<p>“Wonder if that includes keeping flakes at extreme arm’s length, ending friendships with those who burned myself or friends/family, and refusing any subsequent requests from said flakes for assistance.”</p>
<p>LOL Cobrat! Yes, it can. As long as you do it all without malice in your heart out of self-preservation. You don’t have to be ugly or even angry to protect yourself.</p>
<p>Some small performing groups I know (where it matters bigtime if one doesn’t show) meet together 2 hours before a perfomance for a quick snack and practice. If you no-show the gathering, you are considered a no-show for the event, and they get a replacement. First a temporary one for the event, and then a permanent one. Most of them have a friend that can muddle through one performance.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>And considering the ratio of extremely talented musicians to available jobs, probably someone absolutely thrilled to be there.</p>
<p>Just read a PM where someone pointed out that I was on the cusp of 1000 posts. I just noticed I crossed the threshold. I suddenly feel like this is not necessarily a good thing…does this mean I have no life? :D</p>
<p>nottelling, you must have the patience of Job. I could never function in an environment that required me to go to such lengths to get my job done.</p>
<p>D will see two other profs during their office hours on Friday–she feels given the circumstances (needing the LOR to be expedited and explaining why), an email request is not the way to go. Not sure I agree, but this is her party. Meanwhile, she has no idea if the original prof ever submitted the LOR on Wednesday, because 1) the portals at the various schools don’t update that quickly (and phone calls don’t really get anywhere) and 2) the woman did not respond to D’s email or voicemail message all day. I doubt the prof did anything. And yes, I think she’s a horrible person, and no, I have no forgiveness for her, as I believe forgiveness must be earned through showing true remorse and offering to help set things right.</p>
<p>Some have indicated that no professor has an obligation to provide LOR’s, that it’s not part of their job, but I really disagree with that view. I feel it truly is part of the job to provide a positive LOR in a timely fashion whenever the prof 1) feels he or she can honestly recommend the individual, 2) has been provided with any necessary background info, 3) has been given adequate time to comply, and 4) doesn’t have some impediment to getting it done. And in the last case, it would also be part of the job to promptly inform the student of the problem. Grad schools, internship programs and the like insist upon LOR’s; the whole system would break down if no one felt they had to cooperate. And no prof would have achieved the degree that allows him to teach if he himself hadn’t been able to get LOR’s. So I don’t see providing an LOR as granting a favor. It’s more of an obligation to one’s students to enable them to continue their educations, even if it doesn’t appear explicitly in anyone’s job description. (I have no clue if profs even have formal job descriptions.)</p>
<p>Regarding the request to disclose the name of the professor—I don’t think that’s appropriate, but once this has all settled down, if anyone has a kid who needs a recommendation from an AU prof, just PM me the name, and I’ll be happy to let you know if the student is taking a big risk. BTW, in fairness I should say that D thought the world of this prof as a teacher–I guess that’s why D was so willing to take her at her word multiple times.</p>
<p>What exactly is the deadline for the LOR? The wording of the OP made it sound like it had passed and the applicant would be denied admission to a grad program due to an incomplete application, but with the continued quest for the LOR, through April 4, makes it sound like the deadline is upcoming, since she will not approach the other professors with the LOR request until Friday (almost a week after this thread was started). This is confusing, mommaj. Can you clarify?</p>
<p>The other strange thing in this thread is that it was stated that the student was a Freshman.</p>
<p>Student is a senior. But I did mention that I thought all freshmen should be given guidance about developing relationships with profs from the get go. Is that what you’re referring to?</p>
<p>One deadline is April 15; the other schools have rolling admissions–but as the days “roll” by and classes get filled, I have to assume the chances for admission decrease. As I might have mentioned, D’s current university may serve as a “safety” for her–the department has shown interest in her, and I suspect they will be more forgiving of a late recommendation, especially since she has a contact there with whom she can discuss her difficulties.</p>
<p>Actually, I misread a post by DeskPotato… I think his/her kid is the freshman student. Sorry.</p>
<p>I am truly sorry this happened, MommaJ, and I would also be upset. My kids would have likely reacted like your DD did, in fact, not nearly as proactive. They just assume if someone says they’ll do something that they will. It’s been a tough lesson to them that this is not the case, even with trusted authority figures. </p>
