<p>It is my guess that the student disclosed to someone, signed a waiver, and trusted that the RA would maintain confidentiality. It takes courage for a student to do so, and OP’s son did exactly what he needed to do and what (imho) would be necessary for any instruction that had taken pace in therapy to generalize to the real world. I bet many parents of AS college students wish he could be cloned!</p>
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<p>But that’s what people do in college - they ask others on the hall if they want to do something together, be it heading to the cafeteria or the football game or skating or making a run to Walgreen’s or going into the city. I certainly hope that regardless of whether you weren’t personally thrilled, you understood enough about the rules of social behavior that if / when you said no, you thanked them politely with a smile, as opposed to a scowl.</p>
<p>A quick update. The boy has transferred out, talking to my S now that he is home I found out the boy DID want the RD and the RA to know and both the student and his parents met with the RD, RA and staff to talk about it. Thanks</p>
<p>All I can say is THANK YOU for starting this thread. As the father of an Asp. child who is looking to go to a community college this next year, my heart went out to your son. My son is best when he feels HEARD and included. The post about skating made me almost laugh out loud because when my S is in a group, and they are about to do something, we’ve found him out waiting in the car he’s so excited about going - people didn’t realize where he was!! S enjoys talking - at times ALOT - and as I said, does best when he knows people are listening to him. So many children with Asp. do not tend to speak up, talk a lot because they invariably feel like no one really listens to them/values what they have to say.</p>
<p>We got his Sr. pictures today though and my DW and I sat and really feel blessed that we have the son we have - he’s amazing.</p>
<p>Interesting thread. It’s great that the son/RA was so compassionate.</p>
<p>As an aside, I’m so very impressed that a student RA communicates so much with parents. And even asks for advise.</p>
<p>Julliett, it is very interesting and a good reminder to hear your perspective on this as an RD. After reading this thread, I think if I were to have a student with asperger’s (or another issue) and I wanted to maximize the possibility of success, I would
- Meet with the disabilities coordinator with my son at orientation or before. I would make an appt for after school began, perhaps a week in, and put it on the calendar. that way, the interaction has begin. I would try to be as quiet as possible in the meeting, but stay with my son.<br>
- I would contact the RD directly with my son’s permission, and ask if he can hand pick my RA as someone who has a strength in facilitiating community. Every RA is different, and an RD worth his salt will know their strengths.<br>
- I would suggest a private and confidential portrait be created by the student. Ideas would be "these are my interests and passions, these are my biggest challeneges, these are my strategies to relax, these are my preferred styles of interaction.) He might not ever share this with ANYONE, but just writing it out makes the information more accessible in his brain. When he needed to talk more to someone, he would have already rehearsed what he might say. If he decided to share the portrait with a professor, a roommate, an RA, etc he would have the info at the ready. Yes, RAs are students, and they shouldn’t have the responsibilty to heavily monitor everyone on their floor, but arent’ they chosen for their ability to be inclusive, assist in conflict resolution, and smooth the waters for everyone? what is your insider’s perspective on this, Julliett? Anything else you would suggest?</p>
<p>Likely my last post on this thread</p>
<p>Had a very serious talk with my S yesterday before he left to go back to college. Many things mentioned in this thread had me concerned.
- The Aspergers student and his parents met wih my S, the RD and college support staff privately while my S was down for the 10 days of training prior to school starting. The parents and student did not want my S or the RD to not know and therefore cause more problems on the floor. ( thoughtful parents)
- they released some information to my S and the RD so that they could assist where possible. All major accademic or issues not pertaining to the floor were handled by the college staff.
- parents and Councillors offered my S and RD any support they needed
- RD and my S knew the sensitivity and confedentiality of the situation and worked together (hence Private meetings)
- the RD and my S were told that they were hand picked because of their background.
- The student has transfered for personal family reasons and not because of the college or anything that happened.
- my S and the RD stayed an extra day to meet and talk to parents (parents request) before they moved him out. We thought he was late coming home because he was on RA call so I did not know this until yesterday.
