Too Intimidated to just "Visit" a University

Parent Cafe
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<p>I must make this confession:</p>

<p>Last week I was in N. CA to visit Stanford. I had planned this "visit" few weeks in advance. I was going to arrive to Stanford in the morning, attend the daily campus tour thing, get my questins answered, walk around the campus and talk to people. I would then leave Palo Alto in early afternoon to Foothill college which is two train stops south, walk around a lilttle more then depart.</p>

<p>If you havn't noticed, I love to walk, so I parked in S. SF and caught CalTrain going south as planned, but when the train arrived to Palo Alto's station I just couldn't get off it. I simply was too nervous, I thought it was excitement at first.
Only then I realized I was becoming increasingly anxious as I was approaching the university. I was too anxious I started shivering when the train stoped at P.A. station (it was ~60F outside).
I just stayed on the train, went to Foothill's to meet with a counselor and wasted the rest of the day walking about trying to figure out what was going on. I couldn't.</p>

<p>The next time I made it. Though it was dusk, I was on the free A-Marguerite Shuttle heading toward the center of the campus. But, again, I chickened out and couldn't get off the bus or speake to anyone.</p>

<p>What I think might have happened: I have been around "normal" people (i.e. away from classroom and working overtime at bluecollar-or-less jobs) for so long that that relatively thoughtless environment became a social norm. Going to a place like Stanford, I anticpated persons with enormous skulls, others with three heads, girls with ariel-ears, and other forms of "deviance". More realistically, I anticipated people to whom I wouldn't have been able to relate.</p>

<p>Or perhaps I was intimidated by the thought of students asking "so, where do you go to school?" while I wasn't, or "Do you go here?" and I would feel like a dumb failur.</p>

<p>Anyhow...... confidence is precious</p>

<p>I had plans to visit all the south/east coast top Us over the course of the next weeks, starting with UNC-CH & Duke moving north to Dartmouth by April. LOL.. I don't think so.</p>

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<p>I think you should do your best to try to get ON the campus. That way you can get a feel of how its like. If thats the way you're feeling, you probably wouldn't be happy there anyways! I think though, that you should try your hardest to get yourself on the campus, and see if you feel any different. If, after talking or being near the students, the environment of a certain college seems to make you feel a bit more calm, you can tell that it might be a good place for you.</p>

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<p>Don't feel intimidated; they are all human beings with limited capabilities and tons of limitations.</p>

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<p>Have you ever had any other forms of agrophobia?</p>

<p>I would storngly advise you to find a way to get over that anxiety. Ask a friend to take you onto campus.</p>

<p>You are visualizing high school--meanspirited kids with preppy clothing. A university campus is much more diverse--and friendly.</p>

<p>Force yourself to get over this barrier--lest you find your mind setting up all sorts of barriers. One trick might be to go and visit another college that you don't care about. A dry run.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

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<p>Did you know that kids at Stanford put their pants on one leg at a time?</p>

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<p>I have a friend who was in your situation - she was a truck driver for 20 years before she went back to school. She went back to a top college, and became one of the most valued members of her class. Why? Because she knew what the "real world" was like. She could answer the "Why do I have to study this?" questions. Her different experience made her more sought out, not less.</p>

<p>Do you have any local colleges or universities near you? You might want to walk around a school you're not interested in, just to "desensitize" yourself to the college campus.</p>

<p>And also remember that you don't have to talk to anyone you don't want to talk to. That goes for info sessions, and for going on tours. Rehearse answers to the questions you're afraid of. For example, "Do you go here?" Response - "Not yet." "Where do you go to school?" "I took some time off to work before continuing on to college." Why should either of those answers make you feel like a failure?</p>

<p>If none of that works, then perhaps you should seek professional counseling.</p>

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<p>Stanford kids seemed pretty oblivious to us gawkers when we were there. I think the suggestion to take a friend along is a good one. You might also want to talk to a counselor/therapist about ways to reduce your anxiety.</p>

