<p>sorry for the super long post!</p>
<p>Woah. I'm sorry that happened to you. I'm also surprised that any school would allow a student to return to classes without a medical leave of absence after a suicide attempt.</p>
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I'm also surprised that any school would allow a student to return to classes without a medical leave of absence after a suicide attempt.
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Yeah, I didn't understand that either. But my proctor said that she must've arranged something (or shown somehow) that she was ready to come back. They couldn't give me details, however, because it is confidential information.</p>
<p>Holy cow hotpiece,
Where do you go to school? Remind me to tell people to stay clear of that place! Sounds like One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest.</p>
<p>I go to penn state and the assignments are completely random. During my first year, I was placed with someone who had absolutely nothing in common with me--not only that, but we actually disagreed vehemently on most topics. In addition, we had problems throughout the semester over bed time, noise, loud music, and light. Oh, and let's not forget the times he returned to the room wasted and threw up in the waste bin and his bringing the girlfriend over when I was trying to sleep or listening to radio when I was reading. It reached a point where communication was minimal and some resentment started to build up.</p>
<ul>
<li>Had I seen his facebook page prior to moving in, I don't think I could deduce his entire persona accurately, but it would have given me a basic idea about his political view, background, and actions, which might have been enough for me to try the luck of the draw again. Hence, I can see how looking a person up might be a positive thing and help make your transition more comforting in case there are blatant discrepancies between you and the future roomate.</li>
</ul>
<p>Doubleplay, I go to Harvard and I don't understand why they were so unresponsive to my concerns... but that roommate wasn't the only crazy one I had. One of my other roomies was an American who lived abroad growing up. She was supppper snobby and obsessed with status. So instead of making meaningful friendships at the beginning of the year, she became friends with anyone who was popular. But, when she drinks, she starts to insult people. And, she was getting drunk every night of the week. So about 2 months into the school year, she had no more friends because she had insulted them all. But one of my other 4 roomies was nice and popular and became friends with all those socialites. Friendless roomie almost had a nervous breakdown. She became bulimic, she was crying all the time, she slept all day, and when she wasn't sleeping, she was watching Gilmore Girls. Her self-destructive behavior drove me crazy, but Harvard said that we should try to work it out. Things got much better second semester, in this case though.</p>
<p>Heaven forbid you should have to deal with someone with different opinions. I thought that was part of college--you know--the learning thing.</p>
<p>This isn't new. H and I went to college at a large state school thirty years ago. My first semester roommate informed me on move-in day ( I was 17) that she was a witch who got her power from Satan and could make me do anything she wanted - could control my mind. His first semester roomie was bi-polar and smoked dope and drank so much he had a psychotic breakdown involving the police calling my H (as an 18 y/o freshman) to come identify him and help them haul him to the psych ward of the local hospital. The difference is we muddled our way through and as far as I know, neither of our parents ever knew anything about either situation. We knew nothing about our roommates until we moved in and we both had new ones second semester.
Is today better or worse?</p>
<p>celloguy and MidwestParent, I think you made some really good points. Made me think about this issue.</p>
<p>Especially -- this was really well said</p>
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I also sometimes think colleges (and maybe parents at times) expect things out of our kids that we would never in a million years expect from ourselves. When the teacher use to put my child between two misbehaving children in class, what did that do for my child?? Nothing, and I complained. If I were in a situation where I had two "misbehaving" adults on either side of me, I would leave. Kids aren't always given that option.
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</p>
<p>I guess I have to wonder though -- if you were in charge of a college, how would you handle the housing situation differently? How do you house together the vast array of students of all backgrounds and proclivities? (which is what colleges want, and what we and our kids want in a college experience).</p>
<p>Some colleges do have specialized dorms, international dorms, all-female, "substance-free" (whatever), or "silent" floors. Some dorms are "language immersion" (but even that doesn't exclude the wacko alcohol-abusing roommate who happens to be a fluent speaker of French).</p>
<p>How is this solved, other than as a case-by-case, room-by-room, college-by-college basis?</p>
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Heaven forbid you should have to deal with someone with different opinions. I thought that was part of college--you know--the learning thing.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>Reminds me of one roommate I had who was a member of the campus conservative association, or whatever it was called. One day I get back and see that the smoke detector has been disconnected. Well, it turns out that this dude had been burning feminist flyers indoors. They had to disconnect the smoke detector after it started going off uncontrollably.</p>
<p>It was pretty funny. I'm not sure I'd call it a learning experience though.</p>
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How is this solved, other than as a case-by-case, room-by-room, college-by-college basis?
