<p>Batllo, may I ask whether that’s your own experience, your kids’ experience, at what kind of school, etc.? Thanks if you can share any extra info. By the way, I like that basic attitude of leaving well enough alone if no problems emerge.</p>
<p>I really want to stress how accurate post #60 can be.</p>
<p>The obvious indicator lots of parents use to guage “how things are going” are grades. But, fine grades can mask other conduct and even problems. </p>
<p>It seems to me (and I can relate) that the extroverts can really struggle to find their feet that first half year of college. I have noticed that the slightly introverted freshmen seem to take a little time to get the lay of the land and seem to not jump as readily into the “I’m free, so I’ll do as I please” trap.</p>
<p>I noticed that my S wanted to go from having a roommate his freshman year to a single dorm room his soph year to his own apartment next year. I asked if the friends he had chosen to live around his soph year in the dorms were getting apartments. He said only a few (you have to have Senior status to live off campus, i.e. place out of a year --for housing purposes–with APs). He also has several good friends who are actual seniors. </p>
<p>He volunteered that there was no way he’d live with any of the people he’d consider living with. I smiled because I felt I understood where he was coming from. Some call it tolerance, but he and I have discussed that people who are doing thngs they are really proud of tend to want to be around others who are doing (and feeling) the same. </p>
<p>So, he has some “friends” who share a common interest in certain things, but are not people he wants to have a close association and contact with. I’ve met the group he hangs with, travels with and shares with and they seem to be in sync on most of the life choice issues.</p>
<p>based on what my s reports, honors dorms CAN be a bit quieter and the kids tend to be more ambitious and focused. But there’s still a whole lot of drinking going on.
I think it’s discouraging how most colleges seem to have an alcohol-soaked culture. Kids are led to believe that binge drinking is normal behavior…not by the college…but by the actions of their peers. It’s certainly possible to avoid this scene but I think it can be hard…and especially hard at certain schools.
Based on what I’ve seen, not everyone who parties hard flunks out. Some do. But some continue to party and keep those grades up. Certain schools are proud of this reputation (work hard, play hard).
I really can’t wait for my s to get out of this environment. It’s in many ways toxic. But it is what it is. The best you can do is raise your kids with good values and hope that they show some good sense. IMO, once they’re off to college there’s little you can do to control or even influence this behavior. At least that’s what I see.</p>
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<p>It isn’t just colleges that have an alcohol-soaked culture. 
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<p>But I agree that you raise your kids with good values and hope that they show some good sense. Actually, college is sort of like a test to see how much of what you taught “stuck.”</p>
<p>My kids are both bookish and actually loving their school which has a storied reputation for partying. Their idea of partying runs very tame compared to the “animal house” version–for D, it is having lot of good food & watching “So you think you can dance,” which is what she & her friends do over the summer. For S, it is playing video/computer games with friends, some study groups, and some eating. </p>
<p>It is likely there was a lot of showing off for Orientation and your kids shouldn’t be too daunted. Especially in large Us, there are LOTS of kids & many different groups on campus. Your child will not be forced to participate in any of these things and as has been said, many of the “heavy partiers” will drop out/flunk out early on.</p>
<p>Good luck, I’m sure your child will find her way & be FINE!</p>
<p>Yes that is what I was eluding to earlier - a test to see how much of what you taught “stuck.” My S1 drank in high school, obviously it was a rough time parenting. I know he still does in college, although he quickly moved off campus for his second year telling us the dorms were too crazy. This year he has moved even farther from campus and his grades continue to rise. My H and I think staying away from campus and away from the dorms at night is his “way” of coping and managing to keep everything in balance. On some wierd level I’m somewhat happy to have gone through all of that with S1 when he was at home. I really wonder how S2 will fair. He and his high school buds do not drink. He has somewhat of an intolerance and attitude about it probably stemming from all the family discourse over his older brother. I really wonder how he will balance and manage when he leaves and I really worry more about him than his older brother for whom the “thrill” was over before he graduated high school. But I think it’s foolish to think that “substance free” means that the substances aren’t readily available. Most of the posters have pretty accurately summed up what the substance free housing is really like. I think more kids probably drink in college than in high school because they can be more “open” about it, but I do know ALL kids don’t drink in college.</p>
