<p>D has a friend at Tufts and from FB and skyping, assures me that every college her various HS friends ended up attending has some level of problem with this: Tufts seems to be no better or worse. My theory is that kids no longer have any sense of what the boundaries are when it comes to this stuff. They know it doesn’t feel right to have it going on, but reactions from others range from eww to don’t be so uptight.
I also think it takes a pretty well-grounded 18 year old to confront a roommate and the guy she’s with, late at night, especially if they’re not sober as is often the case. Sure, we know what we’d say, but we’re not insecure frosh, we’re moms who know how to kick some butt!
The best thing about the Tufts decision, IMO, is the conversation that it generated, not only at Tufts but on other campuses as well.</p>
<p>In some ways this is like any other roommate problem–except it may be more difficult to discuss. I think it’s up to the kids to work it out. To me, that’s one of the many non-academic benefits of a residential college–kids figure out how to get along with difficult people and resolve the problems in some way. I think the kid who is the sexile needs to sit down and have a long, serious discussion with the offending roommate. If that doesn’t work–take further steps. I’m not sure the Tufts rule is going to stop the behavior, but it may make it easier for discussions to take place and to find a solution to the problem. If it just makes the kids who are engaging in this behavior stop and think about what they’re doing and be more considerate, then the rule may have served its purpose.</p>
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<p>Sounds like wishful thinking on the part of a bunch of spotty adolescent males to me.</p>
<p>I think it happens all the time. The most common scenario seems to be that one roommate is sound asleep. Other roommate shows up with a friend and they proceed to get in the other bed and have sex. Noise awakens sleeping roommate. “Sleeping” roommate doesn’t know whether to feign sleep or protest. After 10-15 minutes, roommate may have to use the facilties, but not want to turn on the light to find glasses, robe, flip-flops or whatever else is necessary to trek down the hall. Some people do sleep in the buff, and if the “sleeping” roommate does, (s)he is trapped in bed unless they want to give guest an eyefull. </p>
<p>Another variant has roommate come back to room at 2 or 3 am on a weekend night and discover that roommate is in bed with someone. It’s a little late to go ask someone if you can crash and your nightgown and pajamas or whatever are in the room with roommate and guest.</p>
<p>I agree that the rule is a good one–even if it isn’t enforceable. It makes the point that this is not acceptable behavior…and some kids really don’t seem to “get” that it isn’t.</p>
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<p>I love this! Of course one-night stands happened back then. I just don’t know of any instance of them happening in the room with a roommate there – ew.</p>
<p>Freshman year - My D’s roommate had her boyfriend stay in their room for over a week. My D only told me much, much later - she couldn’t even get dressed in her own room.</p>
<p>And the worst part of it was that her roommate had won a prestigious scholarship based in part on her community service and caring for others - she had done a lot of work in Africa. As my D said - she was rich enough to go to Africa and do community service there, but she did not do anything similar in her home community.</p>
<p>Many students today are so self centered they could care less about anyone else. That is just how they are and they are not going to change. They are going to have a BIG shock when they get their first professional job.</p>
<p>My roommate and I agreed, with some protest, to no overnight opposite sex guests if roommate is present, and no male guests after 11:30 on weekdays/2am weekends-- with other women it never matters as long as there is quiet if the other roommate is sleeping. After a few arguments it came down to that. That seems to have removed the avenue for conflict a bit so far as this matter goes, I’m glad we set up that system. We agreed before school even started to no male overnight guests unless one of us wasn’t home, but then she kept trying to kick me out of the room for the night and I had nowhere else to go and refused to let her do that. So then she just had men over to make out from noon to 2am, on school nights, every single day. Didn’t even stop when my parents stopped by to help me with my computer, I warned them they were going to be there in a little while with the expectation they’d cool it, but no luck. My roommate is the only girl in her family so I wonder if she’s ever had to share a room before.</p>
<p>I have never thought of myself as particularly narrow minded (of course I live in the middle of the bible belt so it is all relative) but I am pretty horrified that this appears to happen so frequently. What people do as far as their sex lives in private is not something I concern myself with. But having sex when your room mate is there is just nasty. I think I would tell the room mates that as they want an audience they should just go out and ‘do it’ in the hall or the street where they would be guaranteed a get a larger and more appreciative audience. And I would probably open the door and turn the lights on to make my point. </p>
<p>This thread is just making me cringe.</p>
<p>lol, john, I like your play by play commentary. Wish I had the nerve. </p>
<p>I went to a state school that was pretty conservative–had visiting hours back in the 80s (no overnight guests of the opposite sex). Still, it happened all the time. One year roomie’s boyfriend lived with us for a whole semester. (They were polite, but I didn’t really want a male roommate in a small dorm room/bunk beds).