<p>Hopefully your DD gets a rec in quickly and gets accepted somewhere she likes.</p>
<p>D received emails from several schools today confirming that Professor Flakeybrains had submitted the LOR’s. And given the time frame, D is pretty convinced that she just used the draft D provided.</p>
<p>Interestingly, D was meeting with her capstone project advisor today and bent his ear about the whole saga. He told her that it was very common for profs to have students write their own recommendation letters. I guess I’m just as naive as my kid, because I never would have guessed that.</p>
<p>Thanks to everyone for all the support and suggestions. There are days when I would happily go back to the times when toilet training was my biggest child-related issue, and on those days it’s nice to be able to bring my troubles to this community.</p>
<p>Wow! I’ve been following this thread for a few days now, and this is just one of those situations that really makes you stop and think. </p>
<p>I’m glad that your daughter’s LOR went through (though I’m crossing my fingers that her prof either signed off on her draft or had a sudden, overwhelming bought of clarity and focus and wrote a superb one of her own), and I hope she gets in to the school(s) that she wants. </p>
<p>Also, I’d like to thank you for sharing your story and thank everyone else for their comments and insights. I’m a college freshman, and like many of you have talked about, I really have no idea what’s it like to ask for recs or form relationships with professors.
After seeing a worst case scenario of a good student getting put in a situation like that, I’m going to try and have backups, have solid professors to rely on, and to always start things early. </p>
<p>I bet a lot of other college students are learning from this too, so again, thanks for all your wisdom. :)</p>
<p>Yea!!! Great news!!! You’ll definitely have to update this thread when she gets her acceptance letter!</p>
<p>sooo. letters of rec are really important, but they are just as likely to be written by the applicant?</p>
<p>yup. that quite qa system there</p>
<p>Wait? What? She meets personally with someone who is supervising her capstone experience and didn’t get a letter from that person??</p>
<p>Great! Now she can craft her own thank you letter: </p>
<p>Dear Dr. Flakeybrains, Thank you for finally writing my LOR, you lazy, incompetent, stupid beyotch. My mother will be showing up at your office to let you have it one day soon, after which she will be regaling the department chair and every dean she can find regarding your failure to do your job. Or at least, your failure to do your job in a manner mom and I find acceptable. Again, thank you for your time. What little of it you gave. </p>
<p>Peace out.</p>
<p>Sylvan-- That’s not very nice!</p>
<p>The silver lining from this tale is that LOR from this professor are probably very rare, and thus could conceivably carry more weight than one from the diligent workhorse who promptly sends letters 15 minutes after they are requested. Letters from old Prof. Workhorse are a dime a dozen, but DaughterJ must have been truly special to have secured a letter from Prof Flakeybrains, who never recommends anyone. The trick now is to cultivate this image; don’t you dare tell anyone the name of this professor while her application is still under review!</p>
<p>stradmom, she’s just in the middle of her capstone, so this adviser doesn’t have much to go on yet. Her capstone straddles two disciplines, and she was assigned an advisor in the one where she is not majoring. She hasn’t had a class with him since first semester of freshman year. So she did not feel he would be able to say much in an LOR. Although some have accused me of hovering, I really do let her make her own judgements on these matters.</p>
<p>MommaJ, hover all you like. Some of us would have done a kamakazi crash landing at the prof’s door. </p>
<p>But really the capstone advisor could have, would have, probably should have :“written” the rec. I wrote earlier about my friend’s son who needed recs from profs who didn’t know him from Adam, at Harvard and they were well acquainted and quite skilled at the procedure. Had it all laid out and the accept rates are very high. It’s more important to get a rec from a prof who knows what to write, the format, the way it works, then one who knows you the best. You should write your own personal draft anyways so that nothing pertinant is forgotten.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>YMMV, but IME…it is not too far removed from befriending those older than oneself. </p>
<p>It helps if you happen to have a deep curiosity and genuine interest in getting to know the Profs as unique interesting individuals in their own right. Degree of formality is highly dependent on the Prof concerned and the situational contexts. This is furthered if you try to have some fun with the process as I have.</p>