As it’s been discussed a few times in the “parents caring for the parent support thread”, I’m starting a new thread for those of us working through our loses.
My parents both died in 2020. My mom after a long bout with ALZ and my dad suddenly in his sleep. I’m definitely still processing both their loses.
Members dealing with bereavement issues after caregiving for anyone are welcome to post here!
I’m still reeling after almost losing my dad in 2020, and then unexpectedly losing my mom to undiagnosed cancer in 2021. My sister and I were about to place our mom in a beautiful facility when COVID hit. I think I’m saddest that she didn’t get to experience that community, because she would have loved it. Plus not getting to see her the last 16 months of her life still stings. On the other hand, it’s a blessing my dad rebounded. I saw him last week and he’s thriving. He gave me rides to and from the airport. He drives great, even in Austin traffic!
Thank you for starting this @momofboiler1. Holidays are coming so the timing is apt. My mother died a year ago. I am finding that in order to take care of her for 7 years I had to suppress a lot of feelings about her parenting, which at times was negligent or even abusive. I had hoped that caregiving her in the childlike state she was in could restore love between us, and it did, during those years. But now I am finding other feelings emerging.
However I miss her every day. It’s strange. I am still haunted by the hospice experience. I was talking with her, joking even, and they gave her morphine in her arm and she never regained consciousness. The social workers and nurses felt sorry for me because I was alone and after 48 hours urged me to go home. They did not tell me there was a shower and laundry facilities in the hospice house. She died before I could get back. I felt a lack of closure, whether rational or not.
I waited a few months and spoke with an administrator about my concerns so others could avoid my experiences.
I think a lot of us have sibling issues as well. I posted this on the caregivers thread:
@psychomomma a lot of us can relate to your post. I am talking to a bereavement counselor this week about the ramifications of my mother’s death a year ago. Not only did my siblings assume for years that caregiving was “in my DNA” and stay out of it (my comment was, you mean my chromosomes?) but abandoned me at her bedside while dying. One brother a few days ago accused me of not letting him know she was dying, which is absurd given the daily details i sent him for 7 years. My other brother shared the email I had sent both of them telling them she had been taken to hospice house, and there were so many texts. So not only did I handle her dying alone but not I am being blamed for it!
I am grateful for my kids, cousins, friends. It feels as if my family of origin disappeared with my mother’s death.
@psychmomma and @oldmom4896 have been helpful to me in their posts. I am grateful to have a new thread where I can maybe vent a little without interfering with those in the midst of caregiving. I think that the aftereffects of loss can ripple out for many years and hope people will feel free to post even if the loss was some time ago.
I have a lot of regrets around the death of both my parents. My parents lived in my town for over 14 years and I was with them an increasing amount as my mom worsened. I ended up going to see a therapist to help me with establishing better boundaries because I found myself leaving their house and crying all the way home every single time and then needing to pull it together to be present for my daughter and husband. The therapist was incredibly helpful but I still feel like I didn’t do enough for my parents (and my dad never let me forget that).
When we were forced to move for my H’s job change, I had the last two years of my mom’s life where I had to fly to see her and manage everything by phone. That was its own kind of stress but it was also liberating to not be in person.
My mom really really didn’t want to live with ALZ and actually attempted suicide early on in her diagnosis. She used to beg me to help her die. I just couldn’t. The best I could do was honor her advanced directives. My dad called me a coward the year after her attempt while drunk at a party, and it’s only now that I understand that this is what he meant (not that he could do it either). When my mom fell at her memory care unit I declined to have her hospitalized. Turns out she had a brain bleed from that fall. The facility eventually called 911 when she was unresponsive but I quickly got her transferred from the ER into an inpatient hospice. We were with her to say goodbye and sat vigil for 10 days, but we flew home 48 hours before her death because everything was shutting down because of Covid. She was in a deep coma by then but I still feel terrible I wasn’t there for her last breath, as I was for my son’s and grandmother’s passing. I know 100% that my mom would have haunted me if I had prolonged her life in any way but it was still super painful to be the one to make the decision and sign the papers.
