<p>We all know about our mistakes, but what did you do with your DD or DS that was SMART and might help a parent who is still in the trenches of guiding their student toward college? I will start:
1 - For her 18th birthday, we treated DD and two friends to a night away in San Francisco. I went with our younger daughter as chaperones, but we left them completely alone without any plans for a full day. They had to figure everything out - routing their sightseeing, negotiating what to do, finding food, using public transportation...... Both my DD and her friend say that it was incredibly empowering to know they could survive in a big city alone.
2. We signed DD up for a debit card with automatic deposits for clothing in early high school. With younger sister, we gave it to her in middle school. All clothes had to be purchased with this money (we did make exceptions for required athletic gear, and SHOES in middle school - their feet grow like WILDFIRE!!) This was an excellent way to help them learn to manage money, and saved ME cash. We went with $75 a month, which seemed like a lot until I added up all the "I needs" when she didn't have a budget. Both girls have learned the value of consignment stores, and what to spend more/less on according to the amount of wear the item will get. </p>
<ol>
<li>Made her get a bank account and a debit card.</li>
<li>She took a plane (for a college trip) on her own.</li>
<li>Taught her to do laundry, do some elementary cooking and shop for groceries in a health- and budget-conscious manner. This one is still a work in progress :-)</li>
</ol>
<p>Raised the kids so that they would be self-sufficient if needed by the time they left for college. They know how to manage a bank account and have since they were 13, run a household (cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.). They can navigate the web to buy plane tickets, have traveled enough to know what to do at the airports, etc. If something happened to us I would not be concerned at all that they would be able to manage on their own (minus missing us of course).</p>
<p>I made a point of teaching my kids how to use medicines appropriately and safely. They would never think of taking a nonprescription drug on top of a prescription one or drinking alcohol while taking a drug without checking with the pharmacist first. They also know the importance of not taking more than one medicine that contains acetaminophen. They have been surprised that many of their friends do not know these kinds of things.</p>
<p>Also, if your kids went to high schools where carrying medicine was strictly forbidden, you may have to specifically advise them that once they’ve graduated, they SHOULD carry prescription drugs that they might need to take during the day (or if delayed getting home) or over-the-counter drugs that they use frequently (like Advil for menstrual cramps or medicines for allergy symptoms). This may seem obvious to us, but it’s a foreign concept to kids who have spent 13 years following the bizarre medicine rules of the public schools.</p>
<p>Hard to actually come up with things that are different from regular growing up learnings.</p>
<ol>
<li>Enrolling in Amazon Prime. It provides a great back up for getting things that are not readily available since there is no market walking distance from school.<br></li>
<li>Teaching son how to call for a cab, how soon to come before his flight and and how much to tip. </li>
<li>Made up a first aid box with all the misc things son uses at home: bandaids, peroxide, zinc lozenges, chloroseptic, claritan, advil etc.</li>
<li>Topper for his dorm bed (he loves it) to make it feel better to sleep.</li>
</ol>
<p>Not for college but for independent life in general, all things automotive – learning how to drive, routine oil and fluid checks, learning basic parts of a car and what they do, how to use a code reader to diagnose problems, taking car in to shop, shopping for a used car: test driving it, having it checked over by a mechanic and negotiating on price (I did the negotiating but he was involved at every step), filling out accident report (not his fault), speaking with insurance agent, dealing with body shop, etc.</p>
<p>Taught son to value learning, be an independent thinker and a reader. Gave habits of academics as a part of life, not just confined to school time and assigned homework. Let him have a childhood that included a variety of childhood only experiences- time for music, sports and play and not just academics for my gifted kid. Internal locus of control- morals and ethics because they make sense to him, not because some church or law dictates. Far easier to not lose internal values when trying different selves in college than to quit parental or church laws externally imposed.</p>