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<p>Think of Stanford as a tourist-sightseeing location. Go to the admissions office and ask to join a tour--you needn't answer any other questions. just say "I've heard so much about this place and wanted to see the campus." Or just go around lunchtime and ask any student--where can a visitor eat on campus? Go have lunch, observe the people, eavesdrop a bit and then wander around until you feel more comfortable. You can also chat with the blue collar folks who will be serving in the cafeteria and doing odd jobs around the campus. the idea is just to get over your anxiety about an elite college campus and see for yourself that the people there are basically just people. Look at bulletin boards, read posters, ask about events open to the public.</p>

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<p>OP:</p>

<p>What you experienced is fairly common, though the severity of the emotions involved can vary quite a bit from person to person. You find that people will feel this way in a variety of situations. Some feel it in athletics, some when taking tests, some when getting in front of people to speak. There are people who can never go into sales because they cannot initiate a contact with people they don't know.</p>

<p>Boiled down, the person having these emotions feels inadequate in some sort of situation. The athlete may not feel she really belongs on the same field as that top team she's playing today. The person giving the speech may feel that there are many people in the audience who are more qualified to give the speech than he is, etc. Sometimes those feelings are justified and sometimes not. But they are almost always overblown in the mind of the person who is having the anxiety.</p>

<p>Advice can help, but it's rarely enough. More often than not, these kinds of feelings are deep-seated and spread more generally to other situations, even if they are most powerful in only one or two.</p>

<p>You would probably benefit from therapy. Barring that, I suggest you get a companion you trust to go with you. Ideally, this companion is aware of your issue. Have this companion provide the "ooph" it takes to get off the train, walk to the Stanford campus, and look around. Seeing the reality will do a lot to reduce your anxiety. I've been to that campus. Adults, kids, and tourists walk around going about their business. It's pretty normal, really.</p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

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<p>mel-I am the same way when shopping for a new car. The first day I just drive around, never setting foot in the show room.</p>

<p>I have spent my entire adult live in a college campus setting and I can assure you that most of us love our students, even prospective ones.</p>

<p>In fact on thing I urge more families to do during their campus visits is to wander around the campus after the canned tour. If you think you want to be a mechanical engineering major, take a walk thru the ME building. Every one will have bulletin boards and poster board presentations which will tell you more about the department than any web site will. And many times a professor will invite you into his office for a chat and even give you a cooks tour of their facilities some of the time.</p>

<p>Alas, the serendipitous moments happen all too infrequently.</p>

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<p>You know, I don't like to just walk on a campus and look around either. I feel a lot better with an itinerary and plans. I suggest that you sign up for the tours. If you know anyone who goes there, see if you can meet him for lunch or coffee and shadow him for a few hours.</p>

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<p>Gotta agree with originaloog. DS1 wandered around the math dept. at his top choice and learned tons about the way profs interact with students, the collegiality, etc. He was very much a "deer in the headlights" at that point, until a prof took him into her office to chat. It made a major impression on him. He now trolls through departments he's interested in after he does the formal tour and sits in on classes in his prospective major.</p>

<p>I can relate to the OP, though. I've had the same experience when traveling alone. I was too intimidated to visit on eplace, got back onthe train, was so frustrated with myself that I forced myself to get off and visit another place (which had also intimidated me). Turns out it was a secret gem and the absolute highlight of my trip.</p>

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<p>You might try renting a few of the Collegiatechoice.com videos and watching a few actual campus tours. You'll realize pretty quickly that people don't laugh at, point at, or otherwise even pay attention to campus visitors. And, seeing the campus tour before you experience may make it seem less threatening. </p>

<p>My daughter found the first few visits to colleges a little intimidating as well, so you're not alone.</p>

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<p>You know what?</p>

<p>Because-to most Americans-I look like today's "stereotypical terrorist" even without a white turban and a Kalashanikov and on university campuses, I'm seriously considering wearing a t-shirt that says: "I am not a terrorist!! I am just bearded." Or "...!! I just don't like to shave." Or "No terrorists inside, just a bearded man" in Arabic and English, and that should be sufficient to overcome the anxiety.</p>

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<p>You could wear a 'Newt Gingrich for President' button.</p>

