<p>Dear Person,
You have turned me into Helga Pataki. I hope you're happy.
-Astronautical</p>
<p>To my friend who came late to dinner on Thanksgiving. If you must be late, an apology would have been nice. Second, next time, could you just put your things down and join us at the table rather than spending ten minutes arranging the flowers you brought..we were waiting for you to start the meal. And finally, yes, it was so nice of you to bring the flowers & the chocolates for everyone, but I had an arrangement on the table..the flowers you brought would have been lovely in the living room, you didn't have to rearrange the table centerpiece so your flowers became the centerpiece.</p>
<p>dear boyfriend,</p>
<p>the fact that your acting professor would assign a scene in which you have to kiss another girl (and more than once, apparently?) is making me really, really uncomfortable. you say you're all mine and i shouldn't worry, but the thought of it makes me feel nauseated. that's what i get for dating an actor. :(</p>
<p>that said, i do appreciate your honesty.</p>
<ul>
<li>e.</li>
</ul>
<p>Dear W1,
Why do you expect so much of me?</p>
<p>Dear W2,
I am not your competition. The competition is out there.</p>
<p>Dear Lord,
Where are you?</p>
<p>Dear MIL,</p>
<p>I am sorry that you spent your early happy older years having fun in Florida and ignoring your grandchildren. And now you are older and sick, and guess what - can't visit us because nobody will take care of your diabetic cat because she bites ? And all the sudden, you are conveniently terrified of flying ? So we are all supposed to fly down there - airfare, hotel, rental car, $$$, etc ?? You're retired - we're working, kids in college, etc. We'll even pay for your airfare, or train fare. And of course, you never call. You just sit down there like a spider in her lair, keeping track of how many times your sons call you, seeing if they're "good sons."</p>
<p>Not speaking to your son is not going to force us to fly down there...and by the time the cat dies, the only thing the kids will remember is how you rejected them. The more you rant about how bad we are, the more my husband just shuts down, and won't even deal with you.</p>
<p>I know this post won't make a difference,</p>
<p>Dear "friend," </p>
<p>I bet you don't realize how many of the awful things you've said over the years have become catchphrases in our household and that of a mutual friend - because you apparently never, ever listen to yourself. </p>
<p>Our two all-time favorites (though goodness knows there are a LOT of contenders) for sheer clueless toxicity:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>"[S1] isn't going to college to play sports. [S1] is going to college to GO TO COLLEGE."<br>
As you know, "friend," one of mine, and one of our mutual friend's, both play sports. In college. But apparently that's all they do. :) This one gets a lot of mileage when one one of the girls mentions being stressed about midterms or papers. We remind them, don't worry - you're not going to college to go to college.</p></li>
<li><p>Re a classmate of our oldest children, during early decision results time: "I can't believe she got her Ivy before [D] did!"</p></li>
</ol>
<p>We laugh now, but it's <em>still</em> much more poisonous and idiotic than funny. Comes up (and I guess this is why I'm thinking of it now) when there's a lot of shopping going on. Oh - did you get your Ivy??</p>
<p>Won't you ever, ever stop to think before you speak? More important (since we're adults, and aren't really harmed by your nonsense) will you ever realize, before your #3 gets into the process, that FIT is what you should be helping your kids find? Not another bumpersticker that YOU will be proud of?</p>
<p>Dear P--
Things have gotten so much worse. My D is trying hard to fit into your disfunctional unit, with great resistance from you. How could someone be so cruel? She came to you excitedly to show you a pic of her just-bought wedding dress, which you immediately trashed, saying she couldn't wear that in a temple because of the bare shoulders. (we have since cleared that with everyone we know, and it's fine) You humiliated her several times in front of relatives of yours she had just been introduced to by strongly implying that she is stupid. You have manipulated every aspect of this wedding to the point where it is now in limbo and not happening any time in the forseeable future. How can you now blame her for being afraid to be near you? She tried her best the other night at your relative's house party. She tried to be social and talk to everyone while avoiding confrontation with you because she loves your son. Apparently that pitched you into a rage and you gave him an ultimatum to get rid of her, and promised never to rest until he did. If I were a spinning cackling witch on on fire like yourself I might contact you to straighten this out, but I am staying by the sidelines in support of my daughter until she comes to her senses and bows out of this nightmare. She is an adult, as is your son. There is a meanness of spirit in you that scares me. I am sure that if this wedding ever happens you will be a nightmare then, and later with their children and in their marriage. The 'meeting' with my D and your son and you that you have requested to clear the air is no doubt another planned opportunity to attack her adn get rid of her for good. The mother tiger in me is raging to get out at you, but this meeting might help things. Couldn't make them worse at this point. If anything, I'd like my D to quit the whole crew of you, and this meeting is likely to be the thing that tips her into leaving. How can you sleep at night knowing you've been this cruel to a young woman who is already nervous about fitting in with you? And why doesn't your son "man up" and do what he should and defend my D against this? Nothing hurts as much as watching your kid in pain.</p>
<p>To my sister -
