<p>justforthis,</p>
<p>It is difficult. It just is. </p>
<p>But you know that you would not have been a good parent if you had not done precisely what you decribe: create future adults with all the tools to live their lives in the adult world.</p>
<p>You still have a family, but it is different. (This from the mother of a one and only who has graduated from college and is employed 9 hours away). We want our kids to be adaptable; we have to be so as well.</p>
<p>Best to you,</p>
<p>Mafool</p>
<p>I just went to a benefit dinner for a Jewish Big Brother/Big Sister organization (Iâm sure this comes in other denominational or non-denominational flavors). Many of the volunteers and board members began to volunteer when the next emptied. The board member who invited me told me that he mentored a kid for 9 years. Not sure what the situation was, but the kid is going to graduate from CMU in business and engineering (canât remember which kind of engineering) and had gotten help all the way through including substantial college scholarships from this organization and he has a job at a well-known firm that will pay him a very good first year salary. They have really helped lots of kids. So, you may still be able to help by borrowing family members. Itâs not the same, but if these folks were any indication, the time spent over years was very fulfilling.</p>
<p>Thatâs sounds like a very worthwhile organization.</p>
<p>Do the happy dance?! 
Sorry, couldnât help myselfâŠ</p>
<p>D1 is in her 4th yr of grad school. D2 is a college senior and will pursue her MS in the fall. D3 is a college freshman. Although the older 2 are in the east coast, they check in now and thenâso we know that they are in their respective places. Itâs all good. :)</p>
<p>S1 has been accepted to two of his top choice graduate schools and is making his decision. S2 starts his Real Job in another part of the country next week. DH and I are having the real estate agent come next week to tell us whatâs left to do in the house. Hopefully it will be on the market in the next few weeks. </p>
<p>Time for the next act. Iâm more than ready.</p>
<p>Mafool:
Thank you.</p>
<p>You enjoy it while it lasts. Your birdies may be flying home back home to roost any day . . . As much as we love them, thatâs not really the way itâs supposed to be!</p>
<p>The thing is, I feel somewhat blindsided by this. Like justforthis, I wanted to create a family all those years ago I never really fastforwarded to now to realize the ramifications on my psyche of creating those strong bonds to break them 18 years later. Why is it that it isnât really talked about. I feel like I knew more and was warned more about menopause than this.</p>
<p>Simplymom, I agree that the empty nest isnât discussed. Iâm old enough to remember when it WAS. When I was a kid Iâd see articles in the âfamilyâ section of the newspaper about this. Iâd hear neighborhood women discussing it too. The term empty nest is something that sticks in a kidâs mind. </p>
<p>I think that the advent of modern feminism swung the pendulum over too far to the other side. Today women are expected to have âgotten overâ ideas like empty nest because it is seen to have be an unhealthy throwback to an earlier time when women had âno lifeâ outside of the home. Heck, even Oprah called stay at home women dinosaurs! The thinking is if you feel that way itâs proof positive that you over-invested yourself into your family. In other words, you need to âget a life!â</p>
<p>Thatâs why there is no public discussion about empty nest. Outside of the tired mommy-wars played out in magazines (to boost sales at the supermarket!) of the us vs them of working outside of the home vs women in the home, how much authentic discussion is there about women who stay at home? Thereâs more discussion about MEN who stay at home. The powers that be have decided if it isnât discussed, it doesnât exist.</p>
<p>I think thatâs nonsense of course as do most women who gave up career to come home.</p>
<p>Just want to say that the newly empty-nest can also be extremely difficult for parents who do work outside the home.</p>
<p>Exhibit A, right here.</p>
<p>Absolutely, mafool! I didnât mean to imply working moms donât suffer from empty nest. Itâs real and weâre all going through/getting through/getting ready to go through it. </p>
<p>It can be tough.</p>
<p>And simplymom----We have to tell ourselves that weâre not breaking the bonds we have forged but that the bonds are changing! Like you, I came home to raise my d who turned out to be my only. And I homeschooled her, too so I really get what youâre saying! In my homeschool group there are women who often talk about starting a support group for those of us who are finished with the homeschooling journeyâone lady has homeschooled for close to 30 years!</p>
