So many valid points on this thread. The one thing I insisted for my unhooked, white S was that we not visit reaches until/if he got accepted.
His results? Accepted at U-M, GaTech, UVa with no merit money, so big classes, lots of class competition, private school tuition… gone. WLed at Duke and Vanderbilt, so moving on. Accepted at Notre Dame (with no merit $) but good merit scholarships/honors programs/etc. at SMU, TCU, Creighton, CU-Boulder (home state.)
After all visits, I believe he’s still enamored with ND but it’s $100K more COA for us. I’m hoping he will realize he can get a fine education in a good business school in a metropolitan area that will lead to a good job, and save some money for an elite graduate school.
The one good thing I did (besides prematurely touring reach school) is tell him at every stage, “Just because you get accepted is no guarantee that you’ll go there.”
She has responded positively to the Case emails asking for status and desirability. I haven’t seen any FA information from UMinn, so wondering if she can get in-state tuition.
Referencing the UC thread, it seems that having a bunch of UC’s of all different types of perceived prestige seems to engender a bunch of angst, bitterness, and frustration. A good but not amazing applicant in a state where the only in-state options are a flagship that is comparable to UCSC (if you’re charitable), a public STEM school akin to CalPoly-SLO, and a bunch of directionals may end up with the same type of options as a comparable CA kid, but with less bitterness and frustration.
Seems like a parent may want to introduce the idea of the paradox of choice to a high-acheiving kid and then artificially limit the options to a very early app somewhere decent and affordable (like McGill for a RU or NCF for a LAC) to get one sure-thing acceptance, some in-state schools, one ED if they have a clear #1, and a few flyers with no expectations.
I posted last year about my “non-special, high-stats kid,” and took some heat from other posters for thinking so little of my son. But I got some great tips from others on schools that might be a good fit, and three of them made his list. The stakes may seem higher for excellent students, but they don’t have to be.
A positive from someone who visited the Ivy’s and such many times, with is that after considering all of the schools, my son felt CMU was a better fit and has no regrets about the outcome.
"What if . . . " resolved. Doesn’t always happen, but it did for us.
@Lindagaf Great post! Your advice echoes the approach given in the new Frank Bruni book, Where You Go Is Not Who You’ll Be: An Antidote to the College Admissions Mania. Highly recommend this read if you want to hear some hopeful stories about kids who are succeeding outside the Ivies and how parents handled rejection from selective schools.
@Massmomm , if anything, you think highly enough of your son to be realistic with him. We don’t do our kids any favors by making them into something they aren’t.
But yes, the Bruni book is an important read, though I thought the related editorial covered the same ground pretty effectively. (For those of us with short attention spans.)
I gotta say that the implicit assumption that Ivies have some “it” is always kind of jarring. I mean, nobody says “one positive of visiting UAA schools (like CMU/UChicago/WashU) is that Harvard felt like a better fit and S/D has no regrets”.
@Lindagaf Nobody is too “smart” in this process. Even with the disclaimers, I feel my son is still hoping I will change the rules. Hoping he makes a mature decision on his own.
@am9799 , following on with what you said, I also think family put pressure on without even realizing it, and then when college time comes, they make assumptions. A lot of people don’t have a clue. I remember my own family, when my D was in 9th grade, making high honor roll, saying things like “she’ll go to Harvard!” Even I had the sense then to immediately say there was no chance of that happening. But I blame myself. If I hadn’t been bragging about her good grades, her good scores at music competitions, winning a county wide art contest, etc,…they wouldn’t have developed their expectations. I bought into it too, because I didn’t realize. It’s all good though, she is going to end up at a college none of them have probably ever heard of, haha!
@Lindagaf this is so true with older family members who haven’t been involved in the college app process in a very long time. My dear mother went to Pomona in the 1950s when it never occurred to her that she might not get in. She was a good student so of course she was going to get in! I tried to explain how hard it is now to her but it was hard for her to grasp it.
Great thread! It should be stickied. I think schools should post not only the the middle 50% of accepted students but what percentage of students with those stats they accept. You may be in the top 25% of accepted students for say Columbia but only 20% of students with those stats get accepted. I think it would put things in perspective and help students grasp the reality of the situation. There is nothing wrong with applying to elite, very selective schools, however, applying with realistic expectations will mitigate the disappointment. I really think the most important advise in this thread is finding your safety first, matches next, then seek your reaches. Done in that order, you will assure that your child has schools they can attend and will be more likely to be happy if they get accepted vs. despondent if they don’t to their reach schools.
My Mom lobbied for an Ivy that would have been a terrible fit for my kid (never mind if he could get in), now he’s stoked for a school about which she says “where’s that again?” Oh well. We’ll find a way to sell his choice to her somehow.
@Lindagaf, I totally agree with you about family pressure, it’s especially hard for kids whose parents were lucky to get into elite colleges. I tell myself I probably wouldn’t be admitted today, but my dad - a typical proud grandpa - keeps telling his friends his granddaughter is following in her mother’s footsteps. When D was on the swim team, he was similarly showing off D’s achievements, but it was much easier to tell him then “Dad, we aren’t raising an Olympic champion. Moreover, I’d rather not have a National champion, either, because competing on that level would consume her entire life. I don’t know how healthy it is to train for 5-7 hours a day, and I am sure it would give her no room for academics or just being a happy well-balanced teenager.” A somewhat similar argument could be made for college, I guess.
@Lindagaf I applied to 2 schools back in the 80’s. Back then we were on our own, I don’t think my parents even knew where I was applying. Different times and more pressure and much more competition… I can say that I am very happy with my sons results so far. He has 6 solid options for an engineering degree. No ivy or elite schools but some very great programs where I think he will thrive. The tough part that we are trying to swallow is the cost. Yikes!
I only have one Aunt alive, and she is in her 90’s. She is happy that my son got great acceptances and always says she wishes her son’s kids were more academic than athletic. This has been going on for years. Both of her grandkids were in the Winter Olympics last year. No matter what I say, she can’t see how incredible their accomplishments are. I also point out how wealthy they have become with their sponsors, but she can’t get it. They are the nicest young adults.
I listen to so many parents and grandparents pushing unrealistic expectations. Law school is no guarantee of happiness or a great income, etc.