<p>I hope this will be informative one for me.
The situation is that my S is an RA and has been told by the RD in confidence that one resident has Aspergers. No problem as my S takes everyone in stride but now he is wanting to know how to help this resident. It something that I know nothing about hence my post.
Apparently this resident is very very nice but lacks a knowledge of social cues, example is that the other day the person was talking to someone of the opposite sex in the hall and followed them in to the restroom to continue the conversation. Needless to say this caused a problem. When approached by my S about this the resident told him that he didn't realize it was wrong he just thought they were having a conversation.
My S has done a lot of reading but with school work, RA work and other things has found it hard to get time to read everything. My S wants to know if there is anything he can do to help the resident, knowing my S he will try to help as much as possible and then some. I know there are many posts here about aspergers and my question is this. Does this sound like a legitimate symptom and if so does anyone have any advice I can pass on for my S to help him help or even deal with the resident. The RD handles most instances but my S has and will get caught in some of it. Thanks in advance.</p>
<p>Needsome -</p>
<p>Congrats on your son - he sounds like a sweet kid.</p>
<p>My D is an RA and her older brother (by 14 months) is mildly Aspie. We took him out of district after 9th grade and he attended a program geared to Aspies so we have a lot of first hand knowledge.</p>
<p>First, if this boy is actually away at college, he is obviously very bright and probably has better social skills than many other Aspies. I couldn’t send my son away even though he’s more than bright enough. I would suggest sitting down with the RD and trying to come up with a plan to try to address his issues socially. Maybe one of the kids on the floor is studying sped or psych and might be willing to mentor this kid or at least invite him to a floor activity. The RD should talk to the school and see if there are any programs for him or if a social skills tutor is available. If the school offers sped,psych or similar courses, there might be a student willing to work with him for the experience. If the problems continue, his parents might have to be alerted but not by your S - that is for further up the line.</p>
<p>I can see how following a girl to the bathroom could be scary for her. I can also see how he could be completely oblivious to that. When my son was in middle school, he liked a girl and showed it by tossing tennis balls at her head at summer camp to get her attention. I finally had to teach him about concussions to get him to stop!</p>
<p>Good luck to your son and this young man.</p>
<p>Sounds like your son did the right thing (I think) instinctively by chatting with this young man and pointing out that this behavior was distressing to the girl. With my kid, who is borderline Aspie, I have to remember that social cues and situations that are obvious to me are not to her. We often “debrief” after a social situation where I tell her what I think the other person was thinking, and we talk about how that could have changed her interaction if she had known that. Some people have trouble with math concepts… my kid has trouble with social concepts. She just needs a very clear explanation of why something didn’t work out the way she thought it would (or why she is bothering someone else when she doesn’t even know it). Much more clear than others her age would need.</p>
<p>I think your son will be doing this boy a big favor if he watches for situations, and takes him aside to help him see if he is doing something inappropriate.</p>
<p>The other question is whether this boy has told his roommate(s). It could make it easier to deal with roommate issues if they arise. But it is not your son’s information to share. However… if he hears that there is friction in the room, he might want to approach the young man with Aspergers and suggest that he share that info with his roommate, so his roommate can more easily understand some of the behaviors that could be causing issues.</p>
<p>You might want to see if you can repost with a title that telegraphs what the issue is … “need some info” is entirely too bland and many people won’t open it, but there are a lot of people on cc who have experience with Aspergers and would respond better to a title like “Son is RA to a student with Aspergers – any advice on handling”? Just a thought.</p>
<p>Thank you for the comments, Pizzagirl you are right I thought of that as soon I posted it and someone had read it so I could not get back in. I will try to contact a medrator and ask if they could change it.</p>
<p>The OASIS Guide to Aspergers (authors Bashe and Kirby) is a great book for starting to understand and work with Aspie students. Your son’s college library will probably have a copy, especially if the school has an education program.</p>
<p>Thank you to the moderators for changing the subject line for me.
