This is such an exciting time for you and Mr. R. Please don’t look for problems and try to read anything extra into your in-laws’ reactions. It sounds as if your MIL does care, just maybe in her own way. It can be a complicated situation when some family members know and others are kept in the dark. Enjoy the reveal you have planned, it sounds very cute!
My D has so far stayed home with 9 month old GD so far, though will probably be looking to go back to work soon, and is still breastfeeding on demand, though GD is also self-feeding three meals a day. So even though GD knows us and has stayed with us, with her parents, during the summer, we have found out recently that that strong attachment is making babysitting a challenge.
Our first big sit was last Friday. D and SIL were going to a concert in the city, so about six hours at least of sitting, including putting GD to bed. Everything was fine at first; we read, played, spent about an hour on dinner (that self-feeding), read some more, and then got ready for bed. D had left several pumped bottles ( which GD has taken regularly from her dad or when in car). She wrote out and walked me through the usual bedtime routine meticulously–playlist, sound machine, lights, how to put her down, what wearable blanket to use, usual position for feeding, etc. But the minute I started the routine and introduced bottle, things went downhill fast. Everything was perfect, but mom wasn’t there!
Cue an hour of on and off crying–mostly on, two loving grandparents carrying, walking, and soothing, and finally baby falling asleep on grandfather’s chest, necessitating him to stay silent in one position for two hours.
She is a sunny dispositioned child almost all the time, so this was so sad. Then, we watched her again last night, just for an hour and a half, no bedtime, but baby hadn’t napped well, so after some bookreading and a shorter dinner time, sadness descended again, woefully. All was fine when mom got home.
Hope this isn’t a pattern. We hung out together a lot in the summer and I watched her while mom and dad came and went with no trouble, but night time, even without bed time, is obviously a different show. Any tips from you more experienced grandparents?
One thing I had to learn to adapt to - follow the parents’ lead on how the child falls asleep.
I was of the ‘hold till asleep, then lay child in crib’.
DD and SIL prefer the ‘do the usual bedtime routine (diaper change, pj’s, stories, bottle, brush teeth) then place awake child in crib’, and then the hard part, if he cries, allow that for some set period of time before heading in for a reassurance hug, then awake child back to crib.
Goes against my grain, but it is what he knows and he often soothes himself back to sleep before the allotted time for recheck.
Of course the video monitor helps me see he is not injured.
Long post, @garland, to say just proceed with the usual routine, even through the crying.
Oh, I know. Like @mominva, I probably held/rocked my kids to sleep most nights when they were less than a year old, but S and DIL have a pretty set bedtime routine for GS. Similarly to your GD, @garland, bedtime includes bottle, stories, songs, and white noise machine. S and DIL introduced a bottle (breast milk mostly, sometimes formula) about an hour before bedtime early on (even though he’s still being breastfed) and on their pediatrician’s advice, had my S give him that bottle. Then, when both are home, they do the bedtime routine together but only one of them puts him down in his crib. They find that if both are there he thinks its a game to be passed back and forth between the two for kisses, etc. Also, since sometimes it’s daddy alone, he doesn’t look for mama.
I think my S giving him that bottle has helped when we babysit. It took a very long time for them to leave him before he went to bed, but DIL’s cousin’s wedding made that impossible and we did his routine alone. The first time we put him to bed he cried and cried but we watched the monitor and cringed, knowing they preferred to let him cry it out and self-soothe. Within 15-20 minutes (the longest 15 minutes in history!) he settled down, but boy that was hard.
Now, my S and DIL are back at work (she went back at 6 months) and there are nights when one or the other isn’t home by bedtime so he’s learned to be a little more flexible, in any case. Maybe if she doesn’t associate nursing with bedtime she will be more adaptable when you babysit and put her to bed. But I know it’s hard, if not impossible, to suggest changes to new parents!
