<p>Likewise, some poorer kids are content to let others live their lives and not be resentful, and other poorer kids lash out in advance to “take the rich kids down a peg” when really it’s their own attitudes that need adjusting and the rich kids haven’t done anything wrong.</p>
<p>We’ve had this discussion before. The girl who walks down the street carrying a designer bag. Is she “flaunting” her wealth? Or is she just carrying a handbag? I say the latter. Cobrat says the former, and that she should be made fun of just for walking down the street with her designer bag, and that’s indeed what a good Oberlin student does.</p>
<p>This is not to pick on poetgirl, but back when I went to college the kids with unlimited funds didn’t have unlimited funds, at least not at their disposal. Some did, and let other people know it, but they were outliers. </p>
<p>My wife’s senior year, one of the people she shared a house with had quite a famous name with a Jr. after it. He was Chip; Dad was a trustee of the University. Dad and many of Dad’s relatives were prominent, wealthy people. The house Chip lived in was an absolute hovel; the heat didn’t work, and sometimes the plumbing didn’t work, either. He was paying practically nothing for it. Everyone living there was on a strict budget, including him, and no one could afford better digs. My wife’s father was a well-paid business executive and could easily have given her more to live on, too, but he didn’t, and she worked to contribute her share of her living expenses. She asked for an electric typewriter for her birthday. Another housemate was one of eight children from a working class family, who wanted to be an artist, and who didn’t have a cent to spare. Spending time in that house, you couldn’t tell who would inherit tens of millions and who didn’t have a cent, because none of them had a cent.</p>
<p>I had other friends whose close relatives were very rich. Sure, when they went on vacation, sometimes it was to St. Barts or Gstaad, or to their family’s home in Jackson Hole. They probably had a nice suit stashed away somewhere, but almost everyone had one nice outfit stashed away somewhere, for interviews or when your a cappella group had a gig. But that was it. Hardly anyone had lots of spending money, and no one had a whole lot of clothing, especially clothing that was nicer than jeans or khakis and a polo shirt.</p>
<p>That probably wasn’t the same everywhere. I certainly remember visiting friends at Princeton and being astonished at how dressy the women were, but that probably consisted of brushing their hair, using some makeup, and wearing a skirt instead of jeans.</p>
<p>JHS, two of my daughters roommates were financial aid students. I can promise you they had no clue she had unlimited funds or even much more than them to spend. She went with their budgets and never once went outside of that. Tacky.</p>
<p>It would have been tacky in your day, too, though I knew people at your alma mater who had plenty of money. Also, it wasn’t really a school full of poor people. :rolleyes:</p>
<p>It’s silly to compare eras. A poor kid stood as much chance of getting into an elite school back then as a rich man stands of getting into heaven. to mix metaphors.</p>
<p>I think you have answered my question, Bay.</p>
<p>I couldn’t think of anything your daughter’s roommate could have done to change the unpleasant situation, and I was wondering whether you had any ideas on that front.</p>
<p>But it seems that the easier way out is for your daughter to change her living situation – and that’s exactly what she’s doing. </p>
<p>poetgrl-
My guess is that your daughter’s roommates were more aware of any financial disparity than your daughter was. When the FA student is heading off to a work-study jobs and her wealthier friend is heading to the library or when the wealthy friend is posting Facebook pictures of herself at the beach over winter break while the friend is viewing them from Akron it’s not hard to note the difference in means.</p>
<p>Well, there’s a certain old-school prep mentality where that’s exactly what you’d expect, too – too prissy and pristine doesn’t really fit, does it? Worn-out Bluchers or topsiders without laces, and grandpa’s old navy cashmere sweater with some holes in it worn around your waist and last dry-cleaned a decade ago. We get Chip’s. I knew a Trip (short for Firstname Lastname III) – same difference. </p>
<p>I think people who don’t know better think that the subset of people who show their wealth through visible trappings = “the wealthy elite.”</p>
<p>But you can’t ever correct for that, unless I suppose you go to Deep Springs. </p>
<p>My S has an unpaid internship this summer. He’s fortunate enough that we can give him that opportunity. I’m sorry that others don’t have that opportunity, but I’m not going to not give him that opportunity just because others don’t have such good fortune.</p>
<p>I don’t understand what was meant by, “what would I have her roommate do.” She cannot do anything, nor can my d, other than find a more compatible fit. When one finds a roommate, one does not generally know what his/her money situation will be, other than they can afford the rent. I raised the situation as an example of the possible downsides of mixing roommates of differing income levels. The feelings are no ones fault and they are both justified but they may not be compatible based upon money.</p>
<p>Sue. My daughters internship her freshman summer turned into a part time job and then career start after graduation. So she actually worked more than any of her friends. Granted it was by choice. But… Still. </p>
<p>I’m sure there are differences. I make no apologies for these. And I don’t think anybody should apologize for their kids advantages like high IQ or EQ either</p>
<p>Well, sometimes in this situation, it might help if the less affluent roommate allowed the more affluent one to pay for some things that both could then enjoy.</p>
<p>For example, if your daughter would like to have cable TV but her roommate cannot afford to pay half of the cable bill, perhaps the two of them could agree that your daughter would pay the bill but both would use the TV.</p>
<p>It can be very difficult for people of limited means to accept arrangements like this, though. It feels like charity, and that doesn’t sit well with some people. On the other hand, it can be hard for the more affluent person – in this case, your daughter – to go without something she wants and can afford just because her roommate cannot pay her half.</p>
<p>I think people who are sensitive to this topic might be well advised to consider the difference between “someone with money made me feel bad or excluded me precisely because I didn’t have as much money” and “when I see someone with some trapping of money or something I can’t afford, it makes me feel bad about myself and so I inpute that they are putting me down.” Those are two very, very different things.</p>
Well this is exactly what the residential colleges at Harvard and Yale were supposed to create. (Even though obviously finals clubs and secret societies have hung around too.) But everyone pays the same, nearly everyone lives all four years on campus eating dorm food most of the time, and the rooms are not that different all over campus. While houses/colleges aren’t identical, there are enough good and bad things so that I don’t think there is any house that everyone would agree is the best or the worst.</p>
<p>P girls-
I don’t think your kids need to apologize either. Life’s unfair and some people are blessed with more at the starting line. More intelligence, better coordination, better looks, more money, more whatever. My aim was simply to point out that it’s easier to ignore these disparities when one is on the privileged side of the equation.</p>
<p>Being a good friend when you’re on the more privileged side of the equation can actually require considerable effort and sensitivity.</p>
<p>My son went to a high school where most of his friends were of socioeconomic backgrounds similar to his own. Then he went to our state university, where there were vast differences in people’s financial situations, and he was in the more affluent half (maybe even the most affluent quarter). He learned quickly to be careful not to suggest an activity that would cost money unless he was absolutely sure that everyone in the group could afford it. And even though he did not like the dining hall food and could afford to often eat elsewhere, he learned not to suggest this to others because many of them were counting on making the maximum use of the meal plan.</p>
<p>On the other hand, the less affluent kids did not have to be careful about what activities they suggested because anything they could afford would be OK with everyone.</p>
<p>[Edited to add: Cross-posted with poetgirl, who explained it better than I did.]</p>