<p>I think you should reconsider criticizing your peers at the beginning of the paragraph. You want to describe your interest in Robotics in positive terms. Of course, high school culture IS materialistic and shallow, and it's understandable that you would enjoy the change Robotics provides for this reason--yet the way you're presenting your view now may make you seem judgmental and bitter to the admissions committee. Framing the concept in a slightly different way will make a difference: focus on the positive traits of your friends/competitors.</p>
<p>Scratch and rephrase:</p>
<ol>
<li>materialism</li>
<li>aestheticism</li>
<li>social hierarchy (alt. Darwinism)</li>
<li>abstain</li>
<li>permeates</li>
<li>jaded</li>
</ol>
<p>I totally agree with this guy. You aren't writing an AP English paper, using "smart-sounding" words detracts from your essay. If you don't talk like that when you speak, then don't write like that. Don't try to be something you aren't to impress people! AdComs will see right through you - they've been doing this for decades!</p>
<p>this is just my personal observation. the 3 first sentences seem to be taken from an SAT essay. The rest looks like a very quick description (not a very detailed one though). i don't think i can see the author's personality through this passage. what is his/her specific role at a FIRST competition (just participate?) ? why does he/she include so many general opinions without one or two examples?</p>