We had a bath time issue last weekend. When he was previously at our house alone or with S, he loved being in the bath ring (still had it from my youngest!) and playing with his bath toys (also antiques!). Last Saturday, my DIL was here too and when we put him in the tub he cried. We realized that at home, she gets in the bath with him since they have a very deep soaking tub and it’s impossible to bathe him otherwise. In his little mind, if mama’s there, why should he bathe alone! Hard to understand what goes on in those little brains. And @garland, at least your GD self-feeds. Our GS is like a little bird. Opens his mouth readily for any incoming food but if it’s on his tray he plays with it like a toy. His fine motor skills are excellent but we think he just likes being fed! Again, who knows.
Up until a week ago, she self-fed like a bear, even though she has great fine motor skills. Finally figured out that picking up with her fingers instead of mouth makes way more sense!
Also, I don’t mind the long feeding time. Takes up time in a happy, mostly contented way.
@garland Your description sounds perfectly normal for a child who has closely bonded to her mother. (It is the exact behavior all 8 of my breastfed kids had.) My younger kids had much older siblings around all day ( bc we homeschool, they were used to being picked up and taken care of by an older sibling walking through the room) and feed them the occasional bottles, but at night time my babies still always wanted mommy. Mommy is the soothing “magic.”
Altering nighttime routines is always difficult. It sounds like your approach was the best option for a little one who felt out of sorts. Our granddaughter does the same thing with us. The only “magic” we have ever found that sometimes works is going for a drive. When they are exhausted, sometimes a drive will put them to sleep.
Thanks, folks. Truthfully, I’m sure my own would have been a challenge also, as I also breastfed, though I tapered off earlier. I just don’t want her to associate me with unhappiness!
My H thought D should have cancelled last night’s outing because of the lack of a good nap. But I disagreed because the meeting was important to D and good for her to stay involved in issues she cares about and feel like a grown-up.
D is 20 weeks along today. As Bon Jovi would say “we’re halfway there.”
@garland You granddaughter won’t associate you with unhappiness, she’ll associate you with someone who comforts her when she’s feeling unhappy.
Exactly - what @HouseChatte said! I’ve been thinking about what you said and if your D is nursing on demand and before bed, that is the routine your GD is used to…if your SIL and D are interested in having babysitting nights be less difficult, they might want to consider adapting that routine to include a bottle. If she’s going back to work any time soon your GD’s routine will need to change anyway.
My GS does not wake up from either a nap or overnight a happy camper. He screams to let us all know he’s ready to be released from his sleep sack and crib. Two weeks ago they left him with us for the weekend to go to a wedding out of state. The first morning he woke, as usual, crying hysterically and it took longer than usual to calm him down. It was the first time one of his parents wasn’t there when he woke up in the morning. He has a nanny so is used to waking up from naps without them, but not in the morning. Next morning he was fine once I released him from his crib. But it does break my heart to see tears dripping down GS’s face even though I know they go away very quickly. She knows you and your H represent love and fun, even if it doesn’t seem so at the time.
DIL went back to work a couple weeks ago. Her mom is watching GD. First day she was fussy, next day she was fine. I remember my kids being cranky with their grandparents for various things (feeding, night time routine, hair styling, etc…) but it worked out.
Thanks, @HouseChatte ! That really does make me feel a whole lot better! <3
Babies also go through phases, including stranger anxiety around 9 months. I’m not sure how old your Grandbaby is, but that may also have something to do with it. Even though you are familiar, you are not mom. And speaking of which - DD due on Sunday. We’re on tenterhooks here!!! Come on grandbaby!
Bingo, @anxiousmom. She is nine months, plus a couple weeks.
AND…still waiting on grandbaby. This overdue stuff sucks!! Doctor will induce after she hits 41 weeks plus 2 days.
I’m a great aunt again! My nephew and his wife had their third boy yesterday – they now have three four and under. He was 9lb, 1 oz. They induced a week early after complications last time around. Poor niece-in-law has been afflicted with the curse on my side of the family – big babies! Mom and babe are doing great, I have a quilt in progress.
I’m taking care of granddaughter today and Monday. She is, of course, brilliant and wonderful. Nevertheless, I am reminded of why I hightailed it back to work 35 and 30 years ago.
@anxiousmom one of my sons is an end-of-year baby and was overdue. Doc offered to induce me for the tax break.
My niece is due 12/31! Wonder if she has thought about the tax deduction!
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