Transfer or stick it out?

Student Lounge College Life
1

I’m currently a freshman at an ivy league university, but I’m seriously unhappy with the social life. I talked to people and tried to make friends during orientation and the first few weeks of fall term, but cliques quickly formed and I found myself without a group. I’ve been completely friendless and alone my entire time since then and struggling with depression. I’m friendly to people in my classes and that I see around campus but everyone already has a friend group and no one seems open to making new friends. I had a group of close friends in high school and consider myself a pretty friendly person, so I just don’t think the school is a good fit for me. I am considering transferring back to a state school back home, and although it is one of the better schools in the state it is nothing compared to the name recognition and “prestige” of the school I’m at now. My boyfriend is back home and although I wouldn’t be transferring for him, I know being able to see him and my family would make me a lot happier, and it is a larger school with a lot of commuters, so hopefully the students would be less cliquey. I’m doing well academically at my current school so I feel like I might regret my decision to transfer. I don’t want to feel like a failure or like I gave up and passed up an opportunity to graduate with the name recognition of a prestigious institution (which would hopefully help with job opportunities), but I feel like I am stuck between choosing happiness and my mental health, or prestige/success.

What should I do?

2

As someone who attends a state school with a large commuter population, I’d seriously caution you from transferring under the notion that your social life will improve.

Schools with significant commuter populations can often have a far less active social atmosphere than purely residential colleges - while there may not be cliques, per se, there could very well be tons of students who simply don’t have the time to participate in the sort of activities you may be interested in, since it’s likely they’d have jobs off-campus, family obligations, and lengthy commutes to juggle alongside their classes.

You are doing well academically at a prestigious institution that thousands upon thousands of people try to get into every year (and which most of whom fail to do so) - I wouldn’t sacrifice that without devoting some serious thought to it. There has to be some other avenues for you to develop a more active social life - clubs, intramural sports, volunteering/community service, honor societies, etc.

I also think your judgment may be clouded because of the depression - before making any serious decisions (like transferring) it would be best if you seek help for the depression itself. Your university likely has very comprehensive mental health resources available; counseling, therapy, etc. Once you get a handle on the depression, then you can devise a plan moving forward.

Best of luck.

3

Another option is transferring to another ivy league college only a couple of hours from home. I thought the fresh start and change of scenery might help with the situational depression I have here

4

Have you already been accepted? Would you take next year off? Or will you apply to be a junior transfer?

5

Have you been to see a counselor where you are? That may be a good move for you, especially if you are depressed. And they can usually help students arrange ways to meet others-via clubs and such.

One thing to consider is that 1st year many students are so insecure that they glom onto the first people they meet. So they may look like the are in established groups but that is not the case. Those early social circles are fluid and rarely result in long term friendships. The longer term friendships tend to evolve over time as people find others with similar interests and values rather than simply due to proximity.

Some of my closest friends now are those I met in my later years at college-I can’t think of any I met in that first year who I still stay in contact with. Of course, we initially had to stay in contact via morse code or by tapping out messages on large stone tablets that had to be rolled (think the Flintstones) to the destination but certain things don’t change over time.

You will probably need to make a plan about how to encounter people with similar interests and values. It seems like it is not just going to spontaneous;y happen for you by saying hello to people. But, there are probably plenty of others just like for whom the old way of meeting people isn’t working well for them but they’d welcome meeting you. You need a plan and to work at it in the same dedicated way you worked to at academics.

6

I just researched it and the deadline for next fall has passed so I would apply for next spring (sophomore transfer). I would probably stay at my current school for the fall and if I get accepted, transfer for the second half of the year.

7

Lostaccount - I think joining clubs or different activities might help but due to the depression I have no interest in any of the activities here. I have not seen a counselor here, that might be a good next step

8

Without therapy chances are you will be just as depressed at any school.

9

TomSrOfBoston - I think it is situational depression. I was hoping a change of scenery and fresh start might help, as well as being closer to home.

10

@outrovert self diagnosis is not the answer, get counselling!

11

I would stick it out. Situations change over time. Your opinion on your college life may change if you give it time.

12

Do you live relatively close to your current school? Close enough where visiting once per month would be feasible? It would be a shame to give up an Ivy League education that you can obviously afford for the reasons that you list. It is only three more years. Get some help for the “situational depression,” talk to your parents, and then decide.

