The Mystery Revealed! A bit of levity and insight--I hope.

Prep School Admissions Prep School Parents
1

In my recent post, “When bad admissions decisions happen to good students,” I suggested that my second daughter was the sort of applicant who possessed a “certain something extra” that was “essentially indefinable.” I suppose I was being coy, there, as the last thing I wanted to do was shamelessly brag about my own kid.

But then it occurred to me that some parents might actually want to know exactly what such a kid is like. So now I present “Fefe’s Five C’s of Favorability.”

  1. Charisma

@makp715 hit it on the head. A fatal charisma is an undeniable part of the package. I can recall staring at my daughter for minutes on end, my mouth ajar in utter wonderment, as she sat in her little highchair. She was so astoundingly cute and precious that at times I found myself gripped by the urge to eat her right up! Yet at other times I beheld something shockingly different–namely, a visage “whose frown, And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command” seemed to proclaim: “‘My name is Ozymandias, queen of queens: Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!’” (With apologies to my beloved Percy Bysshe Shelley.)

It was eerie! Who is this kid? I wondered. Where did she come from? This can’t be my kid! Five hundred times I asked my wife to reveal the name of this child’s true father, to no avail. Soon I became victim to all manner of fevered fantasy: Was my child switched at birth? Is this an alien from outer space? Is this child…possessed?–and is there such a thing as a non-denominational exorcism? Believe me, this was one special monkey.

As it turned out, others saw something special in this youngster, too. And many people–not all, but many–continue to find her utterly fascinating. It’s as if they become love sick. One poor woman at her last school (who is not a teacher) couldn’t stop hugging her. My wife and I were afraid that at any moment the kid was going to vanish, and all that would be left were a couple of strands of her hair protruding from the corner of this woman’s mouth!

It’s a gift. The child has an aura about her that makes her irresistible. People simply adore this kid!

  1. Competitiveness

I’ve never met a more competitive individual than my daughter. In fact, it is her fiery, unrelenting competitiveness that most distinguishes her from her merely highly competitive sister. Whatever the activity–academic, athletic, social–if score is being kept or honors handed out, this kid wants to finish in the money.

And she takes no prisoners. I saw it in her first year of local youth league basketball when she was nine years old: in her first ever practice, she identified the best, most committed girl on the team and made it her business to outshine her. And notwithstanding that she had never played basketball before, through force of sheer competitive will she managed over the course of the season to elevate her play to this girl’s level and assume leadership of the team. No matter what she’s doing, she simply refuses to be outdone.

My daughter thrives on competition, and is never happier than when she is locked into a competitive moment–it is simply who she is. She wants to play the game the right way, and that means giving her all and playing to win.

Of course, this sort of competitiveness can have it’s, uh, occasional downside. Suffice it to say that in our house, sibling rivalry has sometimes taken on the trappings of a blood sport.

  1. Clubbability

This child has a hunger for social interaction that knows no bounds. Whereas my firstborn will happily stay in her room rather than hang with people she doesn’t care for, number two will make the best of any given social situation, always managing to put together a “squad” of loyal friends. She loves people and will not hesitate to walk up to strangers and introduce herself. I can’t help but think that there has never been a child better suited to the boarding school experience, and especially the daily give and take of the dorm life.

Part of her success in social settings derives from what I can only call her sixth sense: she has the ability to walk into a roomful of people and immediately get a handle on the social dynamic. Give her a photo of a group of kids, and she can instantly identify the role each kid plays in the group hierarchy. As a founding member of the A.A.S.C. (American Society of the Socially Clueless), I find my daughter’s instinctive ability to read and understand others to be her most valuable asset.

These skills seem to have come to full fruition this year in unexpected fashion. In the first weeks of school, she managed to set up her roommate with a boy–the ninth grade’s first official coupling–and since then she has become the go-to person for ninth-grade introductions. Presenting…my daughter the matchmaker! She has dozens of friends to draw upon–even some tenth graders–and it keeps her busy. Recently a boy came to her with a list of six girls he was interested in; my daughter was already working on matching-up five of them! She has been called upon to dispense so much advice, that at this point she could probably fill in for Dear Abby. This kid is a born “fixer” and is never happier than when things around her are spinning slightly out of control.

