Can you read my short essay?

Colleges and Universities A-Z Harvard University
1

<p>Can you read this and tell me what i should cut? its supposed to be 150 words , do you think they'd care if i put 250?</p>

<p>SHORT ANSWER
In the space provided below, please describe which of these activities (extracurricular and personal activities or work experience) has had the most meaning for you and why (150 words or fewer). Mandatory red star. This field is required</p>

<p>Note: Please save your work often. You will not be able to type more than 6,000 characters. Please click here for important information regarding your essay.</p>

<p>In robotics our yearly challenge is to build a fully functional robot to complete complex tasks faster than the other teams. However it is not cheap we had to raise over $20,000, it was suprisingly... fun, we came up with unique ways to raise money, we raised thousands by throwing a LAN party, we got money for robotics while playing video games!
At kick off they reveal the challenge. Everyone is full of ideas, we debate for hours until we reach a decision. We work steadily for 6 weeks, 7 days a week, sometimes staying as late as 1 a.m, teaching ourselves, and then executing: machining, welding, programming, wiring, debugging, sawing, reprogramming, re-debugging, then lastly re-programming and re-debugging and tweaking to get it just right. Being our main programmer, CAD designer, and machinist as well as Arm operator (yes we have a small team!) I experience a lot of problems and solving them sometimes entails frustration, confusion, and occasionally a hammer, but in the end I learn so many things, like how to design and machine a gearbox that will lift a certain arm, how to create linkages to a pneumatic to operate a claw mechanism, even programming an algorithm can take in sensor data and moves the arm accordingly to complete a task. Robotics is meaningful to me because I can work with my friends to do what we love doing : learning to build things, tweaking things, re-tweaking things then sitting back and looking at what we’ve accomplished.</p>

<p>what should i cut that doesn't really pertain to making me look good ;)
also is this a good essay?</p>

2

<p>"However it is not cheap we had to raise over $20,000, it was suprisingly... fun, we came up with unique ways to raise money, we raised thousands by throwing a LAN party, we got money for robotics while playing video games!"</p>

<p>I'm sorry, but this "sentence" is a grammatical disaster zone! There are also many other grammar mistakes that to me show that you need to work on making sure your essay is polished in the end.
The content of the essay isn't that bad. I think that you could definitely shorten the essay, which will both get your closer to the word limit and create a bigger impact. By shortening the essay, you will be able to give each word more meaning so that you end up with a short, strong, and memorable essay.</p>

3

<p>I think it's very wordy and yes, check your grammar!</p>

4

<p>Yeah i didn't proof read before posting, i went about slashing words in kind of a lackadaisical fashion hence the horrendous sentence structure, but can you tell me stuff i should cut out from there?</p>

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<p>Give it to an English teacher to correct the grammar. Otherwise keep everything else how it is. I know people say this all the time and still people fail to do it, but READ THE ESSAY OUT-LOUD TO YOURSELF NOW! You'll be able to spot your run-on sentences and your tense issues. Other than that, it's a good essay.</p>

6

<p>I disagree. This essay is not only poorly written, it is boring and it doesn't tell adcom anything about your character. I would start from scratch.</p>

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<p>Ahhhhhh, not to lecture you or anything, but posting your essay online (especially on a college forum as popular as CC) is NOT a good idea, not matter how good/bad you may think it is. Try to avoid doing so.</p>

<p>And take the advice of the person with the Gwen Stefani screenname. =) Reading out loud is a great idea.</p>

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<p>Don't post your essays online.</p>

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<p>I agree with sunglasses; this is booooring! You just tell what it is that you do and what the hard stuff is, but no one cares about that in the admissions office. Your last sentence:</p>

<p>"Robotics is meaningful to me because I can work with my friends to do what we love doing : learning to build things, tweaking things, re-tweaking things then sitting back and looking at what we’ve accomplished."</p>

<p>is the only thing that shows to the readers why this is important or meaningful to you, and even this is bland. You just like making it and looking at what you've made. That's it? What's your motivation for pulling through in completing the project? How has your perception changed from beginning robotics, to present? </p>

<p>Even if what they are asking is for the club/activity, the trick is to not just write about the activity. A narrative about the club is not what adcoms are looking for, but possibly to picture you doing the activity, and to feel what you feel as you carry out your job. You don't literally have to answer the question. Incorporate yourself, and make it your own. (I know that's a LOT harder than it sounds. Work at it!)</p>

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<p>well atleast you stayed within the word limit</p>

