Tips that us "Old Fogeys" need to know

Parents Forum
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<p>For many of us, it has been 20+ years since we went to college ourselves. So much has changed for today’s college student, things to consider that we never had to consider, such as technology needs (laptops, printers, cell phones/plans, etc.). Frankly, I can’t imagine my brainy, but absent-minded son being able to remember to know where his laptop, cell phone, books, binders, wallet, dorm key, meal card, student ID is at all times.</p>

<p>Some that post here have 1 or more children already in college and some like me have kids in high school about to embark on the college experience. Those of us newbies feel like fish out of water even though we went to college once, too. What advice/tips do you have? Please post. (This thread is for advice that isn’t covered in the usual scholarship/application type threads.)</p>

<p>I have three (probably dumb) questions. I am assuming that (some) kids must take their laptops to classes with them. </p>

<li><p>Do students have to rely on their batteries to last the day or are there plugs in the floor (or wherever) for the kids to hook up to during class? </p></li>
<li><p>Since there seems to be more “theft” in dorms today than when I went to college (semi-valuables “disappearing” because room mates or their friends take stuff), how do dorm students keep their stuff safe (such as purses, wallets, iPods, laptops, etc. BTW, When we went to college there weren’t so many small high priced items that could easily disappear). </p></li>
<li><p>My above-mentioned brainy but clueless son can never remember where he puts anything. We (mom and dad) are certain that he will lose everything once he goes to college (he has always gone to small private schools). He also has no interest in learning any “life skills” right (such as banking, laundry, fixing anything, changing printer ink cartridges – you get the idea) and insists that he will learn them when he needs them. (That’s like trying to learn Calculus when you’ve never had any math classes.) If any of you have any prior experience with such a child, please advise on how to deal with this. (Our younger son always knows where his stuff is and could go to school in Europe and be fine.)</p></li>
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<p>In some miraculous way the kids seem to gain all those skills from June to September. Our S was not unlike yours, we were shocked at how well organized, careful, and well ...clean he is. </p>

<p>The colleges typically have info on how to keep things safe, by the way, most homeowners insurance covers the big ticket items.</p>

<p>And finally most libraries, etc. on campus have access to electricity.</p>

3

<ol>
<li><p>My son doesn't take his laptop to class, just takes notes on paper, Way to easy for the laptop to get knocked onto the floor and seriously get broken in class!</p></li>
<li><p>He has a private room, in a suite with 9 other guys. He makes sure to close (and automatically lock) his door when he leaves. There are also apparently "laptop locks" that somehow strap the laptop to the desk. Of course, then you have to not lose the key! The college also recommends engraving the driver's license # on valuable items, and even has engravering tools available for borrowing.</p></li>
<li><p>Just stop doing these things for him! My son <em>could</em> do laundry, but didn't do it until I said that he had to, but would get a raise in his allowance in recognition of the greater responsibility. This was mid- high school, because I sure didn't want him going to college without being able to do laundry! He brought dirty clothes home for Thanksgiving break, but only because all the machines in the dorm were busy, and he did take care of it himself over the weekend.</p></li>
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<p>Good questions</p>

<p>There are some threads about that stuff somewhere, but from what I remember, there are lockable file cabient type things that you can put in your ipods etc, they look like regular furniture, and some people talked about locks for the laptops</p>

<p>Something else I think is a good idea, is to take pictures of everything you are sending, along with the serial numbers, good proof for insurance</p>

<p>There was a book I saw that was something like: The Experts Guide to 100 THings Everyone Should Know</p>

<p>How to tie a windsor know, boil an egg, sew on a button, etc- living skills</p>

<p>You could buy it and put it in the bathroom. Bet he looks at it. And he will learn how to do things. If he doesn't have ink, well, he will figure that out. That bank, if he doesn't figure it out, that will save you money. </p>

<p>Remember this, your son somehow managed to get through high school in one piece, fill out those application, etc. He will survive and if he sleeps on gross disgusting sheets and wears dirty clothes because he hasn't figured out how to do laundry, well, you won't know about it. Believe me, if he wan't any girls to pay attention, he will learn some basic cleaning skills. As for fixing anything, if it stay broken forever, he is the one who has to live with it. </p>

<p>When my D went away for only three weeks, I was worried she would forget stuff. SHe of course immediately lost her digital camera (a cheap one, cause AI just KNEW she would lose it)- well she had to use her spending money to by little disposable ones. </p>

<p>What you do is, if he loses something, do not replace it. For instance, he leave his watch somewhere, don't replace it. His Ipod, don't replace it. His favorite shoes. Don't replace them. Let him deal for a while. If his printer breaks, well, let him figure out how to get it fixed, if he doesn't he will deal.</p>