My dad died suddenly 3 months later in his sleep, just as our relationship was starting to be repaired. So, so many regrets of things unsaid.
I went back to therapy after my dad died and I have lots of conversations in my heart and mind with my parents. There was a lot of pain and fear in my childhood stemming from alcoholism and verbal abuse which made my caregiving and grief more complicated. I too miss them more than I could have ever imagined. For all their faults, they were amazing grandparents and my D’s biggest cheerleader. And they were proud of me too, even though I made a lot of mistakes myself.
I so miss being able to pick up the phone to talk to them… And the holidays are so hard…
Your examples of compassion and care are inspiring to me and help me in caring for others.
For everything there is a season. May the time of grief and sorrow pass.
I pray all may find comfort and peace.
May grief and pain lessen.
May we all experience forgiveness and also forgive those who have passed away.
May we be comforted by the memories of love.
Life is so fragile. May we focus on the opportunities ahead.
May the hope of eternal life be a comfort.
My mom (my best friend) passed 11/4/15 after a 4 month cancer fight, at the time she lived in town with my dad who had Alzheimer’s, so she was dying and he didn’t know what was going on, and drinking too much. After she passed (in her living room with my, my sister, my sons, her bff and my dad surrounding her), we hired her caregiver (who we hired very last minute for my mom) to stay with my dad. It took a couple of years to realize she was bat poop crazy, it was hard getting her to leave (got a letter from an attorney). My oldest took over because she was studying for her cpa exams. In December of 2015 she said she couldn’t do it anymore so I made an appointment with a care facility we had picked out to sign paperwork. He had a heart attack on 12/21/18 and my daughter found him. It was a blessing in some way, the two things he loved most in life was my mom and his home.
Unfortunately we are in tbd weeds again with my 96 and 95 year old in-laws, zoom calls with siblings, family texts, talks of hospice, home Heath aid, feeding tubes, family driving and flying in for goodbyes, funeral arrangements… My H’s mom died young, his step dad died young, so out of all of the 5 siblings, none have dealt with a lot of these things, since they were all in their teens/20’s when their parent died. My H was there with my parents, so he gets it, like when I get frustrated when his step sister doesn’t thing they need a caregiver yet (they’re both on oxygen, have walkers, and sleep in recliners in the living room, no longer cook, barely even eat (we found someone to bring meals and clean). I don’t know how long it’s been since they bathed.
Sorry for the ramble, this time of year is always hard for me, and it’s really piling on this year, day to day. I had a nice long talk with my sister yesterday about our parents and H’s parents, which helped, I can’t vent to H, I need to support him.
The Plight of the Oldest Sister - The Atlantic
posted in both the caregiving and post-caregiving threads!
My Dad died this July, after 6 weeks in hospice, leaving behind my 90 yr old mother, his wife of 67 years. He had been sick for almost 3 years, seriously not himself for 2 and for the last year suffered from what we now see was vascular dementia.
I keep thinking I will be sad, or devastated; the holidays should be impossible…and I still just feel adrift, or something. Sad underneath it all, as you realize nothing will make having lost him feel okay. It has not helped that I am the far away sibling, so there was no obituary here or anything so our connections found out bit by bit (as opposed to my siblings and Mom who can’t walk 5 feet without condolences, its own kind of difficulty) and now it is old old news.
I know that 3 months out, there is a growing sense that we should all be fine – Mom’s friends, etc, want her out in the world, think it is good for her, etc but she just isn’t readyand neither am I. I don’t want to feel better. I want to stay sad.
I can relate about being the out of town child when a parent dies. My local sister to parents had lots of support when our parents died. I lived 8 hours away and would not have expected friends to travel for that. Went to plenty of funeral homes or funerals for parents of friends though where we live.