13

Counseling is a must. Meet a counselor now before you leave and resume the relationship when you return
Also see someone while home for the summer
Finally, see if you can help with freshman move in and orientation. You’ll mix and mingle with the other helpers and get to know incoming freshman.

Good luck to you.

14

Piling on with all the people who are saying that you are likely to take your unhappiness with you, and suggesting that you not wait to go to the counselor, and look for a counselor over the summer.

As others have pointed out, true friend groups do not form that fast. Good news: start of second year there is considerable re-shaping of friend groups, as people make new housing choices, declare majors, shift activities, and simply find their own feet.

Obviously, dealing with the depression is key. Even if it is ‘situational’, that does not mean that the only way to change the situation is to leave, and the fact that it seems that way suggests that the depression is more than ‘situational’. So go around to the college counselor and ask for some help teasing out whether it is ‘situational’ - and if so, how to change the situation. For example, if the ‘situation’ that is making you depressed is really

=> general anxiety about being in a new/unfamiliar setting
=> self-doubt (you would be surprised how many incoming students at ‘prestigious’ universities are secretly suffering from ‘imposter syndrome’ when they first arrive- they are sure that everyone else is smarter than they are, that they got in by a fluke and other people will soon figure out that they aren’t really that clever; I know students who are well into second year before they really ‘get’ that they belong there and that they legitimately deserved their place)
=> social anxiety, because you have never had to start from scratch without existing friends or because you miss having the built-in best friend of a boyfriend.
you can change the situation.

I’m pretty sure that I know current first or second year students at all of the Ivy schools, and none of them describe their cohorts as being cliquey- not that there aren’t some cliques (what is it about LAX?!), just that it is very much the exception. Most people move in several circles- a dorm-based friend group, a subject-based friend group, an activity-based friend group (or two or three). An amazing number of them have picked up completely new activities, making friends doing things that they had never done before.

@ReturningFavor’s suggestion of signing up now to help with new student move-in and orientation is really excellent: you will definitely be needed, you will be part of a team, and you will definitely know more than the new students!

15

Imagine you, 20 years later. You will have mostly forgotten about the friend issues…Do you want to be an Ivy graduate or a state school graduate? Do you want to have had the opportunities that the Ivy provides or the other school? Do you want the alumni network of the Ivy?

So assuming the answer is the Ivy, then you need to change what you are doing to make friends.

Also, address the depression.

Here are some general suggestions for making friends at college:

  1. During Orientation, go to as many activities as you can. Ask people in your hall way if they are going. Introduce yourself…they are looking for friends too. “Hey, I am Pat…what are you majoring in?”

  2. Go to the Activities Fair and sign up for a bunch of clubs that are of interest. They may not all pan out, but don’t eliminate anything yet. If you are into music/D&D/running/church/whatever, you can find other people who are interested too. Service clubs are great because you spend time working together.

  3. Talk to the people on your floor…Get some cookies and offer them “Hey I have cookies, anyone want some?” and then strike up a conversation about where they are from, what they are majoring in, etc. People like to talk about themselves…let them. Don’t make it too long…move on to others.

  4. At dinner time, ask your roommate/people on your hall if they are going to dining hall. Go with them. See if people in your dorm generally sit in the same area… Join them.

  5. Go to any dorm activities your RA has set up. If you are still having issues, talk to your RA. See if they have ideas. If not suggest that they have one. Maybe a movie and pizza?

  6. Join your dorm’s intramural (or any intramural) team.

  7. Talk to others in your classes…exchange numbers so that if either of you miss you can exchange notes… Ask what someone got on a homework question (that you did too)…once you get to know them, ask if they want to form a study group.

  8. If this isn’t working, go to the Counseling Center…they are ready to help. Don’t think you are a loser because you have to go…this is something you pay for! Get the benefit! You may need to learn some new social skills. They may also have group talks on Homesickness or fitting in.

  9. Go to ongoing campus activities…concerts/movies/lectures/parties. Invite someone/group of people or just sign up and meet people for activities that might be off campus.

  10. See if your dorm/floor has a GroupMe Group set up…otherwise suggest to someone who is extraverted that it might be a good idea. Then people can send a group text that they are showing a movie in the lounge or are baking cupcakes in the kitchen.

  11. Get an on campus job or start doing research for a professor or anything that you helps you work with a smaller group.

You may notice that all of these things take some action…they are not passive. You have to take initiative. But the risk is small…if someone says no, then just say “Maybe another time”.