I have to believe that through these matchmaking activities she is learning a lot about working closely with others. In fact, I would almost go so far as to say that academics is what she does when she’s taking a break from her education!

[continued at PART TWO]

2

At some boarding schools, particulatly the most competitve ones, this personality type is sought after and such students thrive, excel, and lead, as you describe. With that said, I can think of several other BS who might see such a kid as disruptive to the community experience they offer. Those are the schools that are discouraging kids from framing every experience as a competition with others.

You clearly found the right place for her, and this is an excellent example of that thing called “fit”. But being that person, the charismatic competitor, is not auto-entry into every school out there; just a subset. I’d hate for parents to read this and feel that a fabulous kid without the sparkle and drive yours has is doomed. It simply isn’t so!

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  1. Capacity

My daughter has and outsized hunger for life and the energy to match. She wants to be in the middle of everything, to be where the action is, to do it all. Besides participating in various clubs and service organizations, she availed herself of the opportunity to represent her last school at a regional conference. On top of that, she was one of the premier actresses in her class, and participated in just about every theatrical production open to her. Of course, the admissions office at her last school told her she was the best student tour guide, based on feedback from touring parents. And she plays three sports. And if that weren’t enough, last year she took an intensive school-sponsored course that resulted in her becoming a licensed Emergency Medical Responder in the state of Connecticut.

This constant zest for involvement builds on itself. Since she has proven herself a capable individual and is frequently in the public eye, she is continually offered new assignments and opportunities. Whether it’s setting up chairs for a performance, taking photos and videos of events for the school, or posing for the cover of the school’s view book–when called upon to participate, the kid steps up. This year she chose to participate in the making of her school’s congratulatory video for admitted students. Wouldn’t you know it, she’s front and center in that, too.

Recently a teacher who had to miss a day of classes sent out the following email to his ninth-grade students: “Trevor will be Physics Team Captain during F-block. [My daughter] will be captain for E-block. Do what they say, especially when they tell you to complete the assignment on wave and electrostatics review. *** See you Thursday”

“So why did he choose you?” I asked my daughter. She matter-of-factly answered, “Because when I’m not the one causing the trouble, I’m stopping the trouble.”

  1. Confidence

Among all her various personal qualities, her astounding confidence is the one that truly stands out. This kid is so sure of herself that it can leave one almost feeling woozy and disoriented. She seems to be utterly fearless, even going toe-to-toe as a ten-year-old with adults in our community who, in her mind, weren’t according her proper respect.

Let me not forget that as a sixth-grader she seemed to inspire a certain irrational defensiveness in a couple of her younger, less secure teachers–so sometimes confidence has worked against her. There is simply no question that she is poised and self-possessed to the point of inspiring self-doubt in others. To cite one astonishing example, I witnessed the head of her last school sheepishly ask if she had “done something wrong,” when she noticed a rare peevish look on my daughter’s face across the lunch table. And her current advisor observed that one always knows where one stands with my daughter, as you can see it written not-so-subtly across her features.

This confidence has been of inestimable benefit in her interviews. Yet, as all interviews are a two-way street, not all of them were memorable. But the good ones were truly great. I recall one interviewer coming to fetch her in the waiting room: the rapport was instantaneous, as if they were two old friends catching up. My daughter reported that the interview was seamless and effortless, unfolding with nary a slip or hesitation.

Another interviewer seemed to read her confidence as “maturity,” telling us that our thirteen-year-old “has the maturity of an eleventh-grader.” Of course, that might just be admissions officer code for "Congratulations, your kid just did a twenty minute interview without once saying the work ‘like’!

