Not to sound like I am throwing a pity-party, because I am not, but I feel like I am going absolutely insane in comparing myself to my peers. I attend a relatively good public HS which sends a few kids to Ivy’s/top 20’s each year.
I always thought I would be one of those kids, since I am valedictorian and a NMSF, but comparing myself to others I feel totally inadequate. There are kids with nearly the same GPA as me, and they are winning international technology competitions or balancing the responsibility of being the president of 4 clubs (plus a few VP positions).
I have a few leadership positions, but they do not seem as impressive as everyone else’s. I was planning on applying to 6 reach schools, and they are all schools I really love. Now that I am a senior, I am terrified that my peers are going to get in over me. It hurts my feelings too, because it seems like these kids are only applying for the name. They are applying to nearly all of the top 20 schools. For example, one of my peers told me he was applying to Duke, a school I really love, as a safety. I know that Duke is not really a safety for anyone, but I think this illustrates his mindset. He does not know much about the school other than it is well-respected, but it ranks lower than Harvard/Yale.
What makes it worse is that these kids have been so mean to me. They have started rumors about me and are constantly asking me about my test scores and other grades just so they compare themselves to me. It just makes me feel so insignificant and directionless when 6 teachers have offered to write them recommendations, yet I am scrambling to get 2 decent ones. It makes me so angry yet pathetic when I realize these kids have much stronger chances than I.
The competition presented from my peers has made it difficult for me to work on my applications. I cannot even write anything down because it feels like whatever I do write is not good enough for me to get in.
Overall, just how do I cope knowing that my dreams of attending a prestigious university are not likely to come to fruition? I know that these schools do not equal success, but it feels like all of my hard work and aspirations were all for nothing. I feel very honored to have definite, generous offers from certain state schools, but it still feels like it isn’t what I wanted. It hurts knowing that there are these pretentious, prestige-whore people in schools I have always idealized as intellectual havens.
The very first thing you have to realize is that comparing yourself to your peers as competitors ISN’T going to help you whatsoever. The holistic admissions approach at many of the top schools are interested in seeing what kind of person YOU are, not necessarily how you are in comparison to others. So my advice to you is to work on being yourself and not in comparison to others. That’s toxic. It will eat at you. My son, starting in junior year, started avoiding his usual friends because he hated the kind of the “culture” you’re describing. He liked hanging out with authentic people, not those who only did things for the sake of looking themselves good in college applications. He never compared himself to others; he just did his own things and minded his own business. Worked out just fine.
Yeah, you are right that comparing myself to others is unhelpful. But aren’t colleges going to look at me in relation to my peers? And these people have made me realize that there are so many amazing applicants with such talent and accomplishment that it seems impossible not to compare myself.
I know it is hard, but you need to play your own game, not theirs.
To start with, your classmates may look good on paper, but if they are pestering you about your grades/test scores/whatever, they are demonstrating a failure of character. In the long run, character matters more. It is what will keep your jobs for you, earn your promotions, and allow your personal relationships to blossom.
Unless the teachers have specifically told you that they volunteered to write the LOR for a given classmate of yours, ignore anything you hear about that. Line up your LORs, and do your best to ignore the noise.
Go ahead and apply to the places you want to apply to. Make sure that you have a couple of affordable matches, and at least two affordable safeties on your list. Get the safety applications in early so that you can fknow you do have somewhere to go next fall.
And the next time someone asks you about your grades/scores/application list, look them in the eye and say, "I was chatting with my aunt Happy the other day, and she suggested I look into gap year programs. You know, I am feeling a bit burned out and would like some time to focus on my self before I dive into college. What do you think about City Year, or should I work on a foreign language with AFS or YFU? "
Hange in there!
There will always be someone more accomplished, richer, more attractive, etc… True for everyone! As noted above, don’t worry about other people and focus on your application and what you have to offer.
I also want to add to expect rejections if you have reach schools on your list. It doesn’t mean anything about who you are as a person, nor your potential. It just means that school didn’t think you were a good fit for them. Maybe too many of your major, or in your region, or of your gender, or whatever. Again, it’s not personal and don’t take it that way!
Good luck!
“But aren’t colleges going to look at me in relation to my peers? And these people have made me realize that there are so many amazing applicants with such talent and accomplishment that it seems impossible not to compare myself.”
Yes, but that’s only a part of the application reviews. There are quantitative (accomplishments, GPA, test scores, etc.) but also qualitative components (essays, interview, LOR’s, etc.) that the adcoms are going to carefully evaluate you by. There isn’t a thing that you can do about your peers’ quantitative presentations, but you can have a full control over your own qualitative presentations.
Thank you guys for such kind responses! I really appreciate them :). I think I just needed an outside perspective to remind me to be less consumed bt the entire application process.
The idea that 6 teachers are lining up to write letters for some of your classmates sounds like b.s. Don’t tell others your test scores or where you are applying.
Just work on your essays and getting closer with few teachers who will write LORs. Perfect GPAs and test scores don’t guarantee getting into top schools.
Spend more time with friends with different interests than you. If you’re an engineering major and your friend is a music major, you are less likely to feel like you’re competing with each other.
@Groundwork2022
“Spend more time with friends with different interests than you. If you’re an engineering major and your friend is a music major, you are less likely to feel like you’re competing with each other.”
Such good advice. This is what is keeping my D sane. Many of her good buddies are pursuing avenues that are completely different from what she is hoping for. In turn, she is pursuing schools that are out of the norm for her high school. So much pressure is off.