Studying abroad...how to go about it

Parents Forum
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<p>Hello! I'm planning to study abroad next year and have a slight dilemma. I would really appreciate any advice you could give in regards to this matter. </p>

<p>A little background-</p>

<p>I'm currently a junior planning to study abroad next fall in Shanghai. I'm also thinking of extending the program until Spring. What this means is I'd be gone from late August until mid July. Now the problem is, my mom's pretty worried about me going abroad. I've already withdrawn from a previous program due to career pursuit purposes and waitlisted and unaccepted to another. During the time that I was planning to go, she constantly bashed on how dangerous and horrible it was to be in Shanghai and Japan. I really, really wanted to go to Shanghai last summer in hopes of catching a train or something of the sort to the Olympics and have since felt a pang in my heart for giving up on the opportunity. Thus, I am determined to go for my next school year. </p>

<p>The problem is, I'm not really sure how to discuss it with my mom to make her feel more at ease. I've been given some pretty good advice about it and I would also like to hear more perspectives. I'm basically the eldest and only daughter in the family and I guess you could say I'm still her little girl. I have never been on a plane, never traveled alone, etc. so I can understand why she worries. But although I've been living in an apartment and fending for myself I think she has the view that I can't take care of myself. </p>

<p>What can I do to make her feel better about my going abroad? I would really appreciate the advice because she has a habit of making a face that guilt trips me for wanting to go abroad. I love my family, I really do, but at the same time I really need to live my life and I don't know how to break it to her. I feel like I'm living in a bubble and I believe that going abroad will help me break out of it and become a better person overall. I admit it's hard to leave the family, but I have to break away sometime right? </p>

<p>Thanks for reading and I appreciate any input. :)</p>

<p>Also, feel free to move this if it's not in the correct place. I posted here because as its a situation dealing with my family and there's a parents forum I thought, well, parents would know best about how to approach the situation. Thanks again.</p>

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<p>I can understand your mother’s feelings. My son, age 16 at the time, spent his sophomore year abroad in France. It was a really long way and a really long time – and France is not China!</p>

<p>He’d be the first to tell you that it wasn’t easy for him, and he’d done a lot of traveling on his own and with us before hand. </p>

<p>Is there a way you can do some “baby steps” before going to the other side of the world for a year?</p>

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<p>I would say that you should go for it, and be understanding of your mother’s concerns at the same time. My nephew spent last year in Japan-- a whole year. Everyone was anxious and concerned before he left, of course. But he had a wonderful time and it changed his life. In fact, he is graduating in May, and he got a job in Japan. So, he’s going away in July, with a one-way ticket. That’s a lot worse, in the family’s mind!! Because, he will be gone— forever. Well, maybe not forever, but you get the idea. </p>

<p>Children have to live their lives, as hard as it is for us parents to accept that. If this is your dream, then you really need to go. There will never be a better time. I agree with the above poster about taking little steps before you take this giant leap, but also to get your mom used to the idea of your being so far from home. It would be very hard for me, too, as a mom, but I would try very hard to swallow my concerns and all the other tough emotions, and let my D do what she needed to do. Good luck, and bon voyage!</p>

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<p>cnp55 – I’m not sure what baby steps I can take. I’ve tried to slowly get my parents used to my not being at home by making the time between my visits longer, and this spring break I’ll be going to San Francisco for half the time before going home. I think my parents also are used to me staying in my room when I go home (which I do because it seems like “presence” makes a difference) so I guess I could go out more with my friends instead of feeling guilty about doing so. If I get my internship this summer, I won’t be home either but I would make an effort to visit during the weekends since I’d be leaving in a few months. After writing this though I think you might have been referring to me more so than my parents, so in regards to that I’m trying to find more things to do by myself (e.g. travel by bus to visit places). Small thing, but I think it would help considering I’ve rarely used public transportation and I’d be using that a lot when I go abroad. I can’t think of anything else besides reading websites on what living in Shanghai is like and how to prepare myself for it. It’s going to be really challenging and definitely not easy, but I think it’s worth it for the experience and opportunities I’ll have to grow. If you have any ideas for other baby steps I would really appreciate hearing them. :slight_smile: </p>

