This is the first year we are considering boarding school. So before we get decision letters, we wanted to ask those who have kids in BS or have gone themselves - is it worth it? We definitely see all the pros and cons short-term but how about once they are in college or adults? Does the investment truly merit the sacrifice of time away from family and sacrifice of money that could be used for elsewhere? What are the benefits long term?
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Our son is six years beyond BS graduation and has thanked us many times for the exceptional gift of his high school education and experience, a package he could not have gotten at home. The long-term benefit is the enduring quality of that education and those experiences. They are his for life, and he cherishes everything he got from Choate, the education, athleticism, memories, and lasting friendships. Also, he is investing now for sending his as-yet-unborn children to BS.
Most here will tell you that their BS students hit the ground running in college and report home that (any) college is easier than their boarding school. Our son was so exceptionally well prepared. He was able to seek out and take advantage of resources his college offered that were not on the regular menu. He knew how to advocate for himself academically and how to tap into the brain trust of his college, not just move through the curriculum. When his classmates were struggling to survive the adjustments of being away from home, making travel plans, learning time management/organization, and confronting (real) college-level material for the first time, none of those things phased him–or any of our BS kids for whom college is their fifth year navigating those waters, and they do it with ease. Also, in our son’s case, his small college classes and teaching methodology mimicked the round-table Harkness/Socratic method of his high school which posed huge adjustments for his classmates but was just more of the same for him.
For us and our son, BS was a gift, but I will say that if we had had a truly stellar local option, we would not have considered boarding school. As I always post here, we missed a lot. He missed nothing. It’s hard to let your child go at that age, but we need to remember–it’s not about us, it’s about them.
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I can’t add much to what @ChoatieMom said (it’s well said) except to say that if money is not an issue, then BS is the best alternative in so many ways. I would not, however, go into major debt since you do have college to think about. For us, we were fortunate to get a good amount of financial aid and saved more in the first two years by having our DS attend as a day student, then as a full boarder for the last two. If day student is not an option then cost may be a deciding factor. Our breakpoint was that the total cost (excepting room and board) had to be in striking distance of what a good area private day school (ie. Catholic) would cost. Fortunately there were two excellent ones within 10 miles of our home if necessary. Ultimately, DS’s experience at BS was terrific and the absolute best decision we could have made to prepare him for college and life afterwards.
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As a family with one who just started BS this year as a freshman and an 8th grader waiting on M10 right now, I’ll say that for us when we considered this very question, it was not about where she will get in upon graduating, but who she will be upon graduating. I also will add that for us, the idea that she will “hit the ground running faster” at college was not a compelling reason to send her away for 4 years. She might have a rougher first semester in college without that great training, for sure, but I wasn’t about to lose my kids from our nightly dinner table to make freshman year of college less of a culture shock. (Note: many people will disagree with my take on this, but wanted to share that.)
for us (again, at the beginning of the investment!), it was this: will BS environment coax something fundamentally different in our girl than a top local day school? And the answer is yes for both of our kids who decided BS is their path. (We have non-BS kiddos too, and that’s also great.). For our BS kids, I think they will benefit in different ways (which is why their school lists were also so different), but for both, I feel strongly that they will fundamentally be changed for the better by the experience, far beyond just “strong academics.” We have great academics available here for free (“for free” once I pay my crazy property taxes!).
I believe there was a whole thread on this from last year if you want to do some searching.
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I did not go to boarding school, and thought anyone sending their kids to one was kind of nuts. We were lucky enough to send our 3 kids to 2 different boarding schools as day students, and my youngest started boarding his junior year. My oldest is 4 years out of college and established in a career; middle is a junior in college and youngest is a senior in boarding school.
All three strongly believe the boarding school is what made them who they are today and the two out of BS both feel a much stronger connection to the boarding school than to their colleges.
If I were to sum up the value of boarding school for my kids, long term, it would be that BS really pushed them, and pushed them to become the best version of themselves.
Drew Casertano, the recently retired Head of Millbrook said we parents should be asking ourselves “does the school set the student up to be happy and successful (however they define success) 20 years from now”. I think he is right, and I think my kids have been set up to be happy and successful (as they define success).
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I agree with this and had no knowledge of this benefit when our son was applying. When I say “hit the ground running,” I’m not just referring to freshman year logistics. I’m referring to the consumption level of all four years of college. Our BS kids not only make the initial transition with ease, they move through all fours years better prepared to be savvy consumers of all their colleges have to offer. They’ve also accumulated a confidence, sophistication, and ease in their skin that I believe helps them navigate and take advantage of their college years at their highest level.