<p>Iâve often said to other homeschoolers that there are limitless resources about HOW to homeschool but Iâve yet to see a book written for women about life AFTER homeschooling, i.e. empty nest!</p>
<p>bungalowdweller, I think I read your post too quickly!</p>
<p>Understood, mafool!</p>
<p>This is like running a marathon. Weâre running together yet itâs a private race, too. </p>
<p>Mine is going to college this fall. Sheâll be 14 hours away. This year has been excruciating because I know this is âit.â</p>
<p>I indulged in a decent amount of âaniticpatory griefâ (in private) in the months leading up to departure day, and decided how I wanted to handle this with our son. I think it helped, but then again, I am a âplanner.â Planning is a coping strategy for me. I handled the preparation and drop off quite well.</p>
<p>This does not mean that I was never ambushed by emotions and never found myself sobbing in a fetal position once I got back home after drop off.</p>
<p>(Ours, too, was exactly 14 hours away.)</p>
<p>I remember bringing DD home from the hospitalâŠit had been a long birth process. I was tired and she was not feeding well. I remember like it was just yesterday - sitting in the rocker holding her at 2:00 a.m. thinkingâŠwow, in 18 years life will be ânormalâ again. Little did I know. All those who have stated that there are tools, and societal acceptance, for the passages of birth, menopause, aging etc. and yet no official acknowledgement of the passage from full to empty nest have hit the nail on the head. </p>
<p>I too chose to return to the home to be the primary parent and would not change that decision in the least. It does leave one with a very large amount of time and âopen brain spaceâ when the nest empties. DH keeps asking me what I want to do when we are âfreeâ in 18 months. That is a terrifying question because franklyâŠI have no idea. I donât want to do what I was doing 20+ years ago (besides, non of those clubbing clothes fit anymore), and havenât spent many brain cycles figuring out what is next.</p>
<p>Iâll keep checking back here in case the answer appears. :)</p>
<p>The answer is not the same for all. And letâs not forget that men can also suffer when the nest empties. D has been 1200 miles away for the last 5 years, 4 for school, 1 for work. In August she will start her PhD program only 2 hrs. away! For some of the time we will be here, but we will be retiring to Hâs home country before she finishes. S has been living there for 9 years. Itâs still tough for me and H.</p>
<p>It seems so unfair. The bond becomes so strong. When most relationships change this significantly, it is a death or a divorce. This is a trick. The problem is everything went right, there is no anger like with a divorce and this is suppose to be happy not sad like a death. I just wish there was more out there I the way of guidance through this, like what to expect when your expecting but more like what to expect when they fly. The first time it hit me, I went to the mailbox and a reminder came to schedule senior portraits. I might as well have been punched in the stomach. It took me by surprise. Who would have expected something so emotional to be lingering in the mailbox.</p>
<p>Simplymom stated it perfectly
</p>
<p>yes.</p>
<p>I have nothing to add.</p>
<p>(0h well, added a few minutes later: Except that, those whose children it did not do so âwellâ wish they were in our shoes.)</p>
<p>Iâve been dealing with this for awhile and still find it challenging. Iâm still looking to fill up the extra free time. I guess I need to work harder on that. ;)</p>
<p>I like your comment, too, Simplymom: The problem is everything went right. </p>
<p>It reminds me of this piece by Erma Bombeck - she was a wise woman: </p>
<p>"I see children as kites. You spend a lifetime trying to get them off the ground. You run with them until youâre both breathlessâŠthey crash⊠you add a longer tail⊠they hit the rooftop⊠you pluck them out of the spout⊠you patch and comfort, adjust and teach. You watch them lifted by the wind and assure them that someday theyâll fly.</p>
<p>Finally, they are airborne, but they need more string and you keep letting it out and with each twist of the ball of twine, there is a sadness that goes with the joy because the kite becomes more distant and somehow you know that it wonât be long before that beautiful creature will snap the lifeline that bound you together and soar as it was meant to soar⊠free and alone.</p>
<p>Only then do you know that you did your job."</p>