Short answer, needs commentary.

College Essays
1

<p>Elaborating on an activity:
Contrary to popular belief there is more to powerlifting than a circus of well-oiled and well-tanned men making flamboyant displays of their bodies. That’s bodybuilding. Powerlifting, on the other hand, is the ultimate test of discipline. Sure, that New Year’s resolution gym membership may seem like a winning idea with your brand new luminous-colored spandex suit, but after twenty BBQ chicken dinners, powerlifting magically loses its appeal. Well, until next year of course. I’ll be the first to admit that it’s repetitive, it’s exhausting, and it’s painful, but nothing compares to the feeling that I get waking up the day after some heavy squats, and I hobble down the stairs out of soreness (I’m growing!). It takes an intrinsic motivation to push your body to the limit six days a week forty-six weeks a year; and that same motivation has turned work into nothing more than a second nature. My first competition was the Peck Bench Press Invitational. At 165lbs, I benched 300lbs (15lbs off the state record), and I took first in my class and second overall. More recently I competed at regionals and was seeded first in the state with a 405lb squat, but could not compete at the state meet due to a prior commitment to my high school Science Olympiad team. That is fine though, just more motivation for next year.</p>

2

<p>16 views, no critques?</p>

3

<p>we like to lurk!!!!</p>

<p>what's the prompt?Is it just, elaborate on activity?</p>

4

<p>Common App short answer. elaborate about an activity.</p>

5

<p>I'd say... Contrary to popular belief, there is more to...</p>

<p>I would put that comma in there, I don't know if that's correct but that's what I would do.</p>

6

<p>lindsay, you're right a comma goes there.</p>

7

<p>Right On! 10char</p>

8

<p>of their bodies. That’s bodybuilding.
I would make that
of their bodies; that’s bodybuilding.</p>

<p>because they are both connected but I wouldn't make them seperate sentences. Then again, I'm no writing expert.</p>

<p>I was always told by english teachers never to use conjunctions in papers, it makes you seem lazy... but that's up to you of course.</p>

<p>maybe luminous-colored, should be luminously-colored?</p>

<p>weeks a year; and that same motivation
the semicolon acts as an and there, it's repetative to have ;and</p>

<p>More recently, I competed at (put a comma there)</p>

9

<p>A bona fide english prodigy I tell you!</p>

10

<p>Haha if it's right... just telling you what I would personally do</p>

11

<p>The last sentence is great.</p>

<p>I don't like how you're listing your accomplishments though. I'd rather see why is it that you like powerlifting that much? How does it help you? How does it shape you? What have you learned?</p>

<p>It's just my 0.02 $ and I have absolutely no idea of college essays lol (I'm an international student).</p>

12

<p>I know, it's an awkward transition, but this was the only place to put them on the application because the common app is so inflexible.</p>