<p>Your S should know his efforts are touching the hearts of some very thankful parents. He will make a fine parent and spouse one day.</p>
<p>Your S does need to take care of himself, too – and having a resident with a chronic illness sleep in your S’s room sounds like he’s taking on a bit much.</p>
<p>I’m impressed with your son and impressed with the college. So different than what we’ve heard from so many other parents.</p>
<p>Glad to hear the college is on top of things. And your son sounds awesome!</p>
<p>My son attended a camp program years ago with relatively untrained helpers, great-hearted kids who all thought they could teach us a thing or two LOL, so I’m a bit cynical. I’m thrilled to know situations like these exist…any chance you’re willing to share the name of the college?</p>
<p>I knew someone would ask something like the name of the college but as one of the moderators knows I have asked permission to use a different name for this post to protect my S and this other boy. I know a number of parents from the college are on CC. All I wanted was to help my S get some first hand ideas to help and where better than from parents of an asperger child. I am only trying to keep the 2 students anonymous. Again though thank you all so much. I have sent the first edition of suggestions to my S and will let you all know what he thinks and how things go.</p>
<p>One of my friends has a high functioning Aspie son & he went to an Ivy, where he wound up spending his first semester sitting in his room editing Wikipedia! He needs to have someone checking that he is coming out of his room & he also needs someone sitting on him to be sure he is doing his work & not getting sidetracked into other things.</p>
<p>Like a few others, my first reaction was worry for your son. It is good for him to be aware of the situation with Asperger’s, but I think he is feeling almost too responsible. I am assuming, since the boy has a single, that he is registered with the disabilities office and that other resources are available.</p>
<p>Confidentiality laws make explanations to other students impossible. I think, based on my own kids, that there is an awareness among kids today about autism spectrum issues. But still, it is probably difficult for the son/RA to hear comments and not be able to explain that the boy has Asperger’s.</p>
<p>The comment about sleeping in the room with the kid with diabetes alarmed me. I have a daughter with type 1, on an insulin pump. To be honest, I would not want a severe low handled, or my daughter monitored, by an RA with no training in diabetes. This is a life and death matter. Does he know how to do a glucagon injection? Did the student call his or her doctor or see a health care professional? This is taking on way too much, in my opinion.</p>
<p>That said, I have always wished for an RA who would learn glucagon, a life-saving injection that can bring a person out of unconsciousness or seizure due to a low, while waiting for paramedics. Your son should know that EMT’s cannot do anything for this situation: glucagon is therefore essential if paramedics are not readily available. Learning glucagon is a reasonable expectation if the RA is willing to do it, or a roommate, for that matter. </p>
<p>I still wake my daughter up as a backup alarm, in the middle of the night, if she is running low. I understand what your son did, but it is not his responsibility.</p>
<p>I can understand how proud you must be of this son, and doing too much is commendable, far more than doing too little. But I would counsel him to consider and clarify the boundaries of his responsibilities with the RD. He is very young, still only a junior, and the college would not want him to take on too much either.</p>
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<p>I think that within a university structure and except for emergencies and criminal investigations, probably only an RA can go into a student’s room in the normal course of events. In my experience, most (all?) disabilities offices have the policy of “call us, we won’t call you.” They make their services available, but the student has to reach out to them. </p>
<p>If a student hadn’t emerged from his room in five days, the disabilities office would not know about it and even if they did, I don’t think they would feel it appropriate (or be allowed?) to come into the dorm and knock on his door and check things out.</p>
<p>Further, the disabilities office does not observe the day to day interaction (or lack thereof) with other students. The RA does. The disabilities office does not plan or probably even know about upcoming social events. The RA does. The disabilities office does not know when everyone on the floor has gone to the lounge to watch a movie and the kid with Asperger’s hasn’t caught on to what is going on. The RA can knock on his door and invite him. It would be exceedling awkward for the lady in the disabilities office to mention a student’s personal hygiene. It would be a lot more natural for an RA of the same gender to suggest to the student that he hit the shower more often.</p>
<p>It is amazing how little the disabilities office is able (or willing) to do. The RA is the perfect person to keep informal tabs on a student with Aspergers. I’m not saying he is required to, or that it is in his job description. But as the OP’s son said, if his desire is to see that they don’t lose anyone on his watch, there is a lot he can do. </p>
<p>When your student with Asperger’s is unsuccessful living away from home and going to college, there is no one to whom to legally point fingers. It is his responsibility to succeed or fail. But there are so many people - RAs, professors, counselors - who have it in their power to try to help the student succeed. Yes, they are perfectly entitled to ignore the student and let him wash out. But the kind, humane thing to do is to help when and how you can.</p>
