Supplement Essay Help

Colleges and Universities A-Z Cornell University
1

<p>Hi, Im filling out the Cornell Supplement on the Common Application and wanted to know how this essay sounds:</p>

<p>It's in response to
College of Human Ecology: What do you value about the College of Human Ecology perspective as you consider
your academic goals and plans for the future? Reflect on our majors that interest you as you respond.</p>

<p>Helping others and serving my community has always been a top priority in my life, which has laid the foundation to the path in life I want to take. Cornell’s elite College of Human Ecology would not only maximize my knowledge of human behavior and mechanism, but shape my dreams and aspirations to guide me into the career I’ve always longed for.
With majors from Nutritional Sciences to Fiber Science and Apparel Design, there is no doubt this college encloses the major I wish to pursue. Any major in this college would most definitely augment a student’s view of the way we live. Throughout high school, biology has captivated my mind in every aspect and has aided me in working with others through the follow up in diseases and our body as a whole. Through my father’s death caused by diabetes type 2 and addiction to alcohol, I seek to ensure I never go through another life adversity by promoting health and the importance of it. Growing up, I saw my father be consumed in a vise that dramatically impacted my family as a whole and made my life unfold in such a way I never expected it to.
In my internship at a hospital I have received the opportunity of working in various departments that has made me realize I am most interested in curing those with long term conditions such as diabetes and cancer. My level of maturity and ability to communicate with others has greatly increased since there’s no room for fooling around in such a serious setting that requires full attention and thinking on one’s feet all the time. Working with professionals has tapped into my inner desire to devote myself to the field of medicine to someday be the pioneer of many cures to diseases and conditions that so negatively affect united families.
With leading researchers as faculty and notable alumni, the College of Human Ecology has that resonance that makes many aspiring students make every effort at their capacity to obtain a spot in. I have deliberately grown both as a person and scholar from the beginning of high school to now, and have set my mind in what I want to achieve and overcome the trials and tribulations I have encountered. Having an experienced background in helping others, the Human Biology, Health, and Society major stands out to me the most. What I look for in a school is not how well known it is, or how many people attend a football game, but the experience it offers and how prepared it leaves its descendants. This college is astounding in the fact that it gives rise to the next set of leaders in medicine that will someday save thousands of lives in every corner of the
planet not only through a top of the line research based education, but through its mission to apply what is learned to solve life’s challenges.</p>

<p>Thanks!</p>

2

<p>Writing isn’t really my thing but here are a few things I noticed in no particular order.</p>

<p>In the third paragraph you mention “negatively affect united families”. It’s not clear what you mean by united. Perhaps it would be better to cut that word out. Also in that sentence “the pioneer of many cures” perhaps change it to “a pioneer” or “to someday help pioneer cures”. Currently it sounds a little cocky and offers a good opportunity to insert something about collaboration and teamwork. Also in that paragraph “my level of maturity… feet all the time” could probably be broken up into a couple sentences or condensed. It’s might not be a run-on but it does challenge the reader to remember what was going on in the first part of the sentence.</p>

<p>In the first paragraph I don’t think “elite” is necessary. That’s completley personal opinion though. It just sounds like your sucking up to them. They already know their school is good. Also in this paragraph “shape my dreams and aspirations…”. you probably didn’t mean to write it like this but it sounds like your going to Cornell so they can give you dreams and aspirations. Based off the rest of your essay it sounds like you already have dreams and aspirations. Your going to Cornell because they will help you best recognize your aspirations and bring your dreams to fulfillment, at least thats what it seems to me. </p>

<p>At the beginning of your second paragraph you talk about how you’ll be able to find a suitable major. Then in the last paragraph you seem to already know which one you’ll want. Seems like your sucking up again. (maybe thats a good thing, maybe it isn’t)</p>

<p>Thats just what I see. Like I said, writing isn’t my thing but I figured I’d try to help.</p>

3

<p>thanks bassbox_7!
hahaa i’ll try to fix those
points and leave out any “sucking up.”
:)</p>

4

<p>no problem, your essay was still very well written (better than mine (which I should really be working on… oh well)), tell me how things work out</p>