so here's how it is..

<p>i'm going to post my second prompt (UC transfer) essay for any of you older, perhaps wiser, CCers to peruse as please. yes, it's already been submitted, but i'm getting restless and just read a few other essays... felt like seeing how mine comes off to parents, who hopefully aren't as jaded as we students. </p>

<p>any criticism / thoughts highly appreciated.</p>

<p>thanks.</p>

<p>prompt 2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?</p>

<p>Three years old and all but three feet tall, I used to climb up and peer over a polished oak fence that separated my yard from my neighbor, John’s. John would often be tending to his vegetable garden, clad in oversized blue jeans that cheated gravity with the help of a pair of fluorescent red suspenders. He usually pretended not to notice me. Finally, knelt over a tomato vine one spring afternoon, John raised his head and hollered, “Curious little bugger, ain’cha!” And I am.</p>

<p>Nothing has proven more essential to my nature than exploration. In my early years, my parents presented me with Erector Sets and Marble Drops that did well to distract. Custom-designed space ships quickly filled every empty spot on any available bookshelf in the house. My room - more than a mere site for sleep - became the spot of an architectural oddity upon which marbles traveled impossible paths: under bed, over desk, and down the drawers to arrive full-circle at the landing.</p>

<p>Along the climb to adolescence, my exploration moved from amateur construction to adventure in the abstract. Tom Sawyer, Joe Harper and Huckleberry Finn were my mentors in mischief, advising me of the “proper” ways to attract the attention of my very own Becky Thatcher(s). Amid the mischief, Bilbo and Frodo Baggins helped show me the meanings of responsibility, honor, loyalty and perseverance. It was through their trials and tribulations that I first came to see how one’s character is solidified in his/her actions, especially when the correct course is not so clearly defined. </p>

<p>As a teenager, I fell for a shapely four-and-a-half feet of polished brass that came gift-wrapped with unprecedented mystery. Through the trumpet, I was made able to pillage firsthand Miles Davis’s raw unpredictability and Coltrane’s perfect cacophonies. The faculty of playing music and actively experiencing improvisation, the transcendence of idea and sound, afforded me a heightened understanding and appreciation for any piece of music I have since laid ears on.</p>

<p>After a welcomed growth spurt at age fifteen, I sought to discover the breadth of my athletic abilities and entered the world of skateboarding with strict resolve. A few years after landing that first basic kickflip, I had picked up industry sponsorship for hurling myself down flights of fifteen stairs, sliding unforgiving steel handrails toward concrete landings that did not hesitate to punish, in the most Draconian sense, for faulty foot placement. Skateboarding is simply rolling on or jumping off of the ground while keeping a few ply of maple wood, some steel and a little polyurethane controlled beneath you. But within this simple and confined system, there is a quality of infinite variation that makes the blood and broken bones worth all the while. </p>

<p>Looking back, I can think of few falls from which I have not risen, fewer books at whose covers I have stopped, and still fewer sour notes that have caused more frustration than desire to persevere. When John confronted me about my curiosity as I was inspecting his yard on that distant spring day, in all his wisdom, he neglected to mention how healthy it is to be curious by nature - to question further, to break the surface, to gain insight and then to apply new knowledge to life. Not a day goes by during which I am not led by an insatiable desire to know more than I had known at the day’s start, and to gain some new experience. My curiosity has now impelled me onto an intellectual pursuit that I feel can only be continued by direct exploration of the University of California.</p>

<p>It's ok. You have some nice turns of phrase but I would say that by the fourth paragraph the voice has pretty much done all it can and begins to cloy a bit. From Becky Thatcher on I would definitely try to modulate your approach otherwise you run the risk of making yourself monotonous. It's a paradox in which more somehow seems less. Having said as much, it's better than many of the essays I have read.</p>

<p>First, never post an essay here or anywhere on the internet.</p>

<p>Second, ask yourself, how many must write an essay that reads very much like this one? You pick yourself up when you fall down. And? What's unique about you and why do they want YOU on campus among all those that pick themselves up when they fall down?</p>

<p>penny - thanks. i do see what you mean about the 'cloying'.. i'm just hoping that among the uc essay readers, there's some sort of unrealized expectation for overbearing sentiment.. like they've got a sixth sense for it, making them feel more comfortable having founded traces of it than not. regardless, due to having procrastinated far beyond crunch-time, i was stuck with it. </p>

<p>hmom - i threw in that bit about picking myself up because i had just mentioned literally falling off of a skateboard and i thought that it transitioned well. + if after reading that, you can't think of anything that separates me from the herd, i guess i'm glad you're evaluating my admission :)</p>

<p>Overall it caught my interest. I could not help but compare it to my S's. He wrote his main essay on skateboarding and persevering. He did not apply to any HYPS at all. Nonetheless, his was also well written. The main difference was that his had a lighter touch and a little humor. That is all I see missing from yours--just a bit of humor.
I did like that you organized it by age--easy to follow. The grammer is flawless and sentance structure is great. Just a tad serious. However, you come across as a good writer and mature. This is what I think a transfer student would want to project--so the best to you and do let us know if you get accepted. When do you find out? (had a D transfer and it was a big project!).</p>