<p>Franglish – Wow that’s great to hear!! Did he have to be fluent to get the job? I really want to visit Japan when I can too, or if I could study abroad there if my college allows me. It’s my other dream. :slight_smile: It’s hard but he’ll visit during holidays I hope? There’s also skype to keep in touch! </p>

<p>I’m trying to figure out how to get my mom used to the idea of me being far from home. One major step is to show her my program and assure her that it’s safe. I admit that last summer I was unfair to her because I didn’t really show her anything substantial, so this year I will make a huge effort to do so. I also need to get a webcam for the family and show them how to use skype so they can keep in touch. Come to think of it, it would help for me to outline what I’d do once I hit the airport so that they at least know I’ll get to my university safely… </p>

<p>Thanks for posting - it really helps to get the gears in my brain turning to see how I can better prepare myself as well as my family for this. =)</p>

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<p>Rosedust, my sympathies. It is very hard for many who have never traveled to understand the appeal of a place like Shanghai. If she is of my age, she remembers when all of China was forbidden to Americans! </p>

<p>I would still go, and try to be as loving and communicative as possible in the process. Also, try to find some crime statistics to back up your plan. Are you traveling to Japan while there? Japan is SO safe. Having lived in Asia, I’d be much happier to have my kid in China or Japan than most big cities in this country. </p>

<p>Shanghai is safe as well, though I don’t know as much about crime rates. Air quality however is a concern! But you’re not moving there for a lifetime. My son lived there last year, and taught English. There’s a large ex pat community, and easy availability of flights to the US. Not as hard to get in and out of as other parts of China. I assume you’re a student of Chinese? </p>

<p>Encourage your mom to come visit while you’re there. Midway through the exchange, when you have a feel for the city, and know how to show her places and food that aren’t too shocking. Take her to Hangchou, or Souchow. (Sorry, can’t remember the pinyin spelling) </p>

<p>I visited Shanghai last spring, as well as 25 years ago. The place is fantastic, and an amazing experience of a city in transition. China is always interesting! </p>

<p>My kids have been all over the world, and one of the best parts of exchange for me is how the exchange becomes a family project, and makes me find the funds to go visit myself. See if you can find a way share your excitement with her. This may be a process, especially if she is in shock, and negative right now. She may need time and information to get used to the idea. Also talk about skype, cell phones and how you can still communicate easily while over there. The world is shrinking. </p>

<p>Best wishes in this process!</p>

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<p>Sorry, cross posted. Good, you’ve already thought of skype and web cams. </p>

<p>As far as getting to the university, you’ll go through customs, change some money into remminbi, take the Maglev (fast train) into Pudong, and then get a taxi to the university. Have the address written down in Chinese, or figure out how to say it in Chinese. In time you’ll figure out the subway system. But taxis are reasonable. </p>

<p>Baby steps? Take a short train trip, take a taxi if you’ve never done either of these things.</p>

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<p>Another baby step – you have <em>never</em> been on a plane. So … take a plane trip, maybe with family. Maybe for a weekend to an interesting city not too far away via plane.</p>

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<p>

He is a Japanese major at his university. He is not Asian at all; just fell in love with everything Japanese. He was seen, I guess, as a perfect bridge between US and Japanese business interests. In this economic crisis, I really hope he gets to keep the job!</p>

