<p>To the manufacturers of women's clothes. Thank you for getting rid of the neck tags that irritated my neck. But, why in the world did you add a care tag right at the place I tuck my shirts into my pants? Now I have to cut them out and guess at the care instructions. Why didn't you just put them on the very bottom hem, sewn in?</p>
<p>To the dental assistant: I know YOU know what you're about to do to me, but I don't. It really matters to me that you tell me what you're doing. You were okay for about a minute after every time I asked, but it's tough to remind you when I'm deep into the nitrous and you've got a block holding my mouth open. And you could be a lot more gentle if you didn't rush. I have bruises today and I'm dreading going back for the permanent crown.</p>
<p>To me: When the physician's assistant, upon learning that your brother died of AIDS, said that she thought AIDS was God's punishment to gays, you should have left, but not before telling the doctor why. If a scene needs to be made, make it. Don't be such a wuss.</p>
<p>To the brilliant, loving guy whose heart I broke back in college: I'm sorry. I think about you every day and wonder what the heck was I thinking back then.</p>
<p>I may be a student, but I still need to vent. So, here goes:</p>
<p>Dear Dad:</p>
<p>When, during a fight, I say, "You've never said you're proud of me." Responding, "Well, I'm proud you're not a drug addict." is NOT, I repeat, NOT a good answer. </p>
<p>PS: I apologize for getting a 78 in AP US. However, I would like you to take into account that, when it's weighted, it's an 88. Also, my 79 in French? 84. </p>
<p>French teacher:
I love you to pieces, but the following things are not appropriate classroom discussion:
1) Your attitudes towards muslims. I get that you're old, and I could probably play this off as "quirky psuedo racist geriatic" syndrome, but STOP BRINGING IT UP.
2) Your "Baby Boy", and how I remind you of him. Specifically, when you must follow this with how bad I am at everything compared to him. It's really odd to having feelings of inadequacy coming from someone you've never met.</p>
<p>Hot guy who sits next to me in lit:
You've got the best ass I've ever seen in my entire life. Seriously. It's perfect in every single way. However, you're a total d-bag. Really. If you were to end up living double wide with five kids on welfare, I would probably find more than an ounce of vindictive pleasure in it. Also, I find it hilarious how you ramble on about "those fags" or how "that's totally gay" all the time. I want you that I'm oggling your sweet badunkadunk every chance I get as payment for forcing me to listen to your bigoted bile for four and a half hours per week.</p>
<p>To my friend's boyfriend:</p>
<p>Stop texting/calling me everyday. You're nice and friendly, but I'm not going to respond to every text where you just say "meow". And I cannot hang out with you and your gf everyday. I'm a busy person and I'd like to hang out with my other friends, too. And stop hitting on me, especially since I know you've done that with your gf's other friends. It's like you date one girl, meet her friend, dump your gf and date her friend, then meet her friend, and move on, etc. It's not going to work with me!</p>
<p>To my ex boyfriend:</p>
<p>You are such an insensitive liar. You have made me lose faith in males in general. What kind of guy doesn't care that his girlfriend of a year and 3 months breaks up with him? Only a guy that was probably relieved that she made the first move and was leading her on the whole time.</p>
<p>I suppose most of my issues are with boys. My teachers and everyone else are great.</p>
<p>To my next-door neighbor (the one whose back porch is twenty feet away from and directly opposite my second-floor bedroom window):</p>
<p>You are the noisiest next-door neighbor I have ever had, and I am sick of you. </p>
<p>I am sick of being woken up when you slam the back porch door, clomp down the stairs, and slam the car door as you go to work at four in the morning. I am sick of being woken up when you clomp back up the stairs and pound on the back porch door demanding to be let in because you've forgotten your car/house keys again. I am sick of being woken up when you come home from work, slam your car door, clomp up the stairs and stand on the back porch pounding on the door and cursing because you can't key-open the back porch door fast enough to suit you. I am sick of being woken up when you scream at your elderly mother (who lives with you and provides housekeeping for you and childcare for your adolescent son 24/7), and I am sick of being woken up when you scream at your well-behaved son (who is usually standing just three feet away from you) to take out the garbage and to do other household chores. I am sick of being woken up by your anytime-of-the-night back porch cell phone conversations (and your cell phone volume also is so loud that I can overhear both sides of your conversations, by the way).</p>
<p>Your noise has woken me up at least once a day since you moved in last summer. Your noise has woken me up four times in the past twenty-four hours, and I am sick of you.</p>
<p>I know that you aren't hard-of-hearing, because I've overheard you speaking to your mother, your son, and your occasional visitors in a normal tone of voice. So, I must conclude that you are just inconsiderate. Your mother is quiet and considerate, so you can't have learned this behavior from her. Your son is quiet and considerate, too (obviously due to his grandmother's influence). You make enough noise for both of them. In fact, you make enough noise for ten people.</p>