<p>you didn't get a kick out of 'shapely 4 1/2 feet of polished brass'? eh... i, as well as the few friends who read the thing, liked the '(s)' at the end of becky thatcher. but other than that, yeah... i'm 22, did miserably in high school, even worse for the first two years of community college, from which the only credit i received were 2 C's that take a decent chunk out of my gpa.. the last four semesters have left me with a 3.76, but because of those C's, it falls to a 3.47. anyway, i wanted to convey more maturity and seriousness than sense of humor or the post-adolescent excitement in anticipation of that first taste of freedom that college represents for most people. </p>

<p>i've applied philosophy at UCB/LA/SD/SB.
based on stats, i'm already in at SD and SB.
find out about UCLA between april 15-30, and UCB (my first choice) on the 30th. </p>

<p>thanks.</p>

<p>sorry, hmom5.. i meant *not evaluating my admission.
the smiley face still stands :)</p>

<p>bummmmmmpp</p>

<p>Too much filler, junk to me- be thankful I'm not on any admissions committee. You either want amateurs to praise you or are foolishly asking us to rewrite for you. The prompt asks you to (presumably succinctly) tell about yourself, not do a creative writing project. Skip the junk and tell them what they want to hear without needing to wade through the verbose filler. Don't expect anyone to do your job for you.</p>

<p>Pinker, the post you wrote about your road to good grades is much more interesting and, done thoughtfully, is perhaps the better topic.</p>

<p>wow wis75..
all i asked for was criticism / comments.
nothing more.
did someone not love you enough as a child?</p>

<p>You got a critque and comments, you don't have to like it- why did you bu...mp? Growth is needed- ask parents for help, don't disparage them.</p>

<p>I don't know why you would ask after the fact, or why you would post it public (very brave.) But, more for others than for you, I don't think tales of being 3 years old ever belong on a college essay. It is cliche, but more importantly, it wastes space where you could be talking about your current state of affairs. A bit of lead in is fine where there is some specific point that ties into the present, but no childhood tales, please!</p>

<p>It may be a good enough essay, who knows? But I really would expect a transfer student's essay to be more mature and to speak more to college level experiences. Where this one sounds more like a freshman's at 18. Problem is, no one can give you any constructive criticism at this stage. So best of luck with the transfer, it sounds like you are confident the rest of your application will carry you through.</p>

<p>I guess if you didn't do well at community college and high school either for that matter, I would wonder why you didn't address what you were doing instead of reading and doing the work back then. </p>

<p>As for the essay above: It may have read a little pedantic, a little expected and it might have gone on a little long for me (as in, I might have turned to why school wasn't for me but the curiosity just needed time to mature or something -- at 22 you could have been a proverbial fine wine - although equally expected I suppose.)</p>

<p>Overall however, I think sometimes these essays are so overly polished so that they no longer hold the voice of an 18 year old (or a 22 year old, in your case). And while I don't have anything to back this up (e.g., acceptance letters), I just don't agree with pandering to anyone, let alone an admission's committee. Putting your best foot forward is one thing, but digging out your dress shoes, shoving your feet in them regardless of how they pinch or look stupid with jeans is just a little disingenuous.</p>

<p>wis - feel free to PM me about what's led you to become so bitterly presumptive. </p>

<p>bp and modadun, thanks.
one of the reasons i'm seeking critique after the fact is to gain a little peace of mind. strange as it may seem, whether i receive positive or negative responses, the simple acquisition of additional reactions - even / especially from the more critical CC parents - is comforting. don't ask why... i can't really explain the emotional consequents of this process, but i know that i'm not the only one who's been feeling a little anxious these past few months.</p>

<p>for the record, my first prompt essay addressed my poor performance, explaining that i had aspirations of turning pro with skateboarding, got a wake up call after breaking 6 fingers, read a lot over my 6 month recuperation and developed a heavy interest in philosophy, prompting my renewed interest in school / learning..
i had a few capable people look at it and feel comfortable with how it turned out... however, this second essay, posted above, was written a few hours before the deadline and, like i said, i never really got much criticism. </p>

<p>again, thanks for any thoughts. they are sincerely appreciated.</p>

<p>Glad to hear that it was addressed. I agree that you never know from where or for what inspiration will strike. I was definitely floating along and feel into an English major simply because I liked the classes, read fast and could churn out an analytical paper easier than most in a crunch. It wasn't until I was working for a Drs office (nothing to do with an English major as if there is any job specific to English except English teacher) and got involved in their non-profit outreach program. I then found myself wanting to go back to school so I would be more marketable to the jobs I wanted. I had never known what I wanted to be when I grew up (and still don't for the most part :), but I'll never forget when that light went on, when it became less about grades and getting by and more about learning as much as I can.</p>