Self-sabotage --- Do you do it too?

Student Lounge College Life
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<p>(I posted this on the parents' board, but I wanted to hear what other students had to say. Sorry for the double post.)</p>

<p>When I apply for a bunch of things and get in (think colleges, summer programs, etc.), I often choose my second choice rather than my first! Thinking of the first choice fills me with a lot of anxiety about taking on a new challenge and I sometimes convince myself that it's not what I wanted anyway! Sometimes, I force myself to do it, and then I feel better afterwards. Other times, I talk myself out of it and then hours, days, or weeks later, I realize how foolish I was. As I look back, I can see four notably stupid instances in which I did this---and I want to do whatever I can to make sure that I don't do it again (or at least get better!).</p>

<p>This tends to happen only with big choices that involve the long term, and money or prestige or further opportunities. It doesn't happen with, say, what I should do over the weekend.</p>

<p>Does anyone else do this? Did you used to do it and have gotten over it? (nudge, nudge)</p>

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<p>I think he's saying that he convinces himself that what he wants isn't what he wants just to avoid the anxiety that would come with it.</p>

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<p>I don't see what's so confusing about the OP's position.</p>

<p>I know lots of high-achieving students who do it. It's one of the side-effects of perfectionism; you sabotage yourself so that you don't have to realize that you really have done your best, you can't do better, and yet you still didn't do as well as you would've liked.</p>

<p>It's protective. As the parents pointed out, risk-avoidance is not a rare thing. It's actually very normal. However, if the situations always seem to work out (or seem as if they would've if only you'd gone for them) and you realize this, then you need to solve the problem.</p>

<p>The only sure-fire way is to set up the crisis of decision and reach the "go for it" attitude. Take the harder choice. Remember what it felt like when you took the easier road. Were you disappointed with yourself? Did you regret not choosing the other one? If so, then you have ammo against the rationalization that you actually want the easier of the two: you don't, you just think you don't want the harder. Think of the benefits even in the negative of doing the harder. What will you gain from it? Self-confidence? If you do not actually overcome the challenges, what will you learn from that?</p>

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<p>Undecided: Thanks so much for "getting it". This is exactly what I was looking for. :)</p>

<p>I think you are right that I just need to take the more difficult road every time, no matter what. Otherwise, I'll rationalize to myself that taking the easier one is what I really want and regret it later. At least now I have a game plan.</p>

<p>Sometimes, though, I do a very good job of confusing myself. For example,
I got the opportunity to do a special program over the summer this past year. I also got a couple of job offers. What did I do? I chose one of the jobs over the program, when it was not in my best interest (the program was funded so money was not an issue). </p>

<p>Why did I do this? Well, I knew people at the company, I liked their reputation, blah, blah. But several people who had done the program before, and were working at the company afterwards, told me to do the program. I just got very overwhelmed and finally decided not to do the program.</p>

<p>Given that scenario, how could I have known that the special program was the "harder road"? Maybe just that it scared me more? Frankly, by that point, everything scared me.</p>

<p>Undecided, do you do this or have friends who do this? Perhaps you can tell me about a situation you or someone you know went through and how you made the right choice.</p>

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<p>I do it quite frequently. </p>

<p>I was going to make some mention of how that method is easy if you know immediately which is the hard way and which is the easy way, but that it's more difficult if it's less obvious. Funny timing!</p>

<p>In that kind of situation, it's important to understand what overwhelmed you. Usually it seems as if something with a lot of information -- where you have to choose -- will get passed by because it's just "too much." If you took the job because you wanted to avoid having to pick through it, especially despite knowing and liking the people there AND the reputation, recognize that as an example of wanting to take the easy way out of a difficult situation. </p>

<p>I guess the main thing is to look at why you're turning away from one of your options. Is it because the other is more appealing to you (on any level), or because you can't get past the challenge of one and so go for the more straight-forward one?</p>

<p>I am a Grade A perfectionist and an English major. I am very good at what I do -- that is, analytical essays -- but I am afraid to give it the effort it deserves. I am a procrastinator precisely because of this: I know I can do well even when time is tight, but it's easy to justify a lower-than-expected grade if I do it this way because, well, I didn't do my best! So "my best" remains undefined and unproven, and is allowed to be its lofty, untested ideal.</p>

