<p>Encomium is a wonderful essay writer. I've seen some samples of his work. Great advice, Encomium.</p>
<p>I've read a numner of essays on the various CC threads and it strikes me that many, many of the writers write about "the big risk" (a common prompt, I guess. So many of the kids try to sell themselves in the essay....forcing the essay to tell the story of their accomplishments. One student decribed having written a book as their biggest risk because it could have detracted from their time to work on academics.</p>
<p>Is it really important to try to sell yourself in your essay by writing about your achievements?</p>
<p>People wonder how one can get addicted to this site--just read Encomium's post.</p>
<p>Thanks, I have a couple of typos in there. I guess I should have revised! :)</p>
<p>Achat--Thank you for the compliment. You might be surprised that I have scrapped the pen/thousand exits essay and written a new one. I have also heavily revised my other ones you read as well. </p>
<p>That comes to another point:</p>
<ol>
<li>No matter how much you love your own work, or think the idea is clever, if the essay does not "work," it does not "work." Don't be afraid to scrap it for something completely new. Even if you spent many hours on an essay, it doesn't mean that the essay is getting better. It is in this process of writing that we discover what we are trying to say. Great writers revise and scrap and edit. E.B. White started Charlotte's Web 11 times. Fitzgerald wrote and rewrote paragraph 20 times just to make them beautiful. Baldwin's essay did not pour out of him; it did not "write itself." It was a deliberate work that took a long time to revise.</li>
</ol>
<p>I have read about people who say they wrote their essays in 30 minutes or an hour. I've got news for you:</p>
<p>They're bad. </p>
<p>I'm not trying to say I'm an expert on this or a great writer, but I have studied rhetoric and deliberate writing for a while now with my teacher and am finally beginning to realize the elements of structure, style, and purpose that come into a piece of writing.</p>
<p>I agree that Encomium's post was absolutely wonderful, but I know Encomium will agree with me that there is nothing especially brilliant or new in the post: every single thing was something my kids learned in AP English...or actually BEFORE, as they were all built upon in the Language Arts curriculum over the years.</p>
<p>Having a clear thesis; narrowing your topic; tying the the introductory paragraphs/thesis to the conclusion; having an explicit point; watching your style....</p>
<p>...if your kids didn't learn this in middle and high school, and if it all hits you as something suprising, then it's time to re-think the curriculum!</p>
<p>Really??? D had some performance issues due to a family crisis and GC said that we should briefly speak to that in the essay. She said not to focus on it, but to address it in one or two lines. It seemed to make sense for the student to acknowledge the problem.</p>
<p>Not in the essay. In the section "Is there something else we should know?" In fact, the GC should do the explanation; the student does not want to come across as making excuses or whining.</p>
<p>EncomiumII, wow....great post.....
i have not read everything on this thread, so i may be repeating some stuff that was said....here are the things that i noticed are not mentioned that much, yet are still important:
1. Paint a picture of yourself with every single part of your application - from your resume (activity sheet) to your essays, make sure everything you submit helps paint a cohesive yet multi-faceted picture of YOU
2. Take a tape-recorder and answer the essay question out loud...THEN, type up what you said....this helps preserve a natural voice that is both yours and does not sound akward like some writing does....the admissions officer will be able to read and "hear" you much better if you do this tape-recorder thingie
3. If it helps convey your "voice", do not be afraid to make up your own words...when i speak, i make up words just joking around....some of my friends and i will just have fun with all those stupid SAT words we know - "this is a truly conoundrOUS situation".....you can do this....or italicize certain words for effect....or you can add apostrophes to make it sound like you are saying something...this is from my essay "brand-spankin-new Huntsman Hall" - obviously, this type of writing is not formal, but who said a college essay should be formal?....in the same essay that i said "spankin' " in, i had this more sophisticated passage (i was showing two sides (fun-loving yet sophisticated) of my writing and personality that do not at all clash; this an example of point 1) - </p>
<p>I recognize the talents I have in math, communication, and entrepreneurship; however, I understand that I need to convert my relatively crude natural resources into a versatile, efficient, polished product. After finding myself more and more interested in Wharton, it hit me; the Wharton Undergraduate Program will undoubtedly act as my launch pad, helping to propel me into a business world more complex and competitive than the candy-selling one could ever be. (**in the beginning i talked about selling tootsie rolls in elementary school)</p>
<ul>
<li>i tried to play on business words in a creative way, while explaining, in part, why i want to go to wharton....although I am by no means a good writer, i think that following the advice on this thread would help someone a GREAT deal....</li>
</ul>
<p>Very intellegent people are here, I see.