<p>Loosened the apron strings as HS years progressed. By senior year we still had to sign off on his schedule, but he was making the choices, not us. He chose his activites, not us. He did all of his own college apps (asking us for info when needed- eg our colleges). We took him to college campuses over the years when we were in a college town- he had exposure over several years, not just specific trips.</p>
<p>By senior year in HS much independence from the family is an expected norm- often gone for activities, not many required family events. Learning to let go and realize the child is becoming an adult with a separate lifestyle. Our son was young- still 16 when he started college- but ready to cope with life away from home.</p>
<p>Made sure he had many basic skills that are harder to acquire in adulthood- swimming, bicycle riding, driving. Basic laundry, cleaning, cooking and shopping skills. Cooking can mean knowing how to boil water, use a stove, make mac’n’cheese and follow package directions. Taught him to make purchases based on what something is worth, not just what he can afford, and to find the best price. Needs versus wants, delayed gratification.</p>
<p>Shouldn’t be a big deal- but if you are doing your kids laundry in 11 th/12th grade you are doing a huge diservice. I went to a presentation by a psychologist on prepping your kids to be college ready. She said if they are not taking care of the simple stuff now - they could have a big breakdown later- Sounds dramatic but here’s the example:</p>
<p>+Sleeping poorly, out late
+Eating carbs, fake chicken, etc
+Roommate is a pig
+Big Exam coming up and 2 Papers Due
+No Clean Underwear, nor Socks & towels smell…
+missed classes
= A kid who has dug himself in a hole & has a breakdown</p>
<p>Teach him/her how to resolve their little problems like, laundry, cleaniness, follow through, banking, buying books, talking to HS teachers about missed work, paying tickets, etc…</p>
<p>Also taught son many of the above things. You wouldn’t guess some of them by viewing his college living quarters over the years. Knowing how to do things doesn’t mean choosing to do them- cleaning and keeping a tidy space, for example. </p>
<p>Strong willed child versus equally strong willed parents- but that’s the did wrong thread I won’t post on.</p>
<p>Learning to deal with the consequences of one’s actions is important. This means not rescuing your child every time. Make it your child’s job to figure out logistics and ask for your help when desired. No assumptions mom will drop everything to get a child to a store or activity, arrangements to be made with you in advance. Teach your child to plan out events in advance- money, transportation, other things.</p>
<p>PS- don’t worry if you don’t achieve every goal proposed. Learning still occurs in college and beyond.</p>
<p>I taught them both that no matter how well they did there will always be someone smarter and/or who will work harder. I taught them achievement is an infinite continuum and that they need to get comfortable with that and see their lives as a process and not getting to an end point. I also taught then to hang up their clothes or fold them and put them in a drawer. Even dirty clothes seem nice to put on if they are hung up or folded.</p>
<p>There really isn’t much difference, except that most of us have kids who will go away to school rather than commuting from home, so there’s a certain pressure to teach some things before the kid goes away. If our kids were living at home during college, we could wait until a topic came up naturally. </p>
<p>Of course, with today’s multiple forms of communication, it’s still possible to teach or advise a kid when they’re living away from home. But it only happens if the kid brings up the topic or if it happens to come up in a long-distance conversation.</p>
<p>It’s amazing, sometimes, what young people don’t know. My son, who is 26, just moved for the second time in two years. This time, he and I happened to have a conversation about the details of moving while he was packing and getting ready. During that conversation, I mentioned the need to get his postal mail forwarded, and he said, “Why? I didn’t do that the last time.” [Insert facepalm icon here]</p>
<p>We did a lot of everything that’s been mentioned but we started when kids were in the 9th grade. Also, we sent our S to a summer college program at his number one choice - expensive but ultimately worth it as that is the school he now attends.</p>
<p>I wish we understood the sex, drugs, party culture more. It’s definitely different from my youth and I don’t understand many things. For example, guys and girls hanging out, visiting each others rooms, staying late and it all being platonic but then dating not quite being monogamous- like dating all their FB friends ( why do kids expose so much to everyone?).</p>