It all started with a too good to be true day yesterday watching a bonfire getting rid of old wood, etc, on the farm while enjoying nice games of Rook outdoors. Gorgeous day seeing wildlife, the reflection on the pond, cool patterns in the fire, etc.
Then we decided to call med school lad to catch up and he nonchalantly told me he’s recently seen a case “just like mine” with a lady hearing her pulse, etc, and my suspicions of what it was 7 years ago was probably spot on looking at the images she had done. The only difference is her doctor believed her and had it checked into. Mine (3 of them) told me it was just stress, would go away, and “stay off the internet.” Not one was willing to even get it checked into. (Short version) One of them was even at JH, so not just local people who hadn’t seen rare things. At that time it got me so depressed it’s only by a twist of luck that I’m here today. I gave up to save my life. That worked. I’m here, it hasn’t killed me, and life has been (mostly) good. I’ve learned to live with it.
Now he’s thrilled and telling me to go 6 hours away where he knows a doctor who will believe me, esp since my type of brain tumor appears correlated with this rare condition (he says he thinks that news is recent, so not necessarily applicable 7 years ago). Don’t worry, he says. They cut part of the skull, fix it, cement it all back together again, and watch it, plus look for others. Routine he calls it. Routine??? “The episode you had a month or so ago was probably a stroke,” he says. “That happens with these if they bleed.”
So much for a simple catch up call. I told him it’s in my past. I’ve learned to live with it, and cutting into my skull now 6 hours away isn’t exactly on my wish list.
But it’s like a brain worm - a song playing over and over again - meaningless to everyone else around me but impossible to get rid of. No one cares. No one wants to talk about it. It’s life “as normal” just with new information.
Add to it I was on foal watch (baby pony coming) last night with a mare who sure looked like it was the night, but apparently just cold and dark isn’t enough. She put aside her plans and is probably waiting for cold, dark, and stormy. Getting up every couple of hours to check didn’t help anything get off my mind.
Then this morning H made a mistake with the ponies (horse sized ponies - 1000lbs or so) and almost landed me in the hospital or worse as he spooked one I was right behind. Scrambling to get out of her way I wrenched my back, or maybe hip. I could still finish chores, take a shower, and make breakfast, but now I’m sitting in my chair wondering if taking the load off will allow it to get better or make it worse.
I guess the plus is I have two things to think about instead of one.
It’s the second life changing bad decision in my life. The first is when a doctor incorrectly did an assessment on my lungs getting me medically dismissed from the AF and totally messing up my planned future back when I was 20(ish). I only found out about that one in the past couple of years too, but knowledge was such back then that that mistake should never have happened. OTOH, that was life changing, but not deadly as this one could be.
Do-overs in life aren’t allowed.
I want my terrific blissful day back (sigh).
ps This post is here for a reason. I want to scream it out and get a load off my chest, can’t say it directly to anyone, and don’t really want to discuss it, at least, not just yet. Why the Heck couldn’t anyone have listened to me 7 years ago and just fixed it then when everything else was happening???
We may need to bring him home to Maine and get him on Medicaid. At least I have experience with that, since both my other kids are on it right now.