The Take-Away

Here’s the real kicker: according to my daughter, THERE ARE MANY, MANY KIDS AT HER SCHOOL JUST LIKE HER. Obviously, you don’t need these attributes to gain acceptance to a top boarding school. But it would certainly appear that they help. Good luck to all!

4

@gardenstategal, you have provided a thoughtful and eloquent qualification to the portrait of boarding school life that I painted. Yes, not all schools are the way I described. And I can see how my observations on my daughter’s competitiveness might give some people pause. Actually, I believe she manages to always find suitable avenues of expression for her competitiveness, and I would be lying if I denied that she, too, has her softer, more soulful side.

My kid reminds me of something I once read about Baltimore Orioles hall-of-famer Cal Ripkin, who is apparently happily competitive 24/7. Sure, my daughter is competitive on the field and on the ice, but she’s also the prototypical cooperator and collaborator–just as Ripkin and anyone else who plays a team sport would have to be. Moreover, I can say with no small measure of relief that for all her competitiveness, my child appears to be unfailingly honest and fair. She doesn’t push people around, and the proof is in the affection that others seem to feel for her.

Nonetheless, I believe there are certain fields of endeavor where such competitiveness makes the difference between success and failure. No one gets to the top of fields such as law, business, sports, show business, or politics without a seemingly single-minded drive to do their best, to take their talents as far as they will go. Part of that, of course, is a certain resiliency in the face of obstacles and opposition–and for me, and I believe for my daughter, such stick-to-itiveness in the face of difficulty is the best part of the competitive spirit.

And, not to needlessly defend my own kid, but I think we have to be clear that we didn’t try to fool or mislead anyone as to who she is when she applied to schools. I essentially related the same information contained in my post in my statements to the schools. Of course, she also provided evidence in her application of her principled, compassionate side–indeed, she received an award at her last school for that sort of behavior, too. So, if we can presume that admissions people aren’t easily fooled and usually get the kids that they want, I’d say the proof is in her multiple admissions.

And there’s no denying that my daughter’s school has, at least in the not too distant past, self-consciously endeavored to train an elite, to mold tomorrow’s leaders. And I believe there is no denying that almost all of the kids at her school are pretty competitive. I hear stories of kids who are so intent on getting top grades that they devote every spare minute to their studies–even if it means telling another kid that they have no time for them. My daughter suggests that there is a 'quiet" competitiveness that pervades the campus. And in a world where jobs and resources are limited, how can ambitious people afford not to be competitive?

I figured my two earlier posts about “bad admission decisions” and Lawrenceville had set the stage for the portrait I painted of my daughter. I was trying to give a real life example of a kid who is living the “relational” ideal that Lawrenceville trumpets. I was also hoping to provide some insight to those parents who are disappointed when somehow their hard-studying but retiring child is passed over by the flashy schools. And, of course, what my child brings to the table is only one example of the varied talents and aptitudes that top applicants possess in addition to their academic smarts. And have no doubt that virtually every kid at her school is exceptional is some way.

@twinsmama: You responded: “And not every child who gets into a good school is outside the bounds of ‘normal,’ whatever that is, and not every child likely to be a high achiever - in school or in life - is accepted.” Yes, I agree with everything you say. Regarding my “normal” comment in my “bad admissions decisions” post, forgive me for perhaps being a bit too playful. And I have to confess that, sadly, I’m not smart enough to be original. I got some help, once again, from Shamus Khan’s “Privilege”:

“Another teacher [at St. Paul’s] summed it up a little more bluntly: 'Our students are not normal students.” (159)

I think it’s pretty clear that what this teacher is saying is that these kids are not simply normal–they are extraordinary. And extraordinary kids need schools, too. I have to believe that most parents here who have kids at one of the “big name” schools would have to admit that their own child is pretty special–and probably at least a little competitive. And for those who say “my child is only competitive with him or herself,” I’d respectfully remind them that while such a perspective has its theoretical appeal, no person exists in a vacuum. Sadly, many of the rewards in our society are acquired in a zero-sum game. For every person who goes to the top, another sinks just a little bit in the process.

