<p>Hi, all,</p>
<p>I'm really unsure if I should transfer or not. I'm not happy here, but I feel like transferring will eliminate many possible opportunities for me. I guess I should start from the beginning...</p>
<p>I go to a top 20 liberal arts school. Of the schools into which I had been accepted, it was the best . . . but also the most expensive. I have a very high EFC but no way to actually pay for college, so I've been taking out massive loans -- by the end of this year (I'm a second year), I will be about $60k in debt. I know. It wasn't the best idea. My parents said they would help me pay for school, so I wasn't completely worried about it at the time. I was a bit naive. </p>
<p>For some reason, before I even started college, I wasn't very excited about it. I kind of wanted to take a gap year and do some things, but my parents said no. Since they were going to help me pay for school and were still providing for me on many levels, I had to obey. So, I started at my school, barely excited. I was more nervous than anything, I think. </p>
<p>I ended up hating my first year. I lived in a very substance-heavy dorm, which was problematic for me as a sub-free person. I didn't fit into the floor culture or even the dorm culture. I really struggled to make friends. I was in choir and band, and had some acquaintances there, but nothing went beyond that. The couple times I was invited to do something, it was always going to drink and smoke, two things I don't like. I tried to make friends with some of the people on my floor, but it just didn't seem to work out very well. I was spending a lot of time by myself in my room (nothing to do in town either), and it was impacting my mental health. I started to see a counselor on campus, but it was very much like talking to a wall that sometimes muttered "I see" or "Oh" and "Have you tried volunteering at the animal shelter?" My grades were a mess both first and second semester. I didn't fail anything, but I didn't do well, either. I never got comfortable. </p>
<p>During the summer, I went home and worked. I didn't really know what I was supposed to do about internships, so I never applied for one. When August rolled around, I got ready for school once more. I decided to live in sub-free housing this semester with a roommate that I barely knew. I got to school, and things seemed okay for a few weeks. I was familiar with the campus and many of the people and the profs. I felt like I would be able to handle the semester. I started working off campus an hour away because I couldn't find a good campus job. I justified the long drive by saying that it will get me off campus and out of my head, something I thought would be very important. It was also a company that I had worked for for about 1.5 years already, so I knew what I was doing and had more opportunities for advancement/raises for continuing. I also got much more involved on campus. I was still part of band and choir, but I joined another performing ensemble and the student education policy committee. Like the year before, I also took music lessons.</p>
<p>Fast forward a few months to today: I'm not sure what happened exactly, but I'm struggling again in my classes, and I still have yet to make any real friends. I had to lessen my hours at work, and I withdrew from a class because I couldn't handle my schedule anymore. It was getting to the point where I was pulling all-nighters multiple times a week, often in a row. I couldn't function like that anymore. So, I made adjustments. But it doesn't seem to have helped much. I can't get motivated to do work. And, if I'm honest, it has become increasingly difficult to make myself get up and go to class. I actually skipped my 8 am and 9 am classes today (and, again, if I'm honest, this isn't the first time). I hate my job because the people there are very negative and tend to treat me poorly, but I can't quit because I need some sort of income. When I'm not at my activities, I have no one to talk to or hang out with, so I just go back to my room and try to get work done (which doesn't happen a lot anymore). I don't know why I can't recover from this. I got a good break (we get a fall break), and I should be on top of everything, but I'm not. I'm incredibly frustrated with myself. I want to study abroad next fall, but I don't think I'll be able to with the way my GPA will be at the end of the semester. I don't feel like there are really any resources available to me on campus. I don't know what I would even say to my adviser, and the last time I went to go talk to academic advising, they told me just to email my residence life coordinator. I don't think I'm depressed, but I also don't know what's wrong or what I'm doing here anymore.</p>
<p>If I transfer, I lose the name brand and its alumni network. I lose the institutional identity, which I actually do like. I lose the diversity and commitment to social justice that we have here. I lose access to the amazing anthropology department that we have. If I transfer, I will feel like I have failed myself and those who are always telling me how proud they are of me. I will have wasted $60k. I don't know how my credits will transfer.</p>
<p>My parents say that if I transfer, I have to go somewhere in state, severely limiting my options. They have wanted me to go to our state school from the beginning because it is a pretty good university and very inexpensive, comparatively speaking. I hate how big it is, though (my current school is about 1700 students, while the state school is about 25000 students). The only perk would be being closer to home and getting to see my family more often. I'm a music and anthropology double major (haven't declared anthro yet). While I know the state school has both programs, I'm really worried about getting into the music program because I was rejected the first time I applied to it (accepted into the university, but not the music program). My current college's music program is not competitive, nor is it very large (there are at most 15 students who are music majors). I'm not sure what options I would even have because my current GPA is so low, and I'm not sure where to look.</p>
<p>My other options are continuing as I have been or taking a leave of absence.</p>
<p>I'm sorry this is such an incredibly long post, and I am genuinely thankful to those who have read it and choose to comment.</p>
<p>Thank you,
FrayedPages</p>