The Fall of The Low-Income Highly Gifted Child

Parents Forum
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<p>My Title was hyperbolic to get you to come here. It is true though. Does this mean my life is hyperbolic? No, because if you add in all the nitty-gritty it becomes settled and human-like: never hyperbolic.</p>

<p>What would have you done for your child in this case? What would you say? I am at this forum because I know that many of you are involved in some part of your children's life, I have never had that, and I think that you all could help me.</p>

<pre><code> I come from the kind of home you would say out loud as modest, but in your head would think of as being dirt poor (college has allowed me to take out loans so that I now essentially have tons of borrowed items). Me and my family moved around a bunch. We had relatively less money than other families in our 'hoods, but we were living fine really. I was always the smartest kid in my class (my parents may have never finished HS BUT they exhibit so many special things an education can't teach and I LOVE them so much), but also the quietest, the new girl. I was in one of the best school districts with children who lived in Dear mansions, and I was gifted (my mom felt like somehow she this had given her a gift too). I never had a friend in school. I ended up in NYC, this time it was just me and my mom (food stamps, basement apartment; lowest 1 percent poverty level- longing for my missing father). I stopped being the smart kid and bla bla bla. No Holy Grail specialized HS. But ALOT of experiences that I still try to block out, alot of personalities I tried on and have thrown away as masks that I claim were never mine. I daydreamed in HS, I went to lunch through half my classes. I skipped. I barely passed. I got 45s (NYC code for too many "cuts"), 55s (you came to class but were more like a crash-dummy and 65s (you passed, now get the heck outta here). I crashed Junior year; depression, recognition: I used cynicism as my new mask. Until this day I wish I could go back, continue to be the "smart" kid, create purpose.( Oh, but I know I have created so much...)
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<p>I am in my fourth year of college, and I have come such a long way!!! I am very proud of myself. But sometimes I look around in jealousy of those who at least had external stability. I don't blame my family structure and childhood on everything, but I have yet to come to terms with it. When I entered college I just wanted "A"s and I got them, that became un-challenging. For the past 2 years I have longed for a lifetime purpose, a calling, I have never had one. I was a kid who lived in an imaginary landscape (I like how we pretend people with strong imaginations manifest it to the external world and become "artists"; as I scorn it, it is what I am looking towards). I became more self-conscious as I went through elementary school; the imaginations more vivid:WHOLE new schools, friends; leprechauns. I am looking towards writing, maybe teaching, maybe photography- I am in flux. I am pretty smart, I'll admit. I have been called gifted now too. I feel that I have a very different perspective and perception of the world. I want to USE it. I have a lot of coming-to-terms with. My knowldege still needs to catch my thinking ability, if that makes sense. I am trying writing to come with terms with my life and who I am, but I am stull so much in flux.</p>

<p>So concerned parents of CollegeConfidential, what do you have to say?</p>

<p>Help me, before this gets deleted.</p>

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<p>You’re a senior in college.</p>

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<p>Am I missing something? Why would this get deleted? And why did johnwesley say, “You’re a senior in college?” And what is the question exactly?</p>

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<p>But sometimes I look around in jealousy of those who at least had external stability.</p>

<p>But those feelings to good use…Make sure that you create a lifestyle that will provide stability for your children.</p>

<p>Yes, some have had it better, but you can’t see everything looking from the outside. Some/many families may appear to have it all together, but they may have some huge “crosses to bear” that you’re unaware of. Or, they may have a future life that is full of ill health and bad fortune. </p>

<p>Look ahead…not behind. </p>

<p>Best to you. :)</p>

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<p>You are a senior. Your family income and your parents’ choices are no longer relevant to your choices.
What are you planning on doing when you graduate in four months?</p>

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<p>Many of the people whom you think came from stable homes did not. Most people don’t talk about dysfunction, abuse, etc. in their homes.</p>

<p>You’re a college senior. You’re in a great position to continue creating the kind of life that you wish for yourself. Time to let go of the past and concentrate on your present and future.</p>

<p>If you have difficulty doing this, there are free, anonymous support groups for people from dysfunctional families that you can Google and find that may be helpful for you.</p>

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<p>Congratulations- you did something many poor (financially, emotionally, support) could not do. Let me give you some advice. All of life is one big fight for survival. Many of the kids you envy won’t make it, despite having had a head start in life. Many kids who had a worse life than you will pass you by. Just remember, it’s a world of hard work- and get to it. Good luck!</p>

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<p>I don’t say this to scare you, but I believe you will find, as I have, that some of the negative effects of your upbringing will not become apparent until you are older. First you must recognize your own behavior and thought patterns, which takes time. Then you must recognize the relationship between those things and your past, which takes time. Then you must figure out how to change, which takes time.</p>

<p>So be kind to yourself and know that you are more perfect now than you once were, but not nearly as perfect as you will one day become, and that at every stage you are just what you are meant to be.</p>