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<p>Hey...no worries.</p>

<p>People at Stanford are still people. You'd be surprised how many are just like "normal" people...and how many have worked at Wal-Mart ;). I think your real-life experience and non-sheltered life is something to be proud of and something that can only help you seem interesting, worldly, and educated. Also, students will probably ignore you and not even recognize you as a visiter ;). Adults and visiting prospectives alike blend right in to the throng of things b/c a place like Stanford is so diverse and such a hotspot for tourists and stuff. You don't have to talk to anyone, and if you do and identify yourself as a prospective, trust me, people will be waaay more than friendly. They love to pimp their school :D. I think a t-shirt is actually funny...lol. I'm kind of known for my weird t-shirts, and on college visits I've had students start a convo with me by saying they like my shirt or asking where I got it from...</p>

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<p>We did a lot of college visits last year, and I think it would be plenty easy to walk around without actually talking to anyone. It's quite easy to be anonymous even on tours. Usually the guides do all the talking.
I agree that going with a friend, the first time at least, would be the best idea.
Try to imagine a visit to Stanford as more of an informal walking or sightseeing trip, rather than as a people-meeting situation.<br>
Good luck!</p>

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<p>my then senior in high school visting admitted son was "greeted" by a reluctant freshman overnight host student at a top university who was possibly socially impaired and did not introduce son to any friends, and appeared to largely eat and live a lonely existence... could not make eye contact and promptly abandoned my son for the night without so much as a key or anything..said he'd be back by 3am.</p>

<p>at another top school, son was befriended by a wonderful outgoing host who made sure to introduce my son to many other freshmen, teachers and counselors and took him to play his favorite rec league sport as well as making sure my son never had a meal alone without a friendly face.</p>

<p>I guess the reason I bring this up..is that what my son learned from this experience...was that college is also full of people with extremes in areas of gifts and with varied social IQs as well as other talents. He managed to not blame College A for the introverted host who dumped him within an hour. </p>

<p>Although it was a bit of a shock and predicament. My point is that people already at Stanford or anywhere are also vulnerable people who are not all alike, some are shy, some are busy, some are thoughtful and welcoming and they are all likely too busy to remember if you do anything awkward or if your shirt is wrong or you are not a great small talker. Just go. Fumble through and try to show interest in others and give people the benefit fo the doubt. Take things in and don't hold others or yourself to high expectations. Eat, sleep and breathe deeply before you go. Truly, you will be forgotten quickly..so try not to be self conscious. This is about taking in with all your senses what a college community is like as much as you possibly can in artificially contrived sets of hours. Try to enjoy the journey and find it humorous and don't take it too seriously.</p>

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<p>People come on tours of my university every single day, usually to look at the architecture. Unless someone asks a direct question, most of the the students are totally oblivious to them! </p>

<p>Seriously, don't worry about feeling out of place - most likely no one will even notice you, and if they do, I would be really really suprised if they asked you why you were there - it's no one's business but yours why you're there. Even if someone does ask, just tell them the truth - you're a prospective student and want to get a feel for the place. That's perfectly reasonable, and it happens all the time anyway.</p>

<p>Also, people at so-called 'elite' universities really are no different from anyone else. You get outgoing people, shy people, and the vast majority fit somewhere in the middle. Please please don't feel like you aren't good enough to be there.</p>

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<ol>
<li><p>The official tour will give structure to the experience. The tour guide and the presenters in the info sessions do the talking. You don't have to say a word, if you don't want to. And, on every college tour we took, there was at least one overly-confident person (usually a parent) who took up any dead space with questions that were intended to let the rest of us know how very smart he/she was. You will find this type everywhere--you probably know some--they are not limited to college tours. Ignore any obnoxious people, and pay attention to the answers.</p></li>
<li><p>Remember: any place, anywhere that is full of people who go out their way to make ANYONE feel inadequate is not a place you'll want to be. that would be their problem, not yours. However, we never encountered any place like that. I very much doubt that you will, either.</p></li>
<li><p>Absolutely agree with the other posters: don't go alone. </p></li>
<li><p>If anyone asks about your education situation, they are just being polite to make conversation. Really. They are not judging you and probably don't even really care! Some people feel insecure and get into silly comparisons (mostly parents comparing their students!) just to make themselves feel better. Ignore these people. It's sad, really.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>You can do this. Just. Do. It. Sounds easier that it is, I know, but be tough on yourself so this problem doesn't feed on itself.</p>

<p>Please write and let us know about your next visit.</p>