Students who must attend their safeties

<p>So your student has diligently come up with a list of reaches, matches and safeties.</p>

<p>But s/he has that sparkle in the eye for the reaches or matches -- rationally the kid knows s/he might not be accepted to the school of choice, but the dreams and visions are of the choice school and not the back ups.</p>

<p>Now the acceptance letters are in, and the unthinkable has happened - the top choice schools are no longer in play.</p>

<p>How did your kid adjust to the disappointment? How long did it take? What enable the student to move on and (hopefully) "love" the safety?</p>

<p>(I ask as a parent of a rising senior who is very absorbed in pursuing her reach/match schools, and is rather cavalier about her safeties. At this point, she will most likely only visit one of the safeties and intellectually I am dubious that this would be a good match for her. The other two safeties are too far away to visit easily - the reach/match schools are within several hours drive.)</p>

<p>Please repeat the CC mantra: “Love thy safety.”</p>

<p>There are two types of safety: academic and financial. The rule in our household that even if there were favorite schools, every application would be to a school that they would be willing to attend. Both of my children got into every single school they applied to. However, their dream schools were out of reach for our family once the financial information was laid on the table. It is sometimes a fact of life that you can’t always get what you want. One child, a rising junior, is thriving at her not-first pick. The younger one is excited to go to her not-first pick in the fall.</p>

<p>Good for you if you do not need a financial safety, but please, please, please have academic safeties that are acceptable to your student.</p>

<p>Love thy safety</p>

<p>That was quite possibly the first thing I learned at cc. It is a great thing to learn no matter how confident you feel about your school.
We were able to use several resources to find what we hope is the academic/financial safety that S2 will love.</p>

<p>I think it depends on the child. Some people take defeat easier than others and some people are more reasonable than others. Help your daughter understand now that the applications process is not always easy to understand and that many qualified candidates to reach schools are denied for whatever reason. Speak positively about her safeties and be honest with her about finances.</p>

<p>Good luck in this process and hopefully everything will work out for the best.</p>

<p>given the fact that a HUGE majority of kids in this country (not to mention around the globe) never get the chance to access college at all, this whole “reach”, “match”, “safety”, how-do-i-cope handwringing is ridiculous. this is a profoundly bourgeois concern.</p>

<p>Well, it is called “College Confidential,” after all. I mean, what else are we supposed to talk about?</p>

<p>If one is going to expend the time, effort, and money on applying to college, it’s worth asking, “what if I don’t get in where I want to go?” We can tell the disappointed 18 y/o that it’s ridiculous to mind, since the huge majority of 18 y/os worldwide don’t get to go to college. Not sure how effective that will be, though.</p>

<p>fendrock, I don’t really have an idea of how long it should take to process the disappointment of needing to attend a safety school. If the safety schools have been well chosen, there should still be something about them to excite a new freshman. It’s exciting to get to go to college, to have a roommate, to live on your own for the first time, to go to the bookstore for the first time to pick up your textbooks, to meet a hundred new people at orientation, etc. As a parent, I think I’d try to be supportive, not say anything to the kid about their disappointment unless they want to talk about it, and be willing to do any of the college shopping/prep as soon as the kid expresses an interest.</p>

<p>My advice- don’t worry so much about it right now. Just choose the safeties well, be sure they are colleges that will be a good fit for her. Chances are she will not end up at a safety and all will be fine. If she does end up there she will probably be relieved that she ‘got in somewhere’, and eventually she may be pleasantly surprised to find out that she likes it a lot there.</p>

<p>I say this as someone who was there last year, fretting about it exactly as you are fretting now. I wish I hadn’t.</p>

<p>son applied to a number of schools and did very well merit aid wise. his safety was an instate school that he did like (and gave the best merit) UNTIL he fell “in love” with one of his acceptance…then the safety was not what he wanted, didnt like it etc. there was definite disappointment, anger, upset etc when the decision had to be made. as he wants grad school, just couldnt turn down the free ride with stipends, guaranteed research etc for the “in Love” school that could have ended up with 80K to be covered through our own pocket and loans. As he is about to go, school starts in 3 weeks, he seems accepting at least, … the one saving grace is, the safety is a great school for what he wants AND his own personality will save the day… he will make the best of any given opportunity once he gets there. So loving your safety can change along the way, and disappointment i think is reasonable, i would say he showed his disappointment for about 2 months</p>

<p>Feelings can change when acceptances roll in. For students that don’t get into their first choice or that don’t get a package that enables them to attend a first choice, another round of visits after decisions are made can help them see other schools with fresh eyes. Ride out the process and then deal with it once it happens. Being wanted by a school is a good feeling, and another school will probably steal their affection.</p>

<p>As others have said - love thy safety. I really, really bugged S about applying to safeties. </p>

<p>He did so grudgingly, and there was only one he would have considered going to, but would not have been happy about. It was too close to home, a second tier state school, really more of a commuter school. Luckily, it did not come down to that; he’s not going to his first choices, but it was the last choice before the not favored safeties. It was a close thing.</p>

<p>When it is his sisters time, I am definitely going to get them to make better safety choices. Now that I’m am an experienced CCer and all ;)</p>

<p>My d didn’t get into her favorite (highest reach), got in everywhere else. She was considering taking a gap year until I convinced her to visit her safeties (two she had not visited) before deciding. Turns out she loved a safety more than her other reaches and more than her matches. Considered trying for a transfer, but after the first semester was quite happily involved. She doing great!</p>

