Spooked parent

<p>My niece just finished her freshman year. She wanted to go to parties with her new friends, but did not want to drink alcohol. To keep people at the party from constantly asking her if she wanted a beer, she would take a can of cream soda with her in her purse, pour that in a beer cup and sip on that during the night. It looked enough like beer that no one pestered her about needing a drink. She claimed it worked like a charm :)</p>

<p>My D ended up finding her niche with older kids who were a little past the newness of all that. Unfortunately she was on the freshman campus, so it was a little harder to meet those kids at first. And there was definitely drinking on this freshman campus. The school did offer a “healthy living” dorm, but my D had a different priority. She just finished her freshman year and I overheard her say some kids still can’t wrap their head around the idea that she hasn’t started drinking…yet…(she plans to wait until she is “of age”).</p>

<p>I had a really similar experience at my school’s orientation, but I wouldn’t be too concerned about it. I had a lot of friends who didn’t drink, or only did so very occasionally. There are plenty of people like this pretty much anywhere, but they’re typically more quiet during orientation when everybody is talking about how excited they are to be doing the things they think college students do.</p>

<p>Regarding substance free dorms, I wouldn’t do it unless you know someone from the campus who can tell you about their reputation. On some campuses, they really can be communities for like-minded individuals, but other places, the students are there because they’ve had problems before/their parents are trying to prevent them from doing certain things/they want a quiet dorm to come back to after they party. Also, there can be a sort of stigma to being a substance free student, and a friend’s boyfriend once bragged about egging their dorm because, who better to pick on than the substance free kids? Immature, certainly, but something to look out for.</p>

<p>JDA - nice coping skills your niece has, she’ll go far I’m sure.</p>

<p>A couple more pieces of advice from a non-partier (and I’m addressing this directly to your D):</p>

<p>1) Get involved with student organizations - particularly cultural or religious ones that often create something of a social life apart from the party scene.</p>

<p>2) Don’t make the mistake of automatically dismissing everyone whose lifestyle isn’t like yours. Someone who might not be your type in one context might be very bright, sensitive, and fun to be around in another.</p>

<p>3) Know yourself. I never liked big parties with a lot of anonymous people and loud music, so I didn’t go to them. Yes, this meant that I was sometimes alone on a Saturday night - or, more often, that I hung out with friends for the earlier part of the evening and then went back to my room at 12 or 1 when others were heading for clubs and parties. However, (although I don’t see anything in your post to indicate that this is the case) also don’t be so judgmental and cowed that you can’t tolerate being at, say, a relatively low-key gathering of friends in which alcohol may be served. </p>

<p>Enjoy college!</p>

<p>Has your D never seen TV, that’s what college kids do. Obviously not your D though, and there will be PLENTY of others just like her. Relax. it’s not like they will be doing drugs and getting laid in class, it will happen outside of class. If she doesn’t want to see it she can leave the party… or better yet, don’t go to the party, simple as that.</p>

<p>My d filled out a housing questionnaire; topics broached included neatness, smoking, drinking, and overnight guests. Roommates can be requested or can be assigned potluck. She and her two roommates-to-be had similar views. I would think that such questionnaires would be the norm for housing at other colleges, so that potluck might not be quite so random.</p>

<p>My son opted for a substance free dorm for his freshman year. It turned out to be the best decision he could have made. At his school (top tier LAC) he was pretty dismayed by the excessive drinking. The sub-free dorm was a haven from all of that, and he made many very, very close friends there. Some of whom he’ll be living with his sophomore year.</p>

<p>But, yeah, the incredible amount of drinking and profanity outside of his dorm did leave him feeling a bit disgusted.</p>

<p>But he has his niche and his circle of friends now. All is good.</p>

<p>After S was halfway through 1st year at huge state U he called one day and said: “I’ve figured it out, Dad, college is just a business. If they wanted to, they could kick half the freshmen out but they don’t.” I asked him why and he just laughed and said there was a party every night somewhere in his “Substance Free” dorm…</p>

<p>But that said, finding a her place and making decisions on friends and activities is a big part of the growing she’ll do at college. Trust her to make the right ones. I’m sure she will.</p>

<p>My D had the same experience and I would get lots of phone calls especially on the weekends that she was alone because she didn’t feel like getting trashed (starting on Thursdays). The ones who like to party bond over alcohol so they have an instant community at college, but independent types like my D have a harder time finding their niche. However, she did find one in her second semester and was very happy with her group of friends, whereas the partyers were starting to fall apart. Tell your D not to worry, that she will find others like her. </p>

<p>One thing my D said about the substance free dorms— that those kids tended to be somewhat militant in their stance about alcohol/drugs. She couldn’t relate to that either. She is a friendly, social person who doesn’t mind having a drink or two, just doesn’t want to drink on a mission.</p>

<p>This can be hard to do, because one has to be kind of brave, but what if when the new students get together and start to brag about beer pong and whatever, your daughter says “I’m really looking forward to joining the dance group/singing in the acappella group/staying up late playing poker/doing improv/going out for coffee at midnight without my parents getting on my case/something else she enjoys that doesn’t involve binge drinking.” Because chances are there are some other students listening to the braggarts, and wondering if they have to say they’re going to do all this drinking, just to fit in. Your daughter could be the one that shows there are other social norms than binge drinking.</p>