<p>I just want to second Garland’s post in #58. It was her posts that helped me when my daughter went through a similar situation. </p>
<p>There are several things I have learned. 1) There is drinking at all schools. 2) Some schools have a drinking culture, where the drinking is the main topic of conversation and recreation. 3) Drinking goes on in the Honors Dorm.</p>
<p>My daughter found her group at her first school, but decided she did not want to stay at a school where she did not fit into the dominant social scene, so transferred out. </p>
<p>At her second school, she joined a sorority and goes to parties- where she still doesn’t drink, but she has found her people.</p>
<p>I believe—no proof, just a belief—that our relaxed attitude toward sex, drugs, and alcohol at home have made our kids less likely to get into trouble. When I say relaxed, I don’t mean we do it in front of them, except for drinking, but rather that we talk about it, openly acknowledge that they themselves may one day decide to try it, the pros and cons, how to be safe, etc.</p>
<p>My wife does the hard part (“Come talk to me if you ever need condoms.”) while I do the easy part (“You want a sip?”). So far we haven’t seen the slightest hint of alcohol or drug abuse. As for sex…well, I just hope not, but I don’t think I’d be able to tell anyway.</p>
<p>For some reason my son’s and his friends’ favorite activity is to cook huge meals together. I think that’s kind of neat. I don’t know if it’s common.</p>
<p>mantori.suzuki-If your children grew up with relaxed attitudes against drugs and alcohol then most likely they will be cool about their and friends’ usage of said substances. Officially, all undergraduate dorms are suppose to be alcohol free because of underage occupants. Realistically, if the students are quiet and respectful when using they won’t get busted by their neighbors.</p>
<p>My kids have told us that they HATE the way Rx make them feel so why would they want to have to PAY for things to make them feel out of control. Both are really into being in control, so they assure me they are no interest in going down that road and I believe them. We’ve always offered them sips, which they honestly say tastes “nasty,” & D still loves ordering blended “virgin” drinks. S makes huge meals for him & his room mate that lasts them until he feels like making another huge meal. I think D & buds will end up doing that next year when she has her buddies living in her apartment.</p>
<p>D says S experimented with drinking when they were on a trip together last summer but doesn’t think S really likes it that much & especially doesn’t like the cost. :)</p>
<p>HImom, that all sounds familiar. My kids even police me when I get a prescription from the doctor. “How much of that are you supposed to be taking? Do you really need it?” I find that reassuring.</p>
<p>Yea, my kids are very careful about compliance with meds–if we’re supposed to take it, we need to take it as prescribed. If it’s just to make us “feel” better, be sure we HAVE TO take it or can take it as we choose.</p>
<p>My kids hate most smells so I don’t worry much about them being around smoke, since it literally makes them ill.</p>
<p>man.suz–I too believe that having aired it out at home with my S concerning drugs and alcohol, along with some acknowledgement of the possible increased risk due to family history, seemed to have a positive effect on the need to push the limits on these two issues early and often.</p>
<p>Unlike drugs and alcohol where you can make an argument for never starting, sex (like food) requires dealing with the reality that it is (probably) not if, but rather when, where and how much and is it safe. It is a conversation that needs to occur over time and well in advance of dropping them off at the dorm the freshman year. </p>
<p>Seems to me that having a student know (at least conceptually) a little about the subject and issues BEFORE college does assist that student in making choices and decisions in college rather than having it all wash over the student along with leaving home, new location, new people, new pressures, etc.</p>
<p>No hard data to back it up, just a couple of years of observations.</p>
<p>FWIW-- I had a friend in college in the 1960s. She absolutely hated smoke. She made brownies. Never underestimate “youth.” BTW–they were FFO, as a remember–well, sorta remember, especially when listening to the train sounds. Never mind.</p>
<p>My quick search tells me that FFO stands for Fisherman’s Factory Outlet, but that can’t be right.</p>
<p>Oh, no --that is right! Great fish.</p>