I agree that you shouldn’t assume it’s a wedding invitation. Wait and see what happens.
Of course every family dynamic is different and it is gracious not to want to cast a pall on your sister’s MOG day. Especially if she is a drama person who would be thinking about you coming to the wedding in the weeks leading up to it.
I definitely agree that it could be nice to connect with the local nephew, what do you have to lose there.
I also like the idea of attending the wedding, but not reception.
I’ve been gone most of the day and just catching up on your responses. Thank you very, very much! Well, I got the “save the date” invitation in the mail today. Wedding is in October, so that gives time to think things through.
For the sake of my Nephew and son, I’m willing to go. Not sure I would stay for the reception unless there is some sort of reconciliation, no matter how small, between my sister and I. I wouldn’t feel that was appropriate.
I have a lot to process, especially about reaching out to get together. Not that it is a bad idea. But I wouldn’t like it if my sister did that with my kids. I’m just really sensitive about things like that. A lot can happen between now and then,
The boys were very close to their mother, but things were still rough. She started dating this man and was married 16 months after their Dad died. He and his teen kids moved in. (Their mom died) They weren’t happy either. The daughter begged her Dad not to marry my sister (yeah, I Get THAT). That was very difficult for those boys, as you can imagine.
@deb922 , I do think they have fond memories. I had XMas Eve at my house every year. Their whole lives that’s all they knew. I was good to those boys, but in fairness she was good to my boys too.
My hopes are that they can establish some sort of relationship independent of us…the adult children of a highly dysfunctional family, that will most likely never recover from past hurts.
It will be interesting to see what happens. It is nice that your nephew is reaching out. If it is a wedding invitation from him, I would think your sister would know about it. This could be her way of trying to make up?? Seven years is a long time. I have no idea what happened between you, but I would be inclined to go if invited. Be polite, keep it positive, and see what happens? There will be other relatives there to connect with. Is your sister so evil that you can never even imagine reconciling with her? Maybe she has had a change of heart? If your nephew wants you and your sons there, go. (Maybe I say this because I can’t imagine being estranged from any of my siblings without wanting to make up. If she is truly that horrible, though, stay away, but encourage your sons to connect with their cousins.)
Assuming the groom to be is in the 30ish range, it was likely his decision or with his input that you received that Save The Date. He’s an adult. Why should he still be paying a price for you and your sister’s non-relationship?
Meet him and his fiance for a meal. See how genuine they are or how natural or awkward the situation is - it isn’t going to be any less awkward if you decide to attend any part of the wedding if you don’t meet them ahead of time!
And as an adult, if you really feel like you can’t attend the wedding due to your non-relationship…tell him that as well - in person! After a nice meal and a chance to possible re-connect and to meet the fiance.
I agree with every above that I should be happy I sent the check and never to expect a response. I did the right thing and that is all that matters. I’ve let it go. So many happier events to focus on.
I don’t see a problem with you reaching out to your nephew and am confused about why you “wouldn’t like it” if your sister reached out to your adult children. Those relationships are separate from any relationship ( or lack of relationship) you have with your sister.
Through your posts, you strike me as a person with a thoughtful and generous heart who does strive to do the right thing. I definitely think you did the right thing here, for what it is worth. 
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I agree with @sevmom .
You can disavow your sister for whatever reason, but all of your kids should be able to make their own choices.
My stepmom was estranged from her mother, who never met her grandchildren, for reasons I still don’t know. I do know it was her choice. Someone called my stepmom when her mother was on her deathbed, and she saw her just before she passed. When my stepmom came home, she lamented what a waste of time it had been.
She cried when going through her mother’s belongings. She discovered that her mother had kept newspaper clippings of the kids’ sports achievements and clippings of my stepmom at local club events.
I don’t know how my step-siblings feel about it all, but if the children want to know their relatives, that should be their choice.
