<p>When you get on the elevator, move to the back or side and SHUT UP. Your voice bouncing off the walls in a closed space is unbearable. I'm in a foul mood today, so watch out.</p>
<p>Also, to the guy on the bus this morning who ignored the driver's request to open the hatch so the woman who collapsed could get some air, thanks. What a gentleman. Your mother must be so proud. But remember this sweetie: God hates ugly.</p>
<p>To the music teacher who asked my son if his sister and mother talk about him (teacher) at home and if it's negative or positive: If you'd quit doing bone-head things like telling my daughter she can leave school to drive home and get what she forgot as long as she can do it in 10 minutes (in other words, "DRIVE IN A HURRY, 17-YEAR-OLD DRIVER")...or WRESTLING A STUDENT TO THE GROUND for the remote control he's been hogging, thus forcing the remainder of the class to miss all but the fight scenes in the R RATED MOVIE you chose to show the class instead of teaching.... Sure we talk about you, Creep! There's so much to say!</p>
<p>UCDAlum82, I'm with you. To the clerk who handed me my file when I picked up my scans in Miami, it really wasn't necessary to say to me "oh, I'm so sorry, how horrible, I'll be praying for you". Thanks a lot, I already know this is bad, I just really don't need unsolicited reminders and uninvited commentary...</p>
<p>It's one of the FIRST things I tell you when you start lessons with me- "Don't touch the fallboard." I say it again and again and again- do not, DO NOT, grab, lean, and pull on the fallboard. It is NOT a pillow, or a place to rest your elbows. It's a never ending litany with me, day after day, DON'T do it, DON'T mess with the fallboard, the fallboard will FALL, it will crush your little fingers, DO NOT lean on the fallboard. Yesterday I told you twice, and what happened? You grabbed the fallboard and leaned on it and it came crashing down on MY hand. Thanks a lot. You asked, "Are you OK" and through gritted teeth I answered, "Yep I'm fine, that's why you shouldn't lean on the fallboard" and smile. That's me, nice teacher with the toes curled up in my shoes.</p>
<p>Okay I am ready to scream... </p>
<p>Son: Check with your academic advisor at least a week before you have to register for classes. Don't ask me the night before what I think...I am not an academic advisor and I don't play one on tv. </p>
<p>Employee: Thanks...five years of employment and you quit with no notice because you just don't want to do it anymore...you want to go start over in an entry level job. That is why you will always be in the financial and personal positions you are in. GROW UP! </p>
<p>Okay I feel mildly better.</p>
<p>To the buyer at one of our customers...I couldn't tell you at the time but I actually did a little dance at work today when I found out you were leaving. My professional response back to you about how wonderful it was to work with you and how I wish you the best of luck in your new adventure was all a lie. What I wanted to say was don't let the door hit you in the rear on your way out. No longer will I cringe when your number comes up on caller id at my desk....</p>
<p>Hey newly promoted upper manager,</p>
<p>I don't report to you. My manager and others have long stopped micromanaging me. (And for good reason - see my long list of results. )Please get over it.</p>
<p>i told you you had one whole year to come up with a new building plan and a high school curriculum.i and others offered to help you. you said you had it covered. turns out you were overwhelmed and now there is no high school. i told you so! you have only yourself to blame.</p>
<p>Dearest mother-in-law,</p>
<p>Are you TRYING to kill me?!?! I don't know why you persist in sending me ridiculous political chain e-mails.</p>
<p>In case I haven't been clear enough, I will NOT be doing a nightly novena for a presidential candidate who will outlaw abortion in all instances.</p>
<p>Signed,
Your feminist daughter-in-law</p>
<p>Thank you to the young man who was picking up all the leftover bottles some jerky Highschool partiers left in the park...I know you were collecting them for recycling, but when you were done with that, you picked up all the pizza boxes, and other trash those kids left behind and cleaned the park!!</p>
<p>That was truely wonderful...</p>
<p>To the mom who put a Webkinz in each party bag for her daughter's birthday-party guests: I am sure you meant to be kind and generous, but UGH. There goes my well fought war against having this wretched buy-buy-buy-buy-more-stuff "toy" in my house. </p>