<p>Does your daughter know anyone who is going to her university who shares her lifestyle preferences? It can help to know in advance that there’s at least one kindred spirit with whom you can go to a movie or campus event when it seems that all around you are devoting all their free time to getting drunk.</p>

<p>My son didn’t drink for the first three years of college because he was taking a medication that’s incompatible with alcohol. He had no difficulty finding friends. His approach was to go to parties but not drink. It may have also helped that he spent his first year in a special-interest dorm that was full of computer geeks (which is also his area of interest). This group tends not to be among the wildest on campus. They also tend to spend huge amounts of time playing video games together, which provides an alternative activity. </p>

<p>My daughter is now in college and doesn’t drink (out of preference). She is an atheist, which means that one of the best routes to finding friends with tame lifestyles – joining campus religious organizations – was not open to her. Nevertheless, she has had no difficulty finding friends whose lives don’t revolve around alcohol (although not all of them are complete abstainers). She doesn’t go to parties because she doesn’t enjoy being the only sober person in the room, but she has managed to find plenty of things to do anyway and has developed a nice circle of friends. I must admit, though, that it helped that a high school friend of hers, who also didn’t drink, ended up at the same college. They developed a group of like-minded friends around them – particularly around her friend, who is a very social person.</p>

<p>Keep in mind that the overall tone of the college experience of your D will depend a lot on what she does in that first half of her freshman year. There are activities at almost every school that attract more focused and goal oriented students and less of the “adrift” freshmen who are having to adjust to being without immediate and constant parental supervision.</p>

<p>I’ll speculate that the fact that your daughter is comfortable mentioning her orientation experience to you indicates she has already decided at some level how she wants to behave at college. I’d suggest talking about that and how she can maintain that commitment.</p>

<p>My S is a rising Junior. He chose not do a substance free dorm for the reasons mentioned (they can have a concentration of people whose parents have decreed that their student --with substance problems,or predelictions or with parents who can’t let go–live there). It worked for him. He met a wide variety of people in the freshmen dorms and has mentioned that was an experience that helped him realize very quickly what he wanted to do and needed to do to avoid stumbling his freshman year. </p>

<p>BTW-- I had discussed “freshman year” with him in detail well in advance. He knew that for many (including his mother and I) it was an adjustment if for no other reason than the shock of it being more difficult scholastically than HS. I mentioned that the few kids who “nail” the level of grades they want to achieve in their freshman year have a much easier time the remainder of college.</p>

<p>IMO–this freshman challenge is part of the process of maturing because the values the student really has now require the student to seek out others with the same values while living in a “world” with many who don’t have those values. </p>

<p>To me, using my S’s HS friends as the"test cases," it seems the kids who made a successful adjustment in college with fewer problems were those who in HS maintained a course of reasonable conduct in spite of having the opportunity to go a different route.</p>

<p>O7Dad – great points. I will have that talk with my s. He made good choices in HS and has learned to select great friends. I hope that continues in college.</p>

<p>My s attended orientation, looked around and decided “this is not for me.” He came home, contacted another school that had accepted him, had his scholarships reinstated. secured a dorm, signed up for orientation and text messaged me that everything was handled and that he was very happy. </p>

<p>I, too, am surprised that OP’s daughter’s surprise that some college students party. Maybe something else is concerning her?</p>

<p>pastasauce,
This is all normal! Many kids will say things because they think that is the ‘cool’ thing to do. Many kids will also act out what they say…and that is normal too! If your daughter is not into the alcohol and all, that is fine. She will a nice group of friends that she has much in common with and they can do their own thing. As it is a shock to both of you, it most likely will be all year with all the new things she will be hearing and learning and exposed too. College isn’t all about academic experience, it is a lot of social experience as well. Your daughter will learn and grow (as you already know and want her to do) so much throughout this next year and next four (or so) years!
This is where you need to have faith that all you have done will settle in with her and she will make the best decisions. </p>

<p>Oh, and word to the wise, even if the dorms are designated as “alcohol free”…college kids can sqeeze alcohol anywhere they want! What is the saying, “Where there is a will there is a way!!!”</p>

<p>Enjoy the roller coaster of the next year! You will all experience many high’s and low’s!!
Good luck!</p>

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<p>If we can keep drugs out of the country and out of our prisons, why can’t we keep them out of dorm rooms? :D</p>

<p>Not sure if we are keeping drugs out of prisons or out of this country.</p>

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<p>They can’t even keep cell phones out of the prisons around here.</p>

<p>Ditto above! Not sure they are keeping any of that stuff out of prisons and definitely not out of the country! Same goes for college students and alcohol!!!</p>

<p>Oh my, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. That said, growing up is about learning how to make good choices…some people never grow up and some do. I can’t “worry” about alcohol, pot, and all that stuff out in the big, bad world. I can only worry that we didn’t do a good enough job laying the foundation for our kids to be able to make good choices. I use the word “good” loosely because personally I don’t think this is a black or white issue and the kids are also smart enough to comprehend that.</p>