Wanting to transfer, parents refuse. Help.

Transfer Students
1

Hi everyone. This is a long read, but I’m trying to explain everything.

I’m an 18 yr old girl, turning 19 next month. I just finished my freshmen year at a large university in the Midwest.
To start off, I absolutely hate it. I initially chose this school because of family on my dad’s side (aunt, cousin, grandparents; this is my dad’s hometown). This school was the first one I was admitted to in November 2014 out of the five I applied (4/5 accepted), and I ended up “committing(?)” to the school January 2015. It’s about 2 hours from my dad’s family as I mentioned before.
Before my senior year ended, I met a great group of friends that now all go to the same school back where I lived. I am a military child, so my parents no longer live there (east coast), and they now live in California. The school my friends go to is about 3 hours from their hometown. I chose to go to my school about a month before my friend group chose to go to their school. My current (long distance) boyfriend attends school there as well… about 9-11 hours away.
As the summer approached, I was feeling anxious, antsy, scared just like any new student. Well, that’s what I figured anyway. I’ve never had a history of anxiety, depression, etc. All of that changed going into my freshmen year. Yes, I know it’s normal to feel nervous and scared because it is a huge change. Being a military child all my life and moving constantly, I figured it wouldn’t be any different. I have settled before and I have dealt with it. I figured that I could do it with no problem. I regret that decision so much. I miss my friends (we all still have a group message going on, to this day). I have made a couple of friends at my school but I just can’t seem to be excited to see them this upcoming semester.
My great grandmother died the middle of my freshmen year, and she wasn’t in the state the whole time I was there. Family was my initial reason for going. My dad always says I should try to make a point to go and drive and see my aunt and cousin for the weekend but it’s a two hour drive, I have homework and tests to study for, and I also work. it’s not as easy as he thinks it is.
I talked to my parents Christmas break of my first semester about wanting to transfer to the school my friends and boyfriend attend. My dad seemed to initially be understanding and listened to what I have to say. He was the only one I talked to because my mom was asleep. Unfortunately a couple of days later, they told me I could not transfer because they felt the state had “nothing for my future”, and didn’t want me going because of “some boy.” Mind you, we have been together for a year and a couple of months. My mom even said, “I can’t believe you even thought you had a chance (to transfer).” I was devastated. However, despite everything I tell them, I also have friends there. Most of the people I knew from high school go to that school and I would feel a lot more welcome and happy being there. I’ve visited several times to see my boyfriend and my friends and I love it. I feel like I’m actually getting the college experience, I run into people I know all the time. It’s not the same at my school … I just sit in my room, constantly study alone, and when I do go out i hate it. I’ve never been someone to go out and party, and that’s what the girls I’ve met do. They’re nice, but it’s just as if I don’t feel like I belong. I’ve explained this to my parents a number of times and they don’t get it. This idea that I’ll “thank them one day” for them not letting me transfer is killing me. And if I don’t, now what? I’m just going to have a miserable four years at an overly expensive school I didn’t even get any scholarships from? I was accepted to the school I want to transfer to when I was applying my senior year, and I had two scholarships which would have practically paid off instate. My dad let me have his post 9/11 bill to pay off my college tuition to any school that accepts it, so money isn’t an issue and I can’t use it as an excuse to find a cheaper school.
As of right now I’m majoring in psychology. I’m getting nervous thinking about it now. Im afraid I won’t be able to get a solid job after graduating with my major. I’m terrified. I love anything to deal with criminals and forensics. I wanted to go into forensic psychology but I don’t think my school has it. The school I want to transfer to has forensic science as a major and I would love to do that. But I feel like that won’t be enough to convince my parents. They’re too hardheaded to realize I have goals and aspirations I want to accomplish that I won’t be able to achieve where I am right now. The school I’m wanting to transfer to is maybe 20 ranks below the school I’m at now. However it has an awesome engineering program, as my school has a great journalism program. There are ups and downs to both schools, but they don’t care. They hated living in the state, and they don’t want me to be there just because THEY don’t. They have a biased opinion towards it and that’s it. that’s final. I have tried to convince them and tell them how fun it is being there but it’s not going through to them.
My dad went to school after enlisting. He already had a wife and kids, so he didn’t get that “experience” as a young adult in college. He had other priorities, so having friends, having a social life, wasn’t on his to do list. He isn’t like that anyway. My mom didn’t go to college. They have never been put in my situation.
They told me I either can transfer to a school in California, or I have to stay. yes, California seems amazing and it is. However, I do not want to follow my parents around all my life. What happens when I graduate college and I’m living in a state with an expensive cost of living. Who’s to say I can even pay my own bills? I don’t want to be the kid who lives with their parents straight out of college because they wouldn’t let me choose my education and life elsewhere. They argue by asking me, “do you honestly see yourself living in that state your whole life?” Of course I don’t. I don’t even see myself living in the state I am now. I don’t know where I want to be at all. It’s just my education, it doesn’t mean I am going to make a set decision and live there forever. By the time I would be able to fully live in California for school, it’ll be junior year. Great, so no friends, again. I can’t do this.
Everytime I see a picture of people I know or people in their school gear from the school I want to transfer to my heart gets so heavy and I start to get extremely anxious and I’m overcome with sadness. I hate my school, I cannot go back. I’m already so upset thinking about it. I get to see my parents for only Christmas and summer breaks, and every other break I try to get time off to drive to see my boyfriend, his family, and my friends.
I want to try one more and ask my parents if I can leave but I don’t know how to approach it. Once my parents say no, it’s usually set in stone. I know, I’m 18. But they’re still my parents. I can’t just do what I want when I want. They have control over me and that’s how it’s always been. I’ve been to scared to bring it up again because of how let down I was when they told me I wasn’t going to be able to transfer. I finished my school year with a 3.45. first semester was a 3.46, and my second was a 3.43. I do well, I study, I respect and listen to my parents. I don’t know how else to show them I’m a good kid and that them defining my future is taking a toll on me mentally. I don’t know what to do.