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<p>My D has spent her entire jr year in Beijing, so I know what your mom is going through. I had all of the same concerns, but safety is one area that I quickly learned was not a problem. Perhaps because it is still a communist country, crime is just not tolerated. D says the only crimes she has heard about during her time there are the white collar type. The curfew for her program is 11 pm on weekends, and she usually gets home at 10:59, either walking or on a bike. She says she feels much safer around her home at 11 friday night than she does in the park in our upper class neighborhood in Oregon at noon.
This was painfully brought home to us last winter, when 2 foreign exchange students where shot and killed by a random maniac in our town.
This has been a life changing year for both of us. It has brought us even closer together- we were close before, but she appreciates home and all she has here so much more now. She has friends not only in China, but kids from other countries that she met there, so is a part of the world outside of the US that only people who have lived abroad for more than a few months can appreciate.<br>
Don’t worry about air pollution- Shanghai is close enough to the sea that it gets good breezes that blow bad stuff to Beijing! It is a wonderful city- my D thinks of it as Paris compared to Beijing being chicago. They are a world center for urban planning if you have any interest in that.
The only real problems were the living conditions,which have been hard for D to adjust to- the bathroom sink empties into a bucket, no tub, and the shower is kind of like on a boat- you just stand in the corner and use the ‘telephone’ type shower to spray yourself- no shower stall or curtain. She loves her family, but the food they serve is pretty shocking, especially to a picky eater who wouldn’t eat salmon at home. A favorite is tofu soaked in chicken blood, eaten uncooked. And of course she has had several bouts of homesickness. The first 6 weeks everything was new and fun, then it sunk in that she wasn’t coming home. There were a hard couple of weeks, but then she made some friends and enjoyed having so much freedom.
She has grown and matured so much it is hard to describe- her level of self confidence is off the charts. She comes home May 29th, which will be a happy day for us. My only regret is that I have missed 9 months of her growing up, which I won’t get back, but it is worth it.</p>

<p>So, I hope this helps, feel free to have your mom contact me if she would like to talk. Good luck- I was totally opposed to D going to China, but her logic and passion won me over.</p>

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<p>I don’t know about China but Japan is one of the safest countries. In the greater Tokyo area kids routinely ride the trains by themselves to get to school. I found the streets of Tokyo itself to be very safe and the people to be friendly and very helpful to foreigners. I don’t think the Japanese government tolerates much in the way of crime.</p>

<p>Maybe you can do some research on crime rates in some of the areas you have in mind and comparisons to similarly sized cities in the USA and present that to your mom. Education can help alleviate fears of the unknown. Also, you should try to determine how much of her anxiety is due to safety in the particular location as opposed to the simple fact that you’ll be a long way away and out of her comfort zone of accessibility. I suspect a lot of her anxiety is the latter.</p>

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<p>One more thing Rose- I’m sure you are aware that a school year abroad is impressive to college admission boards, and China seems to be at the top of the list. They know that a year in a country where the language, culture and diet are totally foreign is much harder than say a year in provence or tuscany.
D knows a US senior in Beijing, now getting her college app replies. With 3.5 GPA and average SAT’s, she is offered generous fin. aid at NYU, with freshman year in Florence, also full ride to ASU, and that is just the replies so far. We won’t know how D’s time in China affects her admissions till this time next year, but judging from past participants in the program she is in, it helps considerably.</p>

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<p>I’m a bit confused. Did you say that you are currently a junior in College planning to do your senior year abroad and you won’t be home until July? Why not just do a year abroad after graduation? That’s what my daughter did. She taught in China for a year, last year. While China was a bit far away, she had proved she could handle herself by previously traveling to Peru (twice), Europe and Africa. The last two continents were solo trips. And this was after flying numerous times in the US. I can understand that your mother might not be on board with you going to China AND missing your College graduation.</p>

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<p>Gosh Keip- you’re right- I was assuming rose was a high school jr, but living in an apt I guess she would be in college. Time to cut the apron strings!</p>

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<p>I think we all agree that study abroad is a worthwhile experience, especially if the time is spent stretching your capabilities.</p>

<p>My only concern, in this case, is whether you are certain that your current school allows your final credits to be earned off campus. I have seen many schools that require the last 30 hours to be conducted in residence. If that’s not a problem for you, go for it!</p>

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<p>Try Israel. Pretty far… with a totally foreign language that I couldn’t read when I first arrived… lots of potential dangers.</p>