<p>One part of my rising junior son’s college search I am very happy about: He has two in-state financial/admission safeties, both schools that are all right with MidwestDad2Kids_ and me. (Hope DS does not change his mind!)</p>

<p>Someone else on another thread took the “love thy safety” mantra one step further and suggested that the most effort should be put into the selection of safety schools - that it should be the top priority rather than an afterthought. I value this piece of advice - which is why I am repeating it. It’s easy to come up with a list of matches and reaches for most kids - sometimes the tricky part is shortening that part of the list. But coming up with a few safety schools that you really, truly would be happy to attend if that’s what happened - whether in terms of acceptances or in terms of finances - that’s really a challenge.</p>

<p>I think that a key element of this process is determining the factors that you value the most in your match/reach schools and then trying to find the same features at a slightly lower stat school. I also favor safety schools that offer EA or rolling admissions - so you have god news early and have plenty of time to visit again after being accepted and don’t feel pressured to make a snap decision in April.</p>

<p>agree with rockvillemom, i’m just saying be prepared as the acceptances roll in, that the perceived love of that safety may change, when up against an acceptance at a school they really want. no matter how good it seemed hypothetically.</p>

<p>how to get over the idea of going to the safety? how about thinking about where you’d be if you hadn’t found a safety?</p>

<p>if you aren’t already familiar with it, read this thread (and the poster’s original thread cited in it) <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/192395-no-acceptances-one-kids-story-year-later.html?[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/192395-no-acceptances-one-kids-story-year-later.html?&lt;/a&gt; (when i searched for it i couldn’t believe how many years ago it was!)-- top student who ended up at the end of the application season with NO acceptances.</p>

<p>you can’t avoid all disappointment – its a part of teenage life, its a part of the college application process. but i think the best thing one can do is simply try to get across the realities of the process up front – so that hopefully when the disappointment comes, the student has the information to try to convince themselves that it isn’t a referendum on their adequacy as a person/student. it can be hard – we don’t want to be discouraging or make our kids think we don’t believe in them – but keeping things realistic can help cushion the blow. i also know for my oldest – a big reality check came when ED decisions came out – students saw how many “top” students didn’t get into the ED school they applied to (either rejected or deferred) and that really helped to get across the message how tough admissions could be – many of them ended up adding schools to their application lists to add safeties.</p>

<p>One suggestion, a match school with rolling admissions. Neither of my kids had to think safety for long, once they got that match acceptance. (not guaranteed, but sometimes more likely with an early application.)</p>

<p>The safety school list is the one that should be where the time is spent. Instead, too many parents and kids love to look wistfully at the HPY type schools, rolling those names off their tongues and imagining being there. More time is spent trying to pick which big names should make the list and on the apps and the visits than on the safeties. So of course, where do you think most kids get accustomed to thinking where they will be going?</p>

<p>I was really impressed that my college kid didn’t hesitate to just ditch those schools that were full cost. When he got his acceptances, he focused on the affordable choices. This is not what happens in a lot of families. But you know what? I did the same many years ago as did everyone I knew. In fact, most kids did not even bother to apply to schools they did not think their parents could afford. Now it is standard to pick reach, match, safety schools. And the mantra is not to let the cost get in the way. This is repeated in articles, by the colleges themselves, counselors, just about everywhere except for at CC where the realities and chances of getting financial aid and/or merit money are discussed.</p>

<p>Garland, my kids did well with Early Action and Rolling Admissions. They applied to a variety of schools under those conditions. It gave them a good idea where they stood (somewhat) on the selectivity scale, and with some acceptances in their pockets took away some of the stress. </p>

<p>My current college kid particularly appreciated the early acceptances as he got bad news early in the season. He had the dubious honor of getting the first rejection at his high school that year. Followed by more rejections. But come mid December, he had several choices, including the school he liked best, and a good solid financial safety as well.</p>

<p>My son ended up selecting a safety school over a number of match and high-match schools. His safety kept in close contact with him, offered him a large merit scholarship and then increased it after he had a good mid-year report, and generally gave him the feeling that he was really wanted. It helped that he spent an overnight there and really enjoyed the students and everyone he met there. It also helped that it has strong programs in his areas of interest.</p>

<p>His other acceptances offered no financial aid and for some reason, things just never “clicked”" on the other campuses. So to our amazement, he is saving our family a ton of money by attending a school that had initially been on his list only because he believed he’d get in.</p>

<p>Some kids are just more pragmatic than others. My D understood that a reach really was “a reach” and the odds were against her getting in. So when she didn’t there weren’t any tears. A little disappointment, but she quickly moved on. She was perfectly happy with her safety (guaranteed admission to state flagship) but was pleased when accepted to 3 of her “match” schools. Had a good variety to choose from, but would have been happy and thrived anywhere.</p>

<p>Well you definitely have to find a safety that you would want to go to. I’m going to my safety, and it is actually superior to my matches/reaches in terms of my intended major (MIT excluded).</p>

<p>Once I got accepted, I thought “I would be happy, even if I didn’t get accepted into any more colleges”, and I’m ecstatic (though I got a few more acceptances, none with the same department strength and financial aid package).</p>

<p>I fell in love with MIT in middle school, but the last year I fell in love with my safety, to the point where I might pass on MIT (at least until grad school, lol).</p>