Intparent, The resident has a private room and I was talking to my S late last night only to find that he (my S) went down to his room and invited him to come skating with him and a few other residents. Apparently he was so excited that he was the first one out the door. My S is an excellent skater and this boy had never put on a pair of skates so my S became his teacher for the evening. the other residents saw his enthusiasm and joined in helping him skate so maybe just being included will help. When they were finished they all went out for coffee and hot chocolate and my S said that he made sure the resident was close by and my S would interject if things seemed to be getting tense. My S had been reading that this resident may need to have guided friendship so took it upon himself to try it. Any other information I can get from parents here would be greatly appreciated. Knowing my S I think this will be year long goal of his to make this resident enjoy the school year socially as well as academically. The RD was also there as support but let my S lead the way. As you can tell I am rather proud of my S.</p>
<p>Your son sounds like a keeper. :)</p>
<p>Wonderful! I hope that the college recognizes him for this extra effort.</p>
<p>You certainly raised a very good son, and this young man is very, very lucky. I do think that encouraging him to share a little about his awkwardness with social interactions with some of the nearby floormates would be very helpful. I can understand the young woman being totally creeped out, and sharing that creeped out experience with a lot of other people. In some ways, it is as if kids with Aspergers come here from a different culture, with different rules. They need to learn more about living in the culture of the dorm and school, and the other kids might be even more helpful if they understood this situation a bit better.</p>
<p>A few tips:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>If personal hygiene is an issue, it would be a kindness to tell him.</p></li>
<li><p>If your son doesn’t see him leave his room, check on him.</p></li>
<li><p>If he sees the inside of his room and it is much more of a mess than that of the other students, offer to help him get organized…or ask him to involve a mentor, the Disabilities Office, etc. </p></li>
<li><p>If there are any group/floor activities, your son should not only invite him, but should try to convince him to come along. If the activity involves anything sports related (e.g. softball, bowling), tell him he can come along and not actually play if he doesn’t want to. (I’m impressed that he was willing to try to skate.)</p></li>
</ol>
<p>It is fabulous that your son is interested in trying to help the resident. My eyes are filled with tears as I write this. It would have been so nice if my son’s RA (who was right across the hall, by design) had paid a tiny speck of attention to him.</p>
<p>My 14 yo son is borderline Aspie, not enough to require an IEP, but certainly enough to cause tremendous social issues and invite bullying in school. One of the common characteristics of this syndrome is the inability to read body language accurately. So that girl backing away or ducking into the bathroom just didn’t register with this kid. What he needs is specific, rational, non-emotional explanations. He also needs rules. Most Aspies really respect rules, as long as they make sense. </p>
<p>So in the case you cited, your son could say: “Only girls and women can go into the ladies’ room.” Or if it was a coed bathroom, your son could say: “When someone goes into the bathroom (or their dorm room), it means they want you to stop talking to them.”</p>
<p>Your son will need to think of the reasons behind behaviors that typical people take for granted and explain them to the boy, almost as if he is from another planet and wants to understand earth behavior. Thinking of it this way has been really helpful to my family.</p>
<p>Your son may also want to advise any other student who complains about this boy’s behavior to simply tell him with words (rather than using other social cues) what they want: “I’m tired of hearing about Napoleon’s battle tactics. I’m going to go to my room alone to study.” This will help smooth the boy’s path and prevent conflict in the dorm.</p>
<p>My nephew has a lot of social issues related to an axiety disorder, and I just wanted to let you know how touched I was to read about your son’s efforts to help this boy. You must be very proud of him.</p>
<p>You have raised a wonderful son. The school may have a resource center that the student may find helpful if he is not aware of it. Many schools have this type of center for ADHD students, so may also have resources for students with Asperger’s on campus.</p>
<p>Congrats to your son for wanting to understand. I also like all of the info given to you to pass on about being direct, and continuing to “teach”. Just make sure your son understands that he may have to repeat the education a few times. And also important is that many, if not most aspie diagnosed do not filter their communication. Especially when stressed. So the student may say very inappropriate things, and it is OK for your son to tell him it is inappropriate and why. But not to take the statements personally. </p>