<p>Move forward. Move forward. What about your father? What does he think? Do you have another family member who is supportive of your plans? That person is going to be your BIGGEST ally until your departure. My mother was a nerve-wreck for months about me going to Israel (and that was just in 2006 when Israel was in a war with Lebanon) but my dad remained a steady supporter and wrote all the checks so I could go. To prepare for my study abroad, my mom did a lot of talking with other people whose children have gone to Israel. She was also nervous about my SECURITY (as we’ve discussed above a bit). I let her read all the program materials that came in. She did relax a little… but she wouldn’t relax until she actually came and visited me (which was huge as she refused to go but when she realized that my dad was going to go no matter what, she said okay!). She also used her hobby- food/cooking- to explore Israeli dishes and restaurants for me to try when I’m there (I actually never did :)). Does your mom have a hobby that could be tied with China? It’ll help her connect on a more personal level.</p>

<p>Once she saw how happy I was being in Israel and that I knew my around Jerusalem and Tel Aviv, she relaxed and gave me a big hug before heading back to the US. When I asked to stay for the summer, she objected only because she missed me. She let me stay anyway. Ever since, she never questioned my ability to travel to Europe or Israel on my own. I’m still battling over Russia… :)</p>

<p>Do research with her- watch documentaries about Shanghai and China. Just don’t give too much details like food and living conditions or traveling to western China. :slight_smile: Talk about it, get excited. Don’t pay attention to her if she says “Please be quiet… I’d rather not talk about it…” You need to get her comfortable with the idea of China as a… exotic country with lots of life learning opportunities. Don’t talk about traveling other countries however- it’ll make her even more nervous. It never occurred to my mom that I’d get to travel to Czech Republic or even Jordan- she absolutely flipped out when I wanted to visit Prague. It’s another country for her to deal with (I never made it to Jordan though). That’s a baby step you can take- insist that you will explore China as much as you can. You’ll make her feel okay about Japan once you’ve been in China for at least a month or so- get settled first.</p>

<p>Skype is a life saver. Keep a blog- my blog has been a hit with my family and my parents’ friends. Take pictures. Make them feel as if they’re with you. You’ll end up writing such interesting and unbelievable things that your readers (and Mom) will be too fascinated to even worry about anything! So if you write about eating tofu soaked in chicken blood, the first thing they’ll say on their minds, “EW! Wow! That’s disgusting… how did it taste? I can’t believe you lived to tell this!” Keeping a blog lets everyone know that you’re safe and healthy. </p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

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<p>Hi Rosedust.</p>

<p>I have a couple of thoughts about what you’re proposing to do:</p>

<p>First, you absolutely MUST look into your school’s residence requirements and get your transfer credits approved in advance. You don’t want to put a lot of time, effort and money into something that won’t allow you to graduate on time.</p>

<p>Second, if you’ve never been away from home on your own for an extended period of time, you may be underestimating how difficult it might be for YOU yourself to be so far away from your family and friends. Maybe one semester abroad would be a better option for all of you. </p>

<p>Finally, do you really want to be away for your whole senior year? Are you sure you won’t miss spending time with friends at school during your/their last year?</p>

<p>Whatever you decide, best wishes for what is sure to be a great adventure!</p>

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<p>I would second this about an entire year away, for your first big trip. My S went abroad for 2 college semesters, and while both were wonderful, at this point he has regrets. You have the rest of your life to travel and see the world, but college is a finite and special time. A semester is great, though, for the more guided and educational context. A great introduction to exploring other countries.</p>

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<p>Our family has lived in Shanghai for the last 5 years - it’s a very safe place and has a large community of college students from all over the world. I agree with great lakes mom that I’d rather have my daughter studying in Shanghai than a lot of the big cities in the US - I worry more about her safety in Philadelphia than I do when she comes home to Shanghai!
The biggest issue about China for me as a mom is health care. Make sure you have good insurance and an SOS type package. Make sure you understand what to do in an emergency (get in a taxi to the hospital that you have on an address card with you all the time).</p>