<p>I am sick of you.</p>
<p>Dear neighbor. If you are really as smart and awesome as you think you are it must be awefully tiresome to realize everyone around you thinks of you as an insentive moron. And since you never met my late husband, don't you think it's overstepping to tell me that he would want me to join your group?</p>
<p>To S: Please just get in the shower without fussing and crabbing and banging on walls and doors. Yeah, I get that you don't feel well, but you still need to shower, and showering will likely make you feel better. And though you didn't ask me, I don't think using your old Latin textbook for your current Latin research project is a good idea, because it won't have nearly as much information in it as another book that is focused just on the topic of your research project. You asked yesterday if I'd take you to the library today. Yes, I'd be happy to. I think that's a good idea. It's open until 5. But since you have decided to use your old Latin textbook, you don't want to go. That's okay so long as you do NOT complain to me tonight that you don't have enough information and try to blame me for not taking you. It's YOUR decision, YOUR choice not to go, so YOU live with the consequences and realize they are the result of YOUR decision!</p>
<p>To H: Sometimes, I wish you played oboe instead of clarinet.</p>
<p>Ummm... Your husband seems to have some kinda immature friends, but his myspace page is sweet, and he seems like a great guy... So, yeah, good job on choosing a husband; I hope you have many, many happy years together.</p>
<p>To my neighbors up the street: TURN DOWN THE BASS! How MANY times do I need to tell you?! How many times do the police need to be called?! You're three houses up and on the other side of the street; I should NOT be able to feel the bass coming from your house!</p>
<p>To the teachers at my D's high school: You're the boss, you're in charge, you make the rules, you hold all the cards. You can do almost anything you please with the classes, organizations and teams you head because there is no real oversight by the administration. Besides, you have tenure. So, with that freedom, why do you bother to lie and deceive the young people who want to look up to you? You can run things the way you want to with no explanations required to the underlings. But if you set up a system, or policies or rules, and you say you're going to do X, PLEASE, PLEASE do X. Students are too naive and trusting to figure out you're lying and are making decisions based on what you say. While this may seem trivial to you, it isn't to them. You are undermining their trust in adults and authorities. That will come back to bite you.</p>
<p>To D's jealous teammates: maybe you'd be faster runners if you didn't stop off to buy high calorie beverages at Dunkin Donuts or Starbucks in the middle of your distance runs. Don't hate on my D for being hard-working and dedicated. You reap what you sow.</p>
<p>PS--Stopping at Best Buy to play Guitar Hero during your distance runs isn't helping your track performance either!</p>
<p>To my kitties: Gosh, I love you to death, my furry fuzzies, but your catbox stinks! Do you really have to go every time a guest knocks on the door?</p>
<p>To my ex: How do you think our son will feel when he is doing his planning for college and finds out that I, with a much smaller salary than you, have saved faithfully for his college expenses and you have not?</p>
<p>To all the colleges on my daughter's list: WHY CAN'T YOU TELL HER ALREADY?!?!?!</p>
<p>(Thanks, I feel better)</p>
<p>To the teacher who told my 13 year old when he shared with him that he wanted to read "Les Miseables", "Why read the book? Go see the play and you'll get the idea." Perhaps you should rethink your choice of careers.</p>
<p>To Brown, Cal Tech, and I suppose MIT:</p>
<p>I GOTTA KNOW! D:</p>
<p>To Professor Who Is Well Established In His Field And Whom I Desperately Want To Study Under: I know you are busy up to here with the Messenger mission, but could you please just drop me a line - a sentence or two - that you haven't forgotten me? Your secretary and I are on a first name basis but I haven't spoken to you since before the new year! It'd be nice to hear some reassurance on my chances at your university.</p>
<p>To the idiots in my hs jr. daughter's classes......class ranks came out today, and yes, she is (and I am) very proud of her #32/550 ranking.....so why did so many of you feel the need to ask her if she was disappointed that it wasn't HIGHER, since her sister was val. last year. Seriously, people. Get a grip AND a clue.</p>
<p>To my best friend......don't ask for my opinion if you don't want it.</p>
<p>Ditto. My D knows her brother is awesome for more reasons than academic ones, so teachers, please stop making comparisons. Let her be herself.</p>
<p>Also, to all of the students who act surprised and even shocked when my cute and sociable D gets A's in difficult classes or wins awards, wake up. Your condescension in insulting and blonde/cute/perky NEVER meant stupid, so get over it. Perhaps you should step out of your circle of academically elite students too, because there are lots of other wonderful people you could meet.</p>