just realized that it was already graded)

118

Please read and criticize mine here
http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/1806676-grade-my-essay-please.html#latest

119

Please grade this essay for me. Feel free to give me the lowest score you can. And all the criticism. I really need it.
Thanks. :slight_smile:

Prompt: Can success be disastrous?

Everyone wants to be successful. The drive for success is so much that people tend not to look at the long term effects. Success can sometimes do more harm than good, as proven by Mary Shelley in her book ‘Frankestein’ and by the life of Ghana’s ex-President.

In Frankenstein, Mary Shelley tells the tale of a very ambitious young scientist who will stop at nothing to achieve his life goal, which was to create a human being. He spent countless time experimenting on dead bodies and human organs until he was able to animate his own creation. However, his creation was a monstrosity and could not fit in anywhere. It ended up becoming his worst enemy and killed him eventually. Dr. Frankenstein wanted to succeed, but his success led to his own demise.

Another example of success ending in disaster is the life of Ghana’s ex-President, The Late John Evans Atta Mills. This was a good man who wanted to be President. He was Vice President before he decided to run for Presidency. When he ran for the first time, he lost. He didn’t give up, and he ran four years later and lost. He still didn’t lose hope. His success came when he ran again four years later and won the elections. However, it did him more harm than good. The stress and strength associated with his success was lost on him. He wasn’t able to cope with all the negativity from his people. He broke down gradually and became worn out. He eventually became very weak till he died of throat cancer. John Mills was a good man who succeeded in becoming President, but couldn’t cope with his success.

It is evident that success sometimes does more harm than good. With success comes certain difficulties, such as Dr. Frankenstein’s creation which led to his demise and the unfortunate loss of Ghana’s ex-President John Mills.

120

Sorry guys, been studying hardcore math the past few days. I’m on a phone atm so I’ll critique as many essays as I can tomorrow morning! I love SAT math. Call me nerdy, but these are like brainteasers (entertaining af lmao)

k bye