I have also posted many times over the years that the very best thing our son got from Choate was crew. It definitely “coaxed something fundamentally different” out of him that he never could have gotten at home. He was pudgy when he enter BS and had zero athletics prior. He worried about the sports requirement because, not only had he never played a sport or thrown a ball, he never watched sports or had any interest. When he had to choose an activity at BS, he looked at the physiques of the rowers and thought, “I want to look like that!” Believe me, he had a long way to go but, by the end of freshman year, we hardly recognized the kid we’d dropped off in September. He stuck with rowing and made the varsity team his junior year. He got that physique. Then, he chose the military for college and had to pass the Army Physical Fitness Test (APFT), first to qualify for an appointment and then multiple times a year at the academy. Fail it twice in row, you get separated; fail before graduation, you don’t graduate. Fitness is an ingrained part of his life now.
It took courage for our formerly bullied out-of-shape son to show up for crew, but he said that no one made fun of him or made him feel unwelcome. In fact, the experienced rowers were very patient with him, and it was their kindness and encouragement that helped him stick with it. We were so impressed by their inclusiveness. Given how transformative crew was for him, it trumped academics by far. He didn’t have to work anywhere near as hard on his schoolwork as he did on his body, and his teammates encouraged him every step of the way. We are forever grateful to Choate for giving him an opportunity to be part of a team and all that entailed. He went on to row at West Point and, sophomore year, his four took the gold in its class at the New York State Championships. He hung up his oar after that to focus on competing on the Cyber Team, but rowing is in his blood now, and he continues to erg and row for personal pleasure. Again, another priceless gift.
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thanks for jumping in on that @ChoatieMom – I think I probably sounded reductive and didn’t mean to. But yes to all you said.
Since the parents seem to be pretty positive on boarding schools, I was wondering if they are able to separate out what made the boarding school great.
For example, I can think of several reasons to prefer boarding schools: 1) selective student population; 2) better teachers / better ratios; 3) the actual “boarding” part which presumably grants them independence and a 24/7 school experience. 4) other?
1+2 are also happening, to various degrees, at private day schools.
One way to ask this, hypothetically, if your child could have attended the same school as a day student (and at a lower price), would you still have sent them? Or is the actual boarding part of the experience critical enough that you wouldn’t want them there as a day student?
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I’ll just pipe in to say that for the most part, day students at BS have the same experience as boarders except that they spend some time in a car every day and sleep at home.
Many day students stay for dinner to do evening activities/study and are on campus on weekends to be with friends and do weekend activities. It will be a very different experience than attending a day school.
I will also say, depending on the school and the kid, that the bonds with adults at school may not be as strong for a day student. It will probably be assumed that you’d be the go-to for problems, and the adults who are most heavily charged with “nurture” tend to be dorm parents. It’s not to say that a day student won’t have those amazing ties with certain adults, but imho, probably less than boarders.
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My day students got to school at approx. 8 am and didn’t leave until 10 pm. They got most of the boarding experience. My youngest, who started boarding said it was much easier, as he didn’t lose so much time transitioning from school to home.
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We had a stellar public school option in terms of academics. But there were other issues at the public school. It’s really too hard to go into all but we had an inkling and later published reports proved true.
For us it was a determination of what is the best thing to do. It was a very difficult decision as we have multiple kids and would need to provide same for all.
Benefits: Small classes allow deep learning in each class. The curriculum offers advanced subjects that even large publics don’t have. There are things that wouldn’t be present at all at LPS including: seminars, close connection with staff and admin. The arts are amazing. Sports: Small school means my kids can easily be on the Varsity team for multiple sports. Guidance is great. Small community that cares for one another. Best self: ( Kids do their best but aren’t hyper competitive to be the #1, they are worried about being their best. Kids are all on THEIR own path helped along by the teachers and staff. Kids get invited to do things that they might not know about otherwise.
Con: Cost, GPA’s, limited teacher pool ( so you could have the same French teacher multiple years etc.
The GPA is a big factor. On CC, you will often hear people saying that all schools are known and a low GPA from a BS means the same as a high GPA from elsewhere. GPA can be an issue for scholarships and even colleges. BS kids are already a small pool ( of those who applied). Sot they tend to be stronger students. Being in the top 10% of a strong pool is tough. Kids at BS tend to also be more engaged across the spectrum. This helps kids develop their social and emotional skills.
For us, education is the best gift we can give. I don’t mind paying the fees because it’s not just where you end up ( college). The most important thing is the path you are on. The experience is unmatched. Though it took us a long time to decide on BS, we’ve never looked back. It’s in the category of one of the best things we’ve ever done.