<p>Let go a bit, buy the book for him, and let him know, he will be dealing with it all since he just knows he can handle it. And then let him.</p>

<p>Something else, and I am guilty of this, so I am not judging, but since he always knows his great parents will fix it for him, he can afford to be clueless. That is a concious choice on his part. When reality sets in that you won't be there to drive his homework to him in class, well, one time of dealing with that and you not there to resuce him, and he will learn.</p>

<p>So, start now. Tell him, hon, you are going to college. So, you are now in charge of your laundry. I will gladly show you how the machines work, but I think you can handle it.</p>

<p>Worse case? He smells funny for a bit.</p>

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<p>Not sure about 1 or 2, we discussed safety of items with our DD before going to college, but felt kind of paranoid to buy a computer "tether" whatever, for the room. She goes to Dartmouth, small town, relatively small group of people around - we basically told her to look around, see what others did, discuss it with your roommate, use common sense. She does not have a bike, of course we would have gotten a lock for that.</p>

<p>As to #3, I do have an opinion. He's not the one who gets to decide when he "needs" the most basic of those life skills! I would include laundry, banking, simple cooking and simple car maintenance (particularly if he will have a car at school) as the basic life skills - if he can't figure out the printer cartridge, well too bad, although if can't program his clock radio, I would cut some slack :).
At some point, probably during senior year if he is truly reluctant or a very busy junior, I would start ahnding these tasks off to him - he has to do some of his own laundry - say everyday school clothes so he can learn about lights darks and whites. Give him a few months spending money, open a bank account, and say if you have gas for the car, you have to manage this money - show him how to do it.
I suspect you will see some major changes during or toward the end of the senior year, where he begins to tak an interest in some "life safety" skills, if not I would jump start with this approach, it is what we will do with our son.
We did not actually have to do this with our DD, but she's more like your younger son. We did have to begin about this time teaching laundry, but she came to me and said I need to learn - she had always helped, but I'm picky about laundry, and had always supervised, never just turned it over to her. Money she had managed for years, she learned some car stuff when she began driving, and cooking just ain't happening - she's learned that out of necessity at college!</p>

<p>By the way, welcome to a fellow Alabamian - there's 3 or 4 of us who are semi-regulars.</p>

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<p>add to the things to remember- all the different passwords. Mine found it good to have a list that she left at home. After forgetting her webmail password more then once in the first few weeks.
My D does have a laptop lock that locks it to her desk. Does she use it? I have no clue. It has a combo lock so she doesn't have to worry about the key.
One important thing- get insurance for the cellphone(it will either get lost or broken) and accidental damage insurance on the laptop.
valuables- wallet she carries with her most of the time. she doesn't like to spend money so she tends to keep very little cash on hand. If she doesn't have it handy she doesn't spend it.
We started having her take more of a role senior year in solving her own problems. Flat tire, bank issues, dr's prescription. It helped some but she has learned a lot this short time that she has been gone. They learn quick when there is no one to come to there rescue.</p>

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<p>My H was raised in a small hotel his family owned- while the girls learned the basic life skill stuf,, he was the bartender at 14. When he went out on his own, after not having to learn stuff, he survived. Growing up in a hotel- he never had to do laundry, or cook, or clean, he would be in the way...so when he got his own apartment, he just had no choice but to figure it out. </p>

<p>Our favorite story- his mom was coming from Ireland, so he spent a long time (whatever that is in manspeak) cleaning (again, whatever the means)- he was so proud of how clean it was (all relative to the mess from before).</p>

<p>After his mom and sister arrived, they commented how nice his place was. But when he was at work the next day, they scoured the place, cause even though he thought it was clean and could live in it, well, they couldn't. He had done his best and to him it was great. Different standards, but he survived and so will your son/</p>

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<p>So far I'm getting great advice. I am guilty of doing tooooo much for him because he is soooo clueless. I can honestly say that he does not learn from negative consequenses -- he went on a school trip and lost all his money within 20 minutes of leaving -- do you think he learned anything from that????? NO!!! He even forgot that he packed emergency money in his suitcase -- that is how clueless he is!!!! </p>