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<p>I’m sorry you got that “gifted” label laid on you. It almost always does more harm than good. Life is not really about what you can do, but what you actually do. Kids that get that message mixed up often have some wandering to do before they feel grounded. I don’t think letting go of the limitations of your upbringing is really the point. If you were more connected to that, and less to an illusory sense of self, it could likely be quite a brilliant motivator.</p>

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<p>What is a question / concern? No knowing your future? Aren’t 99.99% of ppl your age do not know their future? Or more so, 9 times I was out of job I did not know my family future? I do not think I am smart enough to understand what is OP about.</p>

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<p>A wise woman once said to me, “Don’t compare your insides to someone else’s outsides.”</p>

<p>It is something we all have a tendency to do. As NSM said, many others you know have struggled with or are struggling with dysfunction that you cannot see. This is not to minimize YOUR issues at all, but to encourage you not to see yourself as damaged goods and everyone else as blithe and unscarred.</p>

<p>Trying to be aware of your response patterns, and how they have been shaped by your personal history, is a good thing. Again, it’s something we all should work on.</p>

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<p>It sounds like it would be useful to make use of your college counseling & placement services to help figure out what you can do with your talents and passions. Work with those great resources (that you are paying for with your tuition). While you’re still a student you have much more & better access to these services.</p>

<p>Good luck and congratulations on where you’ve gotten to date and the great things you will accomplish going forward!</p>

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<p>Read Angela’s Ashes, “When I look back on my childhood I wonder how I survived it all. It was, of course, a miserable childhood: the happy childhood is hardly worth your while.”</p>

<p>You will find that very few people received a “calling”. Most of us didn’t have the luxury- we had to support ourselves, so we felt lucky to find a job, then the next job, and made the best of it.</p>

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<p>A few years ago my neighbor told me her daughter was mired in doubt about what to do with her life. She was also a senior in college at the time. My neighbor said she told her daughter, “The truth is you’re going to grow up and end up working to take care of your kids like everybody else.”</p>

<p>I thought it sounded rather harsh at at the time, but she’s right. People can certainly make choices that will make them feel more satisfied with the way they spend their days, or less so, but living your life and ultimately working to take care of your kids isn’t such a bad outcome. It is what most people do, and in the end the thing that feels like the most important thing for them to do.</p>

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<p>A wise woman once said to me, “Don’t compare your insides to someone else’s outsides.”</p>

<p>Great quote…words to live by.</p>

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<p>I have read stories about people in their forties, fifties and sixties… and they still have the same questions, agony for the past and incertitude. </p>

<p>Concentrate in your last semester, getting a job and saving for the present and future. </p>

<p>Life is not perfect. Live each day of your life, learn something new, improve yourself, volunteer in something when you can.</p>

<p>See those bad thoughts pass by…don’t allow the bad memories torture you. </p>

<p>Breathe…stop and breathe. Appreciate how valuable you are…seeing the good in you. Best wishes!</p>

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<p>I think what strikes me is that you feel your childhood was remarkable (as in “really tough”). But it would not have been to my parents or grandparents at all (WW II and Depression era folks). So many of them looked forward because looking back was so awful.</p>

<p>My era has had some real boom times. It is easy to see what others have and long for the same. But we do not see what cost others are paying. </p>

<p>It is interesting that one person can struggle and deny themselves to make riches – and then share those riches with children and grandchildren so the younger generations “don’t have to struggle” – but as they do so, they do not realize that it was the struggle that made a person have tenacity, or toughness, or civility to the downtrodden. </p>

<p>You can not change the past. It has helped to shape you – but you are not finished goods just yet. How tough, how successful, how kind remains to be seen. I suggest that you focus on finding out and set aside reflections on your childhood for now. It is a swamp best understood from a distance – of about three or four decades.</p>

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<p>Hello again. Have been thinking of you as I did household tasks. Please know that college generally does a very poor job of teaching job search skills. It can be terrifying, even in good times, to make the switch from money-borrowing student to earning/paying person. </p>

<p>Please put some energy into figuring out how you will land a job and pay bills. It can be easy and very tempting to wander off into dreamland at this point in your life. A lot of people loose their way. They drift into graduate school or onto somebody’s sofa and they never really do figure out job applications, scoring rubrics, interviews, networking and all the other crafts that go into finding and landing an excellent job. Put your giftedness in that direction and, in fairly short time, you will be in a secure place – which may be part of what your heart needs.</p>

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<p>Once you’re working, earning an income, and have medical insurance – Get thee to a therapist. You’re not disturbed; that’s not what I’m suggesting – but someone who can listen and provide astute observations and comments will help you put your life-up-till-now in perspective, and turn your focus to the future.</p>

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<p>This is one of the wisest things I have ever read, and I didn’t actually internalize it until I was in my 30’s. Other people who seemingly have perfect lives have all kinds of stuff underneath the surface that you don’t know about. </p>

<p>You are a very good writer. Good luck to you. You’ll do fine.</p>