<p>Have you seen the show Alpha’s? My son went to school with a students much like Gary (without the super power), but very smart. Also, very lacking in social skills. Interestingly enough, the team on there is learning how to deal with Gary’s aspie type behavior and he is learning about social cues. It is on SyFy, and an interesting show. Gary is my favorite character, BTW.</p>
<p>Yes I am very proud of my S. I am compiling all of these posts and will send them to him. I feel so so bad that I am ignorant of this condition. The common theme if I read these correctly is that my S should be direct but with explanation as to why a certain behavior is inappropriate. Guiding him with reason rather just telling him. My S has a floor activity planned every second weekend and has choralled a few other residents to get people involved including this boy. He has said that everybody likes this boy with Aspergers but since no one knows or understands they feel creeped out by him. My S leaves his dorm room door open of course When he is there and has told all of his residents that he would welcome a good morning and or a good evening from everyone as they walk by. It is his way keeping an eye on everyone without really keeping an eye on them. He also has a resident with severe diabetes and has had this resident sleep in his room because of an insolin reaction that the resident refused to go to the hospital for. My S slept in his chair just to keep an eye on this student. My S has commented jokeingly that they are not going to lose a student on his watch. My S is also very attuned to peoples moods so I will pass on that under stressful situations this boy may be reacting at a different level than most but it is all OK. Thanks again everyone</p>
<p>Oh, how I hope my aspergirl gets an RA like your son if/when she goes to college! If movie night is an option for your son’s dorm, and his Aspy resident approves this (very important!), I’d recommend showing the film “Adam,” which has a main character with rather severe Asperger’s. Another good film is the HBO Temple Grandin documentary, which depicts many of the challenges she had as an autistic student, including interacting with roommates. It’s also very uplifting! The instructional and emotional power of film is huge. For some people, seeing a situation – even if it only dramatized – provides greater impact and understanding than reading about it.</p>
<p>If time is short, there’s a very funny short, satirical video on the internet. Search for “Asperger’s High.” We saw it recommended on an Asperger’s blog a few months ago. My daughter enjoyed it very much. Sometimes it can be a relief to laugh at an exaggerated version of oneself.</p>
<p>I too am touched and impressed by your son’s desire to help and do right by this boy. I’m also concerned that the student was put into a situation with perhaps inadequate preparation, and I think that there is some obligation on the part of the college to help the boy AND your son. </p>
<p>How much burden should really fall to your son if the student has a meltdown? Oversteps his bounds before someone can advise him? Etc. Don’t misunderstand, I’m a huge fan of inclusion, but heck, your son could even make a mistake and tell the boy something incorrectly and make things worse (I’m a pessimist, sorry).</p>
<p>I don’t know, I guess all I’m thinking is that your son shouldn’t have to navigate this himself. Hopefully the RD and/or housing people will step up.</p>
<p>Why should you feel bad that you don’t know anything about this? I wouldn’t expect myself to know much about conditions that no one in my immediate circle of family / friends have. I do think your son’s concerns are extremely laudable, but I also think it’s unfair to an RA to have to puzzle this out on his / her own, and I hope that the school provides such training or has a resource for him to take advantage of.</p>
<p>alynor: unfortunately movie nights are not really popular on campus so that wont happen but I will give him the “Asperger’s High” to search for and so will I.</p>
<p>sujormik: thank for the concern for my S. The RD is heavily involved and told my S that he will handle any complaint made about this boy and that my S will only handle things he sees. When they went skating the RD came along as part of the team and watched my S interact but still said that he did not want my S handling serious situations. The college has been phenomenal as they had the health official sit down with my S privately during training week and gave him some special information and that is why my S is so geared up for this challenge. They offered any support, emotional and otherwise that my S needs. My S is a junior and the Aspergers boy is a sophomore. The counseling dept has given my S their on call emergency number should he ever need it for himself or for this boy. The RD meets once a week with my S alone plus the weekly team meetings to make sure all is OK. I think one of the big things is that my S spent 3 years as a leader at summer camp for emotionally and physically challenged teens. This is his first encounter with Aspergers though
We are keeping a very close watch on our S though since we know his signs of stress and will be keeping him focused on himself as well.</p>