The other side of the coin

Parent Cafe
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<p>While my daughter is contemplating all of the wonderful opportunities she has available, we are both trying to help a friend of hers who does not have many choices at all.</p>

<p>Her friend is the middle child of a single parent family. They met in middle school--a gifted program in our local public schools. Even then her friend was the most responsible kid I knew, getting up at 5:30 a.m. to get her siblings ready for school after her mother left for work. When she needed to get to activities, it was up to her to find a ride--her mother expected a 3 day advance notice. But that didn't stop her. She was involved in sports, student government, community service, everything possible. When she wasn't babysitting, she was busy doing something.</p>

<p>When high school arrived, she had to return to her home district--a gritty, inner city school where just a month ago gunfire erupted in the hallways. We offered to have her come and live with us to allow her to attend a different high school where my daughter and most of the other classmates were going, but her mother needed her at home to take care of the other children.</p>

<p>She still made her way. Freshman year she was a straight A student, played 3 sports, (all conference in one), president of her class, in orchestra and band, etc. Sophomore year her grades began to drop. Taking care of the younger children (her 3 stepbrothers/sisters came to live with her mother when her father and his new wife took off and disappeared for a couple of years leaving no one to care for them) and the family upheaval as well as the lack of academic motivation in the school environment started eating at her. She took on a part time job at 15 when her mother suffered an accident at work and was temporarily disabled so that she could help with expenses. </p>

<p>Through it all, she continued with an optimism few in this situation would have. She was still active in sports (3 varsity sports each year), Class president all four years, scholastic bowl team, Key Club, etc. Every time I saw her, she would promise me that she was going to do better in school--her grades had dropped to a B average. We would talk about college and my daughter and I invited her along on college visits. Over Christmas break I made her come over and fill out applications. At spring break she let me know that she is back on the honor roll.</p>

<p>Last week I found out that this wonderful, ambitious girl is no longer living at home. Her mother "kicked" her out. She is living at a friend’s house trying to finish school while working two part time jobs. On Friday I drove her to visit the only state school she applied to, a tier 4 institution but probably the only one she will be able to afford. We had a long talk on that five hour drive. She is facing the future knowing that she has no one but herself to depend on--her father wandering in and out of her life and her mother pushing her out because she refuses to abandon her dad. On that trip we talked about her life, her situation, her goals. She doesn’t blame her mom. She realizes that her mom had a rough time and is only reacting to her experiences. On the other hand, she said that she doesn’t want to grow bitter like her mother has. But working two jobs and completing school are wearing her down. Still she knows that it is on her shoulders alone to gather up the money she will need to continue her education.</p>

<p>I am working with her to complete paperwork for another school where she applied—the GC at her high school never got around to sending in the letter of recommendation. This school is probably a better option for her, size wise and academically, and is a place that she really loved when we visited there. And the school told me that they would still accept her if she gets this last document in—soon.</p>

<p>I just wanted to share this story because it makes me sad and angry and frustrated all at the same time. While I will try to keep her focused on the future, she has a tough road ahead. I will try to help keep her from giving up.</p>

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<p>Boy, this child sounds special. It sure seems that she should be able to get some good financial packages, given her circumstances. Maybe you can help her present her case to the financial aid office once she has all her acceptances. She would probably need to document that she is living on her own and that her father and mother are unable to pay. You are her angel.</p>

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<p>Thank you for doing what you are doing. You are a good person. I am guessing that once she is in a safe place, even though she has to work hard her options with open up. </p>

<p>This girl sounds like the kind, once given a chance, will go far. </p>

<p>As an aside, once you are done with the school, is to say something about the GC. No matter how busy, not getting in the recommendation was inexcusable. </p>

<p>Good luck...and it is so nice to hear about people helping each other.</p>

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<p>This story makes me hopeful and happy-- because there are people like you in the world who really care for others and extend yourself to help them. You have done a wonderful thing.</p>

<p>If you ever read Angela's Ashes, it was a great illustration of how one person can really be the ray of hope a child needs to survive an opressive environment and go on to a great life.</p>

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<p>Wow...I definitely can relate to this. </p>

<p>I am a junior in high school, probably more analogous to your own child (from what I can tell) and my best friend sounds so similar to this girl. In elementary school, we competed. She was better at math, I was better at english. We both had huge dreams.</p>

<p>However, once high school hit, things changed. We were both accepted at a good prep school...but her parents would not let her go because they wanted her to attend the same public/inner city school as her brothers. They had the money to send her to the academy I attend. </p>

<p>I missed her and our friendship has been hurt by this. She had to start a job, her dad left, her mom's bf moved in with kids and animals that she needs to take care of...its horrible. I mean, she has stayed positive. </p>