5

I haven’t smoked a cigarette in years… but right now I’m thinking about grabbing my keys and heading to the nearest convenience store.

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On second thought… just take me out to the barn and shoot me.

It’s faster. :wink:

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My kids are more ordinary than extraordinary. Same can be said for many of their classmates & friends who I’ve fortunately gotten to know well. Great kids in many ways, bright, above average, but extraordinary rarely came to mind.

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Extraordinary is often in the eyes of the beholder, especially where one’s children are involved. I’m not sure how it’s spelled but it’s pronounced confirmation bias.

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Nope. Not going to go there. Sitting on my hands. [-(

10

Here’s the thing. The “big name” schools are often those that are highly selective in admission. Let’s say when 85%+ of applicants are rejected, the ones that are admitted need to have something to stand out (how else can AOs do their job?). So arguably you can say there’s something extradinary in every kid admitted to these schools but I don’t think describing every such kids as extradinary individuals is accurate. After all, that something extradinary could be the music instrument one plays that the school band needs or belonging to a very underrepresented group the school is seeking to expand in their student body - on top of qualifiable but may not be extradinary everything else. Another thought is that competitiveness in admission is not just a number game. It has something to do with from where and what kind of applicants a said school is drawing. The tiny but super expensive day school in my neighborhood has a low admit rate but I know it simply attracts a lot of same kind of kids from a few zip codes.

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And to not inadvertently introduce another bias, the examples of “something extradinary” I mentioned earlier when combined with other qualifications CAN make an individual extradinary. So hypothetically, if a member of an URM has overcome many obstacles and achieved the admirable albeit not extradinary academic qualification for the school then this is an extradinary kid we are talking about.

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My DD is outwardly very humble but inwardly ultra competitive. You just don’t know it when you interact with her. She can read and play a situation as she sees fit. I guess she’s a closet competitor.

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I think schools also like Cinderella stories - they like spotting “potential” and helping these kids become their best selves. They like taking the kid who has the misfortune of being stuck in less than ideal circumstances and seeing what they will do when they have the resources. Teachers will take the kind quirky kid who is eager to learn over the bored superstar every time. Yes they need the star athletes, the mathathletes etc, but in the end, schools also pick the kids that they think the community will enjoy having around- a very under appreciated “hook.” I have heard AOs express this to me at more than 1 school. It’s a very big box that each school is looking to fill and out of the ordinary comes in dozens of flavors.

My daughter was one of those kids wait listed everywhere, but once she arrived on campus she grew into an incredible leader, so much so that she turned down being team captain because she was already directing the school play, running 2 committees, an RA etc. Obviously there was nothing on her application at age 13 that jumped out and said pick me! Her friends at bs had published 2 novels, played professional sports, helped cure diseases! you name it, but some of these same kids were shy and awkward too. She is now at a top 20 university where 3/4s of the students are pre-professional and the thing she likes the least (at a school she likes very much) is the undercurrent of competition between the students - she had never experienced that at her BS. Pressure cookers do more to inhibit success than support it imho.

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There are schools that want to create “captains of industry”. Others are more interested in creating “citizens of the world”. I think that often, a different type of kid is drawn to each. No less bright, but driven in different ways. More than a few kids will do fine in either environment but there are some who squarely belong in one. Personally, I think extraordinary exists at both ends of the range. And absolutely, there are fields in which competitive drive will determine success. There are others where it is quite possibly a liability. My point was that there is a place for all types in school and in life.

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I think part of the issue here is that many of the parents on this board hail from elite communities, from the affluent suburbs and big cities. In those places many kids are, as Garrison Keillor says, “above average.” So, I can understand that some of you don’t see anything all that extraordinary in some of the kids who attend the top boarding schools. After all, your communities have many such kids.