<p>I am still working to fix this one, and it helps that I actually care at this point. I am looking at going into grad school, so being able to write a complete, well-researched, thoroughly polished piece of analytical writing is very important to me. In this case, it's a matter of changing my focus from the immediate result to the long-term one, which is a general policy that might help you.</p>

<p>In the short-term, the program may have seemed much more challenging, and at the end you wouldn't have any money savings (versus the job) and maybe it would have felt more like just doing what you ought to. The job has immediate benefits: you get paid, you get a job to put on your resume (which for some reason always feels more "real" to college students as experience), and once it's over, it's over.</p>

<p>In the long-term, however, perhaps the program would have opened more doors for you, that you might've established a long-term working relationship with the company that you could take advantage of later on. The job's money would have been spent -- filtered into college expenses or parties or what have you -- and the contacts faded, so that all you're left with is a few months in a job that doesn't really contribute anything else to your experience or resume.</p>

<p>Perhaps it is not so cut-and-dry as that, and I expect it's not, but that is one way to look at it. I agree, though, it's MUCH harder to see it that way when the choice is sitting in front of you.</p>

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<p>It sometimes happens to me too. I intentionally make less of an effort, so that if I fail I can simply say I didn't do my best....</p>

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<p>lol i thought this was gona be one of those cutting threads</p>

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<p>undecided,</p>

<p>Yes, that is exactly how I should have looked at it. The job is just a job, which will fade, but the program would have really made a difference. You are right about the difference between the short and long term benefits. That's exactly how I should have thought of it. Why didn't I think about it that way at the time?!</p>

<p>I also did this with a study abroad program. I got in off of the waitlist three weeks before it was supposed to start. But I was too freaked out to take it. I wound up doing another one later, but I don't completely understand why I do things like this. </p>

<p>I wonder how I can do better at seeing these things at the time!</p>

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<p>I did the same thing with a waitlist to college. I was waitlisted at UChicago, which was one of my top choices, but I had been accepted outright to UCSC and UCSD. I declined a place on the waiting list.</p>

<p>Why?</p>

<p>Simply because I didn't want to have to extend the college search process any longer.</p>

<p>Big mistake, really -- I ended up going to UCSC, transferring to a CCC after a year. (I ended up at Berkeley after all of that, but still.)</p>

<p>Unfortunately, hindsight is 20/20. The trick is learning from those mistakes and seeing what made you make them so that you can prevent it happening again. The trick is, unfortunately, hard to learn. :p</p>

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<p>I definitely do that sometimes...</p>

<p>I was sure I wasn't going to get enough money to go to my top choice school... so I spent all winter convincing myself why another school was better. when I ended up with enough fin. aid it took me a couple weeks to make a decision.</p>

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<p>im more likely to do the oppisite try my hardest on the thing I want the most and do a half-assed job on the others...</p>

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<p>I self-sabotage. I'll give my last act of sabotage-it has to do with seeking the best job. </p>

<p>I had been working at this restaurant for about 6 months when the thought crossed my mind that maybe there was a better job out there that I might be happier at--one that might pay more, have a wider variety of people, etc. What did I do? I put in my notice and went out in search of another job. I applied to a few different places but I did get hired at my first choice--at a cafe in a book store. I knew my new job would be harder because it involved more job duties and I wasn't experienced in cafe work at all but I accepted their offer anyway. </p>

<p>It was just as I would have hoped. There were people closer in age to me, they offered great benefits, a flexible work schedule.. I quit after 2 weeks. I tricked myself into thinking I quit because my old job was "just better," that my new job was going to be too much combined with school, but really I got scared at all the new things I would have to learn. I wasn't in the same groove I was at my old job. I didn't "have it memorized."</p>

<p>Now I wish I hadn't quit. Returningstudent --I think we both just have stage fright.? We see something that might be overwhelming and we force ourselves to see other things in a different light so we don't have to face the tougher of the two..</p>

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<p>NBA7girl---Yep, that sounds like something I would do too. I wonder if this is a problem that a lot of young women have, or if it crosses genders or...?</p>

<p>What are you going to do differently now to help yourself with this problem? (I ask because I want to make some personal changes too.)</p>

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<p>I set up a waiting time for major events---if I decide I want to do something-whether it be quit a job or buy something big or anything of substantial importance, I make myself sleep on it for at least 3 days. If after 3 days I'm still on the same page, I go for it!</p>