<p>Now, as I approach senior year, it is really hard to talk to her about college. I don't know. My mom wants to help her out because her mom could really care less. </p>

<p>This post was really good, thanks. </p>

<p>(sorry if this has spelling/grammar errors...I am very tired.)</p>

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<p>Lp5, Thank God she has you (and your daughter's friendship) to help and guide her. That is a very sad story, and I truly hope things work out for her. She sounds like an amazing girl.</p>

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<p>Lp5:</p>

<p>what redr002 said. I also think that if she wants to take a gap year, she could re-apply to some top colleges that would give her a full ride based on what you wrote.Of course, the GC would have to play ball.
She sounds like an amazing person, and so do you.</p>

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<p>"We offered to have her come and live with us to allow her to attend a different high school "</p>

<p>If your offer still holds why don't you try to arrange for her to repeat her senior year at your daughter's high school? I don't make this suggestion lightly as it would take an enormous commitment on your family's part, but it sounds like you have an emotional investment already -- and she is so needy and deserving.</p>

<p>Marite said it well: She sounds like an amazing person, and so do you.</p>

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<p>Lp75 - it is absolutely wonderful what you are doing right now to help this girl. I'm wondering - would the college that is waiting on the GC's letter accept a letter from YOU? You are not a teacher, but you are an unrelated adult who knows the situation -- I mean, I think if you would just cut & paste the sections of your post talking about the girls years in high school, there would be a letter that says it all. </p>

<p>I do want to say one thing: that girl will do well for herself wherever she goes. She may very well be able to start out at the state college that did accept her, and transfer to a much better college in a year or two - certainly she should keep that option in mind. But no matter where she ends up, she has already demonstrated her grit, determination, & ability to succeed against all odds. College will seem easy to her by comparison to high school, since she won't have all those siblings to look after. </p>

<p>So I think that you are a huge help just being there for her, whether or not she is able to go to a different college. I disagree with momrath's suggestion that she live with you and repeat her last year of high school, partly because I feel that this girl clearly is mature enough to move on, but mostly because I think the farther away she is from her mother, the better. I think that if she stuck around, some family "crisis" might come up with one of the siblings that would result in her mother asking her to come back home to pitch in and lend a hand -- or the frantic, needy call might come from one of the siblings. The mother might also get the idea that once she graduates, her daughter somehow owes it to her to work full time and contribute to the family. So the fact that it is a 5 hour drive to get to the low-quality state school is a good thing in this situation.</p>

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<p>I think that what you are doing for the girl is wonderful.
In reading your post, I am very concerned that the girl will not have money to go to a four-year college now. It will be very difficult for her to get financial aid because she's not only applying very late in the cycle, but also her parents aren't likely to be very cooperative about filing the paperwork.</p>

<p>I strongly suggest that you help her look at local community colleges. Given her gpa and work ethic, she may qualify for some excellent merit aid there. She could do 2 years at a community college then transfer to a 4-year state public university.</p>

<p>Many state public universities have wonderful relationships with their state communnity college, and may even have excellent scholarships for transfer students from those colleges.</p>

<p>Doing this also would help her avoid crippling loan debt. With such lack of support from her family, she needs to do whatever she can to avoid going into major debt for college. The $20 k in loans that the average college student takes out would be IMO too high for her since she can't count on her family's help for things like housing, getting a car, etc.</p>

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<p>Another suggestion- employment assistance which will likely be necessary-and could benefit with health insurance and tuition assistance as well. The hospital where I work employs many young students as pharmacy techs, pt. care aids, unit secretaries, etc. and I know that they get a decent amount of tuition reimbursement and don't make bad money - big plus is FLEXIBLE scheduling. Just a thought.</p>

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<p>Just to let you know how things may work out - my friend had a similar situation during high school & college. She basically raised her 4 siblings because her father walked out and her mother suffered from a myriad of chronic illnesses. She worked at least 2 jobs while in school, along with housework and siblings. She went to a local state school for college, living at home. She wanted to be a doctor, but didn't get into med school. She got into to a highly ranked graduate school and got a PhD in molecular biology (again holding down at least 2 jobs during the entire time). (BTW, momnipotent, she was a unit secretary and a blood bank tech for the reasons you mention.) She never gave up on her med school dream, and continued to apply even as she was getting her doctorate. The first few times, her essays said "I know I didn't do very well in college, but I was working two jobs and raising four kids." The last essay said "Despite needing to work two jobs and take care of a household of six, including four younger siblings, I was able to maintain a B average in college." Turning the same facts from an excuse into a positive statement about her abilities did the trick - she got into our state medical school. She now is an internist with a wonderful practice and two great sons. (And her four sibs are all gainfully employed in professional or military positions; several are married with children and all doing well - so much for beating the odds!) </p>