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<p>Okay i just read Tami post, THANK YOU thats just what i was looking for... i know its probably pretty boring and that line is pretty stupid too...</p>

<p>here is another edited version but this is before i read tamis post so its still kinda dumb but i'm working on it... (slowly cuz i mean i have liek 4 months)</p>

<p>In robotics our yearly challenge is to build a fully functional robot to complete complex tasks faster than the other teams… in 6 weeks. Through the process I’ve learned new things, had fun, and have made an impact on younger students. Through lots of frustration, confusion, teamwork and force I have learned/figured out how to: raise $20,000 in a couple months, design 3d models of complex parts, CNC machine gearboxes that I’ve designed, teach 3rd graders to make robots that are afraid of the dark, learn how to apply sketchy C++ knowledge to program a infrared tracking system in 1 week (I took that challenge upon myself sophomore year). There were roadblocks but I traversed them (using a large assortment of power tools), and in the end I learned some very complex skills, had fun building things, re-building things, and then teaching what I learned to younger students. I couldn’t ask for more out of any activity than to have the chance to learn and make an impact, while getting to tinker with (expensive) mechanical, electrical, and software devices.</p>

<p>i cut down on words and kind of made the reason i like doing robotics, but its kinda to cliche ... making an impact...
i guess i could write about the rush i get out making a functional piece of software or a functioning mechanical system...</p>

<p>i'm thinking the second version i should just like make it like a story like </p>

<p>the arm flew up and cracked a hole in the ceiling, yet everyone was estatic... this is a scene in the robotics room.... "yeah... look how strong that gear box is cracked a hole " blahblblah blah i design stuff.... blahblah blah... i feel so thrilled blah blah blah... its a great experience, then i can wedge that i love helping kids stuff in there somewhere ....</p>

<p>what do you think... would be okay to offer like a little glimpse or story or somethign that might be kinda less boring and real</p>

12

<p>The version above and the idea you posted is definitely better than your previous; you're beginning to sprinkle yourself into the mix. </p>

<p>Another suggestion that I might try, is to focus on one activity that occured in your robotics club. How about extending on the one about learning how to raise 20,000 in a couple months? That's a unique and significant thing you've learned and figured out, and I'm sure you could write a lot on the struggles, the confusion and the frustration, but not just with the vocabulary, but illustrating the situation. </p>

<p>You're story idea is great: make it more of a show/feel story, for example with the $20,000 raising, try to make your reader feel that confusion and frustration that you've felt, because if their feelings are on the same page as yours, your happy pull-throughs in those tough situations will be just that much more significant to the reader as well. </p>

<p>Try your best to make them (adcoms) feel the same magnitude of relief and happiness that you felt when you accomplished your goal. </p>

<p>*******Also, it's not a good idea to post your essay on the forums, it's just an issue with privacy and security. My best suggestion would be to get some readers, even close friends and teachers. If they feel that they can see you in the essay, you're on the right track.</p>

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<p>Why...? do people steal them or something ? :) i guess so of course... okay i'll edit them out... thanks for the comments</p>

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<p>no its just not wise especially when this site is frequented by adcoms (supposedly) they might stumble across your essay for example, remember having read it, and then next read a post you wrote about how much you love to eat babies (just an example ;))
anonymity is best for the internet. -- not to mention that your username seems as if it might be your real name. yikes! you're a walking advertisement.</p>

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<p>LOL :) is that really true... oh well i've only posted one or two embarassing things here</p>

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<p>In robotics our yearly challenge is to build a fully functional robot to complete complex tasks faster than the other teams. By no means is this an inexpensive undertaking; we had to raise more than 20 thousand dollars. Despite the challenge – or maybe because of it – I had a lot of fun. We devised unique fundraisers like throwing a LAN party for profit. My inner dork nearly had an asthma attack when I realized were getting money for robotics while playing video games. We maintained a grueling schedule for weeks; machining, welding, programming, wiring, debugging, sawing, reprogramming, re-debugging, and tweaking for hours on end to get it just right. As the team’s main programmer, CAD designer, machinist, and Arm operator I encountered a lot of problems, but I learned to think creatively and troubleshoot effectively. Robotics has been an integral part of my life. It has helped me to build impressive robots and remarkable friendships, as well as what is perhaps one of the more contrived essays that you will have the pleasure of reading this fall.</p>

<p>I gave it a shot. But darling... where's the HEART in this thing?</p>

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<p>hehe i totally reworked it lol... if you wanna read the new version pm me</p>