<p>I grudgingly put up with the Tamagotchis years ago, since after all the point of them was taking good care of the one you had, but this is just about GETTING STUFF and it really bothers me.</p>
<p>Signed, the oldest mom of the kindergarten class*</p>
<p>*not really, but you, you perky under-30 mom, are much closer to my college D's age than to mine!</p>
<p>Dearest son,
While I love you dearly, your stubbornness sometimes causes you to shoot yourself in the foot. If you had printed out and double-checked one of your college applications (and large scholarship application) like I suggested, perhaps you would have noticed that you LEFT OUT an important section!?!?!?!?! I guess this is one of of life's hard lessons. And, maybe, just maybe your parents aren't always wrong????</p>
<p>Dear Brown Interviewer:</p>
<p>I realize that you live in an easily-accessible-by-subway square in a nearby city, and that it would be logistically difficult to have a good interview if I had to pick you up from the subway station (and drive you back afterward), but it's still sketchy to have a 17-year-old go by himself to the middle of a city past nightfall for a half-hour interview. Also, you sound really flaky and I'm afraid I'll have to order some awful-tasting food from the weird coffee shop we're meeting at. Couldn't you have picked someplace else?</p>
<p>And (for a change), a positive message:</p>
<p>Dear Shirley,</p>
<p>You are the only customer who has ever filled out one of those little forms officially thanking me. And I didn't even find everything you wanted, because we didn't have any of the accessories in stock for that bath set. But you thanked me anyway, and that's never happened before, even when I carried microwaves across the store (and into the parking lot) for people. Thank you: that really made my night better. (Also, you have good taste in shower curtains, because I totally have that same one hanging in my bathroom.) I think you're actually the first customer in a long time who's actually filled out one of those forms. We only have fake ones pinned up in the break room.</p>
<p>To my dear friend-
You have my home phone number, my work number and my cellphone number. Why do you email me and ask me to call you?? Why don't you JUST CALL ME????!!!?!?!</p>
<p>To the friend who spends hundreds of dollars every month on unproven nutritional supplements for herself and her dogs: if you'd spend the same money on real food--you know, the stuff in the grocery store that requires cooking, not unwrapping--you'd feel better. Those expensive vitamin and protein bars are not a substitute for lunch.</p>
<p>to the people who stand miles apart while we are all waiting in line for something....scootch closer, so people aren't standing out the door or in the way of others....we don't all have cooties and its unlikely to catch a cold from someone's back....</p>
<p>and to the person who pulls forward into a parking spot so you can pull out forward...fine and dandy, but pull FORWARD...otherwise the one behind you sticks out and can get hit....argh</p>
<p>and to the City of San Francisco</p>
<p>You don't need THREE transit ticket checkers together checking for tickets....two of whom just stand around....money could be better spent...and that old lady who couldn't find her transfer...you made her CRY...big meenies</p>
<p>To the Mom of my D's friend- I know we live close and the girls do many of the same activities and are best friends. But if I drive one way it would be nice for you to offer to drive the return. I shouldn't always have to call and ask. Also I don't think your idea of them finding their own ride home from the event is appropriate for 13 yr olds.
And maybe I would also like to go out with my husband to dinner and a movie instead of picking up the girls.</p>
<p>You are a lovely, sweet, ultra-intelligent, amazing, funny, kind, and magnamous person... but seriously, is your husband rich?</p>
<p>to my Ds friends...get some ambition!! drive me nuts, but my D is afriad to share hers because its not cookie cutter...and you are all so blah....yes, i said it blah blah blah....</p>
<p>" Why do you email me and ask me to call you?? Why don't you JUST CALL ME????!!!?!?!"</p>
<p>This reminds me: to my husband's family: Why do you call me and ask me to call your daughter/sister and tell her something for you? Why don't you just call directly? Why is there a need to involve a third person in a two-person communication? And to my husband: If we are both sitting in one room and you wish to say something to one of the kids upstairs, why do you ask me to relay the information? It's the same thing -- no need to involve me. Do I have Western Union written on my forehead?</p>