2

Look, right now you’re going to college thanks to your parents. So your choice is either to stay at that college or move to California - you wouldn’t live with your parents, California is a huge state, just pick a college that’s not in their town.
To make friends, you actually need to stop sitting in your room. Prop your door open whenever you’re in. Find 5 clubs that don’t involve drinking and go to every meeting, inviting people to eat lunch with you. Find a charity club where you have to DO something - tutor, build a house, help older people etc. Be a 'buddy ’ for an international student, helping them navigate the campus and culture shock.
You’ll make friends by doing things with them.

3

Yes, think about how you made your friend group during your senior year of high school.

I agree that you need to find some activities where people actually do things (like hiking, volunteering in the neighborhood, etc.) and make friends that way. Also, if you recognize students in your class who live in your hall, ask them if they want to get together and study or work on homework,etc.

Consider getting a part time job at your college so you can meet more friends that way.

Alternatively, think about a new college closer to where your parents live now.

4

You give no reasons for hating your current school except that you haven’t made friends - b/c you stay in your room and you don’t like the way that the girls on your hall socialize.

You give no reasons for transferring to the other (lower ranked) school except that your bf and group of friends from spring of senior year are there and you have fun when you visit.

You suggest that your current school might not have the major you want- but you haven’t done the homework to find out, and the fact is that the majority of large state schools will have some version of forensic psychology. And, fyi, that is a field that requires graduate school for most career paths.

You say that you listen to your parents, but you dismiss their arguments as being simply close-minded bias.

You describe yourself as an emotional wreck over this (re-read your post and look at how many emotive phrases you use).

Based on this post you have not made your case that you are approaching the transfer question in a mature, thoughtful, considered way. If you were my collegekid I wouldn’t be convinced that you have made either a good-faith effort to settle in to your new school or that you have compelling reasons to go to your bf’s college.

So, some questions to think about:

Does your bf ever visit you?
Are the costs of your trips (eg, gas / wear & tear on your car / travel time / time away from other things that are important to you / expenses while you are there) shared fairly?
How much of your anxiety about being in a different college relates to the possibility that he will break up with you?

While you are thinking about those things, go re-read @MYOS1634’s post- and follow the advice.

*Also, use your fb group with your HS friends to stay in touch, not to tie you to just one life.

5

It’s hard to explain that I do go out every other weekend to try and get to know people. It’s already sophomore year and I don’t see myself distancing away from these people. It’s just when I am not going out I’m trying to get my mind off of being alone and I just do work. I also do have a part time job at a retail store but I’m the youngest one there – I did go to my asst. manager’s party she held but the people there were like late 20’s lol.

I dislike my school not just because of the friends but my family is too far away to be able to feel like home. My aunt and cousins can’t come and visit and trying to make time to see them isn’t enough. I’m just a college kid, I don’t have the means or time to constantly drive up every weekend and juggle a social life, a job, etc. Also, I’ll just say it. I go to Mizzou; have you seen the train wreck that has happened there lately? I was not a part of it because I am there getting my education and to not start protests and skip class. The media coverage has already been bad enough, the admission rates have dropped significantly and the tuition rates have risen. If you look up “'Mizzou”, all you’re going to get are news articles of our four dorms getting shut down bc of the lack of students admitting, the awful media coverage received, and not about our awesome J school or anything like that.

Trust me guys, I’m going to try and make it a priority to get into something my sophomore year. Maybe sororities. One of the girls im friends with may want to rush. I want to show my parents I have tried, and if by then I’m still not happy I want to ask again. I don’t want to spend my four years of college regretting my decision. I’m just not an extrovert at all, and making friends has been difficult for me because of my constant moving as a military child. Yes, it may seem as if I should be a pro at making friends but as you get older, it gets more difficult. I did talk to several people my first days there trying to make connections.

Sorry for the miscommunication, it was 3:40 am and I was real upset last night when posting this. I did try to look up if Mizzou offers forensic/criminal psychology but they don’t. I do plan on going to grad school, btw regardless.