I have just a little question: I am international, should I mention in my essay that I'd like to stay in USA after graduating?</p>
<p>I don't think the adcoms would care. Immigration officials might (who knows these days?) but they don't read your essays; but adcoms will not.</p>
<p>Momsdream asked: "Is it really important to try to sell yourself in your essay by writing about your achievements?"</p>
<p>Part of the answer to your question is yes and part of it is no. The "yes" is that the applicant should try to "sell" themselves on the entire application, including the essays, by showing just who they are. To do this, they should come up with their strengths, attributes, traits, and "marketing points" that they want to get across on the application. Each essay should focus on one or two of these points. The starting point to the essay is to think of what you want the reader to learn about you when they are done reading. The narrative should show whatever those points are. So, the idea of "selling" oneself is important. </p>
<p>The part of your question that is a "no" is that the essay need not be about one's achievements. The achievements are taken care of more in the resume. The resume also addresses what aspects of the applicant they want to sell or market and those aspects might be more on the achievement end. The essays need not address achievements when the resume has hit on those points. The essays could address other marketing points about the applicant, not the same points as the resume addressed (i.e. achievements). The essay is an opportunity for adcoms to learn something about the applicant that is not as apparent on the other parts of the application. It is a chance to show elements of your character and personality or traits. Perhaps achievements might end up as part of that story, but surely is not a required element.</p>
<p>When you have someone read over your essay, see if they can tell you what the "traits" or characteristics about yourself you were trying to sell in that essay. The marketing points should be inferred, not stated. While the word, "sell" might seem off putting to students, that is basically the approach to the application....trying to show and sell oneself. It is one time in your life when you are not modest. And there is a bit of self examination as to thinking about what your strengths and characteristics are and once you outline those, the topics should follow to show these.</p>
<p>I'd like to say it to the adcom, because my many aspirations and future goals are connected to immigration, and not saying it will leave my application incomplete.
But i have another one: will it hurt my chances or, meanwhile, increase?</p>
<p>Ok, I'm trying to apply to top liberal arts schools and I was curious if doign the "overcoming adversity" topic would be too repetetive. My story effects largely my h.s grades and what I've done and haven't done in hs.
Basically, 9th grade - had major back surgery, recovery period of 10 months, no sports allowed and now permanent rods in my back which inhibit my flexibility for about a foot and a half of my back. At the same period, my family became homeless and i lived at various friends houses and then in a small basement apartment after the surgery. This all happened within 4 months of starting 9th grade. Then 9th started and we had to move out in 2 days from basement apt. and into a friend's house for the next 7 months. While living there (10 of us in household 4 adults, 6 kids of all ages), my dad ditched us and they were separated and then divorced. I was still recovering from surgery... early summer, we moved (mom, me, brother) moved into a shelter for 2 months and then we finally were able to find a low income housing apt. Sophomore yr started, and I switched schools. Switched into much harder school and was behind other "advanced" kids. (ex. old school started spanish at 9th, new school system started it at 7th...same with math ...) Now, its just the three of us in the same place and my mom has been out of work for 3 yrs now and she is almost completey deaf. So..... I don't want to write a pity story... I just want the college to know that my scores, APs and Honors courses would be higher and more plentiful if I didn't have all of this on my plate at the time etc... Any ideas? If not mentioned in the essay, where can I mention it? Thanks
COols875</p>
<p>Cool:</p>
<p>What a story! I'm sure that adcoms at top LACS don't often come across students who have lived in shelters, so your story would stand out. It would make a great essay so long as it is not used to explain away your grades. The reader will be able to make the connection. You could just write about your experience living in a shelter until you could find low income housing. The rest, even you surgery, could be used as "back story" to give more texture to your main theme of homelessness and constant change. </p>
<p>Many applications have a section "Is there anything else you would like to tell us?" or some variation thereof. You can give further details of the many upheavals in your life and explain that your grades suffered not only because of the many changes of address but also because you got into a more difficult school than before. But use the essay to portray yourself as someone who is resourceful when faced with challenges, someone who will have a very different set of experiences to contribute to the college, someone who can do the work. </p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
<p>Cools--</p>
<p>Building of what Marite said... </p>
<p>I would use the information you revealed on your post as "additional information" or perhaps have your GC write up this chronicle in his/her form, and then do an essay on something else for your main one, unless you can find a very artful essayist's slant on this information.</p>
<p>In the book entitled (something like) "Essays that Worked," there are some very powerful essays about "obstacles" that can give you a sense of how to deal with this sort of topic in the main essay, if you feel you want to or must. (One is about a girl whose alcoholic mom committed suicide; it answers the question: "Who were the major influences in your life?" with: "My Dad, my Mom, & Jack Daniels." This gives you an idea how rendering this horrific tale can be done with irony and strength and not as a 'victim.') </p>
