<p>Tufts!!!!</p>
<p>and definately not Georgetown... That school is not really for shy students</p>
<p>Another (non CA) one to check out is Haverford in PA. It's very small, very community based, and has a really cool program that promotes a lot of bonding on the freshmen year hall (they try to make it like a family, IIRC).</p>
<p>More great advice and suggestions--thank you!</p>
<p>Fatladysings, it's funny that you mention finding ways to communicate that she's shy, because I recently saw a T-shirt design that says:</p>
<p>JUST SHY
NOT ANTISOCIAL
(YOU CAN TALK TO ME!)</p>
<p>I think I should get her a couple for her freshman year of college. :)</p>
<p>I know a young woman of similar personality who is thriving at Smith. I know you have expressed a preference for CA schools, but in that vein you might want to look hard at women's colleges Scripps and Mills.</p>
<p>^Agreed. I've heard Smith is really good about getting kids to speak out in class, get involved in their community, etc.</p>
<p>However, your daughter may not actually need a LAC to get her motivated. Some smaller universities, like Rice and Tufts (have been mentioned, and while not in CA are good options) or a consortium, will allow her more freedom and may cause her to option up more than in a tiny environment. Sometimes kids just fill stifled by their classmates, pigeonholed into some stereotype that they may have long grown out of. If she's in classes with a mixture of people she knows well and those she does not, it's not as intimidating to speak up in class--the environment isn't intimidatingly friendless, but she also has the chance to start off each classes with a blank slate. Also look into colleges with residential college systems, because those can also strike a nice balance between small support system and larger university.</p>
<p>Otherwise, just look into schools that are known for happy student bodies (Pomona, certainly). She sounds like she may be intimidated by an overtly liberal campus, so while Reed is a good school, it may not be the place for her to open up. Some LACs, like Kenyon, Carleton, and Haverford (Quaker roots, honor system, and consortium are benefits for H), have traditionally welcoming student bodies. With the exception of Haverford, which is near Philly, those are in more rural areas, and so she might feel better connected to students without the expectation to visit the city frequently.</p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
<p>I would also add Union College in Schnectady, NY to the list. We recently visited with my D and I thought it was really warm and friendly. Go on their website and read about the "house system."</p>
<p>A friend's very smart and very shy daughter is thriving at Washington University in St. Louis. She has many friends and is enjoying many activities (band, orchestra, math club). She was very very shy in high school so it is a pleasure to hear how well she has fit in at WUSTL. It is a great school also.</p>
<p>Your daughter sounds pretty similar to me right now. I am a junior and I am looking at Bates (Lewiston, ME) and Connecticut College. Those may be far away, but I think small colleges are great for shy people. I loved the feeling I got when I visited Bates.</p>
<p>"One thing I realized on a college visit we made together is that she definitely needs to avoid doing admissions interviews. Interviewing can only hurt her; she's like a deer in the headlights. "</p>
<p>If the interviewers are informational only, she should do them because the more interviews she does, the more she will get over her shyness.</p>
<p>Some research has indicted that the difference between people who grow out of their shyness and those who don't is how their parents treat them. If the parents protect a shy offspring from having to be assertive, the kid is likely to remain shy. If a parent encourages and guides their shy kid in being more assertive, the kid is likely to grow out of being shy.</p>
<p>This is why I also suggest that you get counseling for your D. Shyness is one of the easiest mental health problems to overcome.</p>
<p>I used to be extremely shy, and mainly as a result of reading every self help book that I could find, and forcing myself to participate socially even when I felt very awkward, I grew out of it to such an extent that now I genuinely enjoy being in situations in which I have to interact with new people. I also enjoy acting and teaching, both things that require assertiveness.</p>
<p>When it comes to handling interviews, at some point your D will have to learn how to handle them with grace or it will be very difficult for her to get employment or entrance to things such as grad school.</p>
<p>Mock interviews can help her as can helping her come up with questions to ask during college interviews.</p>
<p>My younger S, 20, was so shy as a child that people used to ask me if he could talk. He'd literally stand behind me and peak out from behind my back. I had him take acting lessons, and when he was in 8th grade, I heard about a one-month job at the county library that he could apply for .</p>
<p>He was terrified because he feared he'd have to answer the phone at the library and wouldn't know what to say. I had him call to get more info about the job. We role played it, and then he was so nervous about making the call that he had to go into another room and wait for 30 minutes until he got the courage.</p>
<p>He ended up getting the job (in part because he'd done lots of volunteer work), and by the end of that one-month job in which he did have to answer the phone -- he was far more comfortable about phone conversations.</p>
<p>Right now, he's out of town at a national conference that's mainly designed for college professors (His college sent him and a few other students). He called me a couple of days ago and told me that he's having a wonderful time at the workshops and is also meeting people.</p>
<p>I know that I rambled a bit, but my point is to do what you can to help your D get over her shyness. </p>