Questions to answer: Yes, my boyfriend and one of my best friends has visited me during the year. I would say that it was easier for my to travel to see everyone else because they all didn’t have their cars with them-- they were all back at home. I had my car easy access, and I just made time to see them on breaks where I wouldn’t be able to see my parents. And yes, I would say some of my anxiety is definitely from worry that my boyfriend will leave me. But I feel like with any long distance relationship there are worries like that regardless.

I try to understand my parents POV: they’re my parents, they want what they think is right for me, and they’re just trying to mold me into a great future. I completely understand that. But also living in that state for three years, I saw how much my parents disliked the state bc there weren’t any big cities for them to go out to and spend time with us, it was small and they felt like they wasted there time there. I had a great time living there and making friends all of high school. My experience was completely opposite of them, and now the only arguments they’ve made was that they just don’t see the state offering me anything even though I’ve told them I only want to go to school there because I like it a lot more, I love the area and the atmosphere, and not because I see myself being there the rest of my life.

I just need help as to how to go forth with a mature, compelling answer because I have been struggling with my emotions quite a lot – I feel like they’re getting in the way of me getting taken seriously.

6

Are you in the J school?
Rather than a sorority, why don’t you join Habitat for Humanity?
Are you on campus right now? In California with your parents?

7

No I’m not. It’s just what Mizzou was widely known for before the protesting. I don’t know there are still a lot of options but a sorority seems like one of my choices because Greek life on campus is so prevalent there. But yes, in California currently.

8

Don’t use this as an excuse with your parents – it’s not as convincing as you think it is. I dated someone for 13 months during high school who was the absolute wrong match for me and was relieved when I eventually realized it and dumped him.

Sorry to hear about your troubles, though. Lots of good advice given above. Good luck – and if you start to feel too down, look into counseling services on your campus.

9

Start exploring CA colleges. Preferably within driving distance to your parents, but not the same town.
Unless you’re talking about Truman State, SLU, or, maybe, MUST, I wouldn’t recommend transferring to the other school. Choosing a school because friends attend is understandable but is not the right thing to do.
If attending a CA college is possible, see if you can do that - the change in environments and student culture may help. The academics may well be better. No reputation for leadership failure, racism, and student protests. And every break, make it a point to go visit your friends - Fall break, New year’s, spring break, part of the summer. Use your work study money.

10

No worries, I don’t use it as an excuse. I know the last thing they care about is a relationship that started my senior year. They’re still stuck on my ex that I dated for two anyway, haha. I was thinking about counseling on campus too. Thank you

11

Thanks everyone. These weren’t the answers I typically wanted but I don’t know, I’ll try and change my mindset. Seems like it’s not heading the way I would like. Can’t wait to graduate! Lol. Once again thank you

12

Won’t you at least look at colleges in California?

13

They have a point for not wanting you to transfer to a “worse” aka lower ranked school especially for a reason that seems so trivial to them such as being around friends when after all, they sent you to an academic institution for you to get a quality education. & since they are the ones paying, you don’t really have a choice. If you’re really miserable at that current school, try transferring somewhere else that’s a better fit for you and highly ranked in order to please your parents as well as YOU which is the most important thing but try to be practical in doing so. The next 3 years of college will fly by but that quality degree will stick with you forever and you’ll be out in the real world free to go wherever you want and interact with whoever you like. Try to remember that you’re there to learn above all and that those two schools aren’t the only ones in the world. Stay positive and open minded.

14

Your friends (or boyfriend even) aren’t the people who are going to employ you post graduation.

15

The best argument for transferring, is the academic one: The programs for my major at X, Y, and Z are much better than the program for my major at my current university. Find places like that.

Yes you like the U where your friends are, but you are only there for fun. Not for studying. If you were to transfer there, the classes might not meet your expectations or your academic needs. Don’t even put it on your transfer application list until you have determined that it will meet your academic needs.

Look for a job on campus. Your co-workers will be other students, and you will have a chance to get to know them in that setting. Chances are that they will be focused on working to pay for their educations, and less interested in all of the partying that some of the other students focus on.

16

I am sorry that you have had a hard time with the transition to college. Parents often don’t have a realistic understanding of how busy students can be. Two hours each way is a half day away from school and work responsibilities even if you didn’t visit with your relatives very long. It’s not realistic to expect there to be many visits or interactions if they are not willing to come to you sometimes. This doesn’t mean you can’t find nice people to hang out with at your school, or a major that opens career options for you.

Here is a video about college transitions that might be useful if you go back to the same school in the fall. I would also start visiting your college placement office to learn about criminal justice related careers and what classes you can take to prepare. These classes can be sprinkled in different parts of a university, including history, sociology, etc. An advisor for pre law students could help you follow that interest.

If you do decide to transfer, you need to cast a wider net than just that one school. While it may be a better place than where you are right now, it will probably not be a magic bullet solution to all your problems.

https://youtu.be/MftaGHKt3V0