<p>I tried having him be responsible for his bath towels (hoping he would launder them when he ran out -- no such luck) I'm afraid to have him do his school uniforms because there will be days when he won't have anything to where and his school won't allow him to show up in something else. Also, when he did wash his school pants once, he forgot to take pens out of his pocket and ruined two pairs of uniform pants (which I had him pay for but he didn't learn from it.) My dear husband would confess that he was just as clueless when he was a teen and younger adult and also had no interest in learning life skills or other things (I could amuse you with story after story of funny consequences to my smart hubby's cluelessness (like when he tried to clean apple juice off the kitchen wall by just blow-drying it! Or when he used Desitin for toothpaste cuz he didn't look at the packaging. or when he used Raid for air freshener in the Bathroom because he didn't notice the label..... you get the idea... it runs in his family.... yet he can play chess against 3 different people at the same time BLINDFOLDED!!!!) It has something to do with being very smart, single-minded and also not wanting to do/learn things that are "outside" of one's comfort/interest zone. </p>

<p>I have explained to my son that it is my job to "expand his comfort/interest zone." I will take your advice and insist that our son take on more responsibility now.... while he's a junior. Thanks for the advice so far.</p>

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<p>Glad to hear about the locking file cabinet idea. That will be very useful since many sizable and valuable things can fit in them (purses, wallets, iPods, etc). Also, it's good to know that there are devices to lock laptops down. </p>

<p>A tip from a friend: She told me she put a long telephone cord-like leash on her daughter's dorm TV remote and connected the other end to one of those wooden remote holders because her daughter kept losing her remote in her bed, sheets, wherever, etc.</p>

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<p>Great idea about writing down passwords and getting added insurance.</p>

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<p>One thing I did that I regret was not buying the "covers everything" insurance from Dell when we bought my D her laptop for college. I decided to save some money and added the computer coverage on my homeowners policy, which was much less expensive. </p>

<p>Then in the middle of sophomore year she spilled a glass of water into her laptop. Completely ruined. Filed the claim with the homeowners policy. First must get a repair estimate. Then they send a check less the $500 deductible (which D has to pay). Send the laptop to Dell. They send it back with the wrong size hard drive. Call Dell. Send the hard drive back. Get new hard drive and install it. Now must reinstall all the operating system, drivers, etc. etc. </p>

<p>If only I'd gotten the Dell coverage it would have been so much simpler! Just take the laptop to the college computer center, which is an authorized Dell service center, and they would have taken care of everything (I think). But no, I wanted to save a few bucks.</p>

<p>As a result, my D was without her laptop for several months, and it still doesn't work perfectly. I know she shouldn't have spilled the water on the keyboard, but accidents like that are probably not unusual in the dorms. And my D is a very responsible person, so I have no doubt it was an accident.</p>

<p>Bottom line, for me at least, is not to rely on homeowners policy for computers away at college.</p>

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<p>My son already spilled a drink on MY laptop last summer and ruined it. Since he couldn't afford to replace it, I made him do extra big chores to help compensate. I bought the insurance for my new laptop after learning the hard way. My younger son found a website that sells a this thin film that goes on top of laptops to protect from these spills. (Until this happened at our home, I had no idea that just a tiny spill (not a big splash) can completely ruin a laptop. Thankfully, wWe were able to get files off the hard drive.)</p>

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<p>No such luck on recovering files from my D's hard drive. Another good reminder for the kids is to make a backup of files on the file servers that are usually available to them at college. Or even backing up on gmail or (heaven forbid) a CD or DVD. That way there will be copy of their papers (and MP3s) if/when their hard drive crashes.</p>

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<p>My D had her laptop stolen out of a friend's car, they did not have coverage, nor did we, so we had to buy a new one. If you buy an Apple, get the extended warranty, though as a PC person, I would say don't buy an Apple...only if your friends & family are Apple literate.</p>

<p>The laptop coverage is really worth having!</p>

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<p>dadx3.... I'm dumb..What is gmail???</p>

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<p>My D is dealing with the spill on the laptop right now. She has the onsite dell coverage but with a spill they wanted her to send it in and have it completely checked and recertified(whatever that means). She is hoping that the harddrive is not damaged. She has not backed up anything. It is the start of the quarter so she doesn't have in progress work on it but she does have all her music. It will be a pain to reload everything but hopefully she learned something. One thing that came out of it was that she had to deal with Dell on her own. And that these things are not as simple as you have 5 minutes you make the phone call.
We don't have coverage of our computers at home. We also don't have it on our cell phones. She so far has needed both. She didn't have it on the phone and it cost her. Left the phone on the coffee table in the living room and came back later and it was on the floor. Someone had stepped on it. No one admitted guilt. Another lesson learned the hard way.</p>