- Student and Parents were very grateful and wished they had done this last year (his Freshman year).</p>
<p>On a side note
one poster commented that they hoped my S would be reconginized for the extra effort, in my S opinion he was honored to be chosen and asked if he would do it. </p>
<p>From my side – I am very proud of my S and now more than ever realize the value for him to be an RA. In honesty his being an RA is costing us money because FA and scholarships were reduced by the same amount as he was getting in RA benefits. When he went down for training they had no meal plan available but they offered lunch each day so we had to pay for 2 meals a day for 10 days. </p>
<p>Would I change anything that has happened-- not on your life, my S has learnt so much (so have I). The only thnig I would change is that I waited so long to start this thread, not that it would have changed the outcome but my S would have had so much more to base himself on thanks to all of the comments here.</p>
<p>I will now be watching this thread from my real user name . I wanted to let all know that your comments and ideas have been priceless and I hope others have learned half as much as I have. </p>
<p>Needsomeinfo---- Got the info and so much more, respect for the aspergers person, love and respect for my S that is beyond what I could have expected. THANKS EVERYONE</p>
<p>Thank you for letting us know the outcome. Kudos to you and your son.</p>
<p>Sorry to bring this back up but this situation has gone from bad to absolutely horrible. My S called this morning very distraught as he received a personal phone call this morning from the boys parents. The boy died last Friday in a car accident. Apparently my S’s name was talked about a lot by the boy so they notified him about the accident. The funeral is on Wednesday and my S wants to go but is nervous driving by himself being as upset as he is. I am leaving this afternoon for a 2 hour drive to pick my S up then in the morning we will drive the 7 hours, stay overnight then attend the funeral and drive right back. My S is devistated by this news, my S told me that this is the first FRIEND he has had pass away. I am so glad that he sees this boy as his friend not just a resident. This boy has touched my S’s life in ways I never expected. It is going to be a trying next few days as I have never met the family but I do not want my S to be the next casualty which is why I am driving. I have told my S that if the RD would like to go H is welcome to travel with us and he thinks he might. I am definetly praying for this family.</p>
<p>Oh, how awful! I am so so sorry. Needsomeinfo, you are a very wise parent not letting your son drive. I would do exactly the same thing that you are doing regarding the driving.</p>
<p>needsomeinfo, how terrible! It makes me feel ill for that family. You are doing exactly what I would have suggested - doing a ride along. </p>
<p>I am a big believer in showing up for funerals - I always feel like any discomfort I feel drastically pales in comparison to what the family is going through. It will be hard on your son but he will be a better person for it. As horrible as it is, your son should feel very gratified that he made a positive impression on this young man.</p>
<p>I don’t know if you are religious, but I believe that God knows the number of our days and that once our purpose in life has been fullfilled, any extra days we have are just a bonus. Perhaps this young man’s purpose was making an impression on your son, that he will use for great good in the future. My prayers will be with you all.</p>
<p>I am so sorry. What a tragedy. Your son is so kind and compassionate. I’m sure the family will be very comforted by your son attending. My condolences to both families.</p>
<p>I am so sorry to hear this.</p>
<p>needsomeinfo,
I am so sorry for that young man’s family and for your son. Know that the young man’s parents will always be grateful that their son had a friend who cared and who made a big difference in his life.</p>
<p>Your son will be changed forever. In good ways. Many, many hugs.</p>
<p>Oh, my. Your son truely stepped up to the plate for this boy, and made a positive impression and connection that many probably thought was not even possible. I am so happy that he will be at the funeral, as someone else said, it will mean much to his parents. And long term it will mean much to him too. Thanks for sharing!</p>
<p>So sorry to hear this.</p>
<p>You should be proud of the young man you raised. Despite what was said upthread, your son’s attempts to reach out were absolutely the right thing to do. Best of wishes to your son and to this young man’s family in their grief.</p>
<p>needsomeinfo – I have been following this thread and am so very, very sorry to read of the loss of this young man. My heart breaks for his parents and all who loved and befriended him.</p>
<p>As a parent of a child with Asperger’s, I have been so touched to read about how your son reached out to this student. One poster’s comments were that not everyone with ASD wants to be “helped”. Many people on the spectrum, though, want very much to be around others, to be included, and to get along. This is where I think people with ASD must make their desires known. “I don’t like it when people ask me to go out with them, and I want to be left alone when I’m in my room” is a valid perspective and one that should be honored. My son’s perspective, however, (and he has told us this) is, “I like it when people include me in what they are doing, and I want people to try to make friends with me.” I know plenty of parents of children on the spectrum who say that their children want to be included and want friendships. Not all people with Asperger’s have the same perspective.</p>
<p>This young man responded eagerly to your son’s friendship, so it’s fair to assume that he very much wanted that kind of social interaction. Every day I hope that when my son goes to college, he will have someone as kind and caring as your son to help him through the difficult times. (Also, your son is the kind of young man that I would love for my daughter to meet.)</p>
<p>Even in this tragic situation, I pray that your son knows that he made a difference in a person’s life. I believe that he will go on to make a difference in many more lives as well.</p>
<p>So well said, Marsian. </p>
<p>The only thing I would add is you are clearly an AMAZING Mom - the apple has clearly landed right next to the tree. As someone who has spent 25 years of my life supporting kids with special needs, especially autism and aspergers, I can’t tell you how much I honor your son’s commitment to this boy, and the skills with which you have raised him. </p>
<p>If I could wave a magic wand, the University would make him a part of their disabilities department - he has a gift.</p>
<p>What terrible news. I’m so sorry. Good for your son for wanting to show his support for the young man’s family, and good for you for helping him do that.</p>
<p>I’m so sorry to hear the sad news. I agree with other posters that you and your son are very special people.</p>