I suppose one could say I live in a more “diverse” community here in rural America. I don’t see too many preppy kids in the local supermarket. The kids I see have a lot of tattoos. Recently my elder daughter had a few local friends over. These boys had cow and pig blood on their clothes. One of them lives to go fishing.

My ninth grader gets four hours of homework a night at boarding school. She competes in an academic community where some kids apparently stay up all night studying. They have big aspirations, so they willingly push themselves to the point of exhaustion, and beyond.

I have a feeling the kids in these parts don’t study quite so hard. I wonder how many hours of homework the kids who mess with pills or heroin at our local public school get done. A friend of my elder daughter’s recently died of an overdose. They buried him on the farm.

The kids of the Mexican migrant farm workers, who enter school speaking only Spanish, are among the academic elite at this school. The lucky kids who grow up here eventually make it out of this county. Many others just end up hanging around until something breaks their way–if it ever does. Of course, there’s always the opportunity to deal drugs.

I once phoned the admissions office of my alma mater liberal arts college and spoke to the fellow who covers my area. He had never heard of the local high school here. It’s no wonder, as it seldom sends a kid to a liberal arts college. Most of the kids here, if they even go to college, attend community college. Some highly motivated others head off to regional colleges and universities. Ivy League schools don’t even come up in the conversation.

I suppose extraordinary kids are, in fact, in the mind of the beholder. But some of you might benefit from ranging a bit farther afield to check out how the other half lives. You might be surprised to learn just how extraordinary your kids are.

As my elder daughter told me, “The difference between the kids who go to elite boarding schools and the kids around here are too great to even put into words.”

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I think there are 40% of the kids that are swappable and even though they have solid credentials, they do not have to stand out above the 85% that were not accepted. They just have to get close and then get lucky.

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@laenen AOs don’t play lotteries. They need “a reason” to accept or reject. That reason is not always clear to outsiders and can be interpreted as pure luck. It’s unlikely though in small communities like boarding schools’ in particular.

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@panpacific At some point, there is a sizable amount of the students selected for BS (and Ivy league) where there is not a discernible difference between the one that is selected and the one that is wait listed. I believe that % is not a trivial %.

To believe that AO’s can come up with a “reason” for all the selected candidates is crazy. There is too many variables to even remotely come to a reason for all 100%. There are probably 60% give or take 10% that true stand-outs among the application pool and then there are a bunch of others that look really similar. Those that are selected out of that pool had luck on their side that day.

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@laenen None of us here are AOs, but from what I’ve learned, AOs do spend a lot of time deliberating the border line cases, i.e. who goes to admit or waitlist piles. They each present applicants they advocate, then they discuss/debates the merits of each applicant and find that reason or a combination of reasons to accept one vs another. Whether it’s a usual suspect of hook or something the school community needs just a little more, that something extradinary gets one in. The more selective a school is, the more close calls there are undersradably - could it get to the degree of being close to the luck of the day as you said? Maybe.

20

@panpacific – I am not an AO but I have been in a ton of those meetings. Anyone that has to sort employees for ratings understand this process. Yes most everyone agrees on the 1’s and most everyone agrees on the 5’s but the middle gets very squishy.

When you look at the variability of the schools, references, the interview (which are not all done by the same person), the essay’s etc. There is too much variability and subjectivity. At some point the candidates in the middle are indistinguishable. Smart, personable, good looking, enrichment, yada yada yada.

The AO’s may believe they are making a very painstaking decision The parents would like to believe that their child has something that very few children have. But in reality, there has to be a sizable % at the bottom that are selected that really could have gone either way.

2 years in a row, I filled out the identical app for USNA Summer Stem program. It is a highly selective program. The first year he was denied. The second year was selected. Identical apps. No interviews. No tests. Nothing “subjective”. And even though he applied for rising 9th grader both years, he got different results.

Here is an awesome article about Yale’s admission process. I suspect the top BS to be very much like this.

https://mathwithbaddrawings.com/2015/09/30/why-ive-stopped-doing-interviews-for-yale/