<p>This is so perfect. Great tempo. I LOVED the ending. Actually, the internship in DC through the ending was the best part - terrific!</p>
<p>You are obviously a good writer, so it is hard to criticize your essay. It was fun to read (even though it can easily be shortened). Your writing is lively and shows great sense of humor. However, this essay portrays you starting your "running career" for all the wrong reasons ("I desperately wanted to be an amazing athlete. I saw them: the bronzed and muscular athletes in Sports Illustrated, on the beach, in the airport. They always had an easy gait, a graceful posture- oozing with confidence and empowerment. I wanted to be like that too"), giving up when you finally realized just how bad and hopeless you were at it, starting again because of pressure from your dad (so, again, in a way for a wrong reason), and then running out of habit you came to enjoy, despite being bad at it. And, judging by your last sentence, you feel so insecure, that you need an excuse to keep doing it. Is that the message you wanted to convey?</p>
<p>I enjoyed it. I agree with a couple of the other comments that this one was kept me interested until the end, which in itself is an accomplishment on this board! My two D's have taken up cross country for the first time this year, and the younger D's experience sounds very similar to yours. I am wondering how long she'll stick with it!</p>
<p>A couple comments:</p>
<p>This is not the main college essay. This is a supplementary essay to Yale. My English teacher had contacted some friends there about my writing. This essay is written at their request, to be reviewed by both the admissions committee and English faculty. There's still some editing to go, but the length stays.</p>
<p>My hopeful major as of now is biology. Actually, that's why I chose to write about running. The whole rest of my application details (in excruciating depth) the extent of my background with biology- RSI, Westinghouse, medicine, my interest in Paul Farmer's work and health in third world countries.... So in reponse to those who were worried it's a little breezy, I guess my partial explanation is that the rest of my application is very serious. I thought it would make a nice contrast.</p>
<p>As always, many thanks for the response and support.</p>
<p>I don't see what's so great about it. I especially don't see where "This summer I worked in Washington DC as an intern." fitted in. It feels as though that was just thrown in there and contains no purpose at all.</p>
<p>I'll have to go with saying there was too much filler and not enough development.</p>
<p>Grade - 2.5/10</p>
<p>Raspberry:</p>
<p>My S does not quite have the same high-octane profile as you do, but it is also very heavy on the academic side. So for both his essays (the personal statement as well as the additional essay), he has chosen a more light-hearted tone, writing on topics that have nothing to do with his academic interests. These come through very clearly in his transcript, after all. From what you say, you don't need to write on more serious topics. The essay captures very well your sense of humor, especially when it's directed at yourself.</p>
<p>Many readers will recognize themselves in your self-portrait as a reluctant runner. As I commented before, I like it a lot.</p>
<p>Marite:</p>
<p>Your last post raises an interesting question. It seems that in every case, a well-crafted application ought to disclose a kid's "passions" -- academic as well as extra-curricular. The common wisdom tells us that the essays should flesh out those "passions" (man I'm sick of that term) even further. What you've just said, although it makes good sense to me, would seem to fly in the face of that common wisdom. Are you advocating a more light-hearted essay only for applicants whose achievements are extraordinary, even in the pool of exceptional candidates? And Raspberry, I enjoyed reading your essay!</p>
<p>Raspberry,</p>
<p>This is excellent writing--and I speak as a writing teacher! Your mechanics are almost perfect. There is a missing apositophe and one place that should have a question mark--I'll show you where if you need me to--I'll bet you don't. The rest is perfect. The content is rich--not at all underdeveloped. You even made me laugh in two spots--a fellow-feeling kind of laughter that should help your reader feel in touch with you. I felt pulled along through virtually the entire essay.</p>
<p>I really don't agree with other posters who saw a need for a lot of editing for a shorter essay. There may be a few spots where you could delete a few details about two-thirds of the way through, but most of this is necessary for the development of your point--that you grew into running through an avenue you couldn't have predicted. The point is well made and the expression of the point is clear and precise.</p>
<p>I enjoyed the essay and think it will serve your purpose well. You have a strong personal voice here, and the content shows something real and important about you. What more could you ask form an essay for this purpose?</p>
<p>wjb:</p>
<p>I cannot answer categorically. My S is seriously lopsided. He is appending a long list of college courses; his ECs are few (because of the college courses) and mostly academic in nature. That's because math is his passion. That certainly comes through very clearly in his transcript and will come through in his recommendations. So, he does not want to come across as a humorless nerd who will be holed up in his room doing problem sets, only emerging for meals! </p>
<p>In the case of Raspberrysmoothie, it seems that her passions will shine through her transcript and her very impressive list of ECs and competitions. She does not need to discuss her passions further.</p>
<p>Raspberrysmoothie and my S are two students who are serious but who want to show they don't take themselves too seriously. For some students, however, a show of passion, whether for academics or extra-curricular activities, may be more valuable. I read a nice essay on juggling, for example, where the personality of the writer came through very nicely.</p>
<p>Really fun to read. It also shows that a great essay doesn't have to be about some life-changing event at all. I think that a lot of students agonize because they think they haven't been through a major life crisis and they don't realize that their everyday lives, and the way they learn from and process those challenges, provide the opportunity for wonderful writing. Thank you for posting this.</p>
<p>hilarious .</p>
<p>I'm glad this got bumped up- I hadn't yet gotten a chance to read it.</p>
<p>Raspberry, I'm willing to bet that your Dartmouth acceptance was in no small part due to your essays. If what you sent them was as good as this one, you can't fail. I really enjoyed it- partially because it was just plain good, and partially because I know EXACTLY what you're describing throughout it. Really nice work- it's almost (but not quite :)) too bad that Yale never got to read this.</p>
<p>Raspberry - kudos and a constructive (I hope) suggestion. I really liked it, and found it engaging, though a bit long (ie, I suggest you shorten a bit whether or not it meets the word limit).</p>
<p>My one suggestion - I don't think the opening paragraph is your best. To me, though it is humorous, it is a little awkward. I would re-work it because of its importance and because clearly, imho, you can do better based on the full essay.</p>
<p>It's a little late, guys. The OP was in October. ;)</p>
<p>Though I did think the essay was great.</p>
<p>Duuuhhh! And we're the ones reminding our kids to read the instructions before taking the test?? :o</p>