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I loved the “happy” comment! Our kid is a happy kid with a good personality like many kids of parents here and the students applicants. We hope that if he gets admitted, he will not lose his happiness for the next four years, and his personality traits get nurtured. These are the most important aspects for us. May I ask, what is the second school your kids go/went to?
Two went to Hotchkiss, one went to Millbrook. Did your child apply to either of them?
He applied to Hotchkiss. It is one of his favorites.
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There are a few Hotchkiss parents on the board, and I would be happy to share what I know. Fingers crossed!
I went myself and two of my 4 children currently attend, I anticipate sending the other 2. The independence gained is invaluable, I found it easy to hit the ground running at an Ivy League school after boarding school.
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Thank you! 11 more days! Then, (hopefully), I’ll seek your wisdom!
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Sorry for the late contribution, but these are things that have made bs worth it (kiddo is still a bs student, so I don’t have a long view post-college):
- Exposure to/living with students from all over the world
- Exposure to/living with impressively disciplined, hard-working students - seeing behind the curtain on how different people approach the same work (how they really study, not just what they say they do), and how successful the different approaches are; then being able to choose how you want to be based on all of that data.
- (especially potent for an only child) living with prefects who serve as role models and substitute big sibs, and then hopefully handing down that wisdom to the younger students as they come along
- Owning and shaping a community - waking up with people, eating with people, and sleeping under the same roof - that full emersion experience is different than living at home, though I think a day student at a boarding school does get most of it.
- The independence and skill-building.
- The efficiency and regimen of the day - so much gets packed into a day because there is no commute time
- The relationships with teachers is different when they live on campus - I love that kiddo gets to see how a bunch of different adults live their lives and parent their kids. That thing that happens that kids assume everyone’s homes run the same as theirs - that is blown out of the water. I figure kiddo has a smorgasbord of modeled adult behavior, and he gets to pick and choose how he wants to adult when the time comes (this is what I think of when people say you are sending your child to people, not a school). He doesn’t have to default back to the way we do things if he sees other ways work better.
- Whatever that nameless, mysterious thing is that happened over the first two years of bs that shifted our relationship with him profoundly for the better. You have read people talk about it in other threads, that “it” factor. Our conversations are deeper, he is more appreciative, he contributes to the household work happily. I can’t even describe it. He is centered and has such a great balance. He is more mature than his cohort at home - but not in a way like he has skipped to adulthood and we missed it. It is like he is all the great things about being 16, but more so and without the bad stuff. When he is home we get all the good stuff.
This comes at a huge cost, though. God, we miss him when he is at school. And we know he only gives us a curated peek into his world. The inside jokes with his friends, the small daily struggles the small daily celebrations, the mundane stuff parents overhear when their kids are home, we know little of it. I know there have been formative events in his life, but I don’t know what. What his friends are really like - we are not privy to it. I rationalize that this is true for all parents of teens, but it has to be worse for bs parents.
On balance, I have no regrets. Yes, he will hit the ground running at college, but that is secondary. Because he is so centered and comfortable in his skin, I feel like he will be prepared to make his way beyond college, too.
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My son is only one year out but I agree with all of this.
@floating123, we are lucky to have a great BS very close. My son was a day student there for two years and then petitioned us heavily to let him board. He “won” and we let him board for years 3 and 4 (until covid hit in March.) He was an enthusiastic day student and was at school breakfast-dinner+ 5-6/week. It would have been a great experience with just that. BUT, I have to say, boarding made it even better. He really developed a mentor/mentee relationship with his coach/dorm sup/advisor (all the same person) and continues to look to him for advice on some things. He further developed bonds with other adults on campus and with kids in the dorm that were outside his normal sphere. He would never have met his senior year roommate and close friend if he hadn’t boarded junior year. He developed independence even beyond what he had already begun to develop as a day student. So, I think he would have had the full experience as a day student all 4 years but had a bonus even fuller experience with the boarding added in.
Two caviats - Boarding was great for my son but is not for everyone. My son would be the first to tell you that from what he saw some friends experience. Also, I do think it can be harder to find some respite from stress when you are boarding. Thankfully, a lot of support is built in or available if you ask for it.
@ChoatieMom , It’s interesting that you say your son is investing for future kids to be able to go to BS. My son has already talked about sending his future kids to BS!
For background, everyone else in the family, including his older sibling, went to public school for K-12. DS went to public k-8 before going to BS.
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I wouldn’t do it, and I wouldn’t call that an investment either. I would say, teenagers need their parents more than any other time in their lives. There are plenty of educational opportunities and job prospects available without having to send them off for 9 months out of the year. To me, having my kid home during the summer sounds more like visitation rights.