Same here. When I finished my masters, I did a six week cross country trip with two friends. I know we didn’t contact anyone along the way. Most of the time, we were backpacking in national parks…or driving to them. We did spend a little time with some friends and family who lived along the way. But call or contact parents…no.
We sent postcards along the way…most of which arrived after we got home.
They did know we were on a X country trip…with really no timelines from place to place. And they knew when we had to be back…so I could start my real job.
I do think that’s one of the big differences. It’s hard to compare what “we did” to what is done these days. A young adult who posts daily on IG suddenly stops…where are they? Another who texts regularly…then doesn’t…
And there’s safety - we are abundantly aware of things. “When I was a kid” we hitchhiked from Malibu to Santa Monica all the time (ALL the time!) - no issues. Would I (if I were the same age) do it now? Not likely. I also used to pick up hitchers… Would I (if I were the same age) do it now? Not likely.
And we DO have concerns about mental health issues we didn’t really think about, or more accurately, talk about.
And my FBI agent brother would tell you that not only are things not different, the world our kids live in has actually gotten safer. Child abductions, for instance, are fewer today than they were when we were kids when they weren’t as widely publicized. The preponderance of today’s “abductions” are related to custody disputes not the randomness of a Polly-Klaas-like event. Technology has the ability to keep us safer and more connected, but it also has the ability to give an outsized megaphone to rare occurrences that result in outsized fear.
He was my older son’s graduation speaker. He gave a great talk, very inspirational, but yes, he’d be the first to tell you, just tell someone where you are going.
Here’s an article about how lack of independence is affecting students’ mental health. I would be interested in knowing whether part of the reason for the disappearance was a reaction to the relationship with his parents:
When I agreed to let my sheltered, suburbanite (generally non-communicative) son go on an extended trip abroad (that I paid for), I asked for a text through what’s app every day. If I didn’t specify, he would have never contacted me.
D has a friend who does search and rescue. At Thanksgiving we were chatting about her job and she said they always tell people, especially people who go hiking or out into wilderness areas, to always tell someone where they’re going or when they’ll be back. If you get injured, it makes it much easier for them to rescue you, if they have at least an idea of your location. Also, time is of the essence if you someone is injured. It can be the difference between life and death.
That said, when I travel, I always let H know that I made it there. He does the same with me. My sister came to visit, she texted me when she got home. My friend did the same when she came to visit. H and I did the same when we first started dating in our late 20’s.
Back in the day, I agree it was different, but that’s how it goes. Heck, my childhood was different than my parent’s childhood and so on. My parents were not helicopter parents, but they still cared. When I drove back to college, I’d give them a quick call to let them know I arrived. I did the same when I travelled to Europe one summer, and I was living with them beforehand, I called them when I got there.
Expecting your kid to call you when they arrive somewhere is not helicopter parenting. Getting worried because your suddenly very communicative child goes silent is NOT being overprotective. I think back in the day parents would’ve been worried too!
I think there is much more to this story and their family dynamics.
Your post reminded me - when my husband and I are on vacation and go hiking, we always text someone to let them know where we are hiking, and then when we are done, “just in case.” Even when we are around home, if we go on a long bike trip, we usually text my son just letting him know where we are and when we are done. We just want someone to send someone for us if needed :).
A more correct statement is that the world we live in is perceived to be way more dangerous than it was when you were a kid. You probably grew up in a time when the crime rate was much higher than it is now, in addition to having other hazards that were unknown then, disregarded then, or for which there was no mitigation then.
I think that’s atypical of people in the 1980s and 1990s. Calling from abroad was very expensive and unusual and not some I or my friends would ever consider.
I just called 1 time to let them know I arrived. The friend I was travelling with did the same thing with her parents. We didn’t talk everyday. I’d expect the same from my kids…
Same with me! If you’re going to be out in a remote area, it’s always good to tell people where you’re going and when you expect to be back. What if you fall and break your back? You could be lying there injured for days if people don’t know where to look for you. It’s foolish not to tell people. My nephew does backcountry skiing and he always lets people know where he is going. At the lodges he stays at, it’s considered poor etiquette not to let the staff know where you’re going…
Were our parents less overprotective? Maybe. But here’s the thing, in our day we didn’t have texts. We didn’t have an automatic way to keep in touch back then. If we had texting then, it may have been different. But that’s a moot point. I’m sure the families of the pioneers on the Oregon Trail would’ve liked a text as soon as they arrived, but they didn’t have that back then. So that was that.
I don’t think expecting your family or friends to check in when they get somewhere is overprotective. I did have friends who could just take off and not tell their parents where they were going and not keep in touch, but then again they had parents who didn’t really care or pay attention to what their kids were doing…I didn’t have that kind of relationship with my parents. They weren’t overprotective, but they still cared about me and what I was doing.
Probably so. Back when I was in elementary school, it was common for first grade students to walk to school on their own. That is no longer common these days.
It’s probably a lot less common for kids of all ages to walk to school these days. Most kids don’t live within walking distance from their school. The kids in my neighborhood get bussed (or their parents drive them) to the local public schools. The elementary and middle schools are on the other side of town and the high school that our neighborhood is zoned to, is in a neighboring town. There is a brand-new planned community in our area that was built in such a way that kids can walk to school. Of course its an expensive place to live with high HOA dues. But it’s safe, family friendly and the public schools are VERY highly regarded. My co-worker moved there recently and she loves the fact that her daughters can walk to school with all their neighborhood friends, but they are paying a premium to live there.
I walked to school back in the day starting in Kindergarten. My sister and I would walk with all of our neighborhood friends. Our elementary and middle schools weren’t more than half a mile from our neighborhood in a suburban area. Our neighborhood was full of kids and we all went to the same schools…seems to be different these days. Plus, I remember knowing all our neighbors back then…we don’t know everyone on our street these days…different times!
However, comparing the same elementary school that I attended then versus now (I know people whose kids went that that school, and they live closer to the school than I did), the norm then was for students to walk to school on their own, but the norm recently was parents driving the students there or escorting them when they walk to school.
I’d be interested to see what it’s like at the Elementary school I attended these days. When I lived there it was a primarily white middle to upper middle class area. It’s somewhat the same, though I do know there has been an influx of Hispanic people in the last 20-30 years. So the demographic has changed. I wouldn’t be surprised if at least some kids still walk to the school today considering there are houses on the same street and it would make much more sense to walk. Also, in my day, I remember several families only having one car…and mom stayed home. Nowadays many families have two cars and both parents work…
This made me chuckle. We had a system where I’d call collect and the parental units would refuse, but it let them know I was fine. If I immediately called a second time, they would accept charges as that indicated something was wrong. Luckily I never had to use the “second call”. That said, we did plan a scheduled call every 2 weeks… which my dad timed!
These days, as long as my D is traveling where there is easy access, we expect a quick text or photo every few days. She’d probably do it anyway. Because I know my kid and her patterns I would not hesitate to get involved if she unexpectedly deviated from her scheduled plans or routine (e.g. not showing up for classes to the extent the school reached out, not returning to her dorm or host family for days without notifying them (she’d do that out of courtesy), etc.
My college daughter is studying abroad in Europe (leaving in a few weeks) - can I just say that hearing all these stories of adventurous kids traveling to all parts of the world (and being okay!) has given me some comfort!!