<p>Compmom: My W (his Mom) is also diabetic and as a family we did take the information courses offered by the diabetics association and glucogon injections was one of the things covered. Let me explain though that the student came to my S’s room at around midnight (the first Sunday night of school) and told him they THOUGHT they were having an insulin reaction. My S immediately called the University Police who were on site within 5 minutes. The police called the paramedics and when they arrived my S was ushered out of the room (his own dorm). They did something and then the student was feeling better and decided to not go to the hospital. My S has no idea what the paremedics did as he was not allowed in the room. After all the commotion (my S writing the reports for police, paramedics and college) the student had fallen asleep on my S’s bed so instead of waking him my S contacted the RD let him know what was happening and that his door would be open all night and he was sleeping on his chair. The RD came down and checked on my S and kept him company for a while. We had always told him that under no circumstances can he administer medication. The most he can do is go get it for the student but not administer it. The paramedics also told him the same thing. When my son worked at the summer camps he had to have his Red Cross first aid training and also CPR-C and again they had hammered home that you do not under any circumstance give medication to someone.<br>
My S has commented to us that the hardest thing is when someone comes and complains about the Aspergers student to not be able to explain it to them. I hope he takes some of the comments that have been made here about just having them tell him politely to stop what ever it is that is upsetting them by saying “please stop , what you are doing makes me feel uncomfortable”. I will see my S this weekend so we will also have a good long talk. One thing is I think he got this attitude of helping from me. (not wanting to toot my own horn) I gave up a very good career to become a health, safety and environment adviser for some very personal reasons. I am now looking at retirement. Took 3 years of University to get there and have done many things in my S’s HS to help students understand health and safety.<br>
The last thing I want to do is curb his caring attitude but his health has to come first. The diabetic has had no problems since then and my S actually got a thank you card from their mom. I guess the student told their parents.</p>
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<p>If your son is ever in a position of having a talk with the student with Asperger’s, he might ask the student if he wants to disclose to anyone n the floor. The public awareness of Asperger’s is rising. There are Aspie characters on Community and Parenthood. Glee even has a character with “self diagnosed Aspergers” - the writers are assuming that the viewer knows what that is. The student might be totally willing to selectively self-disclose - it just may not have occured to him.</p>
<p>We had a co-worker that I am positive was one of those with undiagonsed Aspergers (due to his age.) He was eventually fired for his odd/antisocial behavior and folks around the office still talk about him and tell war stories about his behavior. Yet, the same people know that my son has Asperger’s and are very sympathetic and sensitive about the issue. I can’t help but think that if our former co-worker had been diagnosed, and had self-disclosed, he might be still working here. Rather than being outraged by his combative emails, an in-tune co-worker could have said, “Dude, do you know that your emails are really making people mad?”</p>
<p>My son was recently diagnosed as a high-functioning Aspie, although you might not notice unless know him well. It shows up mostly as a lack of awareness of what is socially appropriate. For what it’s worth, he often needs to be told, and always appreciates being politely told, that something he does is making someone else feel uncomfortable. This typically includes standing too close, following someone into inappropriate places, continuing to converse when someone is obviously in a hurry to leave, and so on. As long as it’s done politely, he takes it well and tries to incorporate the lesson into his future behavior.</p>
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<p>That’s the thing. Smart Aspies can be taught, they can learn. No need to throw your hands up, just because they don’t absorb certain things naturally. </p>
<p>Some little kids just “know” how to read by being read to. But we don’t give up on the kids who didn’t learn to read on their own…we teach them. Same thing here. Just because a kid doesn’t pick up on his own that he shouldn’t stand so close, doesn’t mean he can’t remember it as a rule.</p>
<p>I always analogize it to visiting a country with an entirely different culture. I’m sure I would be offending people right and left…but if someone taught me the differences and the rules, I could remember them most of the time and behave in a generally acceptable manner.</p>
<p>Another vote for disclosure here. My S did so in 10th grade as part of a health project, and is very glad he did - he now assumes (rightly) that most of his classmates know and he can be more upfront about saying “just tell me when I do something inappropriate.” A lot of Aspies also have real anxiety issues and whatever they can do to lower that is very, very helpful - when anxious, my S just doesn’t have the “bandwidth” to self-monitor as well. I hope he can have the same openness at college, and boy, do I hope he has an RA like your son.</p>
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<p>That is why the “foreign country” analogy works so well. If you were in India and were eating with the “bathroom hand”, you would much prefer that someone tell you than just grossing everyone out wherever you went. If an Aspie is doing something “weird”, if you tell them nicely and privately, it should be received just fine and noted for later.</p>
<p>Thanks everyone,
my S called last evening a bit discouraged. The Aspergers student told my S that he may be transfering out after the Columbus day break. My S asked if there was anything he could do to make it work for the student. The student said he didnt think so and that my S was probably the most helpful person he has come across at college. My S is disappointed and wishes there was something he could do. I told him not to try to talk the boy into staying because if it doesnt work then my S would feel that he was to blame, this has to be a decision that he and his parents comes to. The Student said he promises to email or text my S over the break to let him know. My S asked if he could friend him on FB and to please keep in touch if he decided to not come back. The boy did not answer him.