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I agree…nephew has reached out. Reciprocate by inviting them out to lunch, saying you’d love to catch up and meet his fiance. I am sure over the course of the meal, the nephew will give you some sort of clue…
Either something like, “I would understand if you decided not to come to the wedding” or “It would really mean a lot to me if you’d come to the wedding”. Then you will know what to do.
If it turns out he truly wants you there, at least attend the ceremony. If you would feel too uncomfortable to go to the reception, maybe your sons could attend the reception on their own.
It sounds like after so many years, she’s trying to extend an olive branch. Yeah, it would be awkward, but it’s a start. Just go and be courteous, even if it’s all you can do.
The thing is when you aren’t talking to someone, you don’t know what is going on.
You don’t know if the nephew is even talking to his mother. You don’t know if they are close or not. You don’t know if his mother knows who is invited to the wedding. You don’t even know if she is invited. It’s only speculation.
The other thing is this isn’t a kid. He’s 30. He has probably lived apart from his mother for a while now. And feels free to form his own relationships.
We all think of things from our own perspective. @conmama, from the information you given, your nephew has had a very different upbringing from your children. He’s also older. When you say that you would be upset if your children reached out to your sister, its from the perspective of children who grew up in an intact home with both parents. And you I’m sure feel that your children are free to talk to you about things. Something your nephew may not have had.
I am about the worst when it comes to keeping in touch with people, even family.
My parents are long gone. I have 3 older siblings. One sibling has a couple adult children, who in turn have children.
I barely know any of them!
Nevertheless, I’d be sort of horrified if anyone described it as “estrangement”. On my end, it’s benign neglect.
I’m mostly in my own little world. Once my parents passed many years ago, the siblings getting together just wasn’t a top priority.
Just chiming in to say be careful about filling in the blanks about years of mostly radio silence. Some family, just like some friendships, will happily pick up & carry on, given the chance.
At 30, your relationship with his mother is no surprise to your nephew. If he wants you there, go, and be civil.
My H’s parents were divorced when he was 4. His mother’s brother hated (I mean viciously) his father. We invited everyone to the wedding. His parents walked my husband down the aisle. We warned the brother about that, and had people ready to escort him out if he made a scene. Everyone behaved themselves. They were grownups too.
Just like what @Chedva said, people can be grown up about these things at important events. My DS#2’s wife’s parents are divorced and shall we say it was not a pretty divorce. One of his wife’s sibs as getting married a few months after my DS/DIL and the dad was not invited to that wedding.
DIL wanted to invite her dad, but they set up pretty strict parameters around what he could/coundn’t do or participate in (he wasnt invited to the rehearsal dinner but was at the welcome party, he didn’t walk her down the aisle and did not sit with the immediate family- he sat with his relatives) and there was no father/daughter dance (she danced with my DH when all the immediate family were on the dance floor). His ex (DIL’s mom) was pretty worried that he’d try to corner her or make a scene. That didnt hapen. Everyone was fine and it was lovely.
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This reminds me of a story- My good friend had a similar hunch when asked about her address and tossed around the idea with me of what to do. When the mail came, it was a chain letter lol!
My advice, wait and see what arrives. Enjoy today 
@meddy, a save the date invitation was received yesterday.
“Once my parents passed many years ago, the siblings getting together just wasn’t a top priority.”
My Dad and his 3 sibs were concerned about this after the 2nd parent passed away. They started a tradition of annual extended family campout (with some of the crew at nearby motes), on the weekend closest to their July anniversary. The tradition continues 30 years later. Dad’s sibs are gone, and we stopped doing it a campground about 10 years ago. But every year there is a picnic. It has been great for me to see all the relatives at once, and I’ve been to about 25 of them. We usually revolve our summer vacation around the date.
Now at the campout there were relatives, in-laws and outlaws (kin of kin). My kids didn’t always know which of the kids were actually their own relatives. And that’s fine - we had a great time.
@deb922 I would attend and wish them well, but I probably wouldn’t linger.
Those are what my parents’ generation called “shirttail relatives.”