Covid meant we waited over a year before being able to gather for a memorial service for my parents. Thanks to the funeral director, we were able to watch my dad’s burial over FaceTime (he wanted to buried in NY where no one lives). It was horrible not being able to get the support when we really needed it.
Obviously we needed this thread. It is not only overwhelming to take continuing care of loved ones but then deal with the feelings after their passing. It is a real mixed bag of feelings–grief, anger, guilt, and relief in many circumstances.
I’m trying to learn the attitude of my dad who was married almost 70 years and took care of my mom for the last 10 years of her life (she had cancer). As devastated as he was (and we stuck close to him) he just “kept moving”. You can never quit living. You remember the good and forget the bad. Let go of anger as soon as possible. Enjoy the small things. Life is too short to wallow in grief.
But it’s a real toll to be the caregiver. It’s stress multiplied by a thousand at least. The constant decision making, the second guessing, the hours spent in the car and time spent away from family. It’s almost PTSD afterwards at times.
I’m so sorry. This is not a Covid thread but it was an absolute travesty that loved ones weren’t allowed to be together in times of need. We got “lucky” that covid was “over” in our state when my dad was in the hospital.
My dad has seemed to cope better with my mom’s death than my sister or me. I think partly it was a relief for him that she died when she did, from cancer, instead of continuing to go downhill with dementia.
Someone on the other thread said it really well : I was ready for it to be over, but not for him to be gone
I believe the quote was, “Ready for them to go, but not ready for them to be gone.” I have used that phrase several times while my husband was on hospice and after. It make me feel like less of a monster for the bit of relief I feel, not full time care giving any more. I can breathe easier, not worrying what was going to happen next; it has already happened. I don’t sleep well, but not because I am worried, but because I miss him.
I have thrown myself in taking care of bills, cancelling his memberships, magazines, and other things he had on autopay. Trying to figure out finances and when I go back to work as I haven’t worked since June. I am adjusting because I am busy, but I know it will truly hit me when my mind isn’t trying to do 100 things at once.
Because we filed taxes jointly and itemize, I should go through his things to donate before years end. I know it is best for me to do this soon, so the kids are going to help next week when my son is in town. As my husband hasn’t worn anything in his closet other than t-shirts and gym short since he was sick in June, it might not be hard to donate all the clothing, but it will be stark to see his side of the closet empty. That may be a breaking point for me, but I don’t know. At least I will not be alone if so.
I feel that the hospice team prepared me, and helped me each step of the way. Each and everyone of them were beyond wonderful; the aide that bathed my husband 3 times a week, the nurse that came twice a week and called and texted often, the social worker that checked in many times a week and visited twice a week, and the care givers I hired for evening care when I ran out of steam his last few weeks. I could not have asked for a better group to be with my kids and myself if I had hand picked them.
One thing I’ve heard about grieving a loss: You don’t get over it, but you get used to it.
I wish you peace, @snowball .
I met with a bereavement counselor today. My mother died10/25/22 so more than a year ago. It was interesting. She said the first year you are in shock, dealing with practicalities, missing the person actively and the second year is a whole other stage of grieving. When I told her that I was confused because I simultaneously miss my mother while experiencing the emergence of so many horrible memories that I had to suppress in order to take care of her. She drank, kept us up at night with histrionics and was negligent in many ways. I forgave her when she expressed regrets. The counselor pointed out that I helped her with it, but that didn’t really help me. It was just good to hear that this was a healthy stage and one for growth.
She said this is an important phase of life , a rebirth, which was a bit much since I have trouble getting off the darn couch!
After all these years later, I feel like I am past bereavement for my dad who died in 2014 and my younger brother a year later. But my daughter’s wedding…my dad would have busted his buttons!
That was me on the other thread. I think anyone who has been through the long decline of a loved one can relate. 
For those grieving the loss of someone who was difficult or disappointing and wondering why you are so sad, it’s also grieving that what you may have always hoped for that person or your relationship with them now will never be. And it’s a legitimate grief!