I have very mixed feeling about this. I know my S would have done everything he could to help and is disappointed that he may not have the chance, on the other hand as many of you had commented I have been worried about the commitment my S making to this. As I said my S has to come first. All of the info you folks have shared is definetly not gone to waste, I have noticed over 1500 views on this post so maybe others will have learned as much as me and my S.
I guess I will let you all know later next week.
I really think though that a post like this should be left open for easy quick reference that others can add too and share some personal experience. Thanks again</p>
<p>As the student said, your son was probably the most helpful person he has come across at the school…it may be that the school as a whole isn’t equipped to give him everything he needs. Your son’s efforts on the “residence” front definitely were appreciated, but the academics and/or other aspects were just not working out.</p>
<p>Is this what they mean by “the old college try”? Kudos to your son for his compassion and dedication.</p>
<p>OP – Your son should be commended – and you should be commended for raising such a fine young man. His kindness and empathy to this student is worth more than any SAT score in the world.</p>
<p>I too have tears in my eyes reading about your wonderful son. As a speech pathologist who deals with aspies all the time, I must tell you that those of us who are “neurotypical” have no idea how subtle the social rules are, and how brave these students are to attempt to follow them! I still remember a conversation with my daughter about lunch, where she was discussing how an aspie kid they had “adopted” was bugging them and what should she do. As an example for those of you who are unfamiliar, these are the “rules of potato chips at her table.”<br>
<p>That is only three kids. There are eight at the table, all with different rules. If you had to be told these rules not to violate them, how tired and inappropriate would YOU be?? </p>
<p>My suggestion as your son becomes more friendly with him is to try to figure out three other things: how to calm him when he gets agitated (most aspies have triggers that make them loose control, which can be VERY socially damaging); how to subtly signal him if he is over the line with someone (e.g. if I scratch my head, be quiet); and how and when to share his issue so others can help him. It might be an extreme kindness if the student is comfortable to talk to the parent - they would be INCREDIBLY relieved to know your son is so on the ball, and might have some very valuable suggestions for him to head off issues. </p>
<p>I hope you are spending the day patting yourself on the back - your son should be cloned!</p>
<p>Post above was written before seeing the one about him transferring out. Your son has learned so much by this experience, and it will likely come up again for him and others. I too hope other kids who have aspies on their floor read it, and understand a little bit more about what aspies have to teach us all, and reach out to them a bit more. </p>
<p>I understand your advice to your son, but perhaps one call to the parent would be helpful to tell them the good things? They can then remind him!</p>
<p>This is a genuine question and I hope it isn’t taken otherwise, but can Aspergers be resolved through therapy or some kind of social training? Went to a business dinner last night and had someone seated at my table who clearly had Aspergers, given the things described here. It was the most awkward night and frankly a waste of time for everyone else at the table to have to deal. I don’t understand how a 35+ year old man doesn’t understand that they can’t ask a woman out on a date three times in one evening when she obviously isn’t interested, can’t ask her if she does drugs, can’t ask if she has any interest in starting a business and when she says no, a half hour later ask ‘so you’re still not interested in starting a business’ and never senses anyone else’s discomfort as a signal to stop talking. I realize that people with this syndrome need to be taught how to act, but can’t that be done by parents from birth through age 18? I’m not clear on why this is an issue at college, for RAs etc. I also don’t understand how one can act this way and stay employed, except in certain very academic professions where academic knowledge trumps everything else – he was in a financial field where the ability to hold a room matters as much as your intelligence.</p>
<p>I’m do not know a lot about this subject, from what I have heard, someone with Asperser’s can be taught social skills that come naturally to most, especially when caught young. I think it is possible that someone 35+ may not know they have the condition, as I do not think it was widely known of 20+ years ago. I also think you would be surprised to learn of some of the famous people who have or had Aspersers. I once heard a Doctor name a very famous and accomplished person as having it, but I do not want to repeat it, as I believe it was conjecture. But, I do believe many contributors to society have had it.</p>