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</p>
<p>I think the most important thing is to keep in mind that you are not necessarily doing kids a favor by putting them into an uncomfortable living situation. While there is value in getting people out of their comfort zones, a person's living situation should give him or her a zone with a certain degree of safety and privacy.</p>
<p>Second, I would build housing with a lot of single rooms. My freshman dorm room, which I shared with 1 other guy, was quite large. I would have been a lot happier with a single room of 1/3 the size.</p>
<p>Are there more psycho-vandalistic crackpots going to college now? With all the recommendations, counselor evaluations, personal essays, activity lists, etc. in addition to the good old transcript and SAT, doesn't it seem odd that adcoms can't do a better job of stocking their ponds?</p>
<p>I WANT to feel like all those essays my kids had to write, the resumes (some of which included a personal photo!), the "peer letter", the "family friend letter", the teachers and the school recs, the personal interview...weren't for nothing. Seems like they must have been if you can go off to school with high hopes for a top-notch education and end up with some of the roommies these folks have had.</p>
<p>Despite having enough bedrooms that all of our children could have their own rooms, our children have to share a room. The premise is that it would make them better roomies for either a dorm or apartment with people they didn't know or people they knew well. IT is to have them practice consideration for anothers space. Well enough said, the oldest 2 daughters are complete opposites in personalities and viewpoints on everything. Needless to say D who will leave for school here shortly has taken the attitude the she can only go up in terms of her roomie. She is excited to meet her roomie whom she has been emailing and they both seem like it will be a good match. Whether in a single, double, triple or quad I view dorming as the next step in independence and growth for the young adult. I also know that I was a horrible roomie in both the dorm and the apartment as I had always had my own room, my own stuff and my parents never required the 3 of us to share a thing. I think it is important that the roomies develop a contract that they both can live with. IT is about compromise and knowing that you may not love it but can you live it. IT is about your young adult learning to use his/her voice to be assertive in a postive light that is productive and effective. Finally when deciding on a university the total package is important for evaluating the "fit" of the school for your young adult. This I believe extends beyond the academics and the financial aspect to include the degree of independence required for the young adult as he/she is learning to use his/her voice.</p>
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Despite having enough bedrooms that all of our children could have their own rooms, our children have to share a room. The premise is that it would make them better roomies for either a dorm or apartment with people they didn't know or people they knew well.
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</p>
<p>What is the extra room used for?</p>
<br>
<blockquote> <p>This isn't new. H and I went to college at a large state school thirty years ago. My first semester roommate informed me on move-in day ( I was 17) that she was a witch who got her power from Satan and could make me do anything she wanted - could control my mind. His first semester roomie was bi-polar and smoked dope and drank so much he had a psychotic breakdown involving the police calling my H (as an 18 y/o freshman) to come identify him and help them haul him to the psych ward of the local hospital. The difference is we muddled our way through and as far as I know, neither of our parents ever knew anything about either situation. We knew nothing about our roommates until we moved in and we both had new ones second semester. Is today better or worse?<<</p> </blockquote>
<br>
<p>I think it is worse today for 2 reasons - 1) We have better psychiatric medicines so sicker people can become at least partially stable and attend college - obviously this is mostly a positive thing, because young people who would have had their lives severely limited or even ruined 30 years ago, can now attend college while they are being treated. BUT, it allows more opportunity for kids to "go off the deep end", when they don't take their treatment regularly or have less than a complete remission of their symptoms 2) Because of HIPAA and the newer rules for autonomy of the mentally ill, it is much harder to get help for people who need it, easier for them to refuse, harder for the family to intervene with an unwilling person. Again, there were a LOT of good reasons for the changes, but an unintended consequence is that sicker kids may be living in a dorm, going undertreated, for longer periods of time.</p>
<p>While I think Hotpiece's story may be a little exaggerated, and may have another side to it, that sort of prolonged drama was less common 30 years ago.</p>