Although we are jointly responsible for our mom's affairs, I handle all of her complicated paperwork, tax returns, property repairs, bills, etc. by myself without complaint because you are "too busy" to help. But it was adding insult to injury when, instead of wishing me well on my upcoming trip overseas, you told me to "make sure all of mom's paperwork is organized and easy to find in case anything should happen" to me and my husband while we are away on our trip. I have never heard of anyone saying something like that to someone before they leave for a long-anticipated vacation trip. </p>
<p>Also, I will be glad to lend you my crockpot for your upcoming family party, as you requested. If anything happens to me while I am away on my vacation, it's yours to keep ;)</p>
<p>a guy named "Tater"
ummm...could you explain to me why you think this is funny? My son's name is Tater.</p>
<p>To my BIL,</p>
<p>Please stop spawning and GO TO REHAB!</p>
<p>I hope that no one reading this can figure out who I am in real life.</p>
<p>Dear SIL,
Don't ever think you can manipulate me again into doing your dirty work...shut your selfish trap once in awhile and realize that the world does not revolve around you and yours. Your kids are growing up to be nasty brats and I wouldn't be at all surprised to see them on "My Super Sweet Sixteen" in a couple of years...Open your eyes and start treating what is left of your family with a little respect and dignity...making your mother-in-law sleep on the floor in your hotel room is despicable, how come you can't see that?</p>
<p>To an ex boyfriend:</p>
<p>You mom is a wonderful woman. She is sweet, she cares about you, and yet you went and got yourself expelled, and then when she got a lawyer(very much$$$) and went to the board to get you "Un-expelled" (and you very much deserved your expulsion) you take off and live in the skate park for two weeks(ruining all of her efforts). When you finally come home, you are only there long enough to eat, shower, and then steal her car. You are intelligent. You do not deserve the love and oppurtunities that she has worked so hard to give you. No wonder she had them come take you away in the middle of the night and send you to brat camp.</p>
<p>dear freshman seminar professor,</p>
<p>giving us four days to write an eight-page paper is not only unreasonable, it's cruel.</p>
<p>no love,
E.</p>
<p>~~~</p>
<p>dear drawing professor,</p>
<p>my final project (due the same day as said paper) will be awful. sorry.</p>
<p>apologetically,
E.</p>
<p>~~~</p>
<p>dear body,</p>
<p>this would be the time for you to stop letting sleep-deprivation affect your performance in the slightest; there's no time for the crash-and-burn we've been seeing lately.</p>
<p>thanks in advance,
E.</p>
<p>Dearest CollegeBoard,</p>
<p>When I payed $36 to have my scores "rushed," I expected them to get there on time. And when I called you to rectify this situation, I expected to be able to be able to communicate with someone who knew what they were talkign about. </p>
<p>PS- You call yourselves a NON PROFIT organization?! Ha!</p>
<p>Dear Holiday Shoppers,
The lines are so long right now. Make your cell phone calls after your transaction is complete. Please don't make the rest of us wait while you chat. And if you're writing a check, can you start to fill it out before the cashier gives you the total? You know the date, the merchant, and how to sign your name?! Try it!</p>
<p>To my Mom,
I am so proud of you for, at 40, going back to get a degree, you have no idea (first on both sides of my family to now hold a degree, and is about to recieve masters).</p>
<p>I know they dont understand how imoprtant this is, but I think I am starting to.</p>
<p>dear overworked self,</p>
<p>you can do it! only three more days!</p>
<p>love,
your internal cheerleader</p>
<p>Dear Parents, </p>
<p>We ALWAYS end play rehearsal at 5:50. Even if we are in the middle of rehearsing an important scene or singing a difficult song. At 5:50 we stop everything and have the kids get ready to leave. As a parent, there is nothing I hate more than rushing over to pick up my child at a practice of one sort or another only to sit in my car and wait because the coach or director thinks that their time is more valuable than mine. Your child is waiting at the exit door at 6:00 P.M. The music director, choregrapher and I all have lives too and we can't sit and wait with your child until 6:30! PLEASE!</p>
<p>dear BEST friend,</p>
<p>Yesterday I really wanted to smack you to the floor for doubting yourself SOOO MUCH! If you could only come onto discussion boards like this(instead of thinking the computer is the DEVIL) and see that adcoms make admissions decisions on a CASE-BY-CASE basis and THINK about your awesome GPA and additional INCREDIBLE-NESS(lol) I'd be at least a little relieved. If you only THOUGHT about another school that you might be happy at and really take a risk (Everything is sweetened by risk. - Alexander Smith)...and STOP wondering whether or not you'll get into College T because DUDE, you SOOO qualify for automatic admission!!!!</p>
<p>to my Ds friends- both you girls are sacrifising your relationships with your gf because of some jerky guys</p>
<p>if you feel the need to hang out with your BF ALL the time and ditch your friends, because you feel bad that he has no other friends, hmmmm....ever wonder WHY he has no friends and don't you worry that you are losing yours?</p>
<p>and to the other friend- thank GOODNESS you finally realized your BF was a jerk, who as cheating on you and that you were liking the drama more than the guy</p>
<p>and to the 3rd friend- once he blows you off that many times, its over. don't keep holding on just to go to the dance with him, you know once you go he will ignore you while you are there and then you will feel even worse</p>
<p>and to the girls with bfs who balance their lives- GOOD JOB!!!! It is great when you can indeed have all your friends in your life and are confident enough you don't have to dump your GFs</p>