<p>Oh, S is going to Rollins College, a LAC of 1,700 students, and the small classes, friendly professors, and overall supportive atmosphere seems to be a good place for a young person to blossom especially if they have the courage to participate in the many interesting clubs and other activities on campus.</p>
<p>Stay away from schools in California and in the Northeast. I've lived all over the country, and in those places the people just aren't especially friendly. DEFINITELY avoid those in New York (Hamilton, Union, etc.) The people in the South and Midwest are much more friendly. Grinnell, Lawrence, Knox, Kalamazoo, Kenyon, DePauw, and Earlham in the Midwest. Furman, Centre College,and Millsaps, in the south.</p>
<p>Northstarmom, your son sounds a lot like my girl! She used to be unable to talk on the phone at all; now she's fine if people call her, but still has trouble initiating calls to other people. It takes a LONG time for her to build up a comfort level for activities that most of us take for granted; but once she's achieved it she doesn't seem to slip backward, at least. </p>
<p>We've done some role-playing about making phone calls, speaking up in class discussions, and also job interviews. She did land a job last summer and another one for this year, though, and she'll be dealing with the public--so little by little she is learning that she can be successful outside her comfort zone if she will only dare to take the first step.</p>
<p>The tricky balance, though, is not to make it sound like I think she needs "fixing". This is a lovely, talented, artistic, creative girl. I want her to be able to function without fear in the real world, of course. But I don't want her to get the message that she's deficient or broken or somehow less than her more outspoken classmates.</p>
<p>Easy: The University of Chicago.</p>
<p>Great school. Great academics. Small undergraduate student body. A lot of idiosyncratic (I mean that in the best possible way) students who find their own definition of fun. Obviously, your D is bright. She will be comfortable being surrounded by equally bright peers.</p>
<p>I think the school's housing system may be key. If she has a group to bond with, that has an identity, it may help draw her into social interaction.
Whatever school she chooses, make sure she can find an ec that is inside her comfort zone (music?) to join. Both those can give her a sort of instant family, one that expects her to just be present, then maybe she can relax and join conversations.</p>
<p>I also strongly agree about mock interviews and just plain role playing. I entered a new position in which I have to question strangers about reasonably personal issues. The role playing in my training was incredibly helpful because I was very uncomfortable with the task. </p>
<p>Also, the college's pre-orientation options are important. She will likely object to hiking (or whatever they offer) with a small group but it can be personally transforming and these programs provide a common experience and connections with a few students before classes start.</p>
<p>Lastly, I'm not so sure that Chicago is the right place, students there would allow her to disappear into her own world, welcoming her when she emerged, but not necessarily diving into her room to coax her out. The core hum and socs sci would put some pressure on her to speak up but I don't see it being comfortable unless she finds it as exciting as her classmates. However, if she wants space to pace social stress as she likes, it might work.
There are 4800+ undergrads and approx. 15,000 grads so it really feels different than a small LAC.
Full disclosure: Chicago is very near and dear to my heart.</p>
<p>"The tricky balance, though, is not to make it sound like I think she needs "fixing". This is a lovely, talented, artistic, creative girl. I want her to be able to function without fear in the real world, of course. But I don't want her to get the message that she's deficient or broken or somehow less than her more outspoken classmates."</p>
<p>I don't see anything wrong with suggesting that she can use some help being more assertive.</p>
<p>When I was shy, I knew I was shy, and I hated being shy. I would have welcomed help to get over shyness.</p>
<p>One way to do this is to let your D know that becoming more assertive will help more people be exposed to her wonderful qualities. My S loves to help people, and in helping him overcome his shyness, I told him he'd be more effective at helping others if he were more comfortable letting others get to know him.</p>
<p>One major thing that helped him was becoming a facilitator in a conflict resolution/youth empowerment program that was based on games, arts activities, role playing, and discussions. People of all ages can become facilitators in it, and the workshops that you do and offer are lots of fun.</p>
<p>I had to urge S to get the facilitator training, which I also got at the same time. However, he found the workshop fun and supportive, and he learned that when you are a facilitator, your emphasis is on helping others, not paying attention to yourself.</p>
<p>He became an absolutely wonderful facilitator in part because he does care about others, and he also is kind and funny. It also is a big boost to the youths who take the workshop to learn that both he and I have been extremely shy. </p>
<p>Even if you can't get your D involved in that kind of program, look for ways of getting her involved in community service, particularly some kind in which she'd have to work with or relate to people or animals in a way that she'd enjoy. Helping someone else is a wonderful way to take the focus off oneself and to boost one's own socialization skills and confidence.</p>
<p>Thanks, Northstarmom, those are some great ideas. It sounds like your S has come a long way! </p>
<p>I do talk to her about the need to be more assertive, and she's had some counseling. But change can't happen at a pace faster than she's ready to handle, so it's been a slow and gradual road. </p>