Senior year–OMG my planned roomie dropped out unexpectedly and a continuing freshman transfer student was put in with me. Kinda hard to “pretend” you’re asleep when you are in the BOTTOM bunk and a couple of drunks are doing it in the top bunk and the bed is banging against the wall. Then the guy went and wiped himself on someone’s towel in the bathroom—ewww. Not sure why I never reported on anyone. It was like an unwritten rule not to tell–and I feared retaliation. I only heard of one couple who got kicked out of the dorms for truly outrageous behavior. </p>
<p>What has changed in this case is not so much that people are having more sex and are being gross and inconsiderate about it, but that roommates (and parents who are paying for those rooms) are asserting their rights.
That’s good. The rude and disgusting person ought to be the “bad guy,” not the victim, who only wants what he/she has paid for and deserves. Permission to tattle has been granted–not that many people will use it.</p>
<p>The scary part is that: What happen if the guy decided to take on his gf’s roomate with unappropriate behavior?</p>
<p>A new definition of “Tufts Syndrome?”</p>
<p>^^^ Post of the Day</p>
<p>Dado’2 – as soon as I saw your name on the thread, I had to see what witty remark you’d have!!</p>
<p>Oops. Didn’t realized I’d earned a wiseguy reputation…</p>
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<p>I agree with jonri; I think it is rarely so blatant that roommate one is studying or on facebook and roommate two comes in with sex partner and goes to town. More like the cases jonri described, with a mix of hormones and bad judgment. If there is any chance something like this might become an issue, roommates should discuss it front.</p>
<p>Did anyone else see this article or thread and have a vision of roommate one throwing a bucket of water on roommate two and sex partner?</p>
<p>Office of the President
Tufts University</p>
<p>Dear Mr. and Mrs. Xyz:</p>
<p>I regret to inform you that your daughter Brittany has been asked to vacate her university residence hall after failing to heed numerous warnings about doing the horizontal monkey in front of her roommate. This was a difficult decision for us, and it was made despite spirited protests from the Alpha Phi Zeta fraternity and the entire men’s lacrosse team. I trust you will help her find suitable accomodations off campus.</p>
<p>Sincerely,</p>
<p>Johnson P. Schmaggle
President</p>
<p>^^^^</p>
<p>Thanks . . . I needed a laugh this afternoon.</p>
<p>^^^^ The ultimate rejection letter, schmaltz.</p>
<p>My s told me he’d seen something about this on CNN. He also told me that one of his friends was on a skype/videocam with her father-- her desk was under her lofted bed. Roommates bed was across from hers. Apparently inthe middle of her conversation with her dad, roommie and bf decide to go at it, in full view of the videocam and the dad. :eek:</p>
<p>I had an inconsiderate roommate freshman yr – I had to do the “pretend to be asleep” thing. Hated it. Roommie didnt care. Ewww.</p>
<p>I haven’t read all the thread notes but I have no problem with this rule. The idea is that in some cases roommates won’t cooperate and an explicit rule means the school can take administrative action. I don’t know the genesis of the rule but it may be that RA’s were being caught in the middle and that they had a few problem cases. This doesn’t change behavior but gives the school a process for handling the cases that can’t be resolved. </p>
<p>That said, the rule may be overkill; the RA’s should be empowered and trained to handle issues like this and the school should stand behind their RA’s.</p>
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Talk about an obscene phone call :o</p>