<p>I have talked to my D a bit about safety, along these lines. She has not had a roommate or anyone on her floor who had the type of problems outlined here, but she has had a couple of floormates with some bizarre behaviors and affects. VT notwithstanding, I still think that trying to get along and resolve problems is the best approach and should be done by the student first and mostly. I just talked to her about the importance of her feeling safe and her friends feeling safe as a measure of whether or not odd behavior was something more than just odd. I'm afraid, though, the roommates of that kid at VT probably never felt "unsafe" until it was too late. :(.</p>
<p>When I first transfered to the college I graduated from, I went through roommate h***, owing to problems finding a dorm where I needed to be, and then putting up with some truly bizarre behavior. I moved several times. The first was to get into a dorm on the same campus as my classes were. The roommie I had at the first one was a Polish grad student (No. 1)--we were operating at different levels, but would have gotten along fine.</p>
<p>The room I moved into was nearer campus. However, the roommate(2) smoked constantly, insisted on the TV being on 24/7, and had loud arguments on the phone with her boyfriend all night long. When i tried to talk about "compromise", she tiraded at me about not telling her what to do. I moved across the hall, and she was thrown out of the dorm soon after for refusing to do the work which was in lieu of reduced housing fee. Didn't want to compromise there, either, apparently.</p>
<p>The girl I roomed in with then(3) was nice and we got along fine. However, three months later, she got the opportunity to move in with her best friend. That's when the housing office assigned a paranoid schizophrenic (No. 4--I'll call her C) who'd walked out of an asylum against doctor's advice which she'd been sent to for assaulting someone she "thought" was attacking her (this was her story, anyway).</p>
<p>Not wanting to look difficult, I stuck out her frequent anxiety attacks which meant me bringing her to ER, her brewing of vile-smelling potions, insisting on all lights off during the day while staying up all night long, stuff of mine (like camera) disappearing, and constant long, rambling "conversations" which made study or sleep impossible. Everyone in the house was afraid of her; however, the RA was only concerned that we not get her into trouble or sent back to the hospital.</p>
<p>Finally, it came to a head after she decided I was no longer her "friend." She thought she could trust me, but it turns out I was like all the others. Oh, and, evil spirits were coming through the window (over my bed) that she needed to defend herself from.</p>
<p>I never slept in the room again; moved to my bf's place till a dorm room opened up. Once I was settled in (with roommate no. 5!!!!), C came by to ask why I'd moved. Not wanting to anger or upset her, I spoke of our different "sleeping" and "study" habits. It turned out, she was just afraid that I'd been fleeing the "evil spirits" her mother was sending to the room. I assurd her that I hadn't sensed them at all, and she was satisfied. Shortly after, she was kicked out for non-work (like the other roommate). Apparently, you can terrorize your roommate, but you better not forget kitchen duty.</p>
<p>Anyway, that is my saga of 5 roommates. The last one and i did fine and roomed together the next year.</p>
<p>This was not, overall, a character-building experience, and I defy anyone to tell me that my college experience necessitated this much turmoil, aggravation, and, frankly, fear. I just don't buy it .</p>
<p>Wow. After reading this, I appreciate how lucky my two have been.
D is close friends with the girls she roomed with in freshman year - actually roomed with combos of the suite throughout her four years, and still talks to them every week or so since she's been home.</p>
<p>Son had a fantastic roomate last year. We've been invited to his home for a meal this Friday night with his family. Of all the kids he could have been placed with from around the country, he got a room with a guy from the next city down the coast. </p>
<p>I will say that despite their good experiences, they are both looking forward to singles next year. It is nice to have a place to call your own, even if you are well matched.</p>
<p>I'd be pretty annoyed if I was taking out loans equivalent to the value of my house for my child to go to Harvard, only to have them end up living in a situation like the one described. "Helicopter parenting" can partially be explained by the amount of financial sacrifice parents are expected to make these days for college.</p>
<p>garland-</p>
<p>I guess the upside is that each time housing did find you a new room.</p>
<p>Wow, truly scary roommate stories here! Maybe for a gap year we could have our kids share a jail cell with a convict - there's an preparatory experience.</p>
<p>I had a triple with 2 immature roommates. One studied, but she fought with the other, who sold grass and pills, smoked in the room, etc. It was disruptive in the extreme. Thankfully I stuck it out, but I really think schools should move on change requests when things get to the point of fearing for one's safety.</p>
<p>And I'm upset that anyone would question the veracity of some of these bad roommate accounts.</p>