<p>Re: community service, she is already volunteering with the Humane Society, which has been a good experience for her so far. And her summer job will force her to interact a lot with other people, so I have hopes that it'll be another opportunity for personal growth. She worked last summer too, but her job this year has a lot more staff her own age, some from her school--much more promising for her social life.</p>
<p>I wasn't particularly shy in high school (nay, I was loud, outspoken, and even popular in my own way) but I definitely chose my college with the idea of where I would feel most comfortable in mind. Even though I did have friends in high school, I still felt very unanchored and very apart from what my high school was "about." I didn't want college to be a repeat of high school in that way. I like to say that I wasn't a "misfit," but rather a "nonfit." </p>
<p>In my college search, I came across a lot of schools that fit my academic and extracurricular profile but weren't right for me socially, so I started prioritizing schools that made me feel at home. I personally tend to feel comfortable around people who didn't put much emphasis into appearance or partying, and I also tend to feel comfortable around nerds. I chose Chicago with the idea that I would graduate feeling more comfortable in my own skin than I did when I arrived, and two years in I already feel like a better version of myself that is still myself.</p>
<p>That's my version of my story, but I imagine that your daughter could thrive at any combination of schools, as long as it's a school where she feels optimistic about being there and being herself. And it's great that she's getting involved with outside opportunities... I tend to make friends "on the job."</p>
<p>I believe I am very similar to your daughter. I used to be a very shy person, in fact I still am. I remember when I was little, I used to soo shy that I was literally afraid of going into McDonalds and order food. LOL, how sad was that? However, both my parents didn't know english, and I was soon forced to interact with others on my parents' behalf. Perhaps that helped me overcome the shyness a little, however I'm terrible at interviews (I did a lot of college interviews, and I actually got worse each time because my mind froze up and I didn't know what was the right thing to say.) Anyway, I'm actually hoping to go into a whole new environment, and hopefully I will eventually overcome this problem completely, if not I'll force myself. (I also have a problem with public speaking. I can speak very loud when presenting, however my mind either freezes up or speeds up so fast that I start talking realllly fast. I also have a little stammer when it comes to public speaking lol.) </p>
<p>Northstarmom, lol I wish my mom was as encouraging as you were. I guess what I am lacking is that little push, but since I am now an adult and going off to college, I now have to be the one giving myself that little push. Hopefully, one day I'll be able to overcome social anxiety and public speaking completely just like you did.</p>
<p>lunitari, I actually think you should make your daughter do interviews. I know my interviews were terrible, but what I really lacked was preparation, and I didn't really have anyone to roleplay with. But your daughter has you, a very supportive mom. Help her prepare, and hopefully this will make her come out of her shell. Actually, most of my interviewers were very friendly and they are supposed to make you feel as comfortable as possible, so I honestly think that this would be easier than job interviews. Anyway, she has to come out to the real world sooner or later, it might as well be now.</p>
<p>The way I see it the only trouble w/ being introverted is all the nagging you get from people who tell you that you ought to be extroverted like they are (or like they think they are). Introverts can be quite powerful in ways that extroverts can't even relate to. Our society on the surface is made for and of extroverts, but we're all born into our natural dispositions, and though of course we correct the flaws we can, shyness, unless it is debilitating, is not any more a flaw than is being left-handed.</p>
<p>I think the biggest hurdle for introverted kids to clear is to finally reject the perennial pressure to feel somehow embarrassed by their personality. To view it as something they ought to fix or correct or get better at if only w/ a little prodding. Which I've only recently started to realize is completely ridiculous. It actually makes me kind of angry, all the time I wasted trying to be something that didn't make me feel completely solid and completely myself. You want your child to do better in interviews and social situations?: teach them self-respect, teach them that it's as okay to not be outgoing as it is to not play the violin, we each have our individual talents, teach them to love what makes them unique and the rest will come naturally.</p>
<p>That said, um, I've found MIT to be a great environment :D lol</p>
<p>Pebbles - you're right... some of the time. Shyness is only an issue if it interferes with one's ability to do what they want. My own daughter would choose not to do an activity she enjoys if it means having to deal with a group of people she doesn't know. When a person changes a response to avoid a situation out of fear or discomfort, working on how to respond differently is not a bad plan. Otherwise, you're right. There's nothing wrong with being a quiet soul.</p>
<p>I hope every "shy" introverted kid reads your post Pebbles. You are very wise. My younger S was always called shy. Thankfully he had a teacher, who, when he was very young, told me : "He just has other things on his mind." When parents change their way of viewing the child, it is amazing to see how the child flowers on his or her own. This does not mean that what others characterize as shyness is "cured", just that the child finds a path most suitable for his own personality traits. My "shy" son recently presented his scientific research before an audience of 300 students, professors and professionals in the field.</p>