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<p>We got a footlocker (w/wheels) type trunk for my S...it locks (and also serves as an extra seat when "the gang" is in his room)...it was $40 at Bed Bath & Beyond...the idea (his) was he could use it to put away his valuables (laptop, wallet, minidisc player, etc) when he leaves his room. I don't know if he does, but I doubt it...his wing of his dorm floor have bonded into a tight-knit group of friends who are in and out of each other's rooms (and who routinely use each other's things)...I think they lock their doors when they leave, but wouldn't swear to it...</p>

<p>We also got him a "protection" cover for his laptop. He takes it around campus w/him, but doesn't use it for notes. His school has plug-in outlets everywhere...battery power hasn't been an issue for him, even on days when he leaves his room at 8:30 and doesn't return til after midnight...</p>

<p>So far, no thefts, no breakage, no losses...</p>

<p>As for "life skills"...he never did much of anything in the way of "life maintenance" (except for cooking; he cooks considerably more often than I do!) when he lived at home full-time (still doesn't when he is home on breaks)...but when he's responsible for himself, he does do all those things--money, laundrey, food...he's quite capable, but will always always always let someone else do that stuff for him if someone else is willing to do so (and I usually am...but in my own defense, he does other things--garbage, dog, fix-it stuff, taking care of the dead animals (we live in a forest)...all sorts of stuff that make doing his laundrey a pleasure!)...I worried before he left that he didn't know how...but he does. And mostly he figured it out himself. </p>

<p>Sometimes he wears dirty clothes (he says they all do at school), because doing laundrey is not a high priority. His hair, which he much prefers short, is now down to his shoulders, because he can't quite find the time/energy/interest to spend the 15 minutes it would take to get it cut. Most of his money (several thousand dollars) is still in a trustee account that he can't access w/out me, but he won't go to the bank w/me to change it...says if he needs me to get the money, he won't try to get it and that, he says, is a good thing...it'll keep him from spending it "irresponsibly." He has never once asked for extra money. He has also refused my occasional offers, saying he's ok on money each time I've asked. So he definitely lives w/in our agreed-to budget...</p>

<p>In short, while I'm not sure my S was ever as clueless as you describe your S as being, he certainly never did do his own "life skill" stuff--until he had to. Then he did, and quite competently I might add...</p>

<p>Hope this helps...</p>

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<p>jlauer, your s sounds like he is smart enough to know that if he is deemed incompetent at irritating chores, he won't be required to do them. When required, he will pick up all needed life skills even if it takes effort. I have a very difficult time with directions but need to travel a lot for my job. So, I have bought a car with a navigation system, get MapQuest, get directions from the person I am going to see, and then leave an hour to get lost everywhere I go (and usually need it). I graduated most likely to get lost between my grad school and the grad school library--which is about 20 feet away. I spent ten years getting lost in my office building in Manhatten. I have lost my car so many times at the airport I will only park on the roof of the garage even in a blizzard rather than risk walking aimlessly up and down five floors trying to find the car. (One time I was in the wrong garage.) It's irritating and embarrassing and I simply have learned to accept and compensate. I don't refuse to travel because "I can't find anyplace" and do my best to not let this disability interfere with my job performance. I try to be the only one who suffers the consequences. In sum, your s may have a mix of genuine disabilities and genuine laziness. Either way, he will be smart enough to figure it out just as soon as he has to and not a moment before. His techniques will be whatever works for him to avoid a worse alternative outcome.</p>

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<p>Jlauer - please, these are rhetorical questions - do I KNOW your husband? Do I work with your husband??? Never mind, Alabama is a small state, but not that small!
We bought DD's laptop at school precisely because it came with a service agreement. I think that if it is stolen it comes under homeowner's, but everything else is covered in the service agreement - no accidents yet, but worth it.</p>

<p>If he's a junior, believe it or not, there is a lot of growth and change coming - not that you shouldn't nudge him along, particularly if you think he's going to have a hard time, but he will get it. Decide what you think are the absolute skills for health, safety and to prevent nudity or unaccceptable aromas, and start with those.</p>

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<p>Overanxious: footlocker sounds great. </p>

<p>The Analyst: I don't consider my son unable or incompetant to do <em>learn</em> or actually <em>do</em> jobs.... I have him do chores all the time (dishes, vacuuming, toilets, sweeping, etc). It's just that he shows no interest in learning how to do "life skills" stuff, remember where he puts things, or learning how to "compensate" like you have with parking (His dad and I have repeatedly explained to him the importance of using compensation techniques like you have done (and we use, too.). For instance, the school gives him a planner, yet he never knows where it is so he has to write assignment info on scraps of paper which takes him several minutes to remember where he put them. He doesn't learn from his own (repetitive) mistakes.</p>