Please grade my essay out of 12 and give me some feedbacks.
Prompt:
Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.
Nowadays nothing is private: our culture has become too confessional and self-expressive.
People think that to hide one’s thoughts or feelings is to pretend not to have those thoughts
or feelings. They assume that honesty requires one to express every inclination and impulse.
Adapted from J. David Velleman, “The Genesis of Shame”
Assignment: Should people make more of an effort to keep some things private?Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.
My Essay:
People wonder why we should make secret all our tendencies, feelings and thoughts in order to drown in privacy and mystery so that no one can invade our personal territory. For me, I believe that it is both unreasonable and short sighted to put forth a massive effort to save one’s privacy.
Nietzsche once said: “Silence is worse. All truths that are silent become poisonous”. Besides, it’s completely human to confess and to express our deepest thoughts and feelings. So, I think that people should pour out their emotions because it can unveil a secret treasure and put in light a pool of talents. In fact, those who demonstrate in public their meditations tend to pocess a strong-will, courage and pride. They are the ones who dare to point to their own mistakes and sins as well as their skills and insights. They are bold enough to put their unique fingerprint not only in their community but, also, in the human history. As a matter of fact, poets, philosophers, men of art and scientists were at a young age the worst criticizers to themselves. They were afraid and shunned showing off their talents in order to avoid disdain and mockery, but when they spoke up and face the world with the fruit of their innermost thoughts, all the humanity could not help but take a bow and applaud. On the other hand, people who hide, pretend and avoid self-expressing moments will stay in the shadow of other’s opinion, chased with fear, hallucinations and despair. At this stage, shame will kill their uniqueness and prodigy. Those thoughts are the truths that are kept away from the eyes. Those feelings and inclinations could turn to be some art master pieces or to a ground-breaking scientific theory or to a witty philosophy. But, unfortunately, these ideas were hidden and that’s why they are poisonous.
In summary,I can blurt that cagey persons ,who keep all ideas and thoughts in dark ,are denied freedom and doomed to fail.So,at this extent, spending a huge effort to keep away a blade from the best workmanship,which is human’s thoughts and feelings,is foolish because it deprive humanity from an expression that can be a boon for the world.