UCF Admissions Essay Review?

Applying to College Common and Coalition Application
1

<p>I have just recently written my personal essay/statements for my UCF application. I am looking for some feedback on organization and word choices. The directions are as follows;</p>

<p>Essay: The personal statements are a very important part of your application. They assist the university in knowing you as an individual, independent of test scores and other objective data. We ask that you respond to two of the topics below. Your personal statement should be no longer than a total of 500 words or 7000 characters for both statements combined. The best personal statements are not necessarily the longest ones.</p>

<ol>
<li>If there has been some obstacle or "bump in the road," in your academic or personal life, please explain the circumstances.</li>
<li>How has your family history, culture or environment influenced who you are?</li>
<li>Why did you choose to apply to UCF?</li>
<li>What qualities or unique characteristics do you possess that would allow you to contribute to the UCF community?</li>
</ol>

<p>The topics that I picked were numbers one and four. So, here is my essay, and I'm open and grateful to any feedback or comments you may have. Thanks so much!</p>

<pre><code>As I sat on the edge of the bed holding my grandfather’s cold hand, I knew this was it. This was the moment we were dreading for months, and in the blink of an eye, it was over.

My grandfather had been battling lung cancer for most of the short time I knew him. Luckily for me, he was a very stubborn man who refused to endure chemotherapy. Therefore, I never saw the uncontrollable vomiting, the hair loss, or any of the other terrible side effects that come with the toxic therapy. As with any type of cancer though, it was not a sight meant for the innocent eyes of a five year old child.

Watching the death of a family member at such a young age really stuck with me for a very long time. A desire was instilled in my heart that I never would have dreamt possible - to find a cure for cancer. I always knew from a young age that I wanted to follow my mother’s footsteps and have a career in the medical field, and this event in my life really sealed that desire in my heart. I don’t want another person to suffer through the effects that cancer can have on a family.

Despite the fact that this memory lingered in the darkest depths of my mind for years, I decided it was going to work toward my advantage. This has taught me to pick myself up after harrowing times, and to persist, no matter what the circumstances may be.

I feel that because of what I learned, I can give so much to the UCF community. With my passion and will to succeed, the University of Central Florida can be put on the map for a groundbreaking research facility.

In addition to my determination, a positive attitude and a smile shared can go a long way to a stranger who is having a bad day. In my experience, I feel that no day is a good time to waste being unhappy about something; therefore I am always looking for the bright side of things. This positive aura around me will contribute to a congenial attitude around campus, in and outside of the classrooms, not only by me, but by others that I affect.
</code></pre>

2

<p>“I feel that because of what I learned, I can give so much to the UCF community. With my passion and will to succeed, the University of Central Florida can be put on the map for a groundbreaking research facility.”</p>

<p>Comes across a little pompous. It’s like you’re saying “I’m so great, I can single-handedly take this school out of the dumps and put it on top.”</p>

<p>All around, it’s a great essay. I love the way you tied the two questions together. I’m also applying to UCF, and I hope mine turns out half as well as yours did. Haha. Good luck!</p>

3

<p>You shouldn’t post your essay online. If UCF tests it for plagiarism, they can find this post and assume you stole the essay.</p>

4

<p>good essay. super cliche topic. depending on the rest of your app., you might be fine.</p>

5

<p>I’m really confused by their essay. Are you supposed to tie them together into one or can you just answer one and then another? And i agree with the above comment, be careful posting it. You could either get in trouble for plagiarism( even though it isnt technically) or someone else could take it before you submit yours if you havent already.</p>

6

<p>I think your essay is fine but agree it’s best to not post online. i would suggest you delete the post due to plagiarism concerns and maybe ask for people to review it through private messages instead. I don’t think it’s a cliche topic. You lost your grandpa at a young age and it affected you. Also, I don’t think you sounded too pompous. Selling yourself to a school is part of this process. We had one school recommend my kid not be too humble when he applies for scholarships.</p>

7

<p>I think you have a great essay but it can be stolen and sent in from another student. Id take it down and private message it to someone rather than post it for everyone to see.</p>

8

<p>Firstly loved that you put your motivation in your essay. It added a that personal touch that will make it stand out.
I do have to say though that you barely touched base on why you want to apply to UCF. I understand that you think you can contribute there, but out of all the universities in the country why study medicine at UCF? I understand your motivation but not in relation to the school you chose. Just an observation, the rest is great.</p>