<p>Write, for example, about the experience of living in a shelter, or staying in the home of friends-- just one of the stops on the journey you describe above-- in VIVID detail and with insight and emotion; this could be a great essay and convey the meat of the experience while avoiding listing a series of awful things (which would not necessarlily be a good essay.) </p>
<p>Another essay in the book I mentioned was about the death of a parent and it worked beautifully, because it focused on the family's remembering-- long after the dad had died-- that it was the birthday of the dad, and how they marked the day and spent it together remembering him. The author was able to convey the profound loss from the point of view of a survivor, and it was extremely powerful without being at all maudlin.</p>
<p>I congratualte you. You have overcome major obstacles-- and they are significant enought that if the adcom did not know about them their analysis of your application would be fatally flawed. On the other hand, you are the survivor who went through all of this and came out in the running for a top college. Wow! </p>
<p>If you can, think of a topic for your main essay that emphasizes the sort of person who overcomes, survives & shines... or that emphasizes other major aspects of you that are true irrespective of your history of injury & homelessness. Or, if you do decide to write about the adversities, focus-- as a writer, like someone in the New York Times magazine-- on one profound piece of this journey, and render it in exquisite detail.</p>
<p>My D also has a very odd background that she is trying to deal with similarly. She is actually my step daughter, but her dad & I have raised her. She was abandoned by her mother as an infant. This, and her subsequent stormy relationship with her mentally ill mother, has been a HUGE cross to bear in her life. Yet, as much as it "explains" her, it does not, in her opinion, DEFINE her. So her main essay is completely unrelated and does not even reference it. It is upbeat, funny, and warm... all qualities which, despite her history, she is as well.</p>
<p>IMHO, you should reveal the "you" that is at your core in your essay. The other mitigating circumstances of your life can come in tangentially, or be dealt with in other places. </p>
<p>Good Luck!</p>
<p>"7. No matter how much you love your own work, or think the idea is clever, if the essay does not "work," it does not "work." Don't be afraid to scrap it for something completely new. "</p>
<p>Yeah I had to do that- twice for my common app. Although at first I was really frustrated- I ended up really satisfied with my result.</p>
<p>All of the tips here are wonderful- keep it up! :)</p>
<p>Thanks for the advice!! I really like the ideas of focusing on a small experience but using the rest of what happened as "backup info." For some reason, while reading your comments a great memory to write about popped into my head. While I was at the shelter for 2 months, there were other families there seemed to be stuck in a permanent slump (women had kids by various fathers and were still getting pregnant another time). There was one little kid, Eddie. He was an adorable three year old. Absolutely precious, and I would take him on bike rides to the park and sometimes buy him ice cream. It just seemed like such a bad road ahead of him. His mom had 3 boys by diff dads and she would curse each of them out to do stuff .. "eddie get up those fu-ing stairs and give your brother the bottle!"... and eddie was 3. I think i'll talk about the experience with him on the bike with me... the smile on his face.... I'll work on teh idea a bit, but thank you very much for your imput. :-)
COols875</p>
<p>Cool:</p>
<p>Great idea. Remember that the essay has to be about you, so while it's great to include these vivid vignettes, do make sure to bring the essay back to you, and not just as an observer.</p>
<p>Marite is right.</p>
<p>The vignette about Eddie sounds good. To bring it back to you, you could use it as a jumping off point, for example: The forces are tragically against Eddie; how instead did your childhood experiences or parents or_<strong><em>?</em></strong>___ instill in you the resilience and self-confidence to weather the hard circumstances life later threw at you, and mold you into the sort of person who cares, strives, & instinctively wants to protect an Eddie? Why are you NOT in a "permanent slump?" </p>
<p>Use the Eddie episode to open your piece (as an observer/memoirist), then move into essayist mode and talk about yourself for the rest of the piece. That you, too, were in the homeless shelter is tangential to the Eddie part (yet it is there, & dealt with) and in the "you" part you emphasize that though you were challenged by your hard experiences you did not succumb to them. </p>
<p>The line you quoted from Eddie's mom is harrowing and would be a fantastic opener.</p>
<p>My best essay came at the spur of the moment. I was looking at the row of pictures on my mantle and I realized that none of them were of my mother. That was because she was the one who took all the pictures. Upon seeing this, I sat down at my computer immediately and wrote an essay about my mother--that even though she's in the background, she's always shaping and influencing my life. On the other hand, my worst essay (by evil coincidence, also my Harvard essay) was a concocted tale of "finding" myself. </p>
<p>After the college admissions process was finished, I read all my application essays over again and realized that the best ones don't have a topic sentence, or an ABC paragraph structure. The best ones just come with a sense of knowing that it was a good essay. When you get that warm fuzzy feeling inside of you, you know that you've done well.</p>
<p>If you're getting other people to look over your essays, use the "no-pen" rule, meaning that they can't write on your essay. That way, unless it's something grammatical/spelling-related, they won't be inserting their own voice into the essay. One of my friends' uncles once edited her essay, and even though it came out grammatically and structurally correct, all the freshness and vibrancy was cooked out of it. Never do that. I took my friend to keep the original. She did, and got into her first-choice college.</p>