<p>Hi. I know I'm a newcomer, but I've been lurking a long time, and I just need to vent. I watched my child crying her eyes out this morning, heartbroken -- over some stupid numbers. I just feel like the system is broken and our society is broken. And I'm questioning every decision we've ever made -- to live in the East Coast, to send our children to what we thought was a wonderful, nurturing private school, etc., etc. All she chooses to see are people that are "smarter" than her, "better" than her. I can blab until I'm blue in the face about perspective and wonderful options and things working out in the end, but all she feels is failure. Clearly we haven't given her the spine to survive in this environment. I am well aware that life has a way of working out, but what burden have we placed on our children when they feel they have failed before they've even set foot in the world? Ugh.</p>
<p>Well part of the reason is that they are over protected/pampered. All their lives they have been told - they are wonderful, winners, smart etc etc. Everyone on the team gets a trophy. Half the kids in a class get awards from the school. Get As without working. Parents give them everything they want. All their lives they have been told that they are perfect and can do no wrong.</p>
<p>There was a 60 min segment on that.</p>
<p>I had an intern and during her evaluation we talked about the good stuff. When we talked about areas of improvement and I made some suggestions based on her observed behavior - she was almost in tears.</p>
<p>It's always awful to watch a child struggle - with any of the things that come up in life. I think spines are earned, not given - and you can hope that this is the beginning of your child learning that she is more than numbers. Yes, it's disappointing, but it's not the end of the world. A friend once told me that all of the emotional growth that came to her family was a result of 'crises' of one kind or another. I realized it was true in my own life and will probably be true for my children. I think we allow them to get the most of out a disappointment when we support them (til we're blue in the face) but don't always step in with a 'fix'. In a couple days she'll probably have a better perspective on things - and maybe a plan for how she'll handle it (could be by realizing it's not so important, deciding to re-take the tests, whatever - there are many responses) but I would try to let her come up with her own response (while still supporting her emotionally).</p>
<p>I feel badly that your D is so upset though I imagine this will pass. I don't know your situation, but I am making a guess. You said she goes to a private school. Perhaps it is a very competitive environment? In other words, kids with high SATs (relatively) and who are all striving for top colleges? And let me guess (I'm making big assumptions here as you didn't give that much info), her SATs are not bad but she is comparing them to kids from her school who either get very high SATs and/or talk a lot about who got what and are aiming at very selective colleges. IF this is the case, try to help her step out of her bubble of your private school and community and the real world of juniors/seniors applying to college. I have no idea what her scores were or if she is a junior or senior. But if her scores were decent scores in the scheme of things but just not in her small bubble of her private school, show her that. Show her the ranges that many good schools admit in that range and that her perspective is colored by her little bubble at your school. Further, if she is a junior, and she wants to raise the score, come up with a prep plan. If she is a senior, hopefully she already had a college list developed based on previous scores and this retesting was just a hope to raise the score but that her list was intact based on what she had before. </p>
<p>I get the sense that you live in a competitive environment and so that is affecting things for your daughter and she knows no other environment (such as the one my kids grew up in which is the opposite). She has to stay the course of her own individual goals, etc. and try what you can do to have her not color the perspective as to what everyone in her school got on the SATs, where they want to go to college, etc. I can't tell from your post but if she was only aiming at the top and has pretty good scores otherwise, widen her knowledge of the very very fine schools that are in her range. As well, colleges look at the whole package, not just test scores, and so if her scores are even in the lower 50% of a college she is interested in and everything else about her is great such as grades and EC achievements, she should still apply to such colleges. </p>
<p>I'm sorry if your child's school/community environment is adding additional stresses to what is already stressful. It sounds that way. The more you talk to her about the wider world of high school students and a range of colleges, the better. Good luck.</p>
