“Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.”
I was planning to write an essay about my friend who was always smarter than me in school and helped me academically whenever I had trouble. Then, he suffered a life-threatening accident that left him 2/3 paralyzed and unable to attend school for a year. This led me to cherish my education more, which made me work harder in school and start an organization where high schooler student go to underprivileged schools to teach STEM activities.
I was reading some of the common cliche college essays, and I feel like I combined cliche of the “death/accident of a friend” and “volunteering.” However, this essay really resonates with my transcript and extracurricular because sophomore year I had a couple B’s and the accident happened near the end of my 10th grade. But currently in my junior year, I have received all A’s.
Any opinions?
I will be applying later this year and plan to major in computer science.
If you want me to be honest, it is cheesy. Unless you were directly involved with your friend’s struggle after his/her accident, I don’t think admissions people will see it as a very strong essay. You could definitely illustrate how seeing/helping your friend go through pain and recover emotional strength helped you grow – if that was the case. If that wasn’t the case, I would not use it as an important topic in your essay. And even if it was, I think you have a better alternative.
I think starting that organization can actually be the event the prompt is asking you to identify. Maybe you shouldn’t see it as a result of your transition into adulthood – but more like the event that initiated the transition. You can talk about what inspired you to do it, definitely, but briefly. More importantly, elaborate on how working with those children helped you realized the impact you can have on other people’s life and your place in society. Your potential. Your goals. How you gained a sense of responsibility. And be sure to mention specific cases of children that truly inspired you. I think that would make a very strong essay.
The B’s are not going to matter that much. What schools are you applying to?
If you honestly think your friend’s accident was the reason you got Bs (and as I said, you were actually involved in his/her recovery) then you can mention that in the part in most apps where you can explain “adverse circumstances” or whatever they might call them.
Most likely, if you weren’t involved in the recovery they’re going to notice and see it as a lame excuse for the grades, which could hurt you. B’s are not that bad.
Good luck!
Thanks for the input! I’ll definitely take that into consideration and probably change my outline.
I would appreciate any other opinions! Be honest, I can take it XD
Oh, no.
I thought it was going to be about how you helped this kid recover and recognized your own strengths in the process of helping him.
It is not cool to read about someone else’s misfortune causing you to work harder, and then mining his misfortune for your college essays. No no no…
Keep looking, you’ll find something that works for you.
Hey, kudos for starting work on the essay early! I didn’t have my Common App essay finished until sometime in late November/early December. And extra kudos for being willing to take criticism from the people online here–trust me, you would rather hear it from them than from the admissions committee! Best of luck. 
Haha, thanks for all the input. Yea, after second thought, I think I’ll need to scrap the entire idea.
I also read that some of the best essays are ones that focus on small things and make it of big importance. Is this true? I’ve read essays that talked about nurturing a plant, or even trying samples at Cosco that got students into top Ivy leagues.
Yeah, I remember reading an essay about a girl who had plants that she considered her “children.” It definitely caught my attention, and I’m sure it piqued the admissions committee’s interest! In my opinion, you should not use your essay to elaborate on any of the big things you have already listed in your app. After all, these big things–as reflected by your GPA, SAT/ACT, ECs, LORs, etc–speak for themselves. That doesn’t mean you should try to twist the little things into something that they are not, but maybe you can find something unusual about yourself that you can use to stand out from the crowd (NOT something like “school is my life” or “my injury while on the football team taught me perseverance” or “my mission trip changed my life.” Those are really overdone). The essays are really just about revealing yourself in a likable, creative, and unique manner.
Your original idea is close to what you should be looking for, but just not quite powerful enough. The problem is that–even though it had a profound effect on you–to an outsider, the event was not closely related to your life. (Not to belittle what you or your friend have been through.)
By the way, if you are looking for good essay examples, check out Johns Hopkins’ page titled “Essays that Worked.” I consider those to be of the caliber and nature you should strive to produce. I’ve read some admissions essays heralded by many to be extraordinary that I personally thought were boring, but I like (most of) JHU’s examples.
Here’s one of my personal favorites. Good hook, and compelling presentation of self: https://apply.jhu.edu/apply/essays-that-worked/#essay1
I also like this one: https://apply.jhu.edu/apply/essays-that-worked/#essay5
The aforementioned plant essay: https://apply.jhu.edu/apply/essays-that-worked/#essay2
This one I thought was pretty risky, but I guess it worked: https://apply.jhu.edu/apply/essays-that-worked/#essay7
Wow! Much thanks to those example essays, I’m reading through them right now and they are really giving me some good ideas.
What do you think of an essay about the organization I started to open underprivileged children’s eyes to the world of STEM? The organization has classes every week and along with other volunteers, I perform science experiments and explain the scientific backgrounds behind each experiment. I would write about how the children were uninterested in learning at first, but eventually after the third 4-5 class, I was able to engage the students by raising interesting questions and taught them to think critically.
Thoughts? Suggestions?
I think that could make a great essay. That is definitely an experience worth writing about (I wish I had started a STEM organization for underprivileged children ). Of course, there will be other people writing about the amazing things they have done too, so just be sure to be creative in how you write it so that you know that your essay will stand out for both its content and its presentation. Play around with things like tone, dialogue (effective if done correctly), hooks, figurative language, order of events (ex: start off with an anecdote from one of your classes and backtrack from there). It is also important to eventually tie in how it personally changed you and how it influenced your plans for your education/career.
You are going to be fine. You sound like you have some cool things to write about, and the intellect to do so cleverly. Also, you still have quite a few months before you need even a rough draft. Don’t be afraid to keep thinking about it. What you have now sounds great, but you might have a revelation about something even better. Keep sound-boarding ideas off of the CC community. There are some great people on here who survived the applications process (and some exceptional parents who have been through it multiple times).
Thanks! I’m always surprised on how the college confidential community go out of their way to help novice students like me get through the process XD
I’ll definitely think about it and bounce some ideas around!
" I would write about how the children were uninterested in learning at first, but eventually after the third 4-5 class, I was able to engage the students by raising interesting questions and taught them to think critically."
I think this is a good start, but I would add in some self-awareness in there-what did you learn from the children? It’s good that they learned from you, but talking about what you learned from them in what seems to be a mutually symbiotic relationship is probably going to be more interesting for a reader.
I’m not an expert about what adcoms want to see, but I do judge essays written by teenagers for other venues, and I always like to see self-awareness and growth progression. What’s your take-away from having taught those kids? What was unexpected? What problems did you encounter and how did you solve them with the kids? Stuff like that.
My friend’s son wrote about what he learned about people by being a pizza delivery driver. Another kid wrote about her night light and how it makes her feel feel at home. Another kid wrote about how he decided against having a really expensive coming-of-age party so that he could take flying lessons instead. Make it personal. It doesn’t have to be some grandiose sweeping statement. It just needs to be about you.
Apparently a Columbia admissions officer gave this advice: your essay should be so about you that if it dropped on the floor and someone who knew you picked it up, they would know it was your paper immediately. I think that is really great advice, and I shared it with my D when she was preparing to write her essay. She wrote her essay about what some might call an undesirable personality trait. She illustrated this trait by talking about what happened when she finally decided to try wearing some make up. It must have been well-received because she got into many excellent colleges.