<p>With someone like you in her corner, I have no doubt that your daughter's friend will also blossom.</p>

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<p>Lp75, what a wonderful, hopeful, heartbreaking story. My immediate family was solidly middle class, but I come from a poor area, and a poor background, so I knew and my Mom taught, many students starting out with those kinds of strikes against them. Mama always said something very wise "they don't do better, because they don't know how to do better".
Financial assistance aside, LP, you can be such a support to this child as a mentor, kids in her circumstances sometimes don't know about the deadlines, or that financial aid exists, she may need advice on how to support the siblings while she is at school. Simple things even like how to dress and present yourself on an interview, even if the clothes are secondhand - all that stuff. What a super gift you can give her.</p>

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<p>Chevda- wow..........great story!! Lp75-thanks for all that you do.</p>

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<p>wow: you yourself are an amazing individual to help out this girl. Bless you and your family.</p>

<p>Perhaps some of our parent legal beagles could chime in, but I would think that she could become imanciapated, and thus qualify for finaid, no? A local legal aid/services could be of assitance in filing the paperwork. (Also, check out Nolo Press for self-help legal books.) I second the idea of a gap year, or post-grad senior year. The extra time will enable her to become legally independent and find a new GC who actually does his/her job for a government paycheck.</p>

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<p>LP-75 -- you really are a guardian angel for this girl! Your kindness will come back to you in many ways as you see her life moving in a better direction. I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that a 4th tier college is such a bad option. If her high school prep has been sketchy, she may have holes in her background that would be easier to fill at such a school. Also, the emancipation idea seems to be worth pursuing.</p>

<p>Another thought -- sometimes, it can take a couple of generations to change the path for a family. My parents immigrated to this country a few months before I was born. My brother and 2 older sisters were born elsewhere, and my parents were not educated beyond the age of 15 or so. Yet, they had goals for their kids which revolved around education (which was only available to the wealthier class in their country). My older siblings and I each attended and graduated from differenct campuses of the U of CA (not UCLA or Berkeley). The youngest had a great GC and was able to attend a better private school with full aid. It was always understood that we had to find a way to pay for our own education, and we did.</p>

<p>While I was able to obtain a degree, my kids definitely have better options. Though my parents passed away 12 years ago, I believe they would get a HUGE kick out of the schools to which their grandson has been accepted. They could never have imagined it!</p>

<p>For this girl, just getting a degree will make a huge difference in her life, as discussed in the thread about the value of getting a degree vs not getting one. What she needs is someone to guide her on the steps to take and the sense that someone believes in her -- she's got you!!!</p>

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<p>
[quote]
Of course, the GC would have to play ball.

[/quote]
Haven't had a chance to read the whole thread, but just wanted to pipe in on one logistical matter. There are some similarities to my gS situation; he is not the academic nor personal "star" that OP's friend is, but he suffered some of the same lack of support and guidance and some, less intense, family dysfunction (he will be going to UNH this year with us having helped him in the same way OP is helping this v special girl). gS took a "gap" year, by default. His GC was minimally helpful - got his package in to one of the schools he applied to, but not the other. Rec never made it. At the last minute when rec was not there, UNH decided they'd rather have one more current - ie, from his employer, anyway. gS got in. So, if GC is useless, you may be able to get around it if she does take that gap year. My experience is that the admissions offices (at least we were lucky) want to "be there" for these types of kids.</p>

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<p>Lp, I will keep this girl in my prayers but she sounds like she has enough grit to come out ahead in life --- especially with caring folks like you lending a hand and an ear.</p>

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<p>I haven't had much of a chance to keep up with this thread today, but I finally got back and read all of your comments. I just wanted to say "thank you" for your kind thoughts, prayers, encouraging stories and suggestions. I don't feel I am doing much more than any one of you would in the same situation. </p>

<p>I did finally call her GC to find out if she had sent the recommendation. She said my daughter's friend had asked her, but hadn't supplied her with the form so she hadn't completed it yet. (she was given the form in December, but misplaced it) So I contacted the college and they told me how to find it on their web site. I downloaded it and faxed the form to the counselor. Tomorrow I call the school to see if she finally sent it!</p>

<p>I did find out in my conversation with the GC that my daughter's friend has not let on that she no longer lives at home. The high school believes everything is just fine.</p>

<p>While she will probably go to the school that results in the smallest financial burden, I just think getting another acceptance at a school she really likes may be a boost in her morale. Plus, who knows what the financial aid package might be like. We could all be surprised.</p>

<p>Thanks again.</p>

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<p>You are an angel. keep us posted on how things progress for her.</p>