<p>Ivoryk, ouch. It must have made you really sad to see your daughter so unhappy with her scores and therefor unhappy with herself. Hopefully she is at school and has heard enough similiar scores so that she does not feel so bad about herself. I bet she comes home still disappointed but not as sad and upset as she initially was.You on the other hand get to be upset all day with your memory of her this morning. Stupid SAT's. Hang in there.</p>
<p>We have been there; it will pass. One morning's disappointment is painful, but there are so many better things to come, and your D may soon realize that. Keep in mind too that if you are sending her to a great school she is probably getting an excellent education and the shorter-term negatives of always seeing soemone with more--grades, money, athletic prowess, whatever--may not be as significant as the beenfit of having been in a first-rate educational environment. I don't think crying over one set of scores means she is unequipped to deal with the world or even the competitive East coast environment; it means she is a striver who had expected more of herself. Good luck, and please remind her and yourself that there are a lot of very happy and successful college students out there who sat at their desks and cried over their scores a year or two ago.</p>
<p>This is the stuff that builds spines. Don't encourage her to think the system is broken or that life is unfair. No matter what, someone else is worse off this morning. She's had the advantage of a good education and parents who care. Guide her towards some really wonderful schools where she will thrive. There are SAT optional schools out there if her scores were totally abysmal.</p>
<p>How about a parent in the same boat???? I checked her scores when I got to work, and am so frustrated because I know how dissapointed she is going to be when she checks them later today. They went up from June, but not where she is going to feel that they are "good enough". It is so frustrating - she is in the Top 7% of her class of 600, all honors/AP classes, honor roll all through HS (and before), but she just doesn't test that well. (Although on our state-mandated tests, she scored in the Advanced category-go figure!) She has applied EA already to her schools, so now we have to worry about these damn numbers. She took the ACT's last weekend, so hopefully, those scores will be better, but what now?? Should she take the SAT's again in December, hoping to bring them up, or should we just leave it be? Her combined score is 1660 -with the Writing being the best (of course, the one that they don't look at most of the time). She is applying as a Journalism major so maybe that will factor into the "overall" picture. I am not going to let on that I already know, but I am dreading afterschool............ I want to cry, too. I know that they are just "stupid numbers" - but we know that is not how the kids percieve them.</p>
<p>Allie'smom, I am sorry for the disappointment and of course as a parent, it is very hard to see our kids disappointed. One thing I don't quite understand in your case is that she has already applied to her schools. While she hoped her new scores would go up more, I hope that the schools she applied to were in her range based on her past scores and that a better score now would just increase her odds there but that her college list was built upon scores she already had. In other words, she should not HAVE to increase her scores for her college list which was hopefully built on the scores she had in hand, considering she has already applied. If this is not the case, and she applied to colleges where her scores make them reaches, I would add some safer schools closer to the range of her actual scores and not hoped for scores. Also, remember that the rest of her "package" sounds strong.</p>
<p>allie'smom, my friend's daughter sounds very much like your daughter, but with even lower scores, which just didn't match her HS performance. She was initially rejected at the schools she wanted to attend and ended up at a lower level public school. She kept her nose to the grindstone and successfully transferred to a much more highly regarded school where she graduated with honors. She started grad school this fall and is loving life. Even if things seem really bad right now, this is not a closed door unless a student decides to let it be.</p>
<p>For what it's worth, I spent an hour with my son going over the Naviance scattergrams that some high schools make available on the Web. Despite what the "top schools" yammer on about "looking beyond the numbers" and other disingeneous crap, it is crystal clear that GPA is the number one factor. You see the HYPSMC crowd admitting 1200 SATs sometimes, but they all have 3.999 uw GPAs. So, remind your daughter that she is best at what they care most about.</p>
<p>Second, so what? Really. The most inspirational question I've learned to ask over the years is, "So I didn't get what I want, so what?" My son was struggling over his Eagle Scout service project: "So, what will the world look like if he doesn't earn his Eagle rank?" Life would go on, he'd get older, go to college, get a job, buy a home, etc. No one would die because he didn't finish. (Actually, he did figure it out and not only earned his Eagle, but he's now working on his fourth Palm -- but that's not the point.) If your daughter wanted to go to the Columbia School of Journalism and her GPA is now lower than she thinks it needs to be -- so what? She'll study journalism at State U or somewhere else and probably end up as a writer for a Web news site (or be a weather reporter on WGN news or something). Maybe she'll find a new passion in college and end up VP Finance for Microsoft. The thing kids need to learn is that sometimes when you don't get what you want, life will go on and turn out just as good in some unexpected way. (I remember a girl breaking my heart when I was 18. She left cleat marks on my soul and I thought I was going to die for about six months. Three years later we started dating again and now we've been married for 28 years.) Maybe your daughter's destiny is to earn a Political Science or Environmental Engineering or Theater degree at BigStateU or CozyLAC and go on to a Master's in Journalism at Missouri or Northwestern. By the way, she's go the grades anyway, this might not even be a roadblock.</p>
<p>Anyway. You know her life isn't really over, and you know what to do. Hug her, make her favorite cookies, and then show her that better things are ahead.</p>
<p>Ivoryk: Your daughter sounds a lot like my daughter and our school may be very similar to hers. My daughter was in tears this morning as well. After preparing this time for the SAT, her scores dropped 80 points from the first time she took the SAT (without prep), so she was pretty upset. I am trying to convince my daughter to forget the SAT's and try the ACT. There is still time to sign up for that. Good luck to your daughter. Let's hope they have a better day.</p>
<p>More and more colleges are going the test-optional route with admissions, over 700 and growing... <a href="http://www.fairtest.org/optional.htm%5B/url%5D">http://www.fairtest.org/optional.htm</a></p>
<p>Thanks for all of your quick reponses. To address the question as to why she applied already to all of her schools: she knows what she wants to major in, she knows which schools she wanted to apply to (and those that she visited but did not end up applying to); and her scores were in the "ballpark" of most of them from the first round of testing. The essays were all done, the applications and recommendations were ready, so she made the decision to apply now (and we supported that). Her guidance counselor agreed, and she understands that she probably won't get in early action to them and may be bumped into the regular pool of applicants. The schools ranged from a couple of "reaches" to those that can be considered "safe". Of course, now the second-guessing will begin - did we do the wrong thing by applying early...... I guess I will encourage her to wait and see what here ACT scores look like before deciding about retaking the SATs again. I really hate this - (It was SO less complicated getting into college "back in my day" - LOL)</p>
<p>It's also good to remind her that she is more than her test scores. She's got a lot of other achievements to point to. She needs to know that she is a worthwhile, valuable candidate, test scores be damned. That sort of internal motivation can power people through all kinds of obstacles. You can't give it to her, but you can help her realize it.</p>
<p>Oh, I know how you feel. We want to protect our kids so that they don't have to feel any pain or disappointments. But, we can't do that forever. At some point, reality sets in and they have to live and learn on their own. What's that saying - what doesn't kill us makes us stronger? But you know what? All this stress has made me think of back when I was their age. Though I was disappointed with my scores back then, it wasn't the end of the world! It's something that I never thought about again until just recently.</p>
<p>My D's heart is set on going to a specific school. As a struggling single mother who will get no help at all from my ex - and already one D at college, financial aid will be the deal breaker. Though she has been offered full rides at other schools (athletic), this one school doesn't have the athletic scholarships in her sport. We have been working with the coach (she is the #1 recruit) to get the best possible package, but he said her SAT scores were borderline for the absolute max $$ he could get. She is so stressing out over this - because she wants it so bad. My heart is breaking for her because I would do anything to make this happen, but I know my financial limits. I am stretched to the max as it is. I've tried to keep a strong face and tell her that if it's meant to be, it will be. It is now out of our hands.</p>
<p>But on a happy note, she is absolutely thrilled over her new SAT scores. Her math went up 50 points and her CR went up 210! (She did tank the CR first time.) She called me from school to go on-line to check the scores because she heard others say they got them and they weren't happy. When I told her the scores, she was screaming she was so happy (she was in the classroom of one of her fav teachers). I actually got off line and went back in again to double check the scores.</p>
<p>MAMom, congratulations to your daughter! That is some gain in scores. It sounds like this score is going to make a difference at her top choice school where the coach needed higher SAT scores to get her a good package. </p>
<p>I also agree that kids are better off in the long run to have to go through disappointments, no matter how difficult it is for us parents to witness as we want everything to be good for our kids. College admissions decisions are some of the first disappointments that some kids will face. But life is full of them and so at some point, it has to happen and it can be beneficial so they learn how to cope and to gain perspective and to set goals that are attainable, etc. </p>
<p>Allie'sMom....in your D's case, I wasn't asking why she applied so early to all of her schools. I think it is great that her apps are done and in! I was just asking about your concern that the SAT scores did not rise and so I was just hoping that the apps that were filed were not dependent on hopes that the new scores would be higher, but rather that the list of schools was developed based on known scores. If the scores had risen, yes, her chances might increase at those schools but the list should be balanced based on scores that already existed. If the scores rose significantly, then it increases the odds but also could mean adding a reachier school if she wanted. But if the scores did not rise, her list should have been appropriate anyway. In other words, her scores should not NEED to rise for the apps that are already in, but just might enhance her package even more. I don't know the specifics of your case but I do run into students who have unrealistic views of colleges they want to apply to and their stats are not in line with those schools. They hope their stats will rise and that is something to reach for but their list needs to be developed based on the stats they truly have. I'm not saying any of this is an issue in your D's case because I haven't a clue about her case. I got a little concerned hearing that she is worried that her stats did not go up and her apps are already in. Her stats should not have HAD to have risen for the schools she submitted to but only could enhance her package, is all I was saying.</p>
<p>
[quote]
Well part of the reason is that they are over protected/pampered. All their lives they have been told - they are wonderful, winners, smart etc etc. Everyone on the team gets a trophy. Half the kids in a class get awards from the school. Get As without working. Parents give them everything they want. All their lives they have been told that they are perfect and can do no wrong.
[/quote]
I must respectfully disagree - although this may describe some kids, I grew up in a much harsher environment, and I'd have shed tears over disappointing SAT results, too, especially given the fevered emphasis placed upon them in some quarters. Not to hijack the thread, but I haven't spoiled my kids in this way, and most of the people I know haven't, either. Disappointment is hard, and it's okay not to know how to deal with it without crying when you're still an adolescent.</p>
<p>My sympathies to the parents and kids dealing with this today. I've listened to my children cry about other disappointments, and it's really a miserable time. (((hugs))) and best wishes for optimal outcomes - fwiw, some schools today are giving SATs less weight, and more are becoming SAT-optional.</p>
<p>IvoryK. SAT is not a perfect system. Some kids just don't do well regardless how well they do in other academic settings. </p>
<p>Given that there are now many colleges where SAT's are optional, there are numerous good college choices for students who tested poorer in SAT than their other academic credentials. </p>
<p>Regarding difficulties in her school environment, just keep the perspective that high schools are filled with kids who will have to grow up a lot. It is seldom a friendly environment for kids who don't fall into established cliques. </p>
<p>Channel your frustration into energy to find a college where there is a much better nurturing environment to your kid. I also once went through the wrenching experience seeing my D crying her heart out when she was turned down by her dream college. Take heart in the fact that kids have their whole life ahead of them. Helping her to deal with adversities will bring the two of you together. It is an opportunity that you would not have otherwise. The word "crisis" in Chinese is a composite of two wrods: danger and opportunity. Use the situation well and you will gain from it. Best of luck.</p>
<p>Thanks padad and everyone. Of course all will work out. I know that three years down the road, we'll be looking back and saying 'what was the big deal?' It's just the three years part -- this parenting is exhausting!</p>
<p>I just wished these kids weren't so stressed. As I drove my daughter to school this morning, I said 'There's a lot to be said for mid-day good cry in a bathroom